A Guy Walks Into A Bar

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OdinsBrew

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Got jokes?


The Drunkard's Wish

A drunk is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees an old lamp. He picks it up and rubs it. Out pops a genie. The genie says, "I will give you three wishes." The man thinks awhile. Finally he points his swaying finger and slurs, "I want a beer that is never empty." The genie waves his hand and poof, on the bar is a bottle of beer. The drunk uses his one open eye to double check that yes, it's a bottle of beer. He starts chugging it and and can't even make a dent. It's still full. The genie asks "What would you like for your next two wishes?" The guy says, "s-h-i-t man! I want two more of these!"



+ + +



The coma

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. One day, he motioned for her to come near. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.... You know what?"

"What dear?" she asked gently.

"I think you're bad luck. Get the f-u-c-k away from me."





+ + +


A Drunken Thank you note

Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee. The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that. The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband. He's f'in furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!" "That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck in her butt that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"
 

ChshreCat

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A man's wife slips into a coma. Months go by and nothing the doctors do can bring her out of it. So, one of the doctors pulls the man aside and says "Listen... feel free to say no, but I don't know if we have any other things to try. Nothing we've done has worked, so here goes. There are studies that have shown that the stimulation involved in oral sex can sometimes bring someone out of a coma. Would you like to try that?"

The man thinks on it for a bit and says "Well, I think it's worth a shot, but my wife was always a private person and she wouldn't want anyone else seeing us in an act like that. I think it would be ok, so long as I was the only one in the room.

The doctors agree and set up the medical monitors in the next room and let the man have time along with his wife. Almost immediately, they see her vital signs changing. They continue to watch, encouraged by the fluctuations on the monitors. Suddenly... everything flatlines.

The doctors rush in and start performing CPR. One of the doctors asks the man what happened and he says "Well, I'm no doctor, but I'd guess she choked!"
 
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OdinsBrew

OdinsBrew

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There's a bear and a rabbit in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Do you have a problem with s-h-i-t sticking to your fur?" And the rabbit goes, "No." So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.




+ + +



The Face Lift


This woman goes in for a face-lift, and the doctor says, "We've got this new method: I put a knob in the back of your head, and every time you feel like you need a lift, just turn it and it tightens up your skin." She gets the knob implanted and is beautiful for five years. But one day she notices a problem and returns to the doctor. "I've got these huge bags under my eyes," she complains. The surgeon replies, "Those aren't bags; those are your breasts." "Ah," she sighs, "that explains the goatee."
 

EvilTOJ

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I love this one;



And in case you don't get it, scroll down for the referencing joke.











There is this guy who walks into a bar and notices a man 12 inches tall playing the piano. He asks what it is all about and the barman tells him he'll tell him later.

So he asks the barman for a drink and the barman says,
'Before you get your drink you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make a wish.'

'OK,' says the guy.

He goes to the bottle and rubs it and, boom, out comes a genie, who says,
'You have one wish.'

The man thinks about it and then wishes for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke fills the room and when the smoke clears there are a million ducks crowding the bar.

He tells the barman,
'Hey, I didn't want a million ducks.'

The barman replies, 'You think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?'
 

gratus fermentatio

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An Englishman, an Irishman & a Scotsman walk into a pub. The Englishman orders a Fuller's porter, the Irishman orders a Guinness & the Scotsman orders a McEwan's scotch ale. The bartender brings the 3 pints & the Englishman says "I can't drink this, there's a fly in my porter." The bartender goes to draw a fresh pint. The Irishman looks at his pint and sees a fly floating in it. He picks the fly out with his fingers, drops it on the floor & proceeds to have long pull off his pint. The Scotsman looks at his pint, sees a fly & quickly grabs it by the wings, pulls it out of the beer, holds it over the glass & starts tapping it on the back shouting "Spit it out! spit it out!"
:D
 

StoutFan

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A pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks down and says "You know that you have a steering wheel in your pants"
The pirate replies "Ay, it's drivin' me nuts"

At about 3AM, I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, I cuckooed nine more times, hoping my wife would think it was midnight. I was very proud of myself. The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I replied, "Midnight, just like I said." She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she answered, "Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said '****!,' cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling."
 
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OdinsBrew

OdinsBrew

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Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
They taste funny.



+ + +


A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."



+ + + +



The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him. He's afraid to cough."
 

Bills Brew

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Two drunks come out of a bar and see a dog licking his balls. One drunk says to the other, "I wish I could do that." The other drunk says, "I think I would pet him first.".
 

Bernie Brewer

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How can you tell who loves you more, your wife or your dog?


Lock them both in your trunk for an hour and see what happens when you let them out.
 
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OdinsBrew

OdinsBrew

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A guy goes to the supermarket, and a beautiful woman smiles at him and says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place how he knows her. So he asks, "Do you know me?" The woman says, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." His mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife, and he says, "My God! Are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery!?" She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."
 

mrkristofo

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Two muffins are sitting in the oven. The first muffin turns to the other one and says "Man, it's hot in here." The second replies "HOLY SH*T A TALKING MUFFIN!"

