Jokes Dirty or otherwise

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A guy goes into a diner & orders a cup of coffee. When the waitress, an older gal, brings it to him she's carrying it with her thumb inside the cup, in the coffee. Drinking his coffee for awhile and getting more and more annoyed about this odd way of serving he finally asks "Hey, what's the deal with stickin' your thumb in my coffee?" She says, "Don't you know nothin'? I've got arthritis in that thumb and the warm coffee helps make it feel better." He says, "Well you can just take that arthritic thumb of yours and stick it up your a$$!". She says, "I do when I'm in the kitchen!"
 
What is the scientific word for the excess skin around the vagina?

A woman.


Sent from my HTCEVOV4G using Home Brew mobile app
 
An extremely old man goes to the doctor for his physical check-up. The doc asks him for a blood, urine and stool sample. The old man hands him his drawers.

:D
 
A lawyer was driving down a country road when he had a flat. Short on time to make a critical meeting he decided he didn't have time to wait for roadside assistance and began to change the flat himself. As he took off the lug nuts he sat them in the upturned hubcap on the asphalt behind him. While he was at the trunk retrieving the spare a car passed close by, clipped the hubcap and sent the lug nuts flying into the weeds. The lawyer cussed a blue streak.

A man who had been watching the entire thing from inside a chain link fence said, "Tough break, buddy! Why don't you take one lug nut from each of the other wheels to use on your spare - that should get you where you need to be."

The lawyer hadn't even noticed this guy hanging on the institutional fence till now said, "Hey thanks, great idea!" As he finished up with the tire change he asked what kind of place this was and was told it was a mental institution.

"How long have you worked here?"

"Oh, no - I'm a patient"

"You seem pretty well adjusted to me."

"I think so, too but my wife had me committed right after I inherited my dad's estate."

Closing the trunk and wiping his hands, "I feel I owe you for helping me through this. I'm an attorney and I'd like to take your case on pro bono. I have to go now but I can come back to meet with you next Tuesday to start work getting you out of here."

Turning and heading for the driver's side door a brick smacks the lawyer in the back of the head. Stunned and bleeding, he turns back around.

"Tuesday, right?"
 
Salesman is visiting a farmhouse and trying to get the farmer to buy his latest and greatest product when he noticed the chickens in the yard all had three legs. He commented to the farmer and the farmers said, "Yep, I bred them that way because everybody likes drumsticks, and this way I could sell more of them!"

The salesman looked around at the farm and finally asked, "Why aren't you rich and famous??"

To which the farmer replied, "'Cause I never could catch one of 'em!"
 
The same salesman notices a three legged pig and asks the farmer about it. Farmer says, "That's one heck of a pig! A while back the Mrs was deep frying and splashed grease out of the kettle, slipped and knocked herself out on the floor and a grease fire started. That pig knew what happened and came runnin' out to where I was, started tuggin' on my pants leg and led me to the house. Got the fire put out and saved Ma's life!"

"Then there was the time little Susie fell down the well. Pig done the same thing and we got her out safe and sound"

"Was in town at the feed store when a tornado hit and that there pig made sure everybody made into the storm cellar...even grabbed Ma's little poodle-dog by the scruff of the neck and carried her into the cellar."

Salesman says, "Those are some amazing stories, but how did the pig come to have only three legs?"

Farmer replies, "Sonny, a pig like that you don't want to eat all at once!"
 
Hamaki said:
A lawyer was driving down a country road when he had a flat. Short on time to make a critical meeting he decided he didn't have time to wait for roadside assistance and began to change the flat himself. As he took off the lug nuts he sat them in the upturned hubcap on the asphalt behind him. While he was at the trunk retrieving the spare a car passed close by, clipped the hubcap and sent the lug nuts flying into the weeds. The lawyer cussed a blue streak.

A man who had been watching the entire thing from inside a chain link fence said, "Tough break, buddy! Why don't you take one lug nut from each of the other wheels to use on your spare - that should get you where you need to be."

The lawyer hadn't even noticed this guy hanging on the institutional fence till now said, "Hey thanks, great idea!" As he finished up with the tire change he asked what kind of place this was and was told it was a mental institution.

"How long have you worked here?"

"Oh, no - I'm a patient"

"You seem pretty well adjusted to me."

"I think so, too but my wife had me committed right after I inherited my dad's estate."

Closing the trunk and wiping his hands, "I feel I owe you for helping me through this. I'm an attorney and I'd like to take your case on pro bono. I have to go now but I can come back to meet with you next Tuesday to start work getting you out of here."

Turning and heading for the driver's side door a brick smacks the lawyer in the back of the head. Stunned and bleeding, he turns back around.

"Tuesday, right?"
Click to expand...

