( advice ) wife doesn't like me home brewing

[Tinhorn]

Woman needs a hobby - it's that simple. They seem to get jealous when you have fun and they don't.

. Seems her hobby is bashing his ? Agreed needs a new hobby can't be fun for either

 

[Brew-Jay]

Communication. That's what gets my wife and me through difficult issues. Another angle you might try - though this could be a hard sell - have her join you for a brew day. Actually let her do some of the steps. She may roll her eyes at you the whole time, but you'll be doing it together and that may go a long way. My wife had me help her learn how to knit once. And I actually got better at it than her!

 

[MrSpaz]

My wife also doesn't like when I spend so much money to brew. So I do my best not to brew all the time. Also, brewing with someone can help cut the cost, although you get half the beer which isn't always great! At the same time, I try to talk to her about it as much as I can. She loves good beer, so we go to the local breweries here in Cincy and talk about beer. This definitely helps. Also, I'm hoping to bring her in for a brew day soon and show her what it's about.

When you are young, money can be super tight. You just have to make sure you aren't blowing money on the side that's unnecessary. This will allow you to keep at your brew hobby (or that's what I've been finding at least).

 

[BigJack]

I've been married for 14 years and we have an amazing marriage for one simple reason: so long as we're faithful to our vows, we can both do as we like.

I don't have to understand or appreciate her friends, her hobbies, her TV shows and movies, and so forth and she doesn't have to understand or appreciate mine. If it makes her happy, then that's fantastic because I like her better when she's happy. If it makes me happy, then that's fantastic because she likes me better when I'm happy.

After all, she married me because I'm me and I married her because she's her. Why the hell would one of us try to limit the opinions and interests of the other?

 

[samorg42]

I've got it so that my costs (not including my labor; it is a hobby) are about 1/3 of what it would cost to buy craft beer. I buy my 2 row malt from a brewer in 50 pound sacks. Otherwise buy in bulk online. I buy hops by the pound online or from other homebrewers. I'm going to grow my own next year. I went from Smackpacks to Safale dry yeast and sometimes save and wash my yeast. My equipment (3 kegs) was all bought from brewers quitting the hobby or built my own.
One other note: I took everything outside to keep out of the kitchen. In bad weather, I can brew in the garage with the door open (no fumes). It is better for staying married. Outdoor cookers are much faster than a kitchen stovetop anyway.

 

[DPBISME]

It is a "control thing". I mean what else could it be... She wants to see how much she can control you. It might be harmless but then again if you start seeing a pattern you have a problem.

I mean "you can't see your friends", can't buy a motorcycle, can't visit you family or something along those lines you "really have a problem"!

DPB

 

[PDX_T]

My wife and I keep a pretty detailed budget, so we're well aware that the sunk cost for moving to 10 gallon all grain vs. 5 gallon extract, kegging, refrigeration, etc. pays back in about a year, especially since I'm not as tempted to walk down the street for a $4 pint or pay $10 for a six pack. In cost of goods, not including water and propane, my average beer is about $5 a gallon. Water is negligible, and propane may add about $1 a gallon. With extract, that was about $8/ gallon, and I couldn't produce as much in a year. Numbers don't lie. It's more fun, and if you're smart about it, definitely cheaper to brew your own.

 

[NewWestBrewer]

Sit down with her and do a budget. Show her (hopefully) that brewing fits into your budget. If not you might have to put it on hold for a bit. Make sure you show interest in her hobbies and communicate how much enjoyment you get out of brewing, however do not let it become all consuming. As hard as it is to scale back...maybe suggest a once a month or every two months you do a brew.

My wife wasn't really onboard until she saw how into it I got but I also do a lot og things around the house and make sure I spend as much time with her and my son as possible.
ALl the best

 

[jgm038]

But really - maybe try explaining it? My girlfriend never cared about it, but thought it cost alot more than what it actually does

 

[electrolight]

Woman needs a hobby - it's that simple. They seem to get jealous when you have fun and they don't.

Nail on the head.

 

[Colorowdy]

Sounds like it is your medusa in law that is the problem. Good luck man, you're gonna need it.

 

[h22lude]

Take advice on a forum with a grain of salt. Every person has their own way of dealing with things. What everyone said on here might not work for you.

