Long vent thread (disclaimer: women problems)

[passedpawn]

Some people make horrible spouses. Immaturity, basic unresolved emotional problems in their history, who knows. For them, there might never be a solution that makes them a satisfying mate. These people might also be disappointing parents.

I'd move on and remain friends if possible.

 

[david_42]

This is coming from a guy that married for the first time at 58. I have been in love with other women in the past, but once things start falling apart the odds of them being repairable are low. I can only add a vote for breaking the engagement. Nothing in your posts makes me think this can work. She needs to move home.

 

[Bensiff]

Yeah, it really can feel that way sometimes. Other times, i feel like I'm just being paranoid and over reacting.

It's a fine line, that i don't want to cross ... atleast not yet.

I don't want to give up on what we've had and potentially could have, because of a trying two month period.

Here's that advice you didn't want, but I'm guessing it will lead to what many are thinking but too nice to say because I think we can all relate to your story and are sympathetic if not empathetic to your plight.

I'm sure you have a local guy focused afternoon or morning show in your town like we do in Seattle (The Men's Room), call them up and tell them your fiance has been texting her ex, now is looking to move out, and is staying at her ex's 3-4 nights a week to watch the dogs. I think they will be pretty clear in their response for you.

 

[bob1852]

Here's that advice you didn't want, but I'm guessing it will lead to what many are thinking but too nice to say because I think we can all relate to your story and are sympathetic if not empathetic to your plight.

I'm sure you have a local guy focused afternoon or morning show in your town like we do in Seattle (The Men's Room), call them up and tell them your fiance has been texting her ex, now is looking to move out, and is staying at her ex's 3-4 nights a week to watch the dogs. I think they will be pretty clear in their response for you.

Or give Tom Leykis a call.

 

[david_42]

One other thought- how do you feel about counseling? The reason I mention that is that it seems like the truth comes out there. .

Good point. Tried it in my first serious relationship. She picked the counselor. After a couple sessions, the counselor said, "(name withheld), you are paying absolutely no attention to what David is saying. That might be the main problem."

 

[mmb]

Finding herself means who she is by herself. That's not married and usually not engaged either.

If this is the girl for you, make it work. If you have any qualms at all, cut bait. The divorce rate for first marriages is hitting 50%, those stats don't need any help before you get married.

 

[Barnzy02]

I am immensely enjoying the comments from guys compared to the two females who replied here.

As i said, just wanted to vent, whether this was the best place to do it, yeah thats debatable.

In the end, i just needed to get **** off of my chest that i felt like i haven't told anyone.

again, i appreciate all your responses.

 

[theredbeard]

Um, how many red flags do you need? definitely don't get tied down to that unstable relationship. run!

 

[theredbeard]

Also, your friends/family will have a more informed perspective and probably better advice.

 

[BeardedIdiot]

I second (or third?) Yoopers suggestion of counseling. If she's having issues knowing who she really is/what she really wants she should probably get some counseling anyways. Going in together could help your relationship, in addition to helping her get to know what she need to find out who she is.

It could end up helping you, or it could end up leading to the conclusion that you need to separate, perhaps permanently. But either way it will have been worked out with someone's help who knows how to get the communication going both ways.

I would never tell you what you should do, even over the internet. I'm not you, I don't know you, I don't know your fiance. Just figure out what YOU need, and whether or not you can help your fiance with what SHE needs. If that means a counselor, see a counselor. If that means breaking up, break up.

 

[Bensiff]

I'm intrigued how many are focusing on her needing to know who she really is and completely ignoring that she is currently living with an ex half the time as though that is a normal thing not to worry about.

 

[Barnzy02]

She's not living 'with' him.

She stays there with his dog while he is not in the city.

 

[bob1852]

Poison the dog. Problem solved.

Kidding, of course.

 

[the_bird]

She's not living 'with' him.

She stays there with his dog while he is not in the city.

Let me get this straight, though.

She's driving from Philly, to the Jersey shore, every week... to dog-sit.

That doesn't seem... odd?

 

[Barnzy02]

Let me get this straight, though.

She's driving from Philly, to the Jersey shore, every week... to dog-sit.

That doesn't seem... odd?

Haha, no He is the one traveling to work from Philly to Jersey.

She stays at his apartment in Philly, basically giving her a place to just 'be'.

 

[ReverseApacheMaster]

It doesn't sound like either of you are happy. In fact, both of you are probably incredibly miserable all the time. It won't get better.

You may feel selfish about leaving her now but whether you want it to happen or not she is in the process of leaving you. Until she decides she can financially support herself she is going to continue to build all the other parts of a separate life from you, including other guys. However, she will kindly continue to pretend you have a relationship with her so she can continue to live off of you. The second she can do it on her own she will outwardly end your relationship.

She has already made the decision to end the relationship. It's just a question of how long you will let her milk off of you.

 

[ReverseApacheMaster]

She's not living 'with' him.

She stays there with his dog while he is not in the city.

So she says.

 

[Barnzy02]

It doesn't sound like either of you are happy. In fact, both of you are probably incredibly miserable all the time. It won't get better.

You may feel selfish about leaving her now but whether you want it to happen or not she is in the process of leaving you. Until she decides she can financially support herself she is going to continue to build all the other parts of a separate life from you, including other guys. However, she will kindly continue to pretend you have a relationship with her so she can continue to live off of you. The second she can do it on her own she will outwardly end your relationship.

She has already made the decision to end the relationship. It's just a question of how long you will let her milk off of you.

Fair enough. It's crossed my mind.

