One child

[Homercidal]

In the past few recent interactions with strangers that told me I should have a second, I've told them:
- "my wife is dead, *******"
- "my wife can't have any more kids... thanks for bringing that up"
- "this one is adopted, I'm sterile"
- "go fcuk yourself"

I have no urge to be polite to people that feel they should criticize me in front of my daughter. Most people look horrified when I say **** like that... but seriously, I don't go up to 35yo's without kids and say "you should have kids NOW", or slander those that have 4 kids.

Is this what you are referring to?

Seems like some very rude replies to give in front of your own daughter...

 

[CreamyGoodness]

The one thing as a new parent I am evangelical about is The Diaper Genie.

Look, conversation is conversation, but parenthood appears to make people believe they are far more familiar with strangers than they really are. "Is this your first? Are you thinking about having more?" Fine, sure. Go ahead and tell me whatever annecdote you have about your kids when they were born, too, and how you are sooooo glad you had your second. I'm not offended by that either. But when someone starts pressing us as to why we arent having more or why we arent breastfeeding I have to wonder why it isnt just universally understood to be rude to do so. I dont want to hear from anyone how much I am going to regret this decision.

I think I am extremely reasonable in my encounters, particularly with strangers. I actually want to know if the gerber teething cookies work better than the beechnut ones in your opinion or whatever. Why isnt it obvious as to what does and what doesnt cross the line??

 

[CreamyGoodness]

Sorry, I'm very much with Sudsy on this one, though I think his responses might be a little over-the-top.

 

[Homercidal]

Sorry, I'm very much with Sudsy on this one, though I think his responses might be a little over-the-top.

I think so too. I can't imagine just firing up a conversation like that with anyone who isn't close to me.

But, parents go through a lot during over the years. They learn a lot. They feel a sense of camaraderie with other parents, like war heroes. They want to talk about it. They want to help each other. There may be no more important aspect in living than to create life and raise it to become a useful member of society, or into a caring, helpful individual.

I don't think it comes so much from a sense of superiority (maybe sometimes), but it's a kind of fellowship that can only happen between people who have been there.

Believe me. There are MANY people who can't help but dish on the awesome thing that happened the night before with their kid. These are the same people who devoutly swore they would not be the obnoxious parent they had to put up with before they had their own kids.

I understand that. What I don't appreciate is when people push their ideology. I don't mind if they feel like stating their opinion, but let's not make a debate about it.

 

[SudsyPaul]

LOL - So those responses are for when my daughter isn't within earshot, or from when she was too young to understand. Now that she's 2, and it's often just us in the grocery store, I either say "we can't have any more, thanks" or "mind your own business".

I don't react like that when they ask if she has a sibling... I react like that when the lecture begins, and they tell us she'll be a brat or mal-adjusted or that she'll miss out on life. I don't mind if people are curious about siblings or if we'll have more, it's when the preaching begins.

I agree that parenthood is a good camaraderie. When a toddler is screaming in public, I smile and wave and let that parent know it's not just them.

But I'm opposed to preaching of any kind (that is another topic). I'm new to parenting, since I have only the 1, but unless if I ask for advice, just let me figure it out. I'm not the best parent out there, but I'm far from the worst.

 

[Homercidal]

The world is full of idiots. There are many people who grow up fine as a single child. There are people who grow up to be brats (in an adult way) in a large family. You just cant tell. it's probably genes more than anything, with some upbringing mixed in for good measure.

I've seen plenty of kids who start out being tiny Aholes and grow into caring and responsible young adults. I don't think sibling count has much to do with it at all.

Or I may be talking out of my ass as one of the many, many idiots in the world.

Personally, I found a bunch of other peoples' tips useful in raising our kids. I especially liked the "What to Expect" books we had though.

 

[Transamguy77]

I can understand the OP's frustration but from the other side, I have 5 kids and all before I was 28.

