This joke was a favorite of my dear departed grandfather.
New restauranteur hears that a restaurant critic from the New York Times is coming to critique his restaurant. He is so excited, and he has a friend on the inside who tells him what the critic looks like. The day the critic comes through the door, he is ready, and he prompts the front and the back of the house. "Everything must be perfect!" He tells everyone.
The critique is treated like a king by the front of the house, and great care is put into every dish that comes out to them.
On the way out, the proprietor, nervous, asks how the experience went. "Oh my, everything was lovely! But there were only two slices of bread..."
Well... thats easily fixed. Next time the critic comes back, the owner makes sure they have TWICE the amount of bread. At the end of the meal , "how was your experience?" "oh my, everything was perfect!... but still... not enough bread."
Well, boo. Next time, we'll put out twice again the amount. No! THREE times! And twelve slices of bread were in the basket when the critic showed up. Sure enough... not enough bread.
Now.. the owner is getting just a little miffed. "Ok... next time the critic comes back, lets bake a giant loaf of bread, cut it in half and put it on the table on a beautiful cutting board." Done.
Next time, critic comes in, has a gorgeous meal, and has the usual debrief with the owner. "Now, tell me, did you enjoy your experience?" "Well yes, it was wonderful... but what gives? You're back to two slices of bread!!"
One Sunday afternoon Ole is laying in the hammock in the back yard, relaxing & musing. Ole asks God, "God, why did you make Lena so nice & round & pleasant to hold?" God replies "So you would love her Ole." Ole asks "But God, why did you make her so stupid?" God replies, "So she would love you Ole."
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. So Stan and Irv were talking, and Irv says, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. You gotta try it, Stan."
Stan asks, "What's the name of the restaurant?"
Irv knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally says, "Hey, Stan, what's the name of that red flower you give to somebody?"
"No, no, the other one," Irv says.
"Nahhhh," Irv says, "you know, the one with the thorns."
Stan says, "You mean a rose?"
"Yeah, that's it. Thanks!" Irv says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!
The following Sunday he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why, yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot; are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"
The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said "Where does he practice?"
The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada...
He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas and one in Reno"
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.And ...
6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
THE amazing facts are,
The higher you go in the corporate structure,
the smaller your balls become.
There must be a boat load of people in
Washington playing marbles .
A magician got a job on a cruise ship. Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain attended almost every show, and the captain had a pet parrot. So, the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to figure out how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "RAWWWK, it's not the same hat!" or, "He's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "RAWWWK, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.
Then, one rough & stormy night out on the water, the ship unfortunately sank.
The magician gained consciousness and luckily found himself clinging to a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea. Looking up, the magician sees who else but his most hated enemy: the parrot.
They stared at each other but did not utter a word for three days, just staring at one another, all mad.
Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said... "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the ship?"
A guy walks into the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks, "Are you allergic to anything?"
The man replies, "Yes, just caffeine."
"Have you ever served in the military?," the interviewer asks.
"Yes," he replies, "I served two tours in Iraq."
"Great!" says the interviewer. "That adds five extra points towards employment here."
The interviewer continues, "Do you have any disabilities?"
The applicant responds, "Yes...an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles clean off."
The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K., in that case, I can hire you immediately. Normal work hours are 8 am to 4 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10 am, and plan to start at 10 am every day. Don't worry, we'll still pay you from 8 am.
The guy, looking puzzled, asks, "If the hours are 8 am to 4 pm, why don't you want me to be here before 10 am?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
A blonde walks into the library, strides up to the counter, and says to the librarian "I'd like a cheeseburger, french fry, and a diet soda, please."
The librarian looks at her and says just above a whisper "Young lady, keep your voice down, this..." and the blonde interrupts her, whispering "OK, I'd like a cheeseburger, french fry, and a diet soda, please."
Ole & Lena just got married & were driving to St. Paul for their honeymoon. Ole reached over & put his hand on Lena's knee, Lena giggled & said "You can go farther if you want to Ole." So Ole drove to Duluth.
An old guy was working out at the gym when he spotted a young hot girl walking in. He asked the trainer standing next to him, "What machine should I use to impress that girl over there?" The trainer looked him up and down and said; "I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."