Swmbo ruins everything!

[rycov]

so i work a job i hate and my wife goes to school to pursue her dreams. so i have to leave work and pick up the kids and watch them all day while she sits in the bed room and studys. i very rarely get to relax. all week i dont complain too much. today she got out of school early enough to pick up the kids, so when i got out i went to the only place in town that has a good selection of beer. i sit down and order a beer. half way threw my beer she calls and i have to bring her a car seat. then i tell her that since my first beer got interrupted that i was going back for another. "no" she says. "i would rather you didnt." (read your bigger than me, so i can't physically keep you from going, but i will make your life hell if you do). i really really need to have a break from ****ty mind numbing work and screaming messy crying children. is one uninterrupted beer too much to ask? i guess im just saying, whats a ***** want from a brotha?



this is the drunken ramblings section right?

 

[kegtoe]

i think this is the right spot for your complaint. My wife and i support each others goals. we are expecting twins in june and she lets me still brew and plan brew days and i let her do what she wants. we just have to adjust how often we do what we WANT and what we HAVE to do. It sounds like your ol' lady inst bery understanding.

 

[rycov]

her house was much different than mine growing up. no one looked out for her that much, so i guess she didn't learn the concept of "fair" or at very least her concept is skewed. so its hard for me to expect her to see things from my point of view. she doesnt see what she's doing as wrong, or mean, or unfair. she just can't put her self in my shoes. that being said, it is frustrating as hell that i have to do so much and my beer got RUINED! just had to get it off my chest

 

[VegasBrew]

I feel your pain brother.....

VB

 

[scotched]

If she grew up lacking parental figures, literally or figuratively, it definitely shapes a person.

I sort of fall into that category, and I notice that I tend to expect too much out of people, while having very little to give. It translates into being selfish at the very root, but out of a need to protect one's self.

Does she have a hot/cold personality?

You def deserve some time to yourself, the beer is just icing on the yeastcake.

 

[EoinMag]

I presume you've said what you say in the first post to her? Told her you need a break too? Asked her if it's all about her or all about the two of you? If she can't see this.........there is trouble ahead. If you get to that point and you've not made yourself clear that might be a sorely missed oppurtunity. just saying like....don't sound off here and not have spoken calmly and rationally to her about it.

 

[Homercidal]

She may claim to be under pressure and that studying is not really "relaxing" or taking a break. Make sure she knows that you understand that, but that doesn't affect the fact that YOU needs a break sometime.

It's tough when you are trying to go to school and make ends meet. It might be nice if you had someone who could watch the kids for an hour or two once a week or so. Just to give you guys a bit of time to relax and do something different.

 

[FromZwolle]

I presume you've said what you say in the first post to her? ....don't sound off here and not have spoken calmly and rationally to her about it.

I'll go with the opposite view here. go ahead and vent out all the frustration here, then go talk to her about it with a cool, clear mind.

Everybody needs a little downtime. a few moments of peace when you can put aside all the pressures and stresses that everyday life hurls at you. Let her know that sipping a beer someplace other than home is just your way of getting that moment of peace.

 

[Mischief_Brewing]

Ahh, relationship counseling from a bunch of beer brewers. What can possibly go wrong?

Seriously though, I've seen some pretty good advice given out on this forum.

OP, the wife and I have a pretty sweet little arrangement we call R&R (rest and relaxation), well, the wife has taken to calling it her sabbatical. We are each allotted 1 week a year for a personal vacation from the family life. My wife spent hers last week in New Orleans partying with friends while I took off work to take care of the kids and some home projects. I usually use mine to fly back to CA to see family and do some surfing, which I never get to do out here because the family obligations. We've been doing it for nearly all 8 years of marriage and it really does help you readjust your frame of mind for the rest of the year. Worth a shot?

 

[theonetrueruss]

next time just turn your phone off when you want to relax... really should agree to it before hand but really.. If you cant get 1 lousy hour off now and then there is a major problem that needs addressing. I'm sure she gets some breaks.. you should too. Me and my wife give each other afternoons off most weekends (I usually take say afternoon and she takes Sun but we switch sometimes.. and sometimes go out with the kids instead) A couple hours a week to yourself is not too much to expect.

