Jokes Dirty or otherwise

Yakima 728
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Used to be a guy at work who reported to me that generally had little positive to say to others. Generally did what he could to put people down. I had to write him up a couple of times due to his attitude.

One day I mentioned to him I'm a homebrewer. In order to sound authoritative and dismissive at the same time, he said, "Yeah, I've done that a few times but it always came out too heavy. Waste of time."

I don't think he appreciated the gravity of the situation.
 
A couple of older fellows were setting on a bench in the park chatting with one another. One was 78 and the other 82. The 82 year old mentioned that he'd just finished his 3 mile run and felt great. The 78 year old man asked him how he was capable of doing that at his age. The older man said that he ate rye bread every day. When asked what some of the other benefits were to eating rye bread every day, the older man mentioned that it gave him back his sex life. He was able to have sex whenever he wanted since beginning that diet.

On the way home, the younger gentleman was thinking about the conversation. He wasn't really interested in being able to run 3 miles. Heck, he didn't even want to be able to run up the stairs in his house, but the sex did interest him. It had been a good while since he was able to get a stiffy.

He stopped by a bakery in his neighborhood before going home. He asked if they sold rye bread. The woman behind the counter said yes, it's on the shelf behind you. So he picked up five loaves of rye bread and took it to the counter. The woman smiled and said... "Five loaves? You realize it will be hard before you get to the thrid one."

His reaction.... "What the he!!? How come everyone knows about this but me?"
 
I saw this yesterday and it made me chuckle. Go up to someone and say "I heard a hilarious knock knock joke, but you have to start it off."
Other person: "Okay, knock knock."
You: "Who's there?"
*awkward silence*
 
JonM said:
I saw this yesterday and it made me chuckle. Go up to someone and say "I heard a hilarious knock knock joke, but you have to start it off."
Other person: "Okay, knock knock."
You: "Who's there?"
*awkward silence*
Click to expand...

I'm doing that at work tomorrow.
 
A little girl goes up to her mom and asks, "Mommy, why did you name me Rose?"
"Well, when you were a baby, a rose petal fell on your forehead, so we named you after that."
Her sister asks the same question, "Mommy, why did you name me Daisy?"
"Well, when you were a baby, a daisy petal fell on your forehead, so we named you after that."
The third sister goes, "mwwaaarrrghh," and the mom says, "What's that, Cinderblock?"
 
That last line in #298 reminds me of when I was a kid. They called me cement head,since hittin me upside the head did little more than to piss me off. The nun's called me satan's little helper. I wasn't a bad kid,just had a strong sense of justice. Must be the redneck side?...(He' says after a drink of honey brown lager)...BLLLAAAAARRRF,WHOOOOOAAAA!
 
Not sure if this one has been posted, as I haven't read the entire thread, but got it email today and made me LOL!

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Phil."

The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife the word is 'sternum'."
 
Ok time to get geeky

The Higgs boson walks into a church , the priest shouts out "we don't want your kind here!" And it replies " without me how can you have mass."





Sent from the future using neurological impulses.
 
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.The bartender asks "What'll it be boys?"
The first mathematician says "I'll have one half a beer"
The second mathematician says "I'll have one quarter of a beer"
The third mathematician says "I'll have one eighth of a beer"
The fourth mathematician says "I'll have one sixteenth...."
The bartender cuts them off saying "Know your limits, boys", and pours them a single beer.
 
Two atoms are walking down the street. One atom says to the other "I think I'm missing an electron." The other atom asks "Are you sure?" First atom replies "Yeah, I'm positive."
 
To return to Preacher Jokes:
At a tent service the preacher was calling out to the faithful to confess their sins and be forgiven.
A man stood and said "I cheated on my taxes!"
The preacher replied "Jesus forgives you!"
Another man stood and said "I cheated on my wife."
Again, the preacher cried "Jesus forgives you!"
A third man stood and said "I had sex with a goat!"
And the preacher answered "I don't believe I would have told that."
:)
 
Kind of a preacher joke:


A priest and a rabbi are standing on a street corner discussing politics when a 6 year old boy comes riding by on a bike. The priest says, "Man, just look at that boy. Let's F#$K him!" The rabbi says, "OK, out of what?"
 
kingboomer said:
Kind of a preacher joke:


A priest and a rabbi are standing on a street corner discussing politics when a 6 year old boy comes riding by on a bike. The priest says, "Man, just look at that boy. Let's F#$K him!" The rabbi says, "OK, out of what?"
Click to expand...

Whelp, I'm going to hell. Laughed way too hard at that one.
 
One day at school little Johnny's 3rd grade teacher tells the class that every one would need to bring some thing in to class the next day for a show and tell.

Little Johnny, being from a poor family, had nothing that he considered being worthy of show and tell. As he was stamping home that day, kicking stones, he came across a small turtle on the side of the road. A light went off in little Johnny's head, and he exclaimed out loud " Hey, I can take that little f*cker in to school tomorrow." He picks the turtle up and carries it home, puts it in a box and places it under his bed. In the morning Little Johnny gets ready for school, retrieves his prized turtle and heads off to school. He is walking along and gets tired of carrying his turtle, and says to the turtle, " I'll put your @ss in my f*ckin pocket ." Johnny stuffs the little turtle into his pocket and starts off to school.

