Way too many of these types of jokes
Q) What is the difference between a pile of bowling balls and a pile of dead babies?
A) I dont have a pile of bowling balls in my shed
A) You cant move a pile of bowling balls with a pitchfork
Jokes Dirty or otherwise
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Way too many of these types of jokes
Q) What is the difference between a pile of bowling balls and a pile of dead babies?
A) I dont have a pile of bowling balls in my shed
A) You cant move a pile of bowling balls with a pitchfork
maynardtl8
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DrunkleJon said:
I dont eat bowling balls :-D
Cheesy_Goodness
Well-Known Member
How do you get 10 babies in a shoebox?
Blender.
How do you get them out?
Nachos.
Blender.
How do you get them out?
Nachos.
Really? Really? I lived through the farging 1970s once already!
roastquake
Well-Known Member
worse than 5 dead babies nailed to a tree?
one dead baby nailed to 5 trees
one dead baby nailed to 5 trees
zazbnf
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Well can't have dead baby jokes without some mama mama jokes:
Mama mama why am I running around in circles? Shut up before I nail your other foot to the floor.
Mama mama daddy is on fire! Quick get the marshmellows.
Mama mama my tomato soup tastes funny? Hurry up and eat it before it clots.
Mama mama why am I running around in circles? Shut up before I nail your other foot to the floor.
Mama mama daddy is on fire! Quick get the marshmellows.
Mama mama my tomato soup tastes funny? Hurry up and eat it before it clots.
gpitrone
Member
Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.
gratus fermentatio
Well-Known Member
A blonde, a brunette & a redhead are sitting in the obstetrician's waiting room, all are pregnant & are chatting about their pregnancies. The redhead says "I'm having a boy, because my husband & I did it standing up." The brunette says "I'm having a girl because my husband & I did it missionary style." The blonde starts crying & the other women ask her what's wrong, the blonde sobs "I'm going to have puppies!"
Two blondes stand on either side of a river.
One calls out "How do I get to the other side?"
The other calls back" You are on the other side!"
One calls out "How do I get to the other side?"
The other calls back" You are on the other side!"
Black Island Brewer
An Ode to Beer
Overwhelmed by the high demand for Tickle Me Elmo dolls one holiday season the local manufacturer was scraping the bottom of the barrel to hire workers for the plant. After explaining to the blonde her duties on the assembly line, the manager went back to his work, sending her off to do her new job down on the assembly line floor. 20 minutes later, alarm bells start blaring, and the manager, looking down onto the floor of the plant, sees the assembly line shut down, and the blonde working feverishly with piles of dolls around her. Running to the floor, he finds her sewing two cotton balls on to the poor little doll's crotch. Immediately understanding the problem, the manager screams at the blonde, "I said 'give each doll two test tickles!'"
College student sees a blonde at a bar off campus and challenges her to a game. Because he's so smart, and because she's just a dumb blonde, he gives her 10:1 odds. "I'll ask you a question. If you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask ME a question. If I don't know the answer, I pay you $50."
The blonde agrees and the college student asks his first question. "What's the square root of 546?" The blonde doesn't know, so she gives him $5."
Then it's the blonde's turn. "What has four legs going up a hill, and six legs going down?" The college student doesn't know, so he gives her $50. Then the college student says, "So, what's the answer?"
The blonde smiles and gives him $5.
The blonde agrees and the college student asks his first question. "What's the square root of 546?" The blonde doesn't know, so she gives him $5."
Then it's the blonde's turn. "What has four legs going up a hill, and six legs going down?" The college student doesn't know, so he gives her $50. Then the college student says, "So, what's the answer?"
The blonde smiles and gives him $5.
I hear Glidden has come out with a new paint called "Blonde". It isn't too bright, but it spread real easy...
kingboomer
Well-Known Member
Ahh blonde jokes...
A blonde couple are trying to concieve, and are having absolutely no luck. They decide to visit their doctor for a recomendation to a fertility clinic. The doc sees them and asks a few questions, like their diet, exercise regemine, supplement intake, etc. After they answered all their questions, he talks to them about their sex lives, how many times, positions, etc. After reviewing the research, the doctor tells the couple, "Guys, there's no way to sugar coat this, so I'll give it to you straight. No matter how good your diet and exercise regemine is, and no matter the suppliments you're taking, there's absolutely no way that sperm cells can survive very far past the tonsils."
A blonde couple are trying to concieve, and are having absolutely no luck. They decide to visit their doctor for a recomendation to a fertility clinic. The doc sees them and asks a few questions, like their diet, exercise regemine, supplement intake, etc. After they answered all their questions, he talks to them about their sex lives, how many times, positions, etc. After reviewing the research, the doctor tells the couple, "Guys, there's no way to sugar coat this, so I'll give it to you straight. No matter how good your diet and exercise regemine is, and no matter the suppliments you're taking, there's absolutely no way that sperm cells can survive very far past the tonsils."
kingboomer
Well-Known Member
OK, one more...