----

James Bond walks up to a bar next to a busty blonde woman and orders a martini. Making small talk, the woman says "My that's quite a nice watch. Rolex?"
"No, standard issue MI6...telepathic watch." The woman asks "Oh really? Well what does it say about me?" "Well...it says you're not wearing any panties." Shocked and offended, the woman tells him "That's absolutely untrue. How dare you!" Bond taps his watch, "Damn thing's an hour fast..."
 
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OdinsBrew

OdinsBrew

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A shy guy goes into a bar. A beautiful woman, sits two bar stools down from him. he's really nervous but decides to flirt. He turns his head but before he can even say anything she yells "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Completely embarrassed, he moves to a booth by himself. After a few minutes, the woman walks over and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a psych student studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." He thinks for a minute. Then he yells at the top of his lungs "What do you mean, $500?"
 

Absolut_Ninja

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An Englishman, an Irishman & a Scotsman walk into a pub. The Englishman orders a Fuller's porter, the Irishman orders a Guinness & the Scotsman orders a McEwan's scotch ale. The bartender brings the 3 pints & the Englishman says "I can't drink this, there's a fly in my porter." The bartender goes to draw a fresh pint. The Irishman looks at his pint and sees a fly floating in it. He picks the fly out with his fingers, drops it on the floor & proceeds to have long pull off his pint. The Scotsman looks at his pint, sees a fly & quickly grabs it by the wings, pulls it out of the beer, holds it over the glass & starts tapping it on the back shouting "Spit it out! spit it out!"
:D
I heard the version; The Irishman grabs it by the wings, holds him up and says "give it back, you wee bastard!" My grandpa woulda raised some fists over the previous version!


Three mice are sitting at the bar bragging about how tough they are. The first says "You know those traps everybody's freaking out about? I saw one the other day and when I went to grab the cheese, this big metal bar came crashing down at me. I grabbed it with one hand, snapped it off the hinges, and brought enough food home to my family to feed them for a week!" The other mice agreed that was pretty tough. The second mouse said "Well, I saw this bottle with three X's on it, snatched it up, and downed the whole bottle. Still made it to work that day!" The other mice agreed that was pretty tough. The last mouse gets up from the barstool, slams his beer down, and says "Well, suppose I should get home and f-u-c-k the ole cat!"
 

MikeFlynn74

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What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey?

Most of the time you get an onion with floppy ears. But every once in a while you luck out and get a piece of ass that makes you cry.
 

david_42

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An old guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a head-banger with multi-colored spikes in his hair. The old guy drinks a few beers and keeps staring at the kid. Finally the kid gets angry and demands to know why the old farker is staring at him. The old man says, "When I was in the Navy and stationed in Subic Bay, I got really drunk one night and had sex with a parrot. I thought we might be related."
 

EoinMag

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Did you hear about the dyslexic guy?

He walked into a bra.

---------------------------

A Pastrami on rye walks into a bar and orders a pint of stout, the barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve sandwiches".
 
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What's the difference between an epileptic corn picker and a hooker with diarrhea?

One shakes while she shucks, the other ****s while she ****s!

sometimes the joke part is funnier than the punchline, no?
 

ChshreCat

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What's the difference between a sneak thief and a vinegar ******?

One of them is a purse snatcher.
 

DeathBrewer

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Dirty Ernie walks into a whorehouse. He brings his jar of change and throws it up on the bar. "What can I get for all of this?" he asks.

The bartender gives him a look and asks, "Have you ever had sex before."

"Nope, this is my first time, that's why I'm here."

"I tell you what, we got some trees in the back...I want you to go practice on the holes back there and once you feel comfortable to go with a woman, you can come back in."

So Dirty Ernie spends some time in the back practicing on the trees. He comes in and the bartender sends him upstairs to Door # 3. As he walks through the door, the lovely whore blows him a kiss, spreads wide and invites him over to the bed.

Dirty Ernie grabs her legs and pulls a stick out of his pants, attempting to poke it inside her as she jumps up screaming, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!????"

"What?" Ernie replied. "I'm checking for squirrels."
 

DeathBrewer

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So, a man walks into a whorehouse, goes up to the bar and says, "Give me a beer and the most beautiful blonde you have!"

The bartender pours a full glass and directs him to wait at the table while he calls the blonde down.

The man sits down, enjoying his beer and the bowl of strawberries at the table. He sees this beautiful blonde, coming down the stairs. He gives her a big smile as she walks up to the table. Suddenly, she screams and runs away.

Confused and still horny, the man goes back up to the bar. "What was wrong with that girl? She ran off!"

The bartender replies, "The blondes are always kind of loopy, sorry about that...here's another beer.

"Fine." The man said. "Get me a brunette this time." So he grabs his beer and sits back down, enjoying the strawberries and waiting for his brunette.

The brunette comes up behind him while his mouth is full of strawberries. "What's up big boy." As he turns around, she slaps him, screaming, and runs away.

"Jesus, man. The brunettes are crazy, too! Get me a damn redhead!" The redhead comes down and runs away too.

"What are you doing at that table?" The bartender asks.

"Nothing just drinking my beer and eating these strawberries."

