Jokes Dirty or otherwise
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Reminds me of the one where a nun walks in the petshop and picks up a parrot. The clerk says that she doesnt want the bird because it used to live in a bordello and has rather colorful language. She decided she could reform the bird and brought it home.
The bird started its cursing and she introduced it to her other parrot which was trained to recite scripture. After 15 minutes the scripture parrot flys out of the room in frustration and the foul mouthed (beaked?) parrot is still offering up services. In frustration the nun throws the parrot in the freezer and from the freezer comes all manner of shrieking and cursing for a few minutes then all goes silent.
Afraid she hurt the bird she opens the freezer door. The parrot steps out calmly and says in a very polite voice. "May I apologize for my behavior. It was uncalled for and I will strive to temper my language. May I ask though, what the chicken did?"
Another one for the birds
An older gentleman is riding the bus and sees this teenage punk kid who has multicolored hair, piercings, and an earring with a feather hanging from it. He is studying the kid for several minutes before the kid says "Hey old man! What are you staring at?"
the older man stops, thinks for a bit then says, "well, son. Back when I was younger and in the military I got really drunk one night and screwed a parrot. I was thinking maybe you was my son."
gratus fermentatio
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One day the teacher of a 2nd grade class was quizzing her students on the alphabet. "Who can give me a word that starts with 'A'?" Little Jonny raised his hand 1st, but the teacher called on Susie because Jonny had a foul mouth & she didn't want to give him a chance to spout profanity in the classroom.
"Apple starts with A." said Susie. The teacher went on with the quizzing, calling on everyone except little Jonny. It was clear that Jonny was getting quite frustrated that the teacher wasn't calling on him, even though he was always 1 st to raise his hand. By this time they were on the letter "R." The teacher thought hard & couldn't think of a single cuss word starting with "R," so she finally called on Jonny.
"Jonny, can you give us a word that starts with the letter R?" she said. Little Jonny thought about it for a couple seconds & then said "Rats, BIG fvcking rats, with d!cks this long!"
"Apple starts with A." said Susie. The teacher went on with the quizzing, calling on everyone except little Jonny. It was clear that Jonny was getting quite frustrated that the teacher wasn't calling on him, even though he was always 1 st to raise his hand. By this time they were on the letter "R." The teacher thought hard & couldn't think of a single cuss word starting with "R," so she finally called on Jonny.
"Jonny, can you give us a word that starts with the letter R?" she said. Little Jonny thought about it for a couple seconds & then said "Rats, BIG fvcking rats, with d!cks this long!"
And OSHA wants to know why there its no warning label on the glass. Their inspector is asking if the optimist, pessimist, engineer, and accountant have been trained on the potential hazards.
Sent from my DROID RAZR using Home Brew mobile app
The Homebrewer thinks, "That's not a proper beer glass!"
sloanfamilydsm
Well-Known Member
Meanwhile, the labor union is mandating wage increase with additional healthcare benefits to maintain satisfactory performance in the workplace, siting that the employee was being exploited and therefore causing unsafe working environment resulting in a glass that could not be properly filled without the correct safety protocols and proper supervision.
And the Government is taxing the glass as if it were full, because it could be.
Lawyers are suing someone because the glass isn't full enough, someone else because it's too full. Old guys are saying that the half glass held more when they were kids, but they couldn't afford it. Occupy Wall Street demands that someone fill the glass for them. Obama blames Bush. You can't call the glass "half empty" because that discriminates against the other half...
Lawyers are suing someone because the glass isn't full enough, someone else because it's too full. Old guys are saying that the half glass held more when they were kids, but they couldn't afford it. Occupy Wall Street demands that someone fill the glass for them. Obama blames Bush. You can't call the glass "half empty" because that discriminates against the other half...
