Dude seriously You are going to have to man the frak up. Go have a man to man with the other half, bring a machete to sharpen or whittle while you are there. Make sure she stays home. If you dont you are going to be miserable for the rest of your life.
Mother in laws!?
- Thread starter mtg4772
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Help Support Homebrew Talk:
Frige said:
Good friggin' point. I've tried talking to the guy. Out of respect for his age, I've lightly broached the topic when he is sober and when it is just me and him. He acts like he is oblivious to it all. Then when he drinks he brings up one grievance after another. So many that it makes it impossible to constructively address each.
But yeah I should try being more direct with him about my MILs bs and how he deals with her. No more tip toeing around.
rs4life
Well-Known Member
mtg4772 said:
I would honestly go over and tell him to leave the house, if he doesnt....well i would force him out. Your MIL will wreck your marriage, and right now it sounds like the husband is the cause.
You definitely have to take the bull by the horns so to speak. But also, your wife has to be supportive of you. I know she wants to protect her mom, but she also has to back you up in having your marriage be a priority.
This sounds crazy, but in a way I'm kind of jealous. I would love to have in-laws, or to have my husband have in-laws!
My mom died when I was 14, and my husband's mom died when he was in college. His dad died before we were married, so I never met them. My step-dad is living, about 800 miles away, as is a half-brother. I visit them once a year, but we are not close. I would love to have a family. I know it would be grief and anger at times, but I would do anything to have my mom around. I don't know if that helps you keep it in perspective or not, but I thought I would throw that out there.
In the same boat - father and mother both died young and I'm not close to my step-father. My in-laws are good - my MIL is a handful sometimes, but good. FIL is great, fantastic. Both are quite elderly now.
ReverseApacheMaster
Well-Known Member
You have to respect, and it seems you do, that your wife is trying to protect her mom from abuse. However, you also cannot let your MIL be a part of two failing marriages. You can't just tell your MIL to get lost because you're going to put yourself in between your wife and her mom, which is hardly the best place to be. You need to straighten it out with your wife first, then have the conversation with your MIL. Alternate plans need to be put in place. FIL gets into rehab, MIL goes to a shelter, they get divorced...something.
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I've dealt with my issues. My wife has dealt with hers. We both continue to work on ours and each others issues. Lord knows we all have 'em.
But my MIL and stepFIL: Geezalou! I tell you they operate from a basis of chaos. And, the more they can muddle, confuse and distract from fixing things; the better. So they get what they got. But it is not my or my wife's problem. My wife and I are trying to ease her mom into counseling. The alternating weeks is supposed to ease her back to her home and the counseling is supposed to equip her with the tools needed to deal with the stepFIL.
I feel like we're setting up the MIL for success. If she is willing to do the work. But in the meantime, she is driving me crazy.
Tonight both baseball games were rained out so I had to eat dinner at the table. It was so awkward to sit there and describe my day and my kids day at tap dance/gym class. Things are bad, but it's my family not my MIL's. I could care less if my MIL feels ostracized. She is. It's terrible that it has gotten to this point, but she has to go fix her own **** before she tries to manage mine.
But my MIL and stepFIL: Geezalou! I tell you they operate from a basis of chaos. And, the more they can muddle, confuse and distract from fixing things; the better. So they get what they got. But it is not my or my wife's problem. My wife and I are trying to ease her mom into counseling. The alternating weeks is supposed to ease her back to her home and the counseling is supposed to equip her with the tools needed to deal with the stepFIL.
I feel like we're setting up the MIL for success. If she is willing to do the work. But in the meantime, she is driving me crazy.
Tonight both baseball games were rained out so I had to eat dinner at the table. It was so awkward to sit there and describe my day and my kids day at tap dance/gym class. Things are bad, but it's my family not my MIL's. I could care less if my MIL feels ostracized. She is. It's terrible that it has gotten to this point, but she has to go fix her own **** before she tries to manage mine.
bottlebomber
Well-Known Member
mtg4772 said:
Pretty normal tactic of trying to help someone "fix" their problems so that you don't have to focus on your own.
thewinechik
Active Member
You all need a chick point of view here. Maybe skewed cause I'm gay. Lol
Well I sympathize with you, the mil needs to go! Seriously agony is just going to drive you nuts. First question is wtf is she doing there? If she has her own place let her stay at her place.
