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JonM

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A skunk walls into a bar and says, "Hey! Where did everybody go?"I
 

harleybug88

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What's the difference between a Zippo and a hippo?

One's really heavy, and the other's a little lighter.
 

slym2none

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Three little old ladies are sitting on a park bench when a man in a trench-coat comes roller-skating up to them. As he passes, he opens his coat and flashes them.

The first little old lady had a stroke.

The second little old lady had a stroke.

The third little old lady would have had a stroke, but her arms were too short.
 

KayaBrew

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A Muslim, a Christian and a Jew all walk into a bar, and the bartender says "What's this, some kind of joke?"
 

KPBrews

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Did you hear about the hipster who burned his tongue?

He drank his herbal tea before it was cool.
 

slym2none

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You should spank that joke, or at least scold it. It was very bad.
 

CreamyGoodness

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This joke was a favorite of my dear departed grandfather.

New restauranteur hears that a restaurant critic from the New York Times is coming to critique his restaurant. He is so excited, and he has a friend on the inside who tells him what the critic looks like. The day the critic comes through the door, he is ready, and he prompts the front and the back of the house. "Everything must be perfect!" He tells everyone.

The critique is treated like a king by the front of the house, and great care is put into every dish that comes out to them.

On the way out, the proprietor, nervous, asks how the experience went. "Oh my, everything was lovely! But there were only two slices of bread..."

Well... thats easily fixed. Next time the critic comes back, the owner makes sure they have TWICE the amount of bread. At the end of the meal , "how was your experience?" "oh my, everything was perfect!... but still... not enough bread."

Well, boo. Next time, we'll put out twice again the amount. No! THREE times! And twelve slices of bread were in the basket when the critic showed up. Sure enough... not enough bread.

Now.. the owner is getting just a little miffed. "Ok... next time the critic comes back, lets bake a giant loaf of bread, cut it in half and put it on the table on a beautiful cutting board." Done.

Next time, critic comes in, has a gorgeous meal, and has the usual debrief with the owner. "Now, tell me, did you enjoy your experience?" "Well yes, it was wonderful... but what gives? You're back to two slices of bread!!"
 

gratus fermentatio

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One Sunday afternoon Ole is laying in the hammock in the back yard, relaxing & musing. Ole asks God, "God, why did you make Lena so nice & round & pleasant to hold?" God replies "So you would love her Ole." Ole asks "But God, why did you make her so stupid?" God replies, "So she would love you Ole."
:D
 

Roadie

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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. So Stan and Irv were talking, and Irv says, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. You gotta try it, Stan."
Stan asks, "What's the name of the restaurant?"
Irv knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally says, "Hey, Stan, what's the name of that red flower you give to somebody?"
"A carnation?"
"No, no, the other one," Irv says.
"Tulip?"
"No."
"Poppy?"
"Nahhhh," Irv says, "you know, the one with the thorns."
Stan says, "You mean a rose?"
"Yeah, that's it. Thanks!" Irv says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
 

sandyeggoxj

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One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why, yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot; are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said "Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada...

He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas and one in Reno"
 

odorf

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INTERESTING OBSERVATION

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.And ...
6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE amazing facts are,
The higher you go in the corporate structure,
the smaller your balls become.
There must be a boat load of people in
Washington playing marbles .
__________________
 

slym2none

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What do you call a dog with legs?

Nothing - no matter what you call him, HE AIN'T COMIN'!
 

slym2none

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How does a male elephant find a female elephant in the tall grass?

Very nicely.
 

slym2none

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Stop me if you've heard this one before...

A magician got a job on a cruise ship. Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain attended almost every show, and the captain had a pet parrot. So, the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to figure out how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "RAWWWK, it's not the same hat!" or, "He's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "RAWWWK, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then, one rough & stormy night out on the water, the ship unfortunately sank.

The magician gained consciousness and luckily found himself clinging to a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea. Looking up, the magician sees who else but his most hated enemy: the parrot.

They stared at each other but did not utter a word for three days, just staring at one another, all mad.

Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said... "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the ship?"
 

vanishingpint

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Guy comes home and yells to his wife; I just won the lottery pack your clothes.Wife says which ones summer or winter? Guy says all of them .Then get the hell out of here.:p
 

MaxStout

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A guy walks into the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks, "Are you allergic to anything?"

The man replies, "Yes, just caffeine."

"Have you ever served in the military?," the interviewer asks.

"Yes," he replies, "I served two tours in Iraq."

"Great!" says the interviewer. "That adds five extra points towards employment here."

