divorce...

[goodbyebluesky82]

I think my marriage is over. She seems to have made up her mind. Theres been a lot of strain the last 6 months, and she wants to give up. She swears she never wanted this to happen.

I got married at 19 (yah I know I got a lot of flack for it then)

Been married over 6 years. I helped raise her son, who is 9 now. Love him to death even though hes a handful. Had a son with her, he is now 4. She was a stay at home mom with our son for TWO years. Now she works part-time. We moved to NC from FL, bought a house. Things have been rough financially but I've held it together.

Good news is the house is in my name only. But the bad news....

My credit is shot from all the "robbing peter to pay paul" I've done. Can't refinance my house to pay off credit card debt, and even if I could it would suck to live here all by myself and try and survive on a single income at single taxrates.

I can't really sell it because the market sucks right now and I never finished renovations and can't afford to right now. The bathroom is horribly outdated, its missing trim in a lot of rooms, windows need to be replaced or at least totally reglazed and painted (I've done almost 1/2 of them). I would probably sell at a loss or maybe break even, but I would still be stuck with a lot of debt from repairing/renovating.

I also really can't figure out where she thiks shes headed from this point. She talks about going back to school and getting her degree so she can be a teacher like she wants to. I've never stood in the way of that (hell she herself just figured out what she wants in the last 6 months). But I'm not keen on the idea of keeping up this hellacious work/save/sacrifice/conserve/worry pattern I've been in so she can keep living here and then leave once she's in a position to support herself. Thats taking advantage of me. She says it would be for the sake of the kids.

This morning.... in the midst of someone coming out to look at my NEW HVAC system because its not working right and the guy who installed is nowhere to be found at the moment and now its gonna take even more money to get it right that I don't really have...... I feel like I just cracked.

I told her, "I'm tired of this and I'm too burnt out to keep pourng myself into this if you're just leaving or wanting to stay as roommates to start a new life for yourself. I'll just let the bank foreclose on the house and we can both figure out where to go." She might be worried now. I think shes weighing her options and seeing her free ride drying up. I don't know what she would do, she makes like $900-1000 a MONTH working part-time, a tiny bit of child support for my stepson from his father. I'll struggle having to start over, but her... I don't know how she'll survive without some kind of help from somebody. And I wouldn't care.... but thats my sons childhoods and well-being we're talking about for heaven's sake.

All our family is back in FL and she wants to go back anyway, so it wouldnt suprise me is she tried to get someone to help her go back. In which case I would have to follow her if I wanted to see my sons. So that means giving up the house one way or the other, and starting over with a new job and such. I got an old buddy from High School that just got a house and is fixing it up. He would let me crash there indefinitely, have my own room. It would be humbling but I really don't care. I'd live under a bridge to get rid of the stress I'm under trying to maintain out living situation up here, and just be out from under debt, or towards getting out of debt, etc.

 

[BigKahuna]

Better Days ahead man!

Ez to say, hard to do, but try to think of the good that Will come. There are givers in this world, and there are takers...you might just as well have a giver as some writing lying no account succubus!

 

[brauhaus]

i have no real advice for you, but I will keep you in my thoughts, it's a tough situation altogether.

 

[paulthenurse]

Good luck brother.

 

[Brew-Happy]

Not to pry, but have you two considered marriage support/guidance through a local church?

Many of the churches I have attended offer free support and guidance from individuals that have been where you are or in worse situations. IF you two can agree there is some direction for you as a couple and as a family it might be an opportunity.

Often the guidance can be tailored to be non-religious if you would prefer.

 

[goodbyebluesky82]

Not to pry, but have you two considered marriage support/guidance through a local church?

Many of the churches I have attended offer free support and guidance from individuals that have been where you are or in worse situations. IF you two can agree there is some direction for you as a couple and as a family it might be an opportunity.

Often the guidance can be tailored to be non-religious if you would prefer.

We ARE religious. Our pastor knows there is some strain, but he will be suprised at an actual seperation. Thats what makes this worse because I believe I have ever responsibility to persevere, for spiritual reasons and for the loads of real world reasons. She's just already made up her mind, and doesn't want to talk to anyone about it.

We will try to be civil for the sake of the kids and not change living arrangements for some time... maybe during that time she will change her mind and be willing to talk to someone.

