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Amanda is 21 years older than her son John. In 6 years, she will be 5 times as old as John. Where is John's father?

A: I don't know where he is, but he's coming.
 
Cut and pasted from elsewhere on teh interwebz because it made me laugh.

A businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost he shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address,etc. but to no avail.

The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big.

Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a #$%$ on the way?"

"What?!!! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?"

The cabbie replied, "fifteen bucks."

The businessman said, "OK" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
 
DougK said:
Schroedinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't.
Click to expand...

After about an hour of research I finally decided this joke was funny... or at least clever. "Schroedinger's cat" is an interesting concept if you're a total nerd. Probably annoying if you're not. The best part for me was when I read that Schroedinger said he "regretted ever inventing that damn cat."
 
Keith66 said:
After about an hour of research I finally decided this joke was funny... or at least clever. "Schroedinger's cat" is an interesting concept if you're a total nerd. Probably annoying if you're not. The best part for me was when I read that Schroedinger said he "regretted ever inventing that damn cat."
Click to expand...

For me it was, "How do you get down off an elephant? You don't, you get down off a duck." Heard it as a kid and didn't get it for a few years. I should have researched!
 
Got a sec?

A respectable Jewish father met with his Rabbi. "Rabbi, my son had receive grand education and an elegant bar mitzvah. Yet today, he came to me to inform me he was converting to Christianity. What do I do?"

"Funny you should come to me," says the Rabbi, "for my son, who has received such an education and bar mitzvah, came to me only to inform me of his conversion to Christianity. "

"Rabbi, what did you do?" asked the father.

"I spoke with god."

Desperately the father asks, "and what did you learn?"

"God said 'Funny you should come to me. . .'"...

Jupapabear
 
One careless hand swing can quickly turn the dance floor into the boxing ring.
 
Why did the good Lord give women two sets of lips?

:D;):eek::D

So they could piss and moan at the same time!
 
Time for a little word association.

If I say "freedom," what bird do you think of?

Eagle, correct.

If I say "wisdom," what bird do you think of?

Owl, correct again.

If I say "love," what bird do you think of?

Dove, wow, you're awesome! Let's try one more.

If I say "true love," what bird do you think of?

Not sure?

Aw, come on, you should know this one.

Want me to tell you?







Swallow.
 
Here's a similar one:

Everyone knows the Stork brings babies, but do you know which bird prevents them?

The swallow.

Sent from my SPH-L900 using Home Brew mobile app
 
Temptd2 said:
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Phil."

The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife the word is 'sternum'."
Click to expand...

I just read this one last night. Today I sat in church right behind an elderly gentleman who was wearing a sternum support device (chest harness). The tag facing me had the word sternum embroidered. I was chuckling the whole time. I struggled to focus on the message and the service as I recalled this joke.
 
TrainSafe said:
I just read this one last night. Today I sat in church right behind an elderly gentleman who was wearing a sternum support device (chest harness). The tag facing me had the word sternum embroidered. I was chuckling the whole time. I struggled to focus on the message and the service as I recalled this joke.
Click to expand...


Lol!

My ex husband had a serious motorcycle wreck, and his "sternum" looked for all the world like one big black bowling ball. He didn't notice for a couple days, but once he did, he never failed to share with a male visitor. "Hey, look at this!", then he'd rip back the hospital sheets. Pure horror on the unsuspecting guy's face. It got so I couldn't wait for a new visitor.
 
I actually just clicked on the smiley. It showed upper case before submitting, lower case after. That's the thing about computers. They make the internet hard to use!
 
Another "not a joke per se" but cracked me UP when I got it via email today!

baby on board.jpg
 
Two men are out in the woods deer hunting, when all of a sudden, one guy passes out and falls to the ground, unconscious. In panic, the other hunter quickly dials "911." When the Operator answers the phone, he yells, "Help! My friend just collapsed, I think he's dead!" The operator says, "Calm down, sir. First, we need to make sure he's actually dead." There's a brief period of silence, then all of a sudden a shot is fired and breaks the silence. Seconds later, the man jumps back on the phone and says, "Ok...now what?"
 
Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, And go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them "Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you?" Ole replies, "Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit."

The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two from Minnesota , the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims, "Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?" Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere at da Falls, so ve've yust got ta have a fish fry vhen da veather's dis nice."

The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell. The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men.

The devil is dumbfounded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?"

They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya know, if hell is froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl!"
:D
 
We used to pull similar pranks in police cars (I was a cop). Confetti or baby powder in the vents, blower on high with the car off. On starting, poof!
 
Confucius says man who stands on toilet is high on pot


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