A quick primer for renewing the old debates in time for the newbies

[Black Island Brewer]

Okay, with lots of new brewers finding us this time of year, let's make sure we're giving them the best, most consistent answers to their questions. To refresh your memory on what is right, please adhere to the following:
Plastic buckets or carboys are the best fermentors. Glass will kill you, and stainless is for frat boys.
Dry yeast is for wussies. If you don't build your own cigar box /computer fan stirplate, and make starters from liquid yeast, you don't deserve to call yourself a homebrewer.
The only solution for getting an infected beer is to blame it on your equipment, throw it all out and buy new. Except for your glass carboy that you should not have.
Kegging is the only way to package your beer. Anyone who bottles is either poor or not bright enough, and is a complete waste of time.
All of those schmucks who build fancy fermentation control systems are wasting their money. If they were just decent brewers, they could ferment a bo-pils at 70 and win medals.
Brewing other people's recipes is to be avoided at all costs. If you can't just throw some malt and hops together and get a great beer out of out of it, give up the hobby now.
What ever works for a commercial brewer is what we should do to. After all, they're the pros, right?
Always, always rack your beer to a secondary, and do it in a week no matter what. So what if the yeast aren't done- we have to show them who's boss!
Anyone who mashes more that 20 minutes is an ignoramus. And a protein rest or decoction mash? Please, "science" proves they are a waste of time.
The debate between batch sparging and continuous sparging was settled long ago: full volume BIAB won.
Corona Mills are the best way to crush your grains, because they're the cheapest.
You need to adjust all of your brewing water using spreadsheets, chemicals, and scales capable of weighing out cocaine. Unless all your friends tell you you make great beer, in which case you don't even need to get rid of the chloramines.
You need to make your brew day as short as possible, because then you can do better things with the rest of your time, like post in Drunken Ramblings on Home Brew Talk.

Have I missed any of the important ones? Yeast washing? Soaking labels? Mash hopping?

Happy New Year to you all! Looking forward to another year of brewing up trouble here on HBT!

 

[Natdavis777]

You need to make your brew day as short as possible, because then you can do better things with the rest of your time, like post in Drunken Ramblings on Home Brew Talk.

This is completely justifiable...

 

[Billy-Klubb]

you forgot, "If you disagree with Billy-Klubb, you get free berry punches."

 

[JohnSand]

You forgot that to do anything to make your brew day shorter or easier, you will be Cast Out.
Unless it is to build a fabulously expensive automated computerized shiny electric system with lots of acronyms.

 

[CorporateHippie]

What should we say for this:

FISRT TIME BREWER AND I NEED HELP ASAP!!
Hi, first time poster but long time lurker here. I have decided to jump in and start brewing for my friends so they think I am a hipster. Anyway, I did a Mr. Beer kit two days ago and decided to take a "sample" today. It does not even taste like beer yet!! HELP?? Should I buy a glass jar and dump it in there? or should I just bottle it now? I am really hoping this turns out just like REAL beer because my buddy wants me to brew for his wedding in the summer.
Peace. Love. and Ducklips!!

 

[Tin4]

What should we say for this:

FISRT TIME BREWER AND I NEED HELP ASAP!!
Hi, first time poster but long time lurker here. I have decided to jump in and start brewing for my friends so they think I am a hipster. Anyway, I did a Mr. Beer kit two days ago and decided to take a "sample" today. It does not even taste like beer yet!! HELP?? Should I buy a glass jar and dump it in there? or should I just bottle it now? I am really hoping this turns out just like REAL beer because my buddy wants me to brew for his wedding in the summer.
Peace. Love. and Ducklips!!

You should put on shoes and looser pants. I don't understand how you even get up on your old time bicycle, but it's cool.

 

[Zuljin]

You need to adjust all of your brewing water using spreadsheets, chemicals, and scales capable of weighing out cocaine.

So we're measuring everything in pounds. Cool. That makes things easier.

 

[MaddBaggins]

Okay, with lots of new brewers finding us this time of year, let's make sure we're giving them the best, most consistent answers to their questions. To refresh your memory on what is right, please adhere to the following:
Plastic buckets or carboys are the best fermentors. Glass will kill you, and stainless is for frat boys.
Dry yeast is for wussies. If you don't build your own cigar box /computer fan stirplate, and make starters from liquid yeast, you don't deserve to call yourself a homebrewer.
The only solution for getting an infected beer is to blame it on your equipment, throw it all out and buy new. Except for your glass carboy that you should not have.
Kegging is the only way to package your beer. Anyone who bottles is either poor or not bright enough, and is a complete waste of time.
All of those schmucks who build fancy fermentation control systems are wasting their money. If they were just decent brewers, they could ferment a bo-pils at 70 and win medals.
Brewing other people's recipes is to be avoided at all costs. If you can't just throw some malt and hops together and get a great beer out of out of it, give up the hobby now.
What ever works for a commercial brewer is what we should do to. After all, they're the pros, right?
Always, always rack your beer to a secondary, and do it in a week no matter what. So what if the yeast aren't done- we have to show them who's boss!
Anyone who mashes more that 20 minutes is an ignoramus. And a protein rest or decoction mash? Please, "science" proves they are a waste of time.
The debate between batch sparging and continuous sparging was settled long ago: full volume BIAB won.
Corona Mills are the best way to crush your grains, because they're the cheapest.
You need to adjust all of your brewing water using spreadsheets, chemicals, and scales capable of weighing out cocaine. Unless all your friends tell you you make great beer, in which case you don't even need to get rid of the chloramines.
You need to make your brew day as short as possible, because then you can do better things with the rest of your time, like post in Drunken Ramblings on Home Brew Talk.