A blond lady is speeding when she gets pulled over. To her surprise, the cop is also a blonde. "OK ma'am, let's see your drivers licence" the cop says. Frustrated, the blonde looks in her purse and finds a small mirror. Looking into it, she gives it to the cop and says "It's not in here, but it looks like this." The cop takes a look and says "Oh gee, I didn't know you were a cop. Have a nice day!"
A blond lady is speeding when she gets pulled over. To her surprise, the cop is also a blonde. "OK ma'am, let's see your drivers licence" the cop says. Frustrated, the blonde looks in her purse and finds a small mirror. Looking into it, she gives it to the cop and says "It's not in here, but it looks like this." The cop takes a look and says "Oh gee, I didn't know you were a cop. Have a nice day!"
What's worse than a sick cat on your piano?
A dead puusy on your organ.
A dead puusy on your organ.
Mama, Mama, I don't want to go to Japan!
Shut up and keep swimming!
Shut up and keep swimming!
Where are we going and why am I in this hand-basket?
Ahh, blondes...
"Like OMG guys, I've shotgunned like 12 beers already and I'm not even drunk!"
"Like OMG guys, I've shotgunned like 12 beers already and I'm not even drunk!"
kingboomer
Well-Known Member
Know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing the W's out
She kept throwing the W's out
You know,looking back over my life,whoever said blondes have more fun was not referring to guys as well. What a freakin jip...
kingboomer
Well-Known Member
An appache brave walked into his chief's tent, brooding and depressed. "What's the matter son?" the chief asks. "Chief, how do you come up with the names of all the people?"
"Well, I decide the names by what I see when the child is born. For instance, if a young brave is born and I see a wolf running, I name him Running Wolf. If a young squaw is born and I see an eagle flying I name the child Flying Eagle. Now tell me Two Dogs F@#*ing, why does this bother you?"
"Well, I decide the names by what I see when the child is born. For instance, if a young brave is born and I see a wolf running, I name him Running Wolf. If a young squaw is born and I see an eagle flying I name the child Flying Eagle. Now tell me Two Dogs F@#*ing, why does this bother you?"
Mongrel
Well-Known Member
A guy walks into a whorehouse and drops his pants, proudly sporting a 3" erection. A couple of the whores laugh and ask him who he thinks he's going to please with that thing. Still smiling, he replies, "Me!"
cruizer8
Well-Known Member
"I see", said the blind man to the deaf mute as he is pissing into the wind. "It all comes back to me now. "
gratus fermentatio
Well-Known Member
Have you heard the story of Sally Brown? No one could knock her on the ground. Over the hill came Piss-Ball Pete, a hundred pounds of swingin' meat.
He knocked ol' Sally in the grass & stuck his pud right in her ass. Now Sally Brown, she cut a fart, and blew his balls a mile apart.
Over the hill goes Piss-Ball Pete, a hundred pounds of shredded wheat.
He knocked ol' Sally in the grass & stuck his pud right in her ass. Now Sally Brown, she cut a fart, and blew his balls a mile apart.
Over the hill goes Piss-Ball Pete, a hundred pounds of shredded wheat.
MindenMan
Well-Known Member
Piss-Ball Pete, that takes me back to 8th grade...
"Mommy, am I a vampire?", "Shut up and drink your blood before it clots."
"Mommy, am I a werewolf?", "Shut up and comb your face".
"Mommy, am I a vampire?", "Shut up and drink your blood before it clots."
"Mommy, am I a werewolf?", "Shut up and comb your face".
MindenMan
Well-Known Member
"Mommy, I'm tired of going around in circles", "Shut up, or I will nail your other foot to the floor", she said.
MindenMan
Well-Known Member
Why are the Ducks like a tampon? They're only good for one period, and they don't have second string. BAM!
A young lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. Being his usual obnoxious self, he starts complaining to St Peter about why he had to die so young.
St Peter looks through the guy's file and says: "Well, according to your billable hours, you died at a ripe old age of 96".
St Peter looks through the guy's file and says: "Well, according to your billable hours, you died at a ripe old age of 96".
gratus fermentatio
Well-Known Member
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
Oh great, now I have a ZZ Top song stuck in my head.
kingboomer
Well-Known Member
Suzy asks her mom one day "Mommy, can I take a shower with you?" Seeing no reason not to, her mom allows it. They're showering when Suzy notices her mom's pubic patch."What's that mommy?" "That's my wash cloth dear" her mother replies. Suzy thinks nothing more on it until she asks her mother to shower with her about a week later. She looks up and noticed her mother had shaved. "What happened to your wash cloth mommy?" "Oh I lost it I'm afraid..." her mother replies. Suzy thinks no more on it. After the shower suzy goes out to play. A few minutes later she comes busting thru the door and yells "Hey mommy! I found your wash cloth! Mrs. Johnson has it next door, and she's washing Daddy's face with it!!!"