TrainSafe said:
The lawyer denies having knowledge or information sufficient to form a belief as to the truth of the allegations concerning the contents, if any, of said glass, and puts the proponent of such allegations to his proof thereon, reserving any and all defenses, rights, and privileges existing under statutes, common law, equity, or otherwise.
roastquake
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Then a stoner in Denver drinks the water to cure his cottonmouth, making the glass 100% empty
sloanfamilydsm
Well-Known Member
Congress gets involved to end the dispute and pass a law stating how full the glass is, but after 32 weeks of deliberating were unable to make any comprimises because the republicans want it to be called emptyfull with the Obamacare care act being repealed, and the democrats want it to be called fullempty. After millions of dollars are spent on exploratory meetings congress is unable to do ANYTHING.
drainbamage
Keep HBT weird.
*Thread gets moved to the Debate Forum.*
fuzzy2133
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HBT members get fed up with such a trivial question and all agree the only good glass is a clean full one. Then travel to the "What are you drinking now thread."
NickTheGreat
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I've started just drinking straight from the tap. Cut out that stupid middle man glass
Teacher asks her class to use fascinate in a sentence.
Teacher calls on first girl to raise her hand
Girl says "We went to the zoo last week and the monkeys were fascinating "
Teacher says "very good but not what I was asking"
Calls on next kid to raise his hand says "We went to the aquarium and I was fascinated by the dolphins"
Teacher "Good but not quite right"
Finally she calls on Johnny who has been waving his hand.
He says "My sister has a new shirt with ten buttons but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight"
Teacher calls on first girl to raise her hand
Girl says "We went to the zoo last week and the monkeys were fascinating "
Teacher says "very good but not what I was asking"
Calls on next kid to raise his hand says "We went to the aquarium and I was fascinated by the dolphins"
Teacher "Good but not quite right"
Finally she calls on Johnny who has been waving his hand.
He says "My sister has a new shirt with ten buttons but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight"
One day the teacher of a 2nd grade class was quizzing her students on the alphabet. "Who can give me a word that starts with 'A'?" Little Jonny raised his hand 1st, but the teacher called on Susie because Jonny had a foul mouth & she didn't want to give him a chance to spout profanity in the classroom.
"Apple starts with A." said Susie. The teacher went on with the quizzing, calling on everyone except little Jonny. It was clear that Jonny was getting quite frustrated that the teacher wasn't calling on him, even though he was always 1 st to raise his hand. By this time they were on the letter "R." The teacher thought hard & couldn't think of a single cuss word starting with "R," so she finally called on Jonny.
"Jonny, can you give us a word that starts with the letter R?" she said. Little Jonny thought about it for a couple seconds & then said "Rats, BIG fvcking rats, with d!cks this long!"
A few days later, the teacher got to the letter "U". She again calls on Jonny.
"Urinate!", says Jonny.
"Well, that's fairly disgusting, Jonny, but I guess that's not a curse word. You're correct. 'Urinate' starts with 'U'."
"No, not urinate, like piss on the floor," says Jonny. "Urinate! But if your tits were bigger, you'd be a ten!"
You mean.... (warning, there is some foul language in this one)
[ame]http://youtu.be/fipQisc68dQ[/ame]
Why is the dirty little reprobate in class always "Johnny"?
Oh, never mind, I remember!
monkeyman1000
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My favorite joke of all time:
What is black, white and red and can't go through a revolving door?
A nun with a spear through her head.
What is black, white and red and can't go through a revolving door?
A nun with a spear through her head.
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Man in ICU with an oxygen mask over his face. Student nurse comes to give him a partial sponge bath. He asks, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Nurse says, " I'm sorry sir, I'm only here to do a partial sponge bath .. below the knees and above the waist." "But nurse, I just need to know if my testicles are black." Feeling sorry for him and understanding his need to know, the nurse peels back the covers, lifts his gown, moves his penis to the side, gently holds his ball sack for a moment, takes a close look, and is happy to report that everything down there is fine. No sign of problems. The man lifts the mask and says, "Nurse, that was very nice. Thank you. But listen carefully, are my test results back?"