I don't know if its just my hbt app for android or what but it says this was posted 12/31/1969


Also I dont get the punchline and its driving me nuts.
 
Brewmex41 said:
I don't know if its just my hbt app for android or what but it says this was posted 12/31/1969


Also I dont get the punchline and its driving me nuts.
Click to expand...

...driving me nuts...you have a steering wheel in your pants?

The guy at the asylum seemed perfectly fine till he tossed the brick but by doing so demonstrated he clearly was not sane. First heard this joke at a New Years Eve party on 12/31/1969 - excellent app!
 
I just figured that the scumbag lawyer would take any client, even one who would do him bodily harm, to get his hands on some estate money. Otherwise I don't get it.
 
nutty_gnome said:
I just figured that the scumbag lawyer would take any client, even one who would do him bodily harm, to get his hands on some estate money. Otherwise I don't get it.
Click to expand...

This post seems to support my thought that "Tuesday, right?" could have been said by the guy in the asylum OR the lawyer, which was not clear, which would have completely different implications. Whatever the original meaning of the joke was, we've completely killed it at this point. :D
 
Keith66 said:
This post seems to support my thought that "Tuesday, right?" could have been said by the guy in the asylum OR the lawyer, which was not clear, which would have completely different implications. Whatever the original meaning of the joke was, we've completely killed it at this point. :D
Click to expand...

Or BOTH IN UNISON!

When you think of it that way, you will need need to have surgery to repair the hernia you got form all of the laughing.
 
Okay, so the crazy guy/lawyer/brick-to-the-head story could have been told better. So how about...

Some folks grabbed Tammy Faye Bakker, held her down and scrubbed off her makeup. Know what they found? Jimmy Hoffa.
 
Sven and Ole buy a mule. But when they get it home, they can’t get it into the barn. It just won’t go.
Sven says, “I know just the problem. He won’t fit through the door. His ears are too long.”
Ole sees that Sven is right, thinks a bit, and then says, “I know what we can do. We should raise the barn by a foot, so he’ll fit.”
Sven asks, “Wouldn’t it be easier to dig a ditch for him to walk in?”
Ole says, “Sven, don’t be such a dummy! It’s his ears that are too long, not his legs!”
:D
 
As long as we're on obscure jokes...


What sound does a Greek cow make?




Clipboard01.jpg
 
whats the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?

You slap a mosquito and it stops sucking
 
A government study has confirmed that yelling at women is the leading cause of parched vagina.
 
One Stormtrooper asks another "What's that your eating?"
He answers "Wookie Steak."
"How is it?" asks the first storm trooper.


"Chewy!" the second answers. :D
 
A man walks into a bar and sits down beside a monster. The monster tells the man that he is an addict and his poison s prescription meds. As the night goes on a blonde comes in and sits down on the other side of the monster. The monster turns and just gobbles her up. The man replies " Hey don't you know that was a bar ***** you ate!" (barbiturate)

Always thought this one was funny.....
 
A farmer knocks on the door of a neighboring farm and a young boy answers the door. The farmer says “can I speak to your mom or your dad?” The young boy replies, “They aren’t home, they went to town.” The farmer then asks, “Well can I speak to your brother Howard?” The young boy says, “He isn’t home either, he went with them. Can I ask what this is about?” The farmer then says “well I really need to speak to your mom or dad. This is about your brother Howard getting my daughter pregnant.” The young boy thinks for a moment and then says “well, you probably need to talk to dad. I know he gets $400 for a bull, and he gets $150 for a hog, but I don’t know what he gets for Howard.”
 
Dad catches little Johnny pulling the wings off a butterfly and tells Johnny, "Alright, no butter for you for one month!" Later that day little Johnny kills a honeybee. Dad says, "Okay, no honey for you for a month!" That evening mom is cooking dinner and a cockroach runs across the floor. She squeals and stomps on it. Little Johnny looks at dad and says, "Well, are you gonna tell her or should I?"
 
Little Johnny is on an elevator when a nice looking lady gets on with him. They smile at each other when Johnny asks her, " Excuse me ma'am, can I smell your feet?"
"No you most certainly can not!" the lady replies. "Oh, ok," Johnny says, "That must be your ***** then!"


:D
 
kingboomer said:
Got this friend who was born with one of the strangest birth defects I've ever heard of. Turns out, he was born with no lower eyelids! Story I got was, the doctors in a fit of sheer brilliance took his recently circumcised foreskin and fashioned two new lower eyelids for him, and stitched em on. Flash foreward 20 or so years and you can't even tell the procedure was done. Only problem is, I give him more than a few homebrews in one sitting and he gets half cock-eyed...


:D
Click to expand...



Did you hear about the guy whose eyelids were attached to his foreskin?

Every time he winked he wanked, and every time he wanked he winked.
 
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