Jokes for a Friday, anyone?

[shecky]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is adescription of how the store operates:You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of theproducts increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose anyitem from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor thesign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.' That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and HelpWith Housework.'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand
it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help withHousework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the signreads:Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store

PLEASE NOTE:To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives storejust across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

 

[Aleforge]

So funny yet so true!

 

[zoebisch01]

*giggle*

 

[jmulligan]

Damn, I think I got shuttled to the basement at the New Husbands store...

"Bargain basement - These men are male (with the exception of the super-Clearance rack), slightly clingy, have weird and occasionally socially awkward senses of humor, but think you're hot."

 

[GroovePuppy]

Reminds me of the old adage:

"Women need a reason to have sex.

Men just need a place."

 

[the_bird]

Damn, I think I got shuttled to the basement at the New Husbands store...

"Bargain basement - These men are male (with the exception of the super-Clearance rack), slightly clingy, have weird and occasionally socially awkward senses of humor, but think you're hot."

It's so freakin' dark down here. I wish there were at least some windows

 

[blacklab]

Damn, I think I got shuttled to the basement at the New Husbands store...

"Bargain basement - These men are male (with the exception of the super-Clearance rack), slightly clingy, have weird and occasionally socially awkward senses of humor, but think you're hot."

Slightly clingy! That was freakin hilarious. Do they also smell like soup?

 

[shecky]

It rubs the lotion on itself.

 

[wildwest450]

Bargain basement - These men are male (with the exception of the super-Clearance rack), slightly clingy, have weird and occasionally socially awkward senses of humor, but think you're hot."

What more could you possibly ask for??

 

[Laurel]

It's so freakin' dark down here. I wish there were at least some windows

Nice to know I have company. At least the lack of windows keeps the beer from skunking.

 

[shecky]

OK, enough of your (embellished) sob stories. Anybody got a joke?

 

[lucky2balive]

Last night my wife and I were sitting in the den and she said to me, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'


So I got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out her wine.

 

[shecky]

Last night my wife and I were sitting in the den and she said to me, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'


So I got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out her wine.

Now that's what I'm talkin' 'bout.

 

[Boerderij_Kabouter]

There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him.

''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''

''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''

The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''

To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ''Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?'' ''Yes, He sure did,'' said the cop.

The little boy looked up at the cop and said, ''Next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top.''

 

[Boerderij_Kabouter]

Billy's homework assignment is to think of a true story with a moral so he goes home and thinks about it all night and finally has one.

The following day, Suzy raises her hand first and says, "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."

The teacher asks for the moral to the story. Suzy replies, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."

Next is Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm, too, and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched. The moral is, don't count your chicks before they are hatched.''

Billy is last to speak. He says, ''My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam War. His plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed, with only a parachute, a bottle of bourbon, a machine gun, and a machete. As he floated down he drank the bottle of bourbon. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 North Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade broke on his machete, so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands.''

The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.

Billy replies, "Don't f**k with my Uncle Ted when he's been drinking.''

 

[jgln]

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face,' he answered. I'm going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India , etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, Lollipop ... but at the bar... You know .. they have frozen glasses... '

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be! right back. I promise. OK?'

'You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.

'But my sweet honey... at the bar you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN ****! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT **** IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?'

and....they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?

 

[Boerderij_Kabouter]

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an *******.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Thor.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an disruption in the space-time continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to "disappear."

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

 

[jgln]

----- Original Message ----- ITALIAN WOMEN






are TOUGH!

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite ravioli wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.



When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite ravioli.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture.
His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the ravioli was already in his mouth.

With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.
'Hands off!' she said.
'Those are for after the funeral.'

 

[Boerderij_Kabouter]

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies....

'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN ****! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT **** IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?'

and....they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jd996sqXnDw]YouTube - Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - He Choose Poorly[/ame]

 

[jds]

A guy gets stuck in quicksand. Eventually a man in a Porsche and a guy on a horse go by at the same time. Wanting to help, the guy in the Porsche says "I'll drive up close. Just grab my bumper and I'll pull you out".

The man on the horse walks his horse up to the quicksand. The guy in the quicksand grabs onto the horse's dick, and is pulled free.

The moral of the story is that if you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Porsche.

 

[akamatt]

Do you know why Jesus Christ quit playing hocky?..........................................He kept getting nailed to the boards!



I know I know im going to hell

 

[Brewer3401]

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
S
he came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.

She read ... 'and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class:

'And what do you think the man said?'

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ....'I think the man would have said - 'Well, f*ck me!! A talking pig!'

 

[lucky2balive]

A guy was watching the game, drinking a few beers and popping beer nuts into his mouth, when his wife began yelling at him. He turned his head toward her and accidentally popped a beer nut into his ear. Both him and his wife tried and tried but neither could get it out. All right she said, lets get you to the hospital. As they walked outside their daughter and her boyfriend walked up and she asked, where are you and dad going. The mother said, we're off to the hospital, your father has a beer nut caught in his ear. The boyfriend then asked, before you go can I try to dislodge it. The boyfriend then stuck two fingers up the fathers nose and told him to blow. The father blew and out popped the beer nut. The mother then asked the father, our daughters boyfriend is so intelligent, what do you think he'll be when he grows up. The father replied, by the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.

 

[Unkle Danky]

A failing and desperate vacuum salesman knocked on the front door of a home and an old woman answered.
"Ma'am I have a fantastic deal for you" and he proceeded with his sales pitch.
"I don't have any use for that" said the old woman, and she began to shut the door."
Determined the salesman stuck his foot in the door and let himself in. "Please just let me try and convince you!" He said.
The old woman shrugged and he ran outside.
He returned with a wheelbarrow full of horse manure and dumped it in the living room.
"I believe in this product so much that if it does not suck up all this sh*t I will eat whatevers left!!"
The old woman turned to walk away.
"Where are you going?"
"Well I am going to grab you a fork because the power has been out all week."