Uncle Timmy
Well-Known Member
(403): found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Surprise!...
(403): found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
(972): I'm scared
(337): There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
(972): That's what I'm afraid of
(312): Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
(801): My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
(312): I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
(226): forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
(813): I'm ****ing your sister right now.
(1-813): You mother****er
(813): She's next.
(540): Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
(937): I'll bet she *****es with gravy.
(732): I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
(918): She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
(904): the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
1.3.5.7.9...(215): May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
(702): i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
(850): Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
(425): my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
(616): Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
That just sounds gross(818): Is it bad to mix sunny d with vodka if i dont have any real OJ?
(770): I've mixd ketchup with vodka before and called it a bloody mary, so, no.
(770): Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
(404): Are you drunk?
(770): A little...yes
(404): Run!
(770): Terrible brother advice.
(678): why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
(770): I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
(310): Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
(770): b/c u have herpes
(310): No i said "always", not "since 2003" *******.
(770): Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
(404): Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
(770): ****. Wron person. But yea
.(847): I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
.(678): What are you drinking?
(404): ****ty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
(512): he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
(512): He told me I remind him of his sister...
(917): Was this before or after you did it?
(512): before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
(+33): I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
(815): yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
(269): We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
.(209): is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
(1-209): yes...dear jesus what did you do?
(209): bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
(702): Its only 8 and she is already passed out
(1-702): Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
(619): he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
ah San Diego. . .
not a text from last night but one i just recieved today
Fathers day is for thanking your dad for having sex with your mom.
Mothers day is to tahnk your mom for not swallowing you.
horrible images in everyones head!!!!!
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