Road Rage One Liners

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CreamyGoodness

CreamyGoodness

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I've lived in New York for 10 years, and because of this, I havent driven a vehicle larger than a golf cart in 8 of those years. I couldnt be happier. I dont need to drive, and frankly, I wasnt any good at it. Not only was I a bad driver, everyone on the road was worse. I developed a few choice one-liners for when I was cut off, or the jackhole in the Lexus decided the bumpy rumble strip was another lane. Hopefully you will share some of yours as well:

"Its the peddle on the right, jackhole!"

"Are you driving or mowing the lawn?!"

Or if he's agressively changing lanes "Lemme guess, all-you-can-eat closes in 10??"

"F me?! You couldnt handle me!" (The only comeback to being flipped the bird I could think of)

"Satan loves you!" (not proud of that one, but it DID get the desired effect)

or, if I was feeling very mean...

"NO ONE LOVES YOU!"

"You are why I am anti-gun control!"

If the offender is elderly "My favorite movie is Soylent Green!!"

"Die in a fire!!!"

"Chug bleach!"

"I hope your wife hits you like Liza Manelli!"

"Are you seriously this stupid or am I taking crazy pills??!"

For those with smelly exhaust I would take one from George Carlin- "Your sh**mobile smells like an anchovy's c**t!"

And finally, when someone would refuse to let me in their lane, and then wound up stuck while my lane was moving... "HAHA! Sic Semper Tyranus Mutha F****!"

:ban:

What's strange about this is outside of an automobile I worry more about hurting people's feelings than anyone I have ever met. A car's driver seat is like an instant insanity chamber. Luckily I'm in good company. SWMBO was driving to her parent's place a while back, and I got to see her flip someone off and call them a "f$%khat" for the first time. I laughed so hard I popped an eye vessel.
 
I just alternate a big thumbs up and pointing at them, with a CHEEZY big grin.

They flip me off, I give them an OVERSIZED thumbs up, usually wierds them into looking sheepish.
 
I've always wanted to get a programmable sign to display these sorts of messages to other drivers. The ones you could get back when I actually considered this were only those scrolling red LED type signs though.

Now however, I'm sure I could rig something up with an old LCD screen and something like this
 
Dammit, I'm gonna have to start paying attention to what I say while driving...I know I toss out some doozies "in the moment" but they're kinda like my dreams, they sort of just float away....
 
cheezydemon3 said:
I just alternate a big thumbs up and pointing at them, with a CHEEZY big grin.

They flip me off, I give them an OVERSIZED thumbs up, usually wierds them into looking sheepish.
Click to expand...

This reminds me of something I witnessed on the freeway the other day.

You know how there's a cultural difference in how we show the f-off sign here in America (The Bird) and how they do it in England? It's like a reverse peace sign.

How they do it;
images


So the other day this car full of evidently English young folks got cut off on the freeway by someone, and decided to road rage on them. So they pulled along side with horns ablazing and all 4 of them hanging out the windows doing the v sign.....

And as I pulled around past all that, I could see the look on the face of the other driver...utter confusion as to why 4 folks were showing the peace sign to him....
 
CoalCracker said:
I'll bite. What's an oversized thumbs up?
Click to expand...

Just an over-exaggerated, obviously ironic thumbs-up. I reserve that one mostly for people who think they are way cooler than they are - kids driving way too fast in moronic cars, that kind of stuff.

thumbs-up2.jpg


I tend to use the two-fingered British bird a lot more often than the one-finger salute. The other one, too, not sure what you call it - you kind of raise your right hand in a fist maybe chest-high, while grabbing your wrist with your left hand; basically, "my first up your arse!"

Not really looking to get into any debates with the other driver. Usually it's just some prick from New Jersey.
 
I stay away from sign language for the most part. My most common is probably "pick a f**king lane jackass."
 
My most common reply is "Are you FU*KING SERIOUS???" But I've also been known to scream "Use the Skinny Pedal D¡ckwad!!!"
 
After being cut off then the car slowing 10 mph under the limit my 12 y/o son said "outa the way horse monster". Don't know what that means but now every jerk on the road is a horse monster.
 
Hello, and welcome to my lane.

I see how you got that handicapped plate.

Da fuq?

Are we carpooling?

Hang up and drive! /makes motion of hanging up a phone

Hey! There's a motorcycle here. What, the brilliant white helmet, gleaming chrome and BRAP BRAP BRAP didn't tip you off?
 
Hang up and drive is one of mine as well.

I caught one of mine today, it's usually some derivation of "We're all going in the same direction, why is that too hard for you to handle? Too many generations of cousin marriages will do that to you."
 
"WHAT??????YOU BOUGHT THAT 50K SUV, BUT YOU WERE TOO CHEAP TO SPRING FOR TURN SIGNALS????????? Or are you just too stupid to use them?"

Worst is when you are turning out from someplace and someone is coming from your right. You don't want to be the asshat and pull out right in front of them....so......

They slow down....slow...down, just in time for it to be impossible for you to turn in front of them it becomes apparent that they are turning in where you are..........and the asshat is them. A simple signal would have let you be on your way a FULL 11 seconds earlier!!!!!!! THE OUTRAGE!!!!!!
 
passedpawn said:
Tom Robbins, Even Cowgirls Get the Blues. Book. The main character was a girl with literally oversized thumbs who puts them to good use hitchhiking. This thread made me remember that.
Click to expand...

Strange but OK movie with uma thurman.

If I recall, the movie starts with her pleasuring herself with one of said thumbs.
 
I don't know. Any story that take place inside a pack of Camel cigarettes works for me. Besides, the main character is a redhead (see readhead thread). Still Life for me.