 

[BendBrewer]

http://www.cebuclassifieds.com/detail.php?id=416971

 

[jmendez29]

Just a thought...

It may have been something in the tone of the conversation that she heard and thought that you going back to the bar would be a bad thing.

But you definitely deserve at least an hour or two to yourself every week. Everyone does, including her. I like the recommendation that you talk to her with a calm mind the best. I'd go with that one.

 

[gunner65]

Nevermind.

 

[cfonnes]

Quit whining!!!

Next time you are at the bar look at the poor lonely bastard sitting next to you. He is wishing that he had a wife and kids.

 

[gunner65]

Ahh, relationship counseling from a bunch of beer brewers. What can possibly go wrong?

Seriously though, I've seen some pretty good advice given out on this forum.

OP, the wife and I have a pretty sweet little arrangement we call R&R (rest and relaxation), well, the wife has taken to calling it her sabbatical. We are each allotted 1 week a year for a personal vacation from the family life. My wife spent hers last week in New Orleans partying with friends while I took off work to take care of the kids and some home projects. I usually use mine to fly back to CA to see family and do some surfing, which I never get to do out here because the family obligations. We've been doing it for nearly all 8 years of marriage and it really does help you readjust your frame of mind for the rest of the year. Worth a shot?

Yep that works for us I usually take a three day camping trip to the local sportmans club with buddies. Guns all day, smoker bellowing out barb-q, and liquor till we cannot walk. Then I return to reality Sunday evening with a clean slate. We do that spring and fall.

 

[gunner65]

Quit whining!!!

Next time you are at the bar look at the poor lonely bastard sitting next. He is wishing that he had a wife and kids.

Or he drank his away!

 

[IrregularPulse]

Quit whining!!!

Next time you are at the bar look at the poor lonely bastard sitting next to you. He is wishing that he had a wife and kids.

Just cause somebody else has it worse off does not mean you can't expect good things in your life. It'd be like me telling every parent on here to shut up no matter what their kid does, because at least they have them. Just because some people lose children, doesn't mean the healthy kids out there get to act however they want through the shear blessing of being there.

To the OP - Have you talked to your wife about all this? She likely feels the same way. She may be in your room studying all day, but that's hardly any more relaxing than you being a work all day. Does she get the same amount of down time that you are not getting? You need to talk to her about this and work out a solution that get's you both the independent down time that you need.

 

[rycov]

thanks everyone for the replies. sorry i got off line so early last night. for the records. we have talked. once before and a little since i posted here. (second time was more civil). the difference is that i quit the job i loved to work a job i hate, making more money so she can go to school without working. i've always had to work when in school. but this is her passion, so i enable her to do it. if i was going to school to pursue my dreams then i would consider that a break from my responsibilities. also she gets breaks periodicly during the day. cfonnes: you don't have kids do you? any way. mostly i was just ranting. but thanks everyone for confirming that this is not just me being selfish. i love my wife, and my kids. but after working all day at a mind numbing job (quality control for ashphalt paving. i'm in a lab by my self all day. no contact witht the real world) sometimes i need to sit and not be bothered. but thanks HBT for once again being there when i need you. you guys are the best. so glad i found this site:rockin:

 

[rexbanner]

Tell her to shut up!

 

[rycov]

thanks rex. thats a good idea. im sure that would pan out in my favor.

 

[rycov]

http://www.cebuclassifieds.com/detail.php?id=416971

also: what? why did you try to sell me pants?

 

[passedpawn]

also: what? why did you try to sell me pants?

I think it's a "who wears the pants" thing. I think.

 

[rycov]

oh. that went over my head. she recently told me i had to stop wearing pants.( says she likes nickers better, not really sure why)

 

[bruin_ale]

first mistake was answering the phone.. I don't know what it is, but when I'm at the bar my phone reception is terrible

Sounds like at least you're talking about it, if you just bottled it up (or only told us at HBT) that would be a recipe for a blowup later. Not sure how old your kids are, but don't they go to sleep before you? I put my daughter to bed and then I've got a couple hours of downtime for uninterrupted beer drinking.

