Hey Parents!... Version 3.0 *Longwinded*

[CreamyGoodness]

Now that I am a parent myself, I have to return to a time-honored trope of mine... the fact that parents do and say weird stuff. I know people for the most part mean very well, but something seems to just... happen... to a person after they have parented a child for, say, 2 years. See below two sample interactions I have had, whilst walking in my neighborhood with SessionableGoodness (grocery shopping and the like) in his baby papoose, one with obviously childless people and the second with fellow parents. These are only very slightly exaggerated for effect... I have had both of these interactions at least 5 times each. Note that I have put my thoughts at the time in brackets [], the things I am too polite to say aloud.

Childless:

Her: "Oh, what a beautiful baby! What's his name!" [Innocent start, plus I feel a certain amount of pride in my minuscule contribution to my son's genetic makeup]
Me: "Thank you very much, I think so too! This is David!"
Her: "He looks so new!"
Me: Yes, he just got here in early July.
Her: "Aww! I'm Spatula and this is my boyfriend Rasputin, we live just down the block on 32nd" [I like this Spatula. Introduction, local credentials, indicators that Im not talking to a random lunatic but rather some neighbors. Also, Spatula is pretty hot. Hard not to notice"
Me: "Hi guys, I'm James, Im on <redacted>.
Her: Nice to meet you! We'll probably see you around again soon!

And thats that. Lovely interaction really. If I see them when I'm out with my wife, I'll be sure to introduce Spatula and Rasputin to her.

Now for the Parents.

Her: "Aww, he's beautiful! What's his name? About 2 months right?
Me: "Yeah exactly. Thanks I'm pretty fond of the guy"
Her: "I can see why! Are you a first time parent? [is it that obvious, lady?]
Me: "Yeah, never thought I'd be a dad"
Her: "Are you going to have another one." [Grrrr.... it begins]
Me: "No, I dont think so" [feel the energy of my curt reply]
Her, forging ahead much like Louis and Clark might have when confronted with a pack of marauding coyotes: "Is your wife breastfeeding? [...... right out of the gate you're bringing my wife's breasts into the conversation??]
Me: "Erm... well no... I... uh... Similac... I... uh...."
Her: "Yeah I know, breast milk is really best so you dont have to worry so much about disease [WHAT THE MERCIFUL RAT ****, LADY?!].
Me: "Well, we can't." *My eyes narrow here*
Her, oblivious: "Oh yeah thats a shame, my daughter has cystic fibroids on her milk glands and she has to get surgery [I cant believe this is happening], but I told her, when I was pregnant with you I was told by my doctor that all you need was formula, but that cant be true, you were in and out of the hospital as a kid [shoot me. just shoot me], and I