Man walks into his house with a duck under his arm. He enters the room where his wife is sitting and says, "honey, this is the pig I've been fu@king". The wife replies, "that's no pig, you dummy". The man says, "I wasn't talking to YOU".
And the duck pecks his eyes out for cheating!Ridire said:
Joke is far better when told aloud, but...
An old man goes to his doctor and one of the tests the doctor has is to get a semen sample. The old guy asks the doctor if he can take it home and bring it back in and the doctor says ok. A couple days later the old man returns with the empty specimen bottle and says the following to the doctor. "I tried with my left hand and right hand. My wife tried with her left hand, right hand, teeth in and teeth out. My neightbor and her husband tried with their left hands, right hands, teeth in and teeth out and for the life of us we couldn't... get the lid off that damn bottle!"
And here is another joke.
What am I?
I am a common object enjoyed by both sexes, normally about 8 inches long, with little hairs on one end, and a hole on the other.
For most of the day I am laying down, but I am ready for instant action.
When in use, you move me back and forth and in and out a warm, moist hole.
When the work is finally done, a white, slushy, sticky mush is left behind, and I return to my original position.
Cleaning is usually done after I am.
What am I?
Why, I am your very own...Toothbrush! What were you thinking, you pervert?
An old man goes to his doctor and one of the tests the doctor has is to get a semen sample. The old guy asks the doctor if he can take it home and bring it back in and the doctor says ok. A couple days later the old man returns with the empty specimen bottle and says the following to the doctor. "I tried with my left hand and right hand. My wife tried with her left hand, right hand, teeth in and teeth out. My neightbor and her husband tried with their left hands, right hands, teeth in and teeth out and for the life of us we couldn't... get the lid off that damn bottle!"
And here is another joke.
What am I?
I am a common object enjoyed by both sexes, normally about 8 inches long, with little hairs on one end, and a hole on the other.
For most of the day I am laying down, but I am ready for instant action.
When in use, you move me back and forth and in and out a warm, moist hole.
When the work is finally done, a white, slushy, sticky mush is left behind, and I return to my original position.
Cleaning is usually done after I am.
What am I?
Why, I am your very own...Toothbrush! What were you thinking, you pervert?
kingboomer
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Back to little Johnny...
Little Johnny gets held after school one day. the teacher says "OK Johnny, I'm gonna try to describe something in my hand, and you can go if you guess what it is." Johnny replies "OK, let's see what you have." "OK Johnny, I have something in my hand, it's roundish, red, and it has a stem." Johnny immediately replies "It's an apple!" the teacher opens her hand and shows Johnny a cherry. "Close, but no dice" She says. Johnny's getting fed up so he says "OK teach, let's try this reversed. I have something in my hand that's 2 inches long and has a red tip!" "Oh my goodness Johnny, that's dirty!" Johnny opens his hand up and shows the teacher a match and says "Close teach, but no dice!"
Little Johnny gets held after school one day. the teacher says "OK Johnny, I'm gonna try to describe something in my hand, and you can go if you guess what it is." Johnny replies "OK, let's see what you have." "OK Johnny, I have something in my hand, it's roundish, red, and it has a stem." Johnny immediately replies "It's an apple!" the teacher opens her hand and shows Johnny a cherry. "Close, but no dice" She says. Johnny's getting fed up so he says "OK teach, let's try this reversed. I have something in my hand that's 2 inches long and has a red tip!" "Oh my goodness Johnny, that's dirty!" Johnny opens his hand up and shows the teacher a match and says "Close teach, but no dice!"
kingboomer
Well-Known Member
What do you call a black dude that flys airplanes?
A pilot ya F#@!%ng racist!!!
A pilot ya F#@!%ng racist!!!
zazbnf
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Ahhh little Johnny.
