OPEN LETTER TO YOU PEOPLE

[SeaWatchman]

Imagining Michael Shannon reading this now...

*Homie

 

[jbeezification1]

 

[Usofar]

 

[CoinStarChange]

What the **** did you just ****ing say about me, you little *****? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the **** out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my ****ing words. You think you can get away with saying that **** to me over the Internet? Think again, ****er. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re ****ing dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little ****. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your ****ing tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will **** fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re ****ing dead, kiddo.

 

[arren]

 

[No1Smitty]

 

[RedCoffee]

I appreciate the work that went into this.

 

[drgarage1]

Finest pastiche of the psycho sorority girl rant I've seen. Read and loved every word.

 

[Der Fuchs]

Well, at least I know for sure that some of you guys are weirder than me. Cheers mangs.

 

[gtx281]

 

[reverseapachemaster1]

...I...but then you...wait...yes.

 

[Brew33]

 

[civicsitodamax]

 

[user 306926]

****. This reads like the ******* Thrillist article about "How to Truly Love Beer without Being a Dick" I just wiped my ass with.

dontdrinkbeer

 

[TripleSixHoppia]

But he got paid for that. #sellout

 

[lb304854]

Nobody wants to talk to brewers.

 

[Sobchak]

 

[Jnorton00]

 

[BusinessSloth]

 

[Doc1]

Now I want fried chicken and all I have is broccoli and okra. ****. YOU.

 

[Ratman]

Now I want fried chicken and all I have is broccoli and okra. ****. YOU.

Haha, Don't forget bout that cake.

 

[Os]

If you just opened this like I told you to, open yourself what ever dumb **** shelf beer you're ticking, because this email is going to be a rough ****ing ride.
For those of you that have your heads stuck under rocks, which apparently is the majority of this site, we have been ****ING UP in terms of beer events and general social interactions with BREWERS. I've been getting texts on texts about people LITERALLY being so ****ing AWKWARD and so ****ing BORING. If you're reading this right now and saying to yourself "But oh em gee, I've been having so much fun with my beer bros this week!", then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don't have to ****ing find you IRL to do it myself.
I do not give a flying ****, and PROFESSIONAL BREWERS do not give a flying ****, about how much you ****ing love to talk about hops and yeast strains and water profiles. You have 361 days out of the ****ing year to talk to homebrewers, and this week is NOT, I ****ing repeat NOT ONE OF THEM. This week is about fostering relationships in the beer community, and that's not ****ing possible if you're going to stand around and talk to each other and not anyone else. Newsflash you stupid cocks: BREWERS DON'T LIKE BORING BEER TICKERS. Oh wait, DOUBLE ****ING NEWSFLASH: BREWERS ARE NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US IF WE ****ING SUCK, which by the way in case you're an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE ****ING SUCK SO FAR. This also applies to you little shits that have talked openly about this little micro brewery IN FRONT OF SHAUN HILL. Are you people ****ing ridiculous? That's not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you're mentally slow so I can make sure you don't go to anymore release events. If Shaun openly said "Yeah we're gonna go tick Unblended Dirty Horse", would you be happy? WOULD YOU? No you wouldn't, so WHY THE **** WOULD YOU DO IT TO HIM?? IN FRONT OF HIM?!! First of all, you SHOULDN'T be post gaming at other beer tastings, I don't give a **** if Isabelle is in it, if Westy is in it, or if the entire Dark Lord lineup is in that tasting. YOU DON'T GO. YOU. DON'T. GO. And you ESPECIALLY do ****ing NOT convince other bros to leave with you.
"But TripleSix", you say in a whiny little ***** voice to your computer screen as you read this post, "I've been trading on BA for years and years and ticking so hard, doesn't that count for something?" NO YOU STUPID ****ING ASS HATS, IT ****ING DOESN'T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW ****ING WHY?!! IT DOESN'T COUNT BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN ****ING UP AT TRADING TOO. I've not only gotten texts about people being ****ing WEIRD in PMs (for example, being stupid shits and saying stuff like "How many 120s can I get for a Broken Truck?" is not ****ing funny), but I've gotten texts about people actually trading for the THE BRUERY. The ****ING BRUERY. ****ing. BRU…. ERY. ARE YOU ****ING STUPID?!! I don't give a **** about taste, YOU CHEER FOR OUR GODDAMN LOCALS AND NOT THE OTHER ONES, HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO A NANO PUB? ARE YOU ****ING BLIND? Or are you just so ****ing dense about what it means to make people like you that you think being a good little supporter of the beer community is going to make our locals happy? Well it's time someone told you, NO ONE ****ING LIKES THAT, ESPECIALLY OUR ****ING NANOS. I will ****ing homie punt the next person I hear about doing something like that, and I don't give a **** if you BAN me, I WILL ****ING ASSAULT YOU.
"Ohhh TripleSix, I'm now crying because your email has made me oh so so sad". Well good. If this email applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little asswipe that stands in the corners of the bar, or if you're a weird **** that does weird **** during release events, this following message is for you:
DO NOT GO TO BEER WEEK.
I'm not ****ing kidding. Don't go. Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I've mentioned in this post and have some rare disease where you're unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THIS SITE. I would rather have 40 tickers that are fun, tick whales, and not ****ing awkward than 80 that are ****ing shelf beer hoarding homies. If you are one of the people that have told me "Oh nooo boo hoo I can't talk to brewers I'm too sober", then I pity you because I don't know how you got this far in life, and with that in mind don't ****ing show up unless you're going to stop being a goddamn cock block for our tasting group. Seriously. I swear to ****ing God if I see anyone being a goddamn boner at tonight's event, I will tell you to leave even if you're sober. I'm not even kidding. Try me.
And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really don't give a ****. Go **** yourself.

oh god this was glorious

 

[MooseLang]

When did Dril get into beer? I guess I should've known:

 

[Ziggy]

What in the flying ****ity **** **** did I just ****ing read?

 

[blue_bleeder]

Too soon?

 

[JoeyBeerBelly]

"80 that are ****ing shelf beer hoarding homies"

I just knocked my shelf over while admiring my beers...
we're down to 79