Now some women tend to just ask questions again and again, best thing to do is ignore them. Honestly I'm a chick, I ignored my exes mom and she was a real pain in the ass. Now maybe you need to talk to the wife and be honest, tell her this craziness is just going to hurt the marriage and that you married her not the mother, you deal with your wife's **** not your mil. So you have to say look the woman gotta go. Maybe let her in a couple days if you really can't help it. Make it days that you are less likely to be home, so you don't have to deal with her ass. On the other hand you could tell the mil look lady this is damaging my wife and I relationship if you care about your daughter stay away. So that she feels she is at fault and responsible to stay the **** away. Just saying... Good luck man!
Well I sympathize with you, the mil needs to go! Seriously agony is just going to drive you nuts. First question is wtf is she doing there? If she has her own place let her stay at her place.
Now some women tend to just ask questions again and again, best thing to do is ignore them. Honestly I'm a chick, I ignored my exes mom and she was a real pain in the ass. Now maybe you need to talk to the wife and be honest, tell her this craziness is just going to hurt the marriage and that you married her not the mother, you deal with your wife's **** not your mil. So you have to say look the woman gotta go. Maybe let her in a couple days if you really can't help it. Make it days that you are less likely to be home, so you don't have to deal with her ass. On the other hand you could tell the mil look lady this is damaging my wife and I relationship if you care about your daughter stay away. So that she feels she is at fault and responsible to stay the **** away. Just saying... Good luck man!
bottlebomber
Well-Known Member
thewinechik said:
Yeah, pretty much dude talk there sister
thewinechik
Active Member
Oh well... But that cause she needs to understands her place!!!
thewinechik
Active Member
thewinechik said:
"Outside your house!!!"
Yeah, pretty much dude talk there sister
Nope, nope. BB, that's 'chick talk' if I've ever heard it. Too much insanity to be dude talk. Sister.
bottlebomber said:
It's bizarre to me: the MILs room is absolute chaos. The MILs place 3 hours away is chaos. But somehow she finds it necessary to make our bed every morning. It's taken months and much grief to get her to stop that bs. She's like a self-appointed relationship custodian. My wife says her mom has always focused on other people's stuff so she doesn't have to deal with her own. My wife says her mom has never been interested in personal growth. All I'm saying is take the log outta her eye before she tends to the splinter in mine.
kombat
Well-Known Member
This thread has got to be a put-on. Surely nobody is actually spineless enough to put up with this level of meddling and dysfunction in their own home from an outside source.
If the OP is actually telling the truth, then the solution is obvious and has already been repeated ad nauseam: MIL has to move out. Permanently. She does not live with you. She has her own place. Your home belongs to you and your wife. You're supposed to be getting on with your own lives, starting your own family.
I understand MIL has her own issues at home, and I'm not unsympathetic. But her unwillingness to confront and address her own problems does not give her license to make them into YOUR problems.
Honestly - what's the eventual endgame here? How does your MIL see this playing out? In 5 years, she's still living there, an integral part of your family? 10 years? 20 years? Does she think it's normal for a family to consist of a husband, a wife, their children, and the wife's mother, all living under the same roof, indefinitely?
Look, you need to sit down with the MIL and say, "I understand you and AbusiveDrunk have some issues you're dealing with, but your daughter and I are trying to nurture our own young marriage, and your presence here is creating a relationship dynamic that is making it harder for us to work through our own issues in a normal, healthy way. If you need help getting AbusiveDrunk out of your home, or you want us to help you find an affordable apartment of your own so you can separate from AbusiveDrunk, we're more than willing to help you with that. But we need our own space. And if you're not willing to kick AbusiveDrunk out, but you aren't willing to live with him either, then we can't help you. That's something you need to figure out on your own. But staying here to escape confronting your own problems is no longer an option."
If the OP is actually telling the truth, then the solution is obvious and has already been repeated ad nauseam: MIL has to move out. Permanently. She does not live with you. She has her own place. Your home belongs to you and your wife. You're supposed to be getting on with your own lives, starting your own family.