With that said, I think there could be a few problems. If she is getting upset because you are spending money then maybe you guys need to talk about your finances. Maybe buying ingredients and equipment might not be in your budget right now. Or maybe she just doesn't know how much it really costs. If you are just starting off, it is expensive especially if you start buying things like wort chillers, 10 gallon pot and burner. But once you have what you need the batches cost $30 to $60 (depending on the beer style). So maybe she thinks you are spending more than you really are.

Another issue could be she doesn't want you to have that much beer in the house. Some people just don't like drinking or seeing other people drink.

Then this could be something completely not related to brewing but she is taking it out on your hobby.

I think all in all you can either keep doing it because it is your hobby or talk to her about it. I personally would talk about it. There could be an easy solution to it all. If you talk about it you can fix it. If you don't talk about it you could be causing more problems later on.

 

[KimmiC]

Definitely sit down and do a budget. We did that and we know what we can and cannot do. My mother in law lives with us and we do have differences. One good thing, she has her own setup, completely private from us but she will come over whenever she pleases. Just had to have a talk with her the other day that our finished living room and kitchenette in the basement is no longer called "the basement", therefore it is no longer a dumping ground for all of her junk. I set it up to be a brew station and also my husband will be making a reloading station down there. BUT, she likes beer, likes to have her cocktails and she can't wait to try my batch when it is ready!

 

[Backwoodsbrewing]

I agree with the bulk of those who recommend a good honest talk about the topic. I would like to also suggest maybe a side gig to help differ the cost. I am an electrician so I collect scrap copper which can be fairly lucrative. The money I get from copper pays for brewing and nothing comes out of any house money

 

[nukebrewer]

I agree with the bulk of those who recommend a good honest talk about the topic. I would like to also suggest maybe a side gig to help differ the cost. I am an electrician so I collect scrap copper which can be fairly lucrative. The money I get from copper pays for brewing and nothing comes out of any house money

I don't necessarily recommend this because some people simply may not have the time in their schedule, but this is also what I have done. Not collecting copper, but I got a second, part-time job to offset the cost of brewing.

 

[Rhumbline]

I agree!

...feels that you may start drinking too much, can create resentment of that hobby.

...

Just to point out the silliness of this, I've never been married, we've never met, you know nothing about me, and you're asking me for relationship advice.

I think Yooper may have hit the mark. Is there a possibility that your wife is concerned about something else? your drinking, the time you spend with your friends, etc? and is just afraid to confront you straight on?

As for the MIL, as long as you live within three hours' drive of the ol' battle ax, you will never have a moment's peace.

But what the hell do I know?

 

[BigJack]

Just to point out the silliness of this, I've never been married, we've never met, you know nothing about me, and you're asking me for relationship advice.

First day on the internet?

 

[RoughandReadyRanch]

First day on the internet?

Second day?

 

[JimRausch]

I also try to make sure that I fully clean up plus a little more. Like when I make my yeast starter the kitchen is clean and dishes done. She likes brew time because she gets a cleaned and sanitized kitchen.

Me too. When I'm all finished brewing, I wash the kitchen floor, without being asked. That, plus the outdoor propane burner eliminates any possible complaints.
Plus, of course, I usually manage to schedule my brewdays when my wife is away for the day..........:rockin:

 

[andy6026]

Tell her you could use the same equipment to make meth... would she prefer that?

 

[jtd_419]

Gotta fund the brewery some how

 

[RoughandReadyRanch]

Tell her you could use the same equipment to make meth... would she prefer that?

ARE YOU F!!CKING CRAZY!!!!! Don't tell her. Just come home and make it rain!

 

[insanim8er]

Damn I'm lucky... Guess I should marry the one I got. She loves my home brewing because she can drink it.

 

[brewbeginner]

wow! thanx for all the feedback. money is not an issue. I make more than the average income. In reading your comments I think the bigger issue is the time that I put into my beers.

 

[RonPopeil]

wow! thanx for all the feedback. money is not an issue. I make more than the average income. In reading your comments I think the bigger issue is the time that I put into my beers.

A lot of good advice in here. Going to try to keep this short.