 

[jgln]

I know this sounds like sucky advice, but you are young and have a lot of years ahead of you to put things back together one way or another. I am 48 and have been through a lot of things I thought would almost be the end of me but in time things turned around. Even if we were close friends this would be an extremely difficult situation to say something that would make all this good. Once you know for sure what you need to do put your efforts into that and getting this over so you can begin to be happy again and work toward your financial security. On what you can do to make this less painful on your finances you really should speak to a lawyer and the bank ASAP about your situation. Good luck.

 

[jgln]

I know this sounds like sucky advice, but you are young and have a lot of years ahead of you to put things back together one way or another. I am 48 and have been through a lot of things I thought would almost be the end of me but in time things turned around. Even if we were close friends this would be an extremely difficult situation to say something that would make all this good. Once you know for sure what you need to do put your efforts into that and getting this over so you can begin to be happy again and work toward your financial security. On what you can do to make this less painful on your finances you really should speak to a lawyer and the bank ASAP about your situation. Good luck.

Oh, I know you probably don't want to be paying for a lawyer right now but you will be amazed how much advice they will give you for free on a quick phone call consultation. They usually want to speak with you quickly to understand your situation before taking you on anyway. I have done this several times (different calls to different lawyers for a consensus) on different issues and got a lot of free advice.

 

[VatorMan]

Sorry to hear about it. Financially-Cheaper to keep her. Find out why she feels the way she does and work toward a resolution. Two main things couples argue about is money and sex. Either one of those can make the other insignificant. If you catch my drift.

 

[Bernie Brewer]

I feel for ya. If it makes you feel any better, (and it probably doesn't) I am in the same boat. Separated after 17 years of marriage and 2 kids. Just waiting for the D-hammer to drop. It's gotta get better eventually.

 

[Duckfoot]

Sorry to hear about your situation... Can't say I have been there, but coming form a split family w/ dad on his 3rd wife and my mom being divorced thrice, the only advice I can give you is to make sure you NEVER talk bad about or fight your wife / ex in front of them... As I have grown older, I have made the realization that they were actually better off not staying together, I am thankful I wasn't influenced against either of them due to the other...

Good luck....

 

[Bernie Brewer]

Yeah, I'd like to add that no matter what, put the kids first. That is soooo important.
No matter what happens with the rest of your relationship with your wife, you simply must be able to work together with her where the kids are concerned. Do your best to be on the same page. I do believe that my wife will ask for a divorce eventually, but we still get together for parent-teacher conferences, IEP meetings, school concerts, little league, etc. you simply must be able to put your differences aside for that.

 

[gratus fermentatio]

Divorce sucks, protect your assets. Maybe look into renting out your house, at the very least the rent could make part of the payment, maybe even the whole payment for you.
Best of luck to you. Regards, GF.

 

[joety]

Don't know you at all, but from your post you sound like you have your head on straight and just picked the wrong woman. Been there, done that. Looking back and knowing what a wuss I am now, I'm surprised I survived my first marriage unscathed, but humans are amazingly resilient and you'll do fine long term. You'll also remember next time that there is more to finding a mate than just love and attraction.

 

[joety]

BTW: My credit was all f***ed up from the first marriage in the early nineties (I was about your age) and it's stellar now. You will overcome. Time heals all. Obviously the kids are priority one as this experience will stay with them longer than it does with you.

 

[goodbyebluesky82]

*UPDATE (if anyone is interested)

We've been going back and forth a couple days, talking about the reasons for this and me saying how bad this is going to screw us and the kids over in all kinds of ways.

She said "well maybe I should stay for you and the kids". Like.... she's gonna stay out of some sense of duty, like its a sacrifice. I want to keep my family together but I don't want a partner that pities me and stays out of obligation. Wow having to constantly be mentally reminded of that will be downer.

I'm thinking about joining up in one of the armed services. Its something I've thought about before but couldn't really do. But I figure I can live for nearly free while they pay me, so I'm covered and I can help her a little bit to get on her feet. (we're talking about the mother of my kids here) When I get out I'll have a bunch of money saved up and can start over more comfortably.

I really can't see staying in my current job/house/city/lifestyle if I am single again anyway.