I understand MIL has her own issues at home, and I'm not unsympathetic. But her unwillingness to confront and address her own problems does not give her license to make them into YOUR problems.
Honestly - what's the eventual endgame here? How does your MIL see this playing out? In 5 years, she's still living there, an integral part of your family? 10 years? 20 years? Does she think it's normal for a family to consist of a husband, a wife, their children, and the wife's mother, all living under the same roof, indefinitely?
Look, you need to sit down with the MIL and say, "I understand you and AbusiveDrunk have some issues you're dealing with, but your daughter and I are trying to nurture our own young marriage, and your presence here is creating a relationship dynamic that is making it harder for us to work through our own issues in a normal, healthy way. If you need help getting AbusiveDrunk out of your home, or you want us to help you find an affordable apartment of your own so you can separate from AbusiveDrunk, we're more than willing to help you with that. But we need our own space. And if you're not willing to kick AbusiveDrunk out, but you aren't willing to live with him either, then we can't help you. That's something you need to figure out on your own. But staying here to escape confronting your own problems is no longer an option."
That's how a lot of people function- really. Fix/help others so they never have to consider their own weaknesses and problems.
Counselling will help her tremendously, if she will actually do the work.
In the meantime, hug your wife and tell her you love her, even when you feel like you're going to scream. She's got more emotional involvement in this then even you do, and I'm sure she's feeling guilty and torn over the whole thing.
OP, most of the advice you are getting here is some variant of "tell her off, take a hard-line stand and kick her out" which sounds good but there is another way to look at it.
The easiest thing to do with a family member who is difficult and has emotional problems (or perhaps mental illness) is to banish them, get rid of them. But unfortunately life is more complicated than that and sometimes the easy thing isn't what we need to do. As the saying goes, we can't pick our families. Strength and best wishes to you and yours.
The easiest thing to do with a family member who is difficult and has emotional problems (or perhaps mental illness) is to banish them, get rid of them. But unfortunately life is more complicated than that and sometimes the easy thing isn't what we need to do. As the saying goes, we can't pick our families. Strength and best wishes to you and yours.
Generally it would be best if your wife solves this. Talk
with the wife. Be supportive, but make it clear if she isn't
going to do anything about it you are. Give her a clear deadline
and stick to it. After that, if needed, lock the MIL out completely
for a few months.
Key to solving such situations is to be reasonable when making
agreements, be consequent when enforcing them. Hardest part will
be to not fall for 'just another day', but if you do you're lost.
This might not be fun to you or your wife, but understand
on the long terms it's the best way with the fewest pain for all
parties involved.
Who knows, it may force your MIL to straighten her own marriage,
and life might end up fine for everyone. You should respect your MIL,
and support her if possible, but letting her ignore her troubles,
escalate them and let them infect your life and destroy your marriage
is another matter entirely.
with the wife. Be supportive, but make it clear if she isn't
going to do anything about it you are. Give her a clear deadline
and stick to it. After that, if needed, lock the MIL out completely
for a few months.
Key to solving such situations is to be reasonable when making
agreements, be consequent when enforcing them. Hardest part will
be to not fall for 'just another day', but if you do you're lost.
This might not be fun to you or your wife, but understand
on the long terms it's the best way with the fewest pain for all
parties involved.
Who knows, it may force your MIL to straighten her own marriage,
and life might end up fine for everyone. You should respect your MIL,
and support her if possible, but letting her ignore her troubles,
escalate them and let them infect your life and destroy your marriage
is another matter entirely.
A put-on? A sham thread? I wish. Me spineless? I like to think of myself as a nice guy. I think spineless is too strong of a word to describe my position.
I've been tolerant of my MIL, her imperfections and the games that are being played. From the time my kid was born the MIL’s presence was beneficial. Her presence started being detrimental around the time my kid turned 3. The kid is now 4 and 4 months and my MIL has proven to be detrimental to my kid’s growth and development. This is where I draw the line. My kid is NOT going to grow up NOT owning her consequences. NOT being babied! NOT being bottled! And NOT being spoon fed!