 

[IrregularPulse]

I put my daughter to bed and then I've got a couple hours of downtime for uninterrupted beer drinking.

This is when I get my free time as well. Also we each do something separate every few months with our friends. Me with the guys her with her girls. I like the occasional day to myself with no kid or wife, she doesn't seem to be as into it making it slightly more difficult to get my days. Brewing is an all day to myself event though.

 

[rycov]

my older one is five. she only goes to sleep a little before i do. but even then, i think its just something about contact with the outside world that gets me.

 

[FromZwolle]

Tell her to shut up!

hey, hey! she only gets that kind of treatment when she's too slow bringin him a sammich!

 

[Randar]

my older one is five. she only goes to sleep a little before i do. but even then, i think its just something about contact with the outside world that gets me.

This is very important and you need to have normal adult time at some point...

 

[scotched]

I'll go with the opposite view here. go ahead and vent out all the frustration here, then go talk to her about it with a cool, clear mind.

Exactly!

In the time it takes you to typing it all out in coherently, you've regained your rational thought, instead of acting on impulse or aggression.

You kids will realize your sacrifice, once they get older.

 

[Mermaid]

As a female with a boyfriend who enjoys his BMC a little too much, I WISH he would go down to the pub, knock back a few pints, and chat with the patrons rather than sit at his computer, drink himself into "stupid" and talk at me about all his stress (because it seldom works out where I can drink myself stupid and talk at him about my stress - it's just one of those things).

So yeah, you need an outlet. I can understand "bring me a car seat" but I think she should be able to support your need to have a beer and relax after a crazy day/week.

 

[Joos]

All sarcasm aside, You should tell her your going to have a beer. have 1 beer then come home and prepare for the argument. If she loves you she wont wage war over it, and eventually will get used to the idea. Sounds stupid I know, but its either come to a slow understanding or continue to suffer. Good luck man.

on a side note Mermaid you are awesome!!!!!!

 

[Dgonza9]

I feel your pain, bro, on many levels. The modern lifestyle doesn't leave much time to organize a thought, let alone live a fulfilling life with adventures outside of kids and work. Trouble with SWMBO like this can make things seem unbearable. Instead of a loving family I sometimes feel like my SWMBO is more like a fellow employee I have to work with to get s**t done around the house.

Anyway, here's something that helped us in those times when every conversation it seemed to go south.

Counseling. We decided to seek counseling and it was great move. We found someone 5 minutes away who was totally cool and understanding. An empathetic and skilled counselor will help your spouse see and understand your feelings on this... and help you to see how she feels about it. I'm sure her perspective on this makes sense, once you can get an proper explanation. In other words, I don't think she thinks she's being selfish. There's some other way of looking at things from her point of view that makes it no big deal to disturb you at these times. My wife and I both felt like we were doing everything while the other person didn't do his/her share. Obviously, we couldn't both be right.

We also had moments like you describe that we couldn't seem to make progress on. Counselor helped a lot, bro. Plus, grandparents and friends are very cool about baby sitting to see a counselor for an hour.

Another thing to do, honestly is to find some more ways to have quality time with your wife. Not easy with the kids, I know, but I came to learn that part of the problem with situations a lot like you describe - no peace, ever - had to do with needing to get some quality time together. Even just sitting on the couch for 10 minutes with my wife and talking did wonders for all of these things...Plus, your sex life invariably improves.

I'd recommend the counselor. It helped us tremendously.

A second thing we did (my idea) was to stop dividing every chore up equally. I kind of like cooking so I took on more of the cooking. Made for much less bitching about the kids' laundry! Fair division of labor doesn't mean half. People have different capabilities.

Anyway, hope this helps and best of luck. SWMBO and I have gone through some rough times, but with some insight they give way to some truly awesome times.

Good luck, bro.

 

[Dgonza9]

On second thought, just show her this thread. LOL.

