texts from last night

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golden,, this one is from my neck of the woods

(405): Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
(918): You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a ****ing bush.
(405): I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
 
(818): Jake died.
(310): WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
(818): Oops typo. Jake cried.


(913): So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized


(412): I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches


(630): The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.

(401): The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance

(810): Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
(616): What?!?
(810): What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police


damn this **** is funny
 
(734): i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
(1-734): what was she crying about?
(734): i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
 
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
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yeah, what a silly question

(972): I'm scared
(337): There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
(972): That's what I'm afraid of
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OUCH!

(312): Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
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......must go to Roscoes.......

(801): My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
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Honestly, who hasn't tried that one.
 
(757): he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.

(325): wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
 
(540): Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
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This is similar to one of my top rules - Never burp in a snowmobile helmet after eating a bleu cheese burger and onion rings.
 
Some good ones today....

(530): You screamed, "I am going to **** this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.


(858): that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...


(804): Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men


(484): I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem



And my new all time favorite...

(513): what's Bukake?
(1-513): a bad idea.
 
(909): I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
:eek:

(330): I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
:eek::eek:

(908): her ****** looked like a handful of raisins.
:eek::eek::eek:
 
(208): I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
 
(336): Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll

I lol'd
 
740): Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
(631): U should. Its a good ice breaker


(306): and on the seventh day, God created megan fox

(562): omg, he ripped it...he ripped my ******...best. night. ever.
 
(305): Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
(615): She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister


(516): what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my ******


And one from my home state!

(406): Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
 
Here is one from my home state for ya.

(256): You took my girl thats shot the **** out. You better watch your skinny ass.
(1-256): That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
(256): Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
(1-256): Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
 
Should NOT have looked at that site today. There goes my productivity.

(702): i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
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(850): Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
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(425): my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
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(616): Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
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(818): Is it bad to mix sunny d with vodka if i dont have any real OJ?
(770): I've mixd ketchup with vodka before and called it a bloody mary, so, no.
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That just sounds gross

(770): Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
(404): Are you drunk?
(770): A little...yes
(404): Run!
(770): Terrible brother advice.
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(678): why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
(770): I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
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(310): Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
(770): b/c u have herpes
(310): No i said "always", not "since 2003" *******.
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(770): Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
(404): Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
(770): ****. Wron person. But yea
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(250): do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
(1-250): tequila


(720): How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.

(315): I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
(203): For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
 
OMG the locals are hysterical. I bet 90% of them are UT students... I nearly spit out my beer.

(512): he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
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(512): He told me I remind him of his sister...
(917): Was this before or after you did it?
(512): before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
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Here are two good ones that I found today:

(815): yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
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(269): We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
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(209): is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
(1-209): yes...dear jesus what did you do?
(209): bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
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.
surely no good can come of this
(702): Its only 8 and she is already passed out
(1-702): Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
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(678): What are you drinking?
(404): ****ty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL


(314): Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
(314): Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..


eeeewwwwww



(619): he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
 
(518): Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
 
Ceedubya said:
(619): he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
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ah San Diego. . .
 
not a text from last night but one i just recieved today

Fathers day is for thanking your dad for having sex with your mom.
Mothers day is to tahnk your mom for not swallowing you.

horrible images in everyones head!!!!!
 
GregR said:
ah San Diego. . .
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More....

(716): why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
(860): its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
(716): i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal


sean102385 said:
not a text from last night but one i just recieved today

Fathers day is for thanking your dad for having sex with your mom.
Mothers day is to tahnk your mom for not swallowing you.

horrible images in everyones head!!!!!
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I just sent that to 10 people, that is funny.
 
there is ALWAYS an alterior motive...

(650): so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
(415): What...you let him do that?
(650): It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow



where were these girls when I was single????

(978): Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
(617): dude are you serious?
(978): I know you already have a pic on your phone
 
SSBrew 300

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