Horrified, the bartender whispers, "Those aren't strawberries. Those are this month's abortions."
 

beerthirty

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This guy is sitting in a penthouse bar when another man comes in and says to the bartender "Hi George, give me a double of tequila." The bartender nods and slides the drink to him. The man downs it in a single drink and then walks over to the window and opens it. He takes a step out and just floats in midair. After a few seconds he comes back in and orders a beer. While drinking his beer the first man says to him "Wow, that was amazing. How did you do that?" The second man says "Dunno, every time I order a double of good tequila I get the urge to step out the window knowing I won't fall." The first guy thinking it must be the drink, orders up the same drink. After slamming it, he walks to the window and steps out. He falls 35 stories to his death. The bartender says to the second man "Superman, your an *******."
 

Willy Boner

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:mug:A really muscled guy walks into a bar, but he has a head about the size of an orange. After a few drinks, the bartender asks him, "How did a great big fellow like you get stuck with such a little head?"
The big guy said he was walking down the beach one day when he spotted a bottle, He rubbed it when out popped a gorgeous genie that said she would grant any wish he wanted. He said he only wanted to have sex with her. She told him that was one wish she could not grant. So he said " How about a little head?":mug:
 
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To follow up Death's awful joke:

Two politicians are discussing hot topics. One asks, "Where do you stand on abortions?" The second answers, "Nowhere, really. They're slippery."
 

jpsloan

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The difference between a rooster and a lawyer?

One gets up in the morning and clucks defiance.
 
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SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,
beer is unusually pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION REQUIRED: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,
and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to
wrong part of face.
ACTION REQUIRED: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror.
Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION REQUIRED: Turn glass other way up so that open end points
toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION REQUIRED: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while
complain to the owner about its lack of house
training and demand a beer as compensation.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking trough bottom of empty glass.
ACTION REQUIRED: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.
FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to
air-hockey game in progress.
ACTION REQUIRED: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION REQUIRED: Find out if you are taken to another bar.
If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and
flourscent light strip across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION REQUIRED: If your glass is full and no one is standing on
your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone
to help you get up, lash yourself to bar.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION REQUIRED: See above.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
FAULT: The Bar is closing.
ACTION REQUIRED: Panic.

SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet.
You cannot see your bedroom.
FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter.
ACTION REQUIRED: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet.
If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.
 

tedpeer

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Ole, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, takes a lightning-quick kick from a cow right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said 'How bad is it Doc? . . . I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my finance, Lena, is still a virgin - in every vay'.

The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.' He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together . . quite an impressive work of art.

Ole mentions none of this to Lena, marries her, and they go on their honeymoon to Duluth . That night in the motel room, Lena rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said, 'You're the first vun. No vun has EVER seen deez.'

Ole immediately drops his pants and replies, 'Look at dis, ....still in da CRATE!
 

Bullbythehorns

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My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were
in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....
 

Bullbythehorns

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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....
 
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OdinsBrew

OdinsBrew

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A guy wearing pants made out of cellophane wrap walks into a psychiatrist's office. The psychiatrist looks up from his desk and says "I can clearly see yer nuts."





+ + +



CIA Interview
The CIA is interviewing three potential agents -- two men and a woman. For the final test, they bring one of the male candidates to a door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions, no matter what," says the interviewer. "Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."

"You can't be serious," the man says. "I could never shoot my wife."

"Then you're not the right man for the job," says the interviewer.

The second man is given the same instructions. He grabs the gun and goes into the room. Five minutes later, he emerges with his wife, arm in arm and they're cyring and smiling and walk out the door. "I quit" says the candidate.

Finally, the woman is given the test, but with her husband in the locked room. She takes the gun and enters the room. Shots are heard, then screaming, crashing, and banging. She comes out and wipes the sweat from her brow. Looks at her boss and says "You didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks!" she says. "I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
 

SchizoFilly

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A reporter goes to a reservation to learn more about the Native American culture. As she looks around she begins to notice there are some men walking about with feathers in their hair, and being the investigative journalist she is, decides to find some meaning in this phenomena.

Reporter: Why do you have one feather in your hair?
Indian: Me one feather, me one squaw.
Reporter: Ok, but what about that man over there with three feathers?
Indian: Me not know, go ask him.

So she goes to the second guy.

Reporter: Why do you have three feathers in your hair?
Indian: Me three feathers, me three squaw.
Reporter: Ok, but what about that guy over there? He's got feathers all over his head.
Indian: Me not know, go ask him.

Of course, she does.

Reporter: Why do you have so many feathers?
Indian: Big, small, me F*(k em all.
Reporter: How hostile.
Indian: Hos-style, doggie-style, any-style.
Reporter: Oh, dear.
Indian: No deer, butt too high, run too fast.
 

SchizoFilly

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A mushroom walks into a bar. Bartender says "we don't serve your kind in here". The mushroom says "why not, I'm a fun-gi"
 
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OdinsBrew

OdinsBrew

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My internal medicine doctor got me a referral to a urologist.
I went yesterday.* OMG, She's beautiful and unbelievably sexy!
She told me that I have to stop masturbating.*
I asked her why.* She said, "Because I am trying to examine you...!"
 
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