 

[mikelikesit2000]

I asume that before she went back to school, she was the one at home with the kids. I am always reminded of how hard and stressful taking care of a home is when I am Laid off and at home to witness it. I know that I have to be at work at 6am and I am done at 4pm. I know I get so many breaks during my work day. None of this is true with the homemaker position. When I get home my wife is still going. The kids most likely really enjoy seeing you more. Make it a fun thing. You dont want your kids to feel like you and your wife are both trying to get a break from them. Maybe after your wife finishes school (which helps you, too) there will be an opertunity for you to do something cool for yourself. Just my 2 cents.

 

[Hoppin_Mad]

Jesus, this thread has further reinforced my desire to not have kids. I will leave up to you fellas to propagate the human race. Cheers to you all.

 

[rycov]

I asume that before she went back to school, she was the one at home with the kids. I am always reminded of how hard and stressful taking care of a home is when I am Laid off and at home to witness it. I know that I have to be at work at 6am and I am done at 4pm. I know I get so many breaks during my work day. None of this is true with the homemaker position. When I get home my wife is still going. The kids most likely really enjoy seeing you more. Make it a fun thing. You dont want your kids to feel like you and your wife are both trying to get a break from them. Maybe after your wife finishes school (which helps you, too) there will be an opertunity for you to do something cool for yourself. Just my 2 cents.

well before she got prego the second time we were both working and life was good. but she took off work when it came close to time for the baby and she just never went back to work. she went to school instead. which i've been supportive about, but damn. i don't know, times is tuff i guess.

 

[Dgonza9]

Jesus, this thread has further reinforced my desire to not have kids. I will leave up to you fellas to propagate the human race. Cheers to you all.

A lot of the time you can being feeling all pissed off and stressed. Then you pick up your 6 year old at school and after five minutes of conversation all your worries melt away.

 

[mikelikesit2000]

well before she got prego the second time we were both working and life was good. but she took off work when it came close to time for the baby and she just never went back to work. she went to school instead. which i've been supportive about, but damn. i don't know, times is tuff i guess.

Times are tough. My wife is a stay at home mom. We have 3 boys, 4 including myself. Yes it would be nice to have the extra income, but her being at home with the boys is priceless. My boys are partially home schooled. they only go to school away from home a couple days a week. Our wives work very hard. Much of it we dont see. Think about this, when the kids are sick who is the one that stays up with them? usually the wife. when we as husbands are sick, our wives also care for us. When our wives are sick do we care for them in the same way? probably not. The point is our wives are on the clock 24 hours a day. A good wife is worth her weight in gold. Sounds like your wife is really trying to help your family by going to school so that she can help you provide. I know of many guys who's wives flat out refuse to do anything. You are a lucky guy.

 

[fineexampl]

first mistake was answering the phone.. I don't know what it is, but when I'm at the bar my phone reception is terrible

Sounds like at least you're talking about it, if you just bottled it up (or only told us at HBT) that would be a recipe for a blowup later. Not sure how old your kids are, but don't they go to sleep before you? I put my daughter to bed and then I've got a couple hours of downtime for uninterrupted beer drinking.

If you just got into a single beer, finish the beer and call back. Honestly, it doesn't take long to drink a beer. If i picked up every time my wife called, we'd both would have a weird bit of unhappy going on there.

I agree about getting the kids to bed before the adults. That's the best time to chill out and have that beer and maybe some good old fashioned ____ing.

well before she got prego the second time we were both working and life was good. but she took off work when it came close to time for the baby and she just never went back to work. she went to school instead. which i've been supportive about, but damn. i don't know, times is tuff i guess.

If you don't want to kill her and just want her to let you have a few moments to have a pint or two, stick it out.

personally i think using the term SWMBO is the problem from the start. Doing something because the wife asks is one thing, but to "obey" is an admission of inferiority. I like to think my wife is my equal and all that BS. I prefer to call her "the ol' battle axe" instead. This way i can grab her legs and use her as a weapon if needed.

 

[bruin_ale]

Cheers to that, my wife and I don't have that kind of relationship either. I think feeling like you have to constantly answer to someone would feel very oppressive. I take the term SWMBO as a joke, however I know there are some marriages where it is exactly as the term sounds. My brother has one of those marriages, it seems to work for him but it's sure frustrating when he comes to visit and he can't go have a beer with the guys because she says no.