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That doesn't sound like a good time, I'm not going to do any of that...

For real, I'm just wondering what it is, what causes it, what it will taste like, will it clear up, etc
It's a pellicle. Happens from time to time. If disturbed (like shaking the bottle), it will drop to the bottle and become 'sediment'.
 
It will drop out if given enough time, or if you want just give the bottle a slight shake and then leave in the fridge for a few hours before you consume. Just means there is some oxygen in the head space and whatever brett is still alive in there is protecting your beer from it.

Thanks!
 
Infected. Place bottles in oven at 450f for 30 minutes to sterilize and then wipe down with 60:40 alcohol/bleach solution before they are safe to consume.

I cannot stress enough how important it is to own a good pair of oven mitts and/or dual lambic dick baskets to protect your hands whilst handling the 450 degree bottle. (And no you noobs, you cant just let it cool down before handling!) A very critical part he forgot to mention is you need to swirl and shake the bottle so liquid touches all the surface area in the headspace. You also gotta keep that cork moist so it doesnt catch fire.
 
I cannot stress enough how important it is to own a good pair of oven mitts and/or dual lambic dick baskets to protect your hands whilst handling the 450 degree bottle. (And no you noobs, you cant just let it cool down before handling!) A very critical part he forgot to mention is you need to swirl and shake the bottle so liquid touches all the surface area in the headspace. You also gotta keep that cork moist so it doesnt catch fire.

Whenever I offer to keep my fiances cork moist, she makes me sleep on the couch :(
 
It sounds like your wife has a penis.

creative-funny-man-bottle-opener-perky-novelty.jpg
 
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