Little Johnny is sitting in class one day when the teacher announces show and tell. Johnny of course instantly raises his hand, however the teacher knowing it will be something vulgar calls on another student. This proceeds until there are 10 minutes left in class and Johnny is the only student left and the teacher has no option left and says, "ok Johnny, what do you have to share?" Johnny stands up and tells the class, " I was walkin to school today and saw this cat git his @ss run over by a train". The teacher immediately responds, "Johnny the correct word is rectum" Johnny looks and the teacher and replies, "rectum hell it kilt the m*therf*cker"
Little Johnny is sitting in class one day when the teacher announces show and tell. Johnny of course instantly raises his hand, however the teacher knowing it will be something vulgar calls on another student. This proceeds until there are 10 minutes left in class and Johnny is the only student left and the teacher has no option left and says, "ok Johnny, what do you have to share?" Johnny stands up and tells the class, " I was walkin to school today and saw this cat git his @ss run over by a train". The teacher immediately responds, "Johnny the correct word is rectum" Johnny looks and the teacher and replies, "rectum hell it kilt the m*therf*cker"
zazbnf
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An elementary school bus driver begins his rounds on Monday morning, picking kids up for school. Since many elementary school children are unable to read, they need symbols to identify the correct bus to take. This particular driver's bus was adorned with a picture of the Sesame Street characters Bert and Ernie.
At the first stop, the bus driver picks up an obese little girl named Patty.
At the second stop, the bus driver picks up another little girl named Patty. She, too, has a weight problem.
At the third stop, the bus driver picks up a Special Education student named Ross.
At the fourth stop, the bus driver picks up a boy named Stevie. Now, Stevie is very small for his age and a bit of a gross kid, as they ride along, Stevie removes his socks and shoes and begins to pick at the many bunions on his feet.
When they arrive at the elementary school, and all the kids get off the bus. At this point, the bus driver calls his wife, who asks him how his morning was. He replies, "Well today I had two obese Patties, special Ross, little Stevie pickin' bunions on a Sesame Street bus!"
At the first stop, the bus driver picks up an obese little girl named Patty.
At the second stop, the bus driver picks up another little girl named Patty. She, too, has a weight problem.
At the third stop, the bus driver picks up a Special Education student named Ross.
At the fourth stop, the bus driver picks up a boy named Stevie. Now, Stevie is very small for his age and a bit of a gross kid, as they ride along, Stevie removes his socks and shoes and begins to pick at the many bunions on his feet.
When they arrive at the elementary school, and all the kids get off the bus. At this point, the bus driver calls his wife, who asks him how his morning was. He replies, "Well today I had two obese Patties, special Ross, little Stevie pickin' bunions on a Sesame Street bus!"
You guys are awful!
Hey cutie, do you know the difference between a blow job and a roast beef sandwich?
No.
Wanna do lunch?
No.
Wanna do lunch?
How deep does a frog go into the water?
Knee-deep.
Knee-deep.
Quadriplegic on your doorstep?
Matt.
Quadriplegic hanging on the wall?
Art.
Quadriplegic in the pool?
Bob.
Quadriplegic behind a ski boat?
Skip.
Matt.
Quadriplegic hanging on the wall?
Art.
Quadriplegic in the pool?
Bob.
Quadriplegic behind a ski boat?
Skip.
Hamaki
Well-Known Member
What does a woman have in common with a screen door?
The more you bang 'em the looser they get.
The more you bang 'em the looser they get.
The disclaimer for this very tasteless joke goes without saying.
Jeannie: "Hey Dad, can I borrow the car keys?"
Dad: "Sure, but you know what you have to do."
Jeannie: "Aw c'mon Dad, really?"
Dad: "Yep, that's the rule."
Jeannie unzips her dad's pants and begins the terrible deed. Immediately she stops and exclaims "This tastes like ****!"
Dad: "Oh, I forgot, your brother has the car tonight."
(TxBrew, Yoop, if you find this joke unacceptable and choose to remove it, I understand and apologize. If you leave it, I appreciate your tolerance.)
