A Guy Walks Into A Bar

[Bills Brew]

A mean looking scrawny guy walks into a bar and sits down next to two muscular construction guys. One of the construction guys says "I can squeeze all of the juice out a lemon with one hand". The bartender gives him a lemon and the guy squeezes until there is nothing left.

The scrawny little guy says "I bet you $100 I can still get some juice out". Construction guys say "Go for it!".

Scrawny guy takes it, gives one mean look, and gives it one squeeze. Out come two last drops.

Everybody is impressed and ask what he did for a living. He says "I work for the IRS."

 

[klyph]

Did he give the juice to a jobless single mother with 12 children?

 

[Madman]

Three blokes walk into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.

There once was an X from place B,
Who satisfied predicate P,
The X did thing A,
In an adjective way,
Resulting in circumstance C

 

[BeerObot9000]

A guy walks into a bar for a drink and sits in the corner, the bartender pays him no attention. After a little while, the same man walks to the bar and asks the bartender if he's willing to take a bet.

The bartender says "That depends, what kind of bet are we talking here?"

The man lines up 3 empty beer mugs on the counter and says "I bet you $200 I can pee in all 3 of these mugs from 10 feet away without spilling a drop."

The bartender looks at the man in amazement and says "Well yeah I'll take that bet, nobody can do that."

So the man whips it out and starts pissing all over the bar, the floor and even the bartender. Not one drop even made it into a mug.

The bartender starts laughing hysterically and says "Sorry buddy but you owe me $200. What made you think you could pull that off?"

The man says "Oh I knew I couldn't do it. But I just bet a guy in the corner $500 I could piss all over you and your bar and you would'nt be mad, you would actually laugh about it."


What do you call a psychic midget who breaks out of jail?

A small medium at large.

 

[blackwaterbrewer]

a young indian boy goes to his father, the chief, with a forlorn, worried expression. "father", he says, "why is my sister called 'dove in the meadow'?" his father proudly replies, "when your mother gave birth to her, i closed my eyes and thanked the gods and the first thing is saw when i looked up was a single dove fluttering effortlessly in the field. so i named her 'dove in the meadow'". the boy looked at the ground uneasily. "father, why is my best friend called 'running bear'?" his father sighed and said "after his mother gave bith to him, his father closed his eyes to thank the gods and when he looked up, the first thing he saw was a young, mighty bear running through the woods". the boy, confused and upset, sat on a stump and buried his head in his hands. his father tilted his head to the side and said "Why do you ask me these things, Two Dogs ****ing?"

 

[mjdonnelly68]

Two drunks come out of a bar and see a dog licking his balls. One drunk says to the other, "I wish I could do that." The other drunk says, "I think I would pet him first.".

Similar:

Two irishman leave the pub after a long session and come across a sheep, stuck in a fence, arse out. The first irishman sighs and says "Man, I wish that was a woman" to which the second irishman replies "Hell, I just wish it was dark".

 

[Slyko]

A traveling ventriloquist comes across a farmhouse and thinks he'll have some fun.

Tells the farmer that he talks to animals. The farmer says, "My animals don't talk"

Well the ventriloquist says, "Let me talk to your cows." He does and the cows answer back.

The farmer is amazed. "Them cows never talked before!"

Next he talks to the horses & the horses answer back.

The farmer is flabbergasted, "Damn them horses don't ever talk!"

Next, the ventriloquist walks over to the sheep pen............... and the farmer intercepts him, "You know those sheep, they lie!"

 

[OfficerMitchel]

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,
and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to
wrong part of face.
ACTION REQUIRED: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror.
Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.

How long have you had that drinking problem Mr. Stiker?

 

[OfficerMitchel]

A tenderfoot walks into a North Alaska bar and asks what's to do for fun in the Far North. A couple of locals tell him "There's lots to do if you're a member of the Klondike Club."

The tenderfoot perks up and says, "Sounds great. How do I join?"

One of the locals replies, "You have to pass the initiation. First, you have to down a bottle of Yukon Jack in one gulp. Then, you have to kill a Grizzly bear with just a Bowie knife. And third, you have to rape and Eskimo squaw. Then you're in."

The tenderfoot thinks it over for a couple of seconds, and agrees. The local hands him a knife and a bottle, which the tenderfoot proceeds to down in one slug, and stumble out of the bar, holding the knife in his left hand.

The bartender reprimands the local for sending a tenderfoot out in the snow drunk, and with a knife. "If he don't hurt someone with that knife, the cold will kill him for sure."