I was in the army for 5 active duty years. I know high-standards. I know how to enforce those high-standards, and I know how to be a prick. But I need to remind myself that this is not the army. I’m not going to give my MIL an abrupt boot. Like an injured bird: I’m going to patch the wing, nurture some rehab, encourage safe flight before I climb to the roof top, and let the bird go. Either the bird flies or hits the concrete. I did my best.
So the plan, between the wife and I, is to turn the MIL on to counseling. Alternate 1 week here, 1 week there, and by February 2013 she will be there, not at my house, full-time. And, on alternating Friday nights and Saturdays the MIL can babysit and spend healthy, spoiling time with my kid.
That’s the plan. But already the MIL is coming up with reasons to regress: Her brother just died. So she’s gotta’ transport the widow to the ceremony thing. So why travel back and forth when she can just stay with us. This surprised me and the wife. But we have to be compassionate to these sort of things if we’re going to nurture any level of growth or mourning the loss of her brother.
It’s deep man. It’s deep. My reason for posting on this board is to vent and the humor really helps me cope. Thanks for all the funny posts. I really enjoy those. Especially the “Woman Hitler” one.
I've been tolerant of my MIL, her imperfections and the games that are being played. From the time my kid was born the MIL’s presence was beneficial. Her presence started being detrimental around the time my kid turned 3. The kid is now 4 and 4 months and my MIL has proven to be detrimental to my kid’s growth and development. This is where I draw the line. My kid is NOT going to grow up NOT owning her consequences. NOT being babied! NOT being bottled! And NOT being spoon fed!
I was in the army for 5 active duty years. I know high-standards. I know how to enforce those high-standards, and I know how to be a prick. But I need to remind myself that this is not the army. I’m not going to give my MIL an abrupt boot. Like an injured bird: I’m going to patch the wing, nurture some rehab, encourage safe flight before I climb to the roof top, and let the bird go. Either the bird flies or hits the concrete. I did my best.
So the plan, between the wife and I, is to turn the MIL on to counseling. Alternate 1 week here, 1 week there, and by February 2013 she will be there, not at my house, full-time. And, on alternating Friday nights and Saturdays the MIL can babysit and spend healthy, spoiling time with my kid.
That’s the plan. But already the MIL is coming up with reasons to regress: Her brother just died. So she’s gotta’ transport the widow to the ceremony thing. So why travel back and forth when she can just stay with us. This surprised me and the wife. But we have to be compassionate to these sort of things if we’re going to nurture any level of growth or mourning the loss of her brother.
It’s deep man. It’s deep. My reason for posting on this board is to vent and the humor really helps me cope. Thanks for all the funny posts. I really enjoy those. Especially the “Woman Hitler” one.
Goofynewfie
Well-Known Member
You could always make money by letting Universities test experimental drugs on her. she's not at your house and you get money
You hit that dead-on. I have to remind myself that this is really hard for my wife. In a lot of ways her divorced parents are much more difficult than my dead mom at 4 years old. My wife has to continually rehash that wound. Me? I just have to accept God's will and know that my mom would have stuck around if it were up to her.
mtg4772 said:
Sounds like a perfect approach. Clearly you are using a very logical method to solve an emotional problem. Very few people have the character and wisdom to handle things in this matter.
From your writing I can see that you will emerge from this in tact. Maybe a little bruised, but in tact nonetheless.
Keep your head up, and keep hugging your bride.
thewinechik
Active Member
I hope everyone is still alive!!! I think you are approaching it well. But, if all fails, passive aggressive ... MOVE! This might backfire cause if she moves further the she would visit longer..on that note don't move. Go on with your plan, seems sensible. Good luck bro! We will keep you " sane " with a couple beers. Oh on the days she is over brew!
Goofynewfie
Well-Known Member
We had mine declared insane, now if she gets to out of control we can just have her commited.
True story
True story
thewinechik
Active Member
Well the law is : unless she is a danger to herself or others the. You can have her committed ( physical danger that is).
We have not heard from our pal, I guess he is dealing much better. Good!!
We have not heard from our pal, I guess he is dealing much better. Good!!
bottlebomber
Well-Known Member
thewinechik said:
Given your first sentence, I'd say that's very optimistic of you