Jeannie: "Hey Dad, can I borrow the car keys?"
Dad: "Sure, but you know what you have to do."
Jeannie: "Aw c'mon Dad, really?"
Dad: "Yep, that's the rule."
Jeannie unzips her dad's pants and begins the terrible deed. Immediately she stops and exclaims "This tastes like ****!"
Dad: "Oh, I forgot, your brother has the car tonight."
(TxBrew, Yoop, if you find this joke unacceptable and choose to remove it, I understand and apologize. If you leave it, I appreciate your tolerance.)
kingboomer
Well-Known Member
Didya hear about the polish man who hurt himself at the golf course?
He banged his head pretty good when he fell off of the ball washer.
He banged his head pretty good when he fell off of the ball washer.
Ah, golf jokes...
Three old guys are playing golf.
The first one sighs: "In the good ol' days, my shots were more accurate".
The second one goes: "Ye, and my drives were longer".
Third one: "Ah - stop complaining! Be grateful that you are on the right side of the grass!"
Three old guys are playing golf.
The first one sighs: "In the good ol' days, my shots were more accurate".
The second one goes: "Ye, and my drives were longer".
Third one: "Ah - stop complaining! Be grateful that you are on the right side of the grass!"
An engineer dies and goes to Heaven. Since he's good at what he does, he fixes up a number of things there - you know, leaking faucets, squeaking doors..
So the Devil sees that and gets very jealous.
He asks God if he can "borrow" the engineer for a couple of days for a bit of maintenance in Hell as well.
Sure enough, God lends him the engineer for a couple of days.
After a couple of days elapse, the God wants the engineer back. Devil doesn't want to let him go.
God gets furious and tells the Devil that he's gonna sue him.
Devil's like: "Ha! you don't have a single lawyer!!"
So the Devil sees that and gets very jealous.
He asks God if he can "borrow" the engineer for a couple of days for a bit of maintenance in Hell as well.
Sure enough, God lends him the engineer for a couple of days.
After a couple of days elapse, the God wants the engineer back. Devil doesn't want to let him go.
God gets furious and tells the Devil that he's gonna sue him.
Devil's like: "Ha! you don't have a single lawyer!!"
gratus fermentatio
Well-Known Member
Once upon a time, there was a rabbi who was sailing to Tahiti when a hurricane blew the ship way off course & shipwrecked the rabbi on an uncharted island.
The rabbi discovered a marvelous race of people on the island, who were only 4 inches tall & called themselves "Trids."
Life was interesting with the Trids & the rabbi would often help them in their efforts to build their miniature town. Then one day a monster came roaring out of the jungle and attacked the little town. The monster stomped on buildings & kicked the little people around like toys.
The rabbi helped the little people as best he could & life returned to normal for the little town, until one day, about a month after the attack, the same monster again came running out of the jungle & started kicking the little people around like toys again.
This time the rabbi kept his wits about him & confronted the monster. "Why do you attack these helpless people?" he asked the monster. The monster stopped & turned to the rabbi saying, "Silly rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"
The rabbi discovered a marvelous race of people on the island, who were only 4 inches tall & called themselves "Trids."
Life was interesting with the Trids & the rabbi would often help them in their efforts to build their miniature town. Then one day a monster came roaring out of the jungle and attacked the little town. The monster stomped on buildings & kicked the little people around like toys.
The rabbi helped the little people as best he could & life returned to normal for the little town, until one day, about a month after the attack, the same monster again came running out of the jungle & started kicking the little people around like toys again.
This time the rabbi kept his wits about him & confronted the monster. "Why do you attack these helpless people?" he asked the monster. The monster stopped & turned to the rabbi saying, "Silly rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"
maynardtl8
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Whats worse than a pile of dead babies?
A live one on the bottom trying to eat his way out.
A live one on the bottom trying to eat his way out.
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