The local replies, "Don't worry. With a quart of Jack in him, he won't get further than the street before he passes out, and someone will pick him up and carry him back to the motel."

A short time later, the front door opens and in walks the tenderfoot. He is bleeding profusely, and his clothes are shredded. He stumbles up to the bar and with slurred speech asks, "OK, where's that squaw I gotta kill?"

 

[barneygumble]

A traveling ventriloquist comes across a farmhouse and thinks he'll have some fun.

Tells the farmer that he talks to animals. The farmer says, "My animals don't talk"

Well the ventriloquist says, "Let me talk to your cows." He does and the cows answer back.

The farmer is amazed. "Them cows never talked before!"

Next he talks to the horses & the horses answer back.

The farmer is flabbergasted, "Damn them horses don't ever talk!"

Next, the ventriloquist walks over to the sheep pen............... and the farmer intercepts him, "You know those sheep, they lie!"

A tenderfoot walks into a North Alaska bar and asks what's to do for fun in the Far North. A couple of locals tell him "There's lots to do if you're a member of the Klondike Club."

The tenderfoot perks up and says, "Sounds great. How do I join?"

One of the locals replies, "You have to pass the initiation. First, you have to down a bottle of Yukon Jack in one gulp. Then, you have to kill a Grizzly bear with just a Bowie knife. And third, you have to rape and Eskimo squaw. Then you're in."

The tenderfoot thinks it over for a couple of seconds, and agrees. The local hands him a knife and a bottle, which the tenderfoot proceeds to down in one slug, and stumble out of the bar, holding the knife in his left hand.

The bartender reprimands the local for sending a tenderfoot out in the snow drunk, and with a knife. "If he don't hurt someone with that knife, the cold will kill him for sure."

The local replies, "Don't worry. With a quart of Jack in him, he won't get further than the street before he passes out, and someone will pick him up and carry him back to the motel."

A short time later, the front door opens and in walks the tenderfoot. He is bleeding profusely, and his clothes are shredded. He stumbles up to the bar and with slurred speech asks, "OK, where's that squaw I gotta kill?"

LMAO!!!

These two are going to be repeated!

 

[Dan]

Pessimist and a dog

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it. The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."

 

[MSweat]

 

[Slyko]

How do you know when you're at a Gay Picnic?

All the hot dogs taste like sh*t.

 

[Goofynewfie]

why don't indians like snow?

cause its white and on their land

 

[Jroy]

Whats the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the tub?
One has hope in her soul, the other has soap in her........

Whats the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?
One snatches watches, the other watches.........

 

[HawksBrewer]

Another pirate joke...

A pirate captain approaches a Spanish ship and yells to his first mate "Arrr, fetch me me red pants." The first mate does just this and the captain wears them throughout the battle.

Victorious, they sail on. The first mate yells "Ahoy Captain, two more Spanish war vessels"

Again, the captain yells "Arrr, fetch me me red pants."

Confused, the first mate asks "why do you wear your red pants?"

The Captain replies "arrr, if I bleed in battle I don't want me men to lose faith."

First mate fetches red pants, they win the battle and sail on.

The next day the first mate approaches the Captain "Sir, the entire Spanish armada is upon us from all sides"

"Arrrr, fetch me me brown pants."

 

[Dmatson89]

Somewhere in mississippi ... A boy says to his dad "pa I think its about time i learn about the birds and the bees" the little boys father replies "son I would love to tell you about the birds and the bees but I think learning first hand is the best" so the father told the boy to go down to the whore house and ask the madam to teach him about the birds and the bees, but being very poor the little boy had no money and had to take a pet duck with him in hopes that it would suffice as payment.

When he got to the house the boy explained his situation to the madam, she agreed, took him upstairs and taught him about the birds and the bees. While the boy was putting his pants back on the madam said to him "Son that was the best i ever had, if you do that to me again I'll give you your duck back" Shocked the boy agreed and after another round was on his way home with duck still in hand.

On the way home the duck jumped out of his arms right into traffic and got hit by a truck. The truck driver stopped and feeling really bad that he just ran over the boys duck said "son I can't get your duck back for you but I can give you $20 so you can buy another one"

So the boy takes the money and goes back home. When he gets there he finds his dad, and his dad asks him how he did. The boy says, "Well dad, I got a **** for a duck, a duck for a **** and 20 bucks for a ****ed up duck!"