One night, a man and his wife were in bed having "marital relations". The woman was on top, riding her husband when their six year old son walked in. Understandably, the couple stopped what they were doing, covered up, and yelled at the boy to get out. The boy, now startled by what had just happened, started crying. The wife put on her robe and went to console the boy.
She left the bedroom and started comforting the boy. After he had calmed a bit, he asked her what they were doing. Slightly flabbergasted, she replied, "Well, your father's tummy has been getting bigger lately so mommy is helping daddy by pushing it back down."
Feeling rather proud of herself for coming up with such a good excuse, the boy wiped away the last of his tears and said, "You're wasting your time. When you go to work, the lady across the street comes over and just blows it back up."
She left the bedroom and started comforting the boy. After he had calmed a bit, he asked her what they were doing. Slightly flabbergasted, she replied, "Well, your father's tummy has been getting bigger lately so mommy is helping daddy by pushing it back down."
Feeling rather proud of herself for coming up with such a good excuse, the boy wiped away the last of his tears and said, "You're wasting your time. When you go to work, the lady across the street comes over and just blows it back up."
Black Island Brewer
An Ode to Beer
The "born again virgins" decided that although both of them were experienced in the ways of love, that they would refrain from intercourse until they were married. On their wedding night, as they were disrobing, the groom took off his shoes and socks, and revealed a left foot that was deformed, with toes pointing akimbo. "Oh, my love, what happened to your toes?" asked the bride.
"When I was a young boy, I had tolio", he replied.
"Don't you mean 'polio'?" she asked.
"No, tolio. It only affected my toes." he answered.
As he continued to undress, he took off his pants to reveal two deformed knees. "Oh, my love, what happened to your knees?" asked the bride.
"When I was a young boy, I had kneesels", he answered.
"Don't you mean 'measels'?" she asked.
"No, kneesels. It only affected my knees", he answered.
Continuing to undress, he took off his underwear.
The bride exclaimed "Oh, my love, when you were a young boy, did you have smallcox?"
"When I was a young boy, I had tolio", he replied.
"Don't you mean 'polio'?" she asked.
"No, tolio. It only affected my toes." he answered.
As he continued to undress, he took off his pants to reveal two deformed knees. "Oh, my love, what happened to your knees?" asked the bride.
"When I was a young boy, I had kneesels", he answered.
"Don't you mean 'measels'?" she asked.
"No, kneesels. It only affected my knees", he answered.
Continuing to undress, he took off his underwear.
The bride exclaimed "Oh, my love, when you were a young boy, did you have smallcox?"
LOL... A couple is out for a nice dinner, and both are scared and excited, because that night will be the first night they have sex.
The woman, clearly apprehensive, tells her beau, "Just so you know tonight, I wear false breasts. In reality, I have such tiny breasts. I'm embarrassed, but I wanted you to know before we are in the moment tonight."
The man replies, also apprehensive, "I understand, and I'm glad you told me. In truth, I'm hung like a little baby boy down there, and I was worried about what would happen tonight, but I'm glad to let you know beforehand."
Both clearly relieved, they finish dinner and head home.
As they start to undress, the woman sees her man take his pants off, and faints.
The man revives her, and asks whats wrong. "I thought you said you were hung like a little baby boy!", she screams.
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He says, "Yes, I am. 8 lbs and 23 inches."
The woman, clearly apprehensive, tells her beau, "Just so you know tonight, I wear false breasts. In reality, I have such tiny breasts. I'm embarrassed, but I wanted you to know before we are in the moment tonight."
The man replies, also apprehensive, "I understand, and I'm glad you told me. In truth, I'm hung like a little baby boy down there, and I was worried about what would happen tonight, but I'm glad to let you know beforehand."
Both clearly relieved, they finish dinner and head home.
As they start to undress, the woman sees her man take his pants off, and faints.
The man revives her, and asks whats wrong. "I thought you said you were hung like a little baby boy!", she screams.
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He says, "Yes, I am. 8 lbs and 23 inches."
hunter_le five
Sheriff Underscore
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard grave. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery when he heard some strange noises coming from the vicinity of the late musician's headstone. Terrified, the drunk ran to fetch the priest.