I heard lots of criticism about having "too many" kids. I love all of them and I can't imagine just having 1 or 2 kids. To each his own, personally I don't care how many kids anyone has, everyone does what works for them.

And I've had some of those angry and rude comments to give back to arrogant people who don't agree with my choices and who "think they are right" I feel it was mostly because I was young. Now that my youngest is 7 and I'm in my 30's I really don't care what anyone thinks.

Edit: I'm an only child myself, the only thing I find difficult is I don't have anyone to commiserate with when dealing with family dynamics. My wife is oldest of 4 and when they have stuff she has someone to turn to and understands.

 

[CreamyGoodness]

Y'know when I become a regular parenting expert? When I watch "Super Nanny".

Off topic, Jo the Super Nanny belongs in "I think she's hot but you probably dont". Everything I'd do to her I learned at Sea World. I digress.

I see a trend on that show that the more kids and fewer adults, the more likely they are going to be completely out of control.

 

[NickTheGreat]

You have every right to "just 1" child, if that's what you want.

Everybody with a problem with it should go pound sand.

The only "problem" with your 1 child situation is that for your 1 child of good lineage, education, etc. is that there are 10 crackbabies/white trash/gutter rats/(insert your pejorative of choice)

But that's been going on for hundreds of years

 

[SudsyPaul]

Yeah, my family was great with advice when we were expecting, and we ask them when we're having a particularly hard time. My daughter is the 8th cousin in my family, so my step-siblings and my brother are all great for ideas.

I haven't really gotten much judgment from my family members, and what little there was was quickly dispersed with honest conversation. The rest of our conversations are supporting and helpful. Super happy to have that support system.

My step-brother has only 1, and she's 15 and super well-adjusted and responsible. She's a typical teen, with typical teen problems.

My daughter isn't perfect, but she's normal (time outs, tantrums, etc...). She'll have a nice life, but my wife and I are self-aware people and we'll make sure she's not a spoiled brat. She'll have it easier than my wife and I had it, but that's the idea... every generation is better-off than the last. In the end, we want her to be physically and mentally healthy, and have physically and mentally healthy parents.

 

[soccerdad]

With the advent of Vista Print, business cards are so cheap .... I have some with that black line oval and inside the oval it just says MYOFB

These can be handed out on numerous occasions from conversations about parenting or drinking or sports or education or politics, and invariably down here in the Bible belt - theology

and they are reusable - after I give you mine you can regift it to someone like your boss or your mother in law

 

[nutty_gnome]

With the advent of Vista Print, ... black line oval and inside the oval it just says MYOFB

I like this idea. My kids are 9 and 7 now and people think they are so helpful when they suggest things we should be doing. I think I'd like have a few of those cards printed.

But to be fair, 'only children' are definitely "different" than kids with siblings. You can spot 'em pretty easily in school and extracurricular activities.

OP - Good luck with your child.

 

[The_Bishop]

Nutty, in what way? My daughter is an only child and behaves herself.

 

[CreamyGoodness]

My kid is going to grow up in Queens. He's going to have playmates and people over out the nose. I think we've made a good compromise.

 

[nutty_gnome]

Nutty, in what way? My daughter is an only child and behaves herself.

Its just something one can see in interpersonal interactions and reactions. I'm not going to define it in negative terms because that would be unfair and prejudicial. They are just a bit different.

 

[jbaysurfer]

I like this idea. My kids are 9 and 7 now and people think they are so helpful when they suggest things we should be doing. I think I'd like have a few of those cards printed.

But to be fair, 'only children' are definitely "different" than kids with siblings. You can spot 'em pretty easily in school and extracurricular activities.

OP - Good luck with your child.

I think the blanket statement you made in the 2nd paragraph is part of what bothers some of us "only" parents. ALL kids are definitely "different", singling out our children is exactly what we'd ask you not to do.

If my child was easily spotted as an only in school and extra-curriculars, I'm getting way too many questions about her "siblings" from parents I meet. She's far better adjusted then many of her schoolmates regardless of their respective sibling situations.

