Jokes Dirty or otherwise

[DougK]

Here's a similar one:

Everyone knows the Stork brings babies, but do you know which bird prevents them?

The swallow.

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[JohnSand]

Okay, I'm on board:
Mean people suck.
Nice people swallow.

 

[TrainSafe]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Phil."

The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife the word is 'sternum'."

I just read this one last night. Today I sat in church right behind an elderly gentleman who was wearing a sternum support device (chest harness). The tag facing me had the word sternum embroidered. I was chuckling the whole time. I struggled to focus on the message and the service as I recalled this joke.

 

[SharonaZamboni]

I just read this one last night. Today I sat in church right behind an elderly gentleman who was wearing a sternum support device (chest harness). The tag facing me had the word sternum embroidered. I was chuckling the whole time. I struggled to focus on the message and the service as I recalled this joke.

Lol!

My ex husband had a serious motorcycle wreck, and his "sternum" looked for all the world like one big black bowling ball. He didn't notice for a couple days, but once he did, he never failed to share with a male visitor. "Hey, look at this!", then he'd rip back the hospital sheets. Pure horror on the unsuspecting guy's face. It got so I couldn't wait for a new visitor.

 

[betarhoalphadelta]

What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?







Your wife will blow your bonus.

 

[Temptd2]

OK, not a joke, per se, but a funny I got via email from a male friend today.

Profound Philosophy!

"It's only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize there is always a way to solve problems without using violence."

 

[JohnSand]

:d:d:d

 

[JohnSand]

And again, the forum translates smileys into lower case gibberish. Anyway Temptd, that made me laugh.

 

[sandyeggoxj]

And again, the forum translates smileys into lower case gibberish. Anyway Temptd, that made me laugh.

Got to use an uppercase d!

 

[JohnSand]

I actually just clicked on the smiley. It showed upper case before submitting, lower case after. That's the thing about computers. They make the internet hard to use!

 

[betarhoalphadelta]

I actually just clicked on the smiley. It showed upper case before submitting, lower case after. That's the thing about computers. They make the internet hard to use!

If the forum detects you "yelling", it converts your text to lower case...

 

[JohnSand]

I never yell. I speak softly and carry a side-arm.

 

[kingboomer]

What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?







Your wife will blow your bonus.

Reminds me of the dude that got a hunderd dollar bill tattooed on his pecker.


His wife loves blowing money

 

[Temptd2]

Another "not a joke per se" but cracked me UP when I got it via email today!

 

[JohnSand]

Laughed.

 

[DougK]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wngsO-Z4n7A

 

[fuzzy2133]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wngsO-Z4n7A

LMAO

At least a couple guys admitted to it and laughed.

 

[Totes]

Two men are out in the woods deer hunting, when all of a sudden, one guy passes out and falls to the ground, unconscious. In panic, the other hunter quickly dials "911." When the Operator answers the phone, he yells, "Help! My friend just collapsed, I think he's dead!" The operator says, "Calm down, sir. First, we need to make sure he's actually dead." There's a brief period of silence, then all of a sudden a shot is fired and breaks the silence. Seconds later, the man jumps back on the phone and says, "Ok...now what?"

 

[gratus fermentatio]

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, And go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them "Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you?" Ole replies, "Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit."

The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two from Minnesota , the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims, "Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?" Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere at da Falls, so ve've yust got ta have a fish fry vhen da veather's dis nice."

The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell. The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men.

The devil is dumbfounded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?"

They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya know, if hell is froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl!"

 

[jmendez29]

This one always makes me smile just a little.

 

[JohnSand]

We used to pull similar pranks in police cars (I was a cop). Confetti or baby powder in the vents, blower on high with the car off. On starting, poof!

 

[Homercidal]

This one always makes me smile just a little.

I find the whiteface a bit racist and disgusting.

 

[kingboomer]

Confucious say:

Man who walk through turnstile sideways going to Bangkok

 

[Jupapabear]

Confusions say:

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

 

[thgirtruoc_nairb]

Confucius say:
Man who jerk off in peanut butter jar is f?$&ing nuts.

 

[Hamaki]

Confucius say:
Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day

 

[drainbamage]

Confucius say:

Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with stinky finger.

 

[jhoneycutt]

Confucius say:

Man with bird in hand worth two in bush

 

[pointcity-homebrew]

Confucius Say
The difference between pink and purple, is your grip.

 

[GeorgiaMead]

Confucius says man who stands on toilet is high on pot


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