Pappers_ said:
Germelli, if you are too lazy to grow and malt your own barley, please keep your beer to yourself
I only drink beer made with homegrown barley and hops, self-malted grains, and water that is not just built up with brewing salts, but that the brewer carved out of a glacier in the far north, and transported via a dog sled not only built by said brewer, but he/she must have also bred the sled dogs from wolves that they originally trapped themselves.
The grain must be crushed by hand - literally. They must be picked up one at a time and the husk manually cracked in half (if it breaks any more than that, it must be thrown out... astringency is unacceptable)
Of course, a minimum of a quadruple decoction is a must - if even a single step is skipped or done by infusion, the beer will obviously taste like crap. Fly-sparging is a given, and naturally, it cannot be done too quickly - 1quart/hour is ideal for a 5gal batch.
It goes without saying that the wort must be boiled over a fire started with nothing more than wood and friction, in a kettle that you forged yourself out of metal that you personally mined and smelted. The only acceptable boil timer is the position of the sun.
Yeast must be pitched EXACTLY at the proper rate, as determined by a cell count. And I don't mean the lazy method typically used as described by Chris White, as that just gives you a ballpark figure, even if it comes pretty close - EVERY SINGLE CELL must be counted. The strain must be personally caught from the wild, and be selectively bred for the absolutely ideal characteristics for the style being brewed, and cultured/propagated from a single, properly-maintained cell every time you brew.
Temperature must be precisely maintained using nothing but an air-conditioner and your own body heat.
And if all you've done is secondary the beer, forget about it. Conditioning the beer in a tertiary and quaternary fermentor (at a minimum) is critical. And lastly, the beer must be bottle-conditioned, with each HAND-BLOWN bottle individually primed using a mixture of sugar you derived from beets and sugar cane that you grew, maple syrup you produced from sap you collected from trees grown from seeds you planted, and honey you harvest from your own apiary.
I mean, it's cool if you don't want to put in just a tiny bit more effort into making beer that at least has a chance of being decent... to each their own. But don't you dare try and pawn that crap off on me.