 

[The_Bishop]

Well, being as I generally don't give a damn about 'nice' when it comes to family...

Nutty, feel free to kiss my ass, and stick your armchair psychology where the sun doesn't shine. Stating that 'you don't want to define it in negative terms' means you just did.

There's nothing 'different' in any child that doesn't have siblings.

If you're inferring that they might be 'spoiled', I have met *many* children that had brothers and sisters that were about as rotten as 3 month old milk and many only children that were well behaved.

 

[Melana]

I am an only as is my daughter and I would have it no other way. My daughter is both well mannered and well adjusted socially.

Personally I don't care how many kids other people have. Why should I? On the other side of it don't ask me why I only have one.

 

[SudsyPaul]

FYI - regarding the "only child syndrome" stuff, they've disproven that theory. Only children do not suffer from any kind of social anomie. I'll see if I can find the articles my wife and I were reading when we were deciding what we wanted to do.

Our daughter will probably be weird, but mostly because her mom and I are weird. We're pretty juvenile/immature by most people's standards. So our daughter will have quirks and skills that other kids don't. I don't see that as a negative trait at all.

It's like you can always tell the kids that come from a well-read and wealthy home... but ****, I wanted to be those kids when I was young and poor

 

[bernardsmith]

There is no guarantee that sibs will be friends with each other and sibs born more than about three or four years apart are also likely to be sociologically speaking "singletons" so you can have a family with two or three (or more) single children at least in terms of how they play and interact with one another

 

[CreamyGoodness]

Well, being as I generally don't give a damn about 'nice' when it comes to family...

Nutty, feel free to kiss my ass, and stick your armchair psychology where the sun doesn't shine. Stating that 'you don't want to define it in negative terms' means you just did.

There's nothing 'different' in any child that doesn't have siblings.

If you're inferring that they might be 'spoiled', I have met *many* children that had brothers and sisters that were about as rotten as 3 month old milk and many only children that were well behaved.

Easy does it there, D'artagnan.

 

[fuzzy2133]

I found myself wondering why the OP and wife chose to have a child if any, when they have minimal time with all their hobbies.

OP you can be a bit more respectful with your responses and just end a conversation with "we chose to only have one."

I do get you were fired up when you posted and it is all good.

There is no guarantee that sibs will be friends with each other and sibs born more than about three or four years apart are also likely to be sociologically speaking "singletons" so you can have a family with two or three (or more) single children at least in terms of how they play and interact with one another

My brother is 4 years older than me and we did not spend much time together then or now and we are both in our 30's. My friend I grew up with is more of an uncle to my kids.

 

[Natdavis777]

When my wife and I got together, we knew we wernt going to have children. I really didnt want a child due to how ****ed up this world already is, and she had already been dx with cervical cancer and had part of her cervix removed. Basically she was told she couldnt have children. We then became pregnant.

Our son is now 15 months old, smart as a button, and we wouldnt change him for anything in the world. As for having multiple children, people are free to do their own thing, but dont impose it on others. People often tell me that I need to have another, and I tell them Im fixed (@ 27 years old). They scoff and I tell them how hard my wifes pregnancy was, because it was a nightmare, and then they realize "ok, one is enought". But it should have to be explained. children are expensive.

My wife and I both work in healthcare, and let me tell you, there are a lot of people who shouldnt have kids. I, unfortunately, work at a facility with a dedicated childrens hospital. I say unfortunately, bc I have seen the ****ed up **** that happens to kids and I dont wish to see all the time. Kids who have to be sedated with ketamine bc their parents did meth while she was a fetus. The kids who always come in with cuts and bruises from the "daycare" after they picked them up. Hell, the kid who was shot twice in a drive by last month. The list could go on.

If you have one kid and thats your preference, then thats your preference. Spoil then, raise them right, and so on. That is your choice, not others. Tell them to **** off and have as many kids as they wish...