Hmmmm doing some brainstorming...
-Get a wheat yeast strain with high low attenuation to leave a lot of sugars in. Having yeast in suspension makes it thicker. Anf othef stuff can overpower the wheat yeast taste.
-Enough base malt to get to 10% or so ABV.
-Every trick in the book to get thicker beer. Oats etc. etc.
-Enough roased malts to get it midnight black.
-Big handful of magnum bittering hops to blance out all the above. Some European hops of some sort for late addition.
Hmmmmmm....
You forgot the 10w-30 motor oil!