The priest, while skeptical of the old sot, came to listen, and was alarmed when he too heard faint, unrecognizable music emanating from the grave. Together the drunk and the priest went to fetch the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived with the drunk and the priest in tow, he bent an ear down to the earth and listened intently for several minutes, showing no discernible emotions whatsoever. Finally, he cried "Aha! I recognize that tune! It's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony... but it's playing backwards!"
The drunk and the priest were confused by this revelation, but waited as the magistrate continued to listed with his ear to the ground. Several minutes went by, and the magistrate cried out again, "Aha! I know that one as well! It's Beethoven's Eighth Symphony, but it too is playing backwards. Curious..."
The drunk and the priest, no longer able to contain their fear, made as if to leave, but the magistrate bid them stay to bear witness as he identified each tune in succession. "Beethoven's Seventh Symphony! .... Beethoven's Sixth Symphony... Beethoven's Fifth Symphony... All backwards!" the magistrate exclaimed, marvelling at the unlikely tunes.
"What could it mean?!?!" cried the drunk. "What foul evil is this?!?!" cried the priest.
"Relax," said the magistrate, standing up to face the two frightened men, "I know exactly what's going on here. There is absolutely nothing to fear here; it's just Beethoven decomposing."
The priest, while skeptical of the old sot, came to listen, and was alarmed when he too heard faint, unrecognizable music emanating from the grave. Together the drunk and the priest went to fetch the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived with the drunk and the priest in tow, he bent an ear down to the earth and listened intently for several minutes, showing no discernible emotions whatsoever. Finally, he cried "Aha! I recognize that tune! It's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony... but it's playing backwards!"
The drunk and the priest were confused by this revelation, but waited as the magistrate continued to listed with his ear to the ground. Several minutes went by, and the magistrate cried out again, "Aha! I know that one as well! It's Beethoven's Eighth Symphony, but it too is playing backwards. Curious..."
The drunk and the priest, no longer able to contain their fear, made as if to leave, but the magistrate bid them stay to bear witness as he identified each tune in succession. "Beethoven's Seventh Symphony! .... Beethoven's Sixth Symphony... Beethoven's Fifth Symphony... All backwards!" the magistrate exclaimed, marvelling at the unlikely tunes.
"What could it mean?!?!" cried the drunk. "What foul evil is this?!?!" cried the priest.
"Relax," said the magistrate, standing up to face the two frightened men, "I know exactly what's going on here. There is absolutely nothing to fear here; it's just Beethoven decomposing."
gratus fermentatio
Well-Known Member
Ole, Lena, and little Ole went to the big City for the first time. They were walking down the street and looking in the windows of the big buildings. Little Ole spotted something that caught his eye and ran into a building. Big Ole and Lena followed him.
There they all stood in front of a shiny metal door that was cut into a wall of black marble. A chubby, elderly, gray haired lady walked up and pushed a button on the wall next to the door. The door opened and she walked into the little room behind the shiny door. The door closed and the numbers above the door counted up and then down again. The shiny doors opened and a beautiful, well built, young lady walked out.
Little Ole said, "What kind of machine is dat, Dad?"
Big Ole replied, "I don't know little Ole, but push dat button and shove your Ma in there."
The Mailman was making a delivery to Ole's house and noticed a Penguin walking around the side yard. After asking Ole where it came from and finding out that it just showed up a couple of days before, he told Ole that Penguins don't normally walk around Minnesota and maybe Ole should take him to the Zoo. Ole agreed with him and said he would do it this afternoon.
The next day while driving by Ole's the Mailman noticed the Penguin was still there. He stopped and said to Ole, " I thought you said you were going to take the Penguin to the Zoo yesterday."
Ole replied, "I did, and we had so much fun that dis afternoon we are going to a Twins game."
There they all stood in front of a shiny metal door that was cut into a wall of black marble. A chubby, elderly, gray haired lady walked up and pushed a button on the wall next to the door. The door opened and she walked into the little room behind the shiny door. The door closed and the numbers above the door counted up and then down again. The shiny doors opened and a beautiful, well built, young lady walked out.
Little Ole said, "What kind of machine is dat, Dad?"
Big Ole replied, "I don't know little Ole, but push dat button and shove your Ma in there."
The Mailman was making a delivery to Ole's house and noticed a Penguin walking around the side yard. After asking Ole where it came from and finding out that it just showed up a couple of days before, he told Ole that Penguins don't normally walk around Minnesota and maybe Ole should take him to the Zoo. Ole agreed with him and said he would do it this afternoon.
The next day while driving by Ole's the Mailman noticed the Penguin was still there. He stopped and said to Ole, " I thought you said you were going to take the Penguin to the Zoo yesterday."
Ole replied, "I did, and we had so much fun that dis afternoon we are going to a Twins game."
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