Obviously the problem isn't brewing. It sounds like you're a younger guy in a new relationship. I'm not so old myself so I can relate to your social situation.

What I've come to understand is that the modern American woman is ridiculously insecure. They're raised to look for a knight in shining armor. In today's society that means someone who will cook,clean,work and give her the pants in the relationship. Basically, as a man, you're supposed to finish raising daddy's little girl for him. Since they don't know how to take care of themselves they act out and get insecure.

Best way I've found to handle these is to not handle it. You want a husband or a dad? I'm no good? Find someone else. Nine times out of ten the neediness is to appease their lack of self esteem. If you start down that path and play the game she'll keep asking herself if you'll do another thing. Before you know she's cheating on you because you've let her push it that far. "If he can forgive me he really loves me." There's no end to that self serving, depressed state of mind.

Be the man in the relationship. Make the tough decisions. Even if it hurts.

 

[DrunkleJon]

I will echo the sit down with SWMBO. Communication is key in all relationships. Tell her that you have noticed that she does not seem to entirely approve of your hobby and ask if there is something in particular about it that bothers her. Since you say it isn't exactly financial, yet that is what she brings up, there is something there that is bothering her. Ask, finances seem to be used when there is another motive. It could be as simple as time (she may want you all to herself which isnt necessarily a bad thing), or she fears that you may become an alcoholic. Homebrewing has some negative reputation because most people picture homebrewers as the guy from that stupid Buffalo Wild Wings commercial or a prisoner making prison wine.

The MIL seems to have some stigma against it as well, she may be the root of the problem. The MIL may be swaying SWMBO's feelings and making her unsure of your hobby. So I will say again, talk with your wife in a calm understanding way. do not listen to the "grow a pair", and "be a man" advice and find out what the problem is before you decide one way or another.

Then again, I am a faceless dude on the internet. I am the authority on everything. Listen or don't as you will and definitely take my advice with a grain of barley.

 

[Beergazzi]

Whenever my wife rolls her eyes at me brewing beer for 5 hours on a saturday (though Im still more than attentive to the kids / house) during that time, or when I sneek away into the basement to play some video games, I kindly remind her that her husband (me) could easily be out golfing for half the day, and playing softball 2 nights a week after work, or going to the gym from 7-8pm (I wake up at 5am to lift in the basement now so that I can be done by time I get the kids ready for school - wife leaves for work at 6:30am).

..oh and I cook dinner when I get home, without even taking off my office attire... despite her being home since 3:30.....this thread is now about me!!!
:smack::smack:
j/k...just make sure you are helpful around the house, and she should be cool with it and any other man-hobbies you have (within reason).

Oh, and next time, use the spent grains to make fresh baked bread, she'll slowly think your hobby is awesome. My wife looks forward to the breads.

 

[Malty_Dog]

wow! thanx for all the feedback. money is not an issue. I make more than the average income. In reading your comments I think the bigger issue is the time that I put into my beers.

Didn't read the whole thread, but as far as time goes I do try to minimize the impact on SWMBO. Whether its only brewing if she goes to visit her sister, or just during the day when she'll be out and about, that seems to help. My wife is supportive but would get annoyed if my brewing put her out a lot. I also took my brewing operation outside (Bayou classic burner), which also minimizes impact. Good luck!

 

[SupervisingChildren]

Just celebrated 14 year anniversary yesterday with swmbo. She got me into the hobby, and I'm sure she regrets it haha. She gets annoyed that I love to brew and spend my free time reading up on it and talking about my love of it. But the issue is moreso that I have a hobby and she doesn't have something similar to look forward to. Either way, the sitting down and talking to her sounds like a good plan.
With 2 little ones, I realize that I can't enjoy all my hobbies, so I don't get to fish nearly as often as I used to (oce a month versus 7 days a week pre-kids), but that's a part of compromising. Ah, the things we'll do for the love of beer...and of course for the love of your life...

 

[fuzzy2133]

Plenty of good advice; IMO having this conversation over a nice dinner just the two of you can go a long way.

The first 2 years my wifes opinion was influenced by her mom and grandma. That drove me nuts until I finally started point blank asker her if that is her opinion or mom/grandma's.