Johnny gets almost all the way to school when all of a sudden he notices his pocket getting wet. He yanks the turtle out, throws it down and exclaims "You pissed in my pocket you little bastard. You'll have to walk your little f*ckin @ss the rest of the way." So, Johnny and his turtle start walking the rest of the way to school when a big truck comes along and runs over the turtle. "F*ck!" Johnny yells, "now what the f*ck am I to do?"

Johnny thinks for a second and says, "f*ck it" and scrapes up what is left of the turtle, and stuffs it back in his pocket, and heads off to school.

At school, the time comes for show and tell, and the teacher decides to have Johnny go first, and get through it the best she can. So she calls johnny to the head of the class and reminds him that profanity is not allowed in her class room.

Being mindful of the teachers instructions Johnny starts his presentation: "This here is a little f.... a...a... turtle that I found when I was walking home from school. He's a stupid little son of a bi.....a....a.... gun though. He let this big truck come right up and smash his @ss."

The teacher interrupts and tells johnny "Oh Johnny, we don't use that word, instead we use rectum."

Johnny scratches his chin and thinks for a few seconds then responds "Well, hell it didn't just wreck him, it f*ckin killed him!"

:D
 
Two chemists walk into a cafe. The first one says "I'll have a glass of H20." The second one says "I'll have some water, too." He then turns to his colleague and says "Why did you order water that way? Isn't it a little high fallutin' to ask for water by saying 'H20' instead of the way people talk in the real world?"

The first chemist stares angrily at the two glasses of water, realizing that his assassination plot had failed.
 
Once there was a farmer. He had two teenage sons. This farmer had just inherited some of money from his brother's recent death. He couldn't decide which son he could send to college, since he could only afford to send one.
This farmer also had two ducks. These ducks were retarded. They were only two ducks on the farm that weren't normal. He told his sons that whoever could get the most money for the duck would go to college.
The sons went out in attempt to collect as much money as they could. The first son was walking down the street when he passed a man working in the yard. The man asked him if the duck was for sale, for the man loved the taste of ducks. He offered the son 10 dollars for his duck. The son decided this was very good, so he took it. He decided his brother wouldn't be able to get close to his success.
The second son was walking and passed a whorehouse. He went in and said that he didn't have any money, but he would give them the duck. One girl said fine. After they f**ked, she decided that she didn't want the duck anymore. The son said he would take the duck back if they f**ked again. She agreed. After they f**ked the second time, the son left.
He was walking home, thinking about what to do with the duck when it broke the leash. The duck ran out into the street and was hit by a car. The lady that hit it jumped from her car and started apologizing profusely. The son insisted it was ok, but the lady said she would pay for the duck. She was in a hurry, so she gave him 25 dollars and sped off.
When the sons got home, the farmer asked the first son what he got. He proudly displayed the 10 dollars. The farmer was impressed. He asked the second son the same thing.
"That's nothing. I got a f**k for a duck, a duck for a f**k, and 25 dollars for a f**ked up duck."
 
The son of a rich southern tycoon was sent off to college to make something of himself but spent all his time gambling and partying. He frequently sent home for more money, always with some lame excuse about more books, lab fees etc. Dad started to tighten up and demand more details. The son hit upon an idea and told his dad he was participating in a study to teach dogs how to talk and asked dad to send Ol' Blue and $5,000 to help cover the project costs. Dad was mighty fond of Ol' Blue and so complied. A month later the boy sent for $10,000,saying that Blue was getting some of the basics down but needed much more work. Dad grumbled but said if would benefit Ol' Blue it would be worth it. The boy blew through the money pretty quick and asked dad for $25,000, saying Blue was having simple conversations with the researchers. Dad sent the money and said he'd be down in a month to check on progress.

The boy was fit to be tied, not just because Ol' Blue had never been taught how to talk but worse, he was hit by a truck & killed within a week of arriving at school. How was he going to deal with dad?

Dad arrived and met his son, anxious to see what Ol' Blue could do. The boy said, "Dad, you know Blue got real conversational a couple of weeks ago. Started talking about you and the upstairs maid to anyone that would listen."

Dad said, "Well I hope you had the decency to shoot that lyin' sonofabitch!"

"Taken care of, dad!"
 
16 year old girl goes out on first date. comes home . mom asks her how her date went .
girl " great momma . i am in love "
Mom " you do not know what love is "
Girl " yes I do my boyfriend told me "
Mom" What did that little punk tell you ?"
Girl " he told me love was when you suck on a guys D$$K for a while and then you let him shove it up your A$$ "
Mom " that little punk I'll whip his A$$ . that is not love . "
Girl " What is love momma ?"
Mom " true love is when you let a boy shove his D%%K up your A$$ for a while and then you suck on it !"
 
Drunk guy decides he wants to eat some p%%%Y . He finds a prostitute. They go to the motel and he starts eating away . Gets something in his mouth . he pulls it out and it is a pea . He thinks " wow what a kinky girl " tosses it over his shoulder and goes back to eating .
Gets something else in his mouth . this time it is a kernel of corn . he thinks " wow she is really kinky ! " tosses it over his shoulder and goes back to eating .
Gets something else in his mouth and this time it is bigger . he pulls it out and it is a green bean . He has had enough of this weird stuff .
Drunk guy says " hey are you a sick Bi^^^H or what ? "
Prostitute says "Nope . But the guy before you was "
 
Bill and Bob are discussing the sad state of 21st century morals and ethics ... marriage, fidelity, honor, dedication.

Bill says, "I never slept with my wife until we tied the knot legal and proper! How 'bout you?"

And Bob says, "I'm not sure. What was her maiden name again?"
 
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