Have I missed any of the important ones? Yeast washing? Soaking labels? Mash hopping?

Happy New Year to you all! Looking forward to another year of brewing up trouble here on HBT!

Don't forget cork soaking.


[ame]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xFN9Km9KFXU[/ame]

 

[drainbamage]

Yes, your beer is infected. Please bottle and send to me immediately for proper disposal.

Your airlock hasn't bubbled in 30 seconds. You probably ruined your beer. Again, please bottle and send me to for disposal.

Also, SA isn't craft beer and you should hate yourself if you like it. Neither is SN, but they don't suck so we'll let it slide. BMC is actually really good beer and we're all just hatin' because we as homebrewers envy their consistency.

 

[dkevinb]

Drinking vast quantities of beer is good for you, but brewing with an aluminum pot will give you Alzheimer's. You must always use Fermcap-S, then you must always filter it out of your beer.

 

[FatDragon]

The kit instructions are going to ruin your beer.

DIYing your own brewing equipment is easy. All you need is a couple cheap and easy to get parts you can get at Home Depot. And your Dremel, drill with multiple sizes of metal-hole-cutting bits, soldering iron, and arc welder, but you already had those lying around, didn't you?

1056 is infinitely preferable to US-05. But if you must use dry yeast, it is mandatory that you rehydrate before pitching; good beer has never been made with dry yeast sprinkled directly on wort.

SMaSH beers are the hallmark of a legitimate homebrewer. Beers made with small portions of multiple obscure base malts are award-winning and belong in the recipe section, because that 2 oz. of Victory per ten gallons is the real lynchpin of the beer. Anything in between isn't worth our time.

Oh, and one-gallon brewing is both cool and a stupid waste of time - great experimentation, but why not just make five gallons in the same amount of time? Otherwise, it's multiples of five gallons exclusively, plus an extra half gallon for trub loss. Also, metric is alright for ingredients if you're some poncey European, but beer is measured in gallons.

 

[Cheesy_Goodness]

Don't listen to the jagos that say you can make good extract beer. They clearly have a warped sense of reality and cannot be trusted. Be sure to berate anyone who has ever brewed an extract kit.
All grain = ultimate superiority.

 

[hunter_le five]

Literally everything you know about homebrewing beer has been debunked.

Secondary? You're not making wine, jerkoff, so don't bother.

Immersion chiller? why waste money on another piece of gear when you can just wait three or four days to pitch yeast? It's simple, really.

Step mashes? Waste of time. Numerous scientific studies of today's highly-modified malts all show that you're a moron, and your mother is a *****. I'm not going to go into the specifics of how the scientists arrived at that conclusion, suffice to say that you wouldn't understand anyway.

Gelatin? Only works in cold beer, because of chill haze proteins. Except that it turns to jello when cold, thus rendering it ineffective, so it actually only works in warm beer. I have second-hand anecdotal evidence to prove it. Clear as mud?

Hot Side Aeration? Puh-lease. What are you, a noob? Doesn't exist.

Oxidation? Unpossible. Yeast love oxygen.

Infections? Yeast are hardy and will quickly overwhelm any bacteria. There's only been one documented case of an infection in beer, ever, and the brewer in question was later determined to be a liar and a drunk. If your beer tastes off, it's because God hates you, on a personal level. Go ahead, spit in your wort. It won't do anything.

 

[Billy-Klubb]

autolysis has never happened. it was just something master brewers made up to scare their apprentices.

you can not brew any country specific style of beer unless you are actually in that specific country.

if you add anything like cocoa, orange peel, raspberries, etc. to your beer, you are unworthy to brew beer and must not like the taste of beer. "we like our beer to taste like beer".

you have to like BMC's. especially in the summer. if you don't like them, then you are a snob. making you lower than an extract brewer.

the moment any small brewery is gaining popularity, all their beers will become "too sweet" for you. in fact, you can jump on that bandwagon early and just start claiming all Gueze to be "cloyingly sweet".

Darwin knows what's going on. cling to his words like berries to the twig.

 

[FatDragon]

autolysis has never happened. it was just something master brewers made up to scare their apprentices.

Auto-Brewery Syndrome, on the other hand, is a homebrewer's idea of nirvana.

 

[Billy-Klubb]

Auto-Brewery Syndrome, on the other hand, is a homebrewer's idea of nirvana.

I know, right? that way you don't have to go through all the hassle of tasting beer!

 

[b-boy]

So we're measuring everything in pounds. Cool. That makes things easier.

You mean kilos, right?

 

[Tutsbrew]

When asking if your recipe (that you likely have been tweaking for weeks) will make a good beer it shows you are on the right track! I've noticed that the experienced brewers ignore water profiles, mash temps/pH, yeast pitch rates, fermentation temp control and of course sanitation as it's been shown that the grain bill is what makes or breaks a great beer. Why is it so complicated? Makes me wonder how a forum like this has so many threads/posts/members...

 

[ol-hazza]

You forgot that they must leave appliances plugged in when doing DIY wiring, and gravity samples must be taken twice daily from the get go.