Too bad you guys get road rage. Nearly hit a moose yeasterday. I didn't flip him off, British style or not.
 
The other day, I was driving on the interstate when some college age girl was driving like a complete sh*t. I could see her coming up behind me weaving in and out of traffic. I had my CC set and moved to the left lane to pass a truck, when she came flying up my right side and at the last minute, realized she didn't have enough room to get in front of me to pass. I could see her slamming her fists into her steering wheel and screaming something, couldn't hear her because the windows were up. She made a few gestures out of her window, presumeably at me. I kept on with the cruise control, and passed her. I had my sunglasses on so she couldn't see my eyes, but as I was passing by, I turned my head as though I was staring her down, and had my left arm draped across the steering wheel. In reality, I was alternating between looking at the road, and staring her down, but she couldn't tell with my sunglasses on. And I'm sure with my shaved head, I was pretty intimidating looking to some 19 year old girl.

She got REAL calm right after that and I didn't see her driving like a retard afterward, though it helped that traffic was pretty clear for a while. My girlfriend, in the passenger seat, thought it was hilarious. I think she was laughing about it for about 3 miles. It was the best response I have ever gotten from anything I have ever said or done regarding road rage. And I didn't even have to say a word.
 
Some a hole was honking and flashing lights behind me. Thought something was wrong with my truck, so I asked as he flew by in the left lane. Told me I was a fing idiot, yelling, etc. So I yelled back, "you're wound too tight old man." He lost it. Thought he was going to blow an artery out. Not sure why it hit a nerve so much, but I was satisfied. Maybe he just had his 5oth birthday or something.
 
Today my 2 year old said "green means go jerk off." I need to start watching what I'm saying.
 
For old people: "Turn up your oxygen!"
Ditto to "Die in a fire!"
Couple weeks ago a guy in a giant truck nearly squished my peanut car and I shouted out the open window "I hope you're sterile!" Totally came out of nowhere.
 
Some dumb girl almost hit me head on in my work truck as she was "entering" into a parking lot through the "Exit Only" lane. I pulled into another parking lot and she turned around and followed me.

I got out of my truck and she proceeded to attempt to dress me down, to which I replied, "If I wanted any **** out of you, I'd squeeze your f@cking head!" Her friend actually giggled at that, and the ******* in question actually started to cry. Honestly, I felt bad, but just a little.
 
The bus driver on my daily commute home from lower Manhattan NYC back to NJ is particularly agressive - lots of horn and flashing high-beams. Most of us don't mind because he gets us home quickly. Thursday afternoon, someone was blocking the box on our way to the Holland tunnel. I suggested that he just push him out of the way. He said "we all dream of doing that on our last day, and believe me, the day we do that _will_ be our last day.".
 
Very early one dark winter morning, I was doing almost 80 mph in the left lane of the empty turnpike. I see a car fly up behind me and move to pass in the right lane. What kind of crazy dipstick has to pull a move like that?! He gets ahead of me, then I realize it's a state trooper. Definitely not a dipstick, because he didn't pull me over.
 
jmendez29 said:
The other day, I was driving on the interstate when some college age girl was driving like a complete sh*t. I could see her coming up behind me weaving in and out of traffic. I had my CC set and moved to the left lane to pass a truck, when she came flying up my right side and at the last minute, realized she didn't have enough room to get in front of me to pass. I could see her slamming her fists into her steering wheel and screaming something, couldn't hear her because the windows were up. She made a few gestures out of her window, presumeably at me. I kept on with the cruise control, and passed her. I had my sunglasses on so she couldn't see my eyes, but as I was passing by, I turned my head as though I was staring her down, and had my left arm draped across the steering wheel. In reality, I was alternating between looking at the road, and staring her down, but she couldn't tell with my sunglasses on. And I'm sure with my shaved head, I was pretty intimidating looking to some 19 year old girl.

She got REAL calm right after that and I didn't see her driving like a retard afterward, though it helped that traffic was pretty clear for a while. My girlfriend, in the passenger seat, thought it was hilarious. I think she was laughing about it for about 3 miles. It was the best response I have ever gotten from anything I have ever said or done regarding road rage. And I didn't even have to say a word.
Click to expand...
Anybody that drives with the CC set should not have a license. Press your foot on the skinny peddle and get around whoever your passing and get out of the way.
 
Hilarious thread! Although i dont bother with one liners- i just go straight for the ol "hazards" when i see stupidity. Wish i had a big lit up lasor arrow Pointing a "I drive dumb" sign along with it..
 
My favorite is to say "Gas pedal is on the right!"

As a father of drivers who have only been at it a few years; I try to have a little more compassion. Doesn't always work.
 
SharonaZamboni said:
Very early one dark winter morning, I was doing almost 80 mph in the left lane of the empty turnpike. I see a car fly up behind me and move to pass in the right lane. What kind of crazy dipstick has to pull a move like that?! He gets ahead of me, then I realize it's a state trooper. Definitely not a dipstick, because he didn't pull me over.
Click to expand...

Hold up, hold up... You were squatting in the left lane on an empty road... and you were mad that someone would BE REQUIRED to pass you on the right?!:confused:
 
Drive in the right lane pass in the left lane. Accelerate to pass. How hard can it be? You should be in the right hand lane unless you are passing someone. I don't even have any idea what to call a driver that drives in the left lane when there is no traffic. I just pass on the right and assume they are clueless.
 
See, I don't get what the problem is, staying in the left lane when there's nobody the **** around. Who cares about that?

Also, the left lane should NOT just be *just* for passing. If I'm driving 75MPH on the Thruway and everyone else is going 70, it'd safer for me to just stay out in the left lane than to keep moving back and forth. With the big caveat, if there's someone behind me going 80, I get out of their way.
 

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