The interviewer continues, "Do you have any disabilities?"

The applicant responds, "Yes...an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles clean off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K., in that case, I can hire you immediately. Normal work hours are 8 am to 4 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10 am, and plan to start at 10 am every day. Don't worry, we'll still pay you from 8 am.

The guy, looking puzzled, asks, "If the hours are 8 am to 4 pm, why don't you want me to be here before 10 am?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
 

MindenMan

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Two women are talking over cocktails one evening and the first one asks, "Do you smoke after sex?" The second one says, "I don't know, I never looked."
 

slym2none

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A blonde walks into the library, strides up to the counter, and says to the librarian "I'd like a cheeseburger, french fry, and a diet soda, please."

The librarian looks at her and says just above a whisper "Young lady, keep your voice down, this..." and the blonde interrupts her, whispering "OK, I'd like a cheeseburger, french fry, and a diet soda, please."
 

slym2none

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Ole and Sven, two Minnesotan/Norwegians, are walking down the road when they see their good friend Lars sitting in a boat, fishing pole in hand, in the middle of a plowed corn field.

"Look at dat idiot Lars," Ole says to Sven. "He's never gonna catch no walleyes out dere using dat bait. Go out dere, Sven and tell him he should be using some minnows by golly."

"I can't," Sven says. "I ain't got no boat."
 

normonster

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Blonde version was a hair better but I guess it works here too.
 

gratus fermentatio

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Ole & Lena just got married & were driving to St. Paul for their honeymoon. Ole reached over & put his hand on Lena's knee, Lena giggled & said "You can go farther if you want to Ole." So Ole drove to Duluth.
:D
 

drainbamage

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A woman is dropped off at a hospital ER...slurring, disoriented, obviously under the influence of something. The doctor asks her, "ma'am, have you been using drugs or alcohol?"

"N-n-no..." the woman stammers.

"Are you sure?" he asks.

"No. I don't do that stuff." she says again.

"Miss, I'm not joking. If you have any other substances in your system, it will affect the way we treat you. I need you to be honest with me."

"Ok ok ok..." she admits. "My boyfriend came home drunk and I...I gave him oral sex. That's what got me drunk."

The doctor looks at her, pauses, and says, "Ok. I'm going to go drink a pot of coffee. Let's sober you up."
 

mcspanner

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An old guy was working out at the gym when he spotted a young hot girl walking in. He asked the trainer standing next to him, "What machine should I use to impress that girl over there?" The trainer looked him up and down and said; "I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."
 

Rhetorik

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I post bad jokes on a whiteboard in my workspace every day. Here's a list of some from the past couple months:

- On the other hand, you have different fingers.

- Plateaus are the highest form of flattery

- A Roman legionnaire walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says "five beers, please"

- I, for one, like Roman numerals.

- You know what they say about cliffhangers...

- I have a singing computer. It's a Dell.

- My local gym closed down. It just didn't work out.

- Why did the sitcom about airplanes never take off? ..... The pilot was terrible.

- I've invented a new word. It's "plagiarism".

- There is no "i" in denial

- I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Toronto zoo.

- I was going to tell a joke about an oil rig worker, but I was told it was too crude.

- Today's joke is about paper. Actually, nevermind... it's tearable.

- What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? ...... About halfway.

- How do you think the unthinkable? .... With an itheberg.

- RIP boiling water. You shall be mist.

- I have a joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.

- A man walked into his house and was delighted when he realized someone had stolen all of his lamps.

- Parallel lines have so much in common... it's a shame they'll never meet.

- I have a step-ladder, because my real ladder ran away when I was five.

- An alligator that wears a vest is an investigator.

- I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices. "You don't have a psychiatrist", he replied.

- And the Lord said unto John "Come forth and receive eternal life". But John came fifth, and won a toaster.

- What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One's big and grey, the other is a little lighter.

- An old lady at the bank asked me to help her check her balance. So I pushed her over.

and last one for now:

- My new thesaurus is terrible. Not only that, but it's also terrible.
 

CreamyGoodness

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Man walks into a bar and sits down. "My good man, please bring me a fine martinus"

The bartender smiles patiently. "Dont you mean martini?"

"Well, just the one for now and if I want another I'll ask."
 

CreamyGoodness

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Have you heard the song for people who are interested in animal group sex?

It goes "this lamb is your lamb, this lamb is my lamb...."
 

slym2none

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When I was a boy, I had a twin-sized bed. I always wondered where my identical brother was.
 

slym2none

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One time I saw this wino eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."
 
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