 

[jmendez29]

In my long past marriage, I had similar issues. What I learned is this. She did things that broke my heart. I don't think that she intentionally set out to ruin our marriage, what I think happened is that she had unfulfilled needs. Whether she knew these needs went unfulfilled or not is not necessarily the issue. But she felt compelled to fulfill them whether she told me and I was unwilling or unable to do so myself, or if she had ever even allowed me the opportunity.

I also learned that a relationship is NOT a 50/50 proposal. It is a 100% from both sides situation. We all have our off days, and on those days, when I can't cover my portion, she's got it covered for me. And vice versa.

It sounds to me that she is looking for something. She may or may not know what it is. And if she knows, she may or may not be willing to allow you to help. But when you say that this has been going on for two months, then I think she is no longer interested in covering her share and leaving it up to you to keep things together.

You said you are not the type of person to cut bait and run... Most people aren't, really. But are you the type to continue to dump resources into a bottomless pit? Each person has their own limit, and we've all found ourselves overinvested at some point or another. Only you can decide where the end is, and whether or not you've passed it. I can tell you my opinion, but it won't matter. This is your decision. But pass or fail, you and you alone have to live with the consequences.

 

[CGVT]

Good grief, man. Move on. You have nothing invested in this. GTFO before you two have a kid and you're stuck dealing with her the rest of your life.

Fall out of love (it's possible) and get on with your life.

As someone said earlier, life is too damn short for this kind of crap.

 

[kenstogie]

So she says.

ditto. the possibility that she is lying should have crossed your mind.

 

[Chia]

just a little FYI, my mother was house sitting for a guy, they are now married and my father has lost everything he had.

 

[onthekeg]

just a little FYI, my mother was house sitting for a guy, they are now married and my father has lost everything he had.

He should have had a better lawyer. Sorry for your issues there, but there must have been many years of issues leading to this. I got divorced 6 years ago and the kids are (slowly) finally figuring out that I wasn't the issue.

 

[CGVT]

just a little FYI, my mother was house sitting for a guy, they are now married and my father has lost everything he had.

Yep. Where there is smoke there is usually fire.

If the OP's gut says there is something up, there probably is...

 

[aygov]

I'm not going to get into the whole debate of her finding herself and what not... but the whole dog sitting thing. Not cool, not kosher, and absolutely no good will come of that.

You can keep saying that he's not over there and she's just being herself by herself, but the miss you text means there is more than just "friend" stuff going on. No one texts their ex because they miss what they had when they were friends. Sure he might not be over there all the time, but I highly doubt that this is all done without some sort of face to face contact. They'll see each other more and more, get nostalgic for what once was, and you'll find yourself holding the short end while she dog sits permanently...

 

[RC0032]

Walk away...I did once...12 days before the wedding. BEST decision EVER!! Its not cheap but BEST DECISION EVER!

 

[CreamyGoodness]

Let me add my ha'penny. Ask anyone you know who is happily married what they do when they need time alone to "just be". For me its youtube videos and computer games. Some of them go fishing or catch a game with their friends. Maybe they go have a beer with the girls or the guys at the bar...

Y'know what I guarentee none of them are doing? Staying at their ex's dog sitting.

I'm going to assume that everything she has told you is completely the truth. Even so, there is only one thing to do. Let her go. Right now you are hugging a cat who doesnt want to be hugged and she's squirming and scratching and wants down right now. This absolutely cannot end well.

I'm going to go one further of SZ and say you help her however you can to get a place of her own. Give her a teary-eyed kiss on the forehead and lose her number for a good long while. Also, I disagree with SZ about not dating. I think dating someone(s) else is EXACTLY what you need. Maybe in special magic happy place when she decides she loves Philly and has a million new friends and has been a nun in the time you were apart you will decide that she's still the one for you and you can work on rebuilding things. Y'know whats more likely to happen? You'll realize that not only is the new person you are dating beautiful and interesting and smart but she also doesnt do X, Y, and Z that you didnt even realize annoyed you and how did you think you were so compatible to begin with? From personal experience, if I had married the woman in college I was buying a ring for I would be with someone who hated New York, only ate like 4 things and used to burst into tears when I used to rant about something... Another woman, the first I had ever fallen in love with, has been happily married to a woman for the past 5 years. So yeah... we can become so blinded by the trees we dont see the forest.

Having a decent person who loves you is a great start, but its not the only thing you need.

To recap; my advise is 1) get her out of your apartment, even if this means helping her financially to do so 2) explore your new life without her while she does the same and 3) break a few glass bottles on the sidewalk and punch a few punching bags.

 

[WhiskeySam]

Let me add my ha'penny. Ask anyone you know who is happily married what they do when they need time alone to "just be". For me its youtube videos and computer games. Some of them go fishing or catch a game with their friends. Maybe they go have a beer with the girls or the guys at the bar...

Y'know what I guarentee none of them are doing? Staying at their ex's dog sitting.

This.

 

[ingchr1]

run!

Like your pants are on fire!

And it is a long post but all is said in these words: " Now, i'm wondering if that was the right decision...."

 

[slomo]

The relationship is over. If your not sure if its over go and ask the ex if he is banging her. RUN! When I say run that doesn't mean you have to move from your place. Get her crap out of your place and put it on the ex's front yard. Then become completely unavailable to her. NO communication, do not call her, do not answer her calls, do not text her, do not Facebook, no smoke signals, no pigeons with little notes strapped to its leg... Nothing! Then get to know yourself. Brew beer, hang with your bros, listen to music, burp then fart, go hunting then fishing, get front row seats to a drag race, and go to as many sporting events as possible. The point being is that you have no idea who you are, and that is your ultimate problem. You sound like a good dude and I hope the best for you. I will have a pint on your behalf. Oh and if possible try and get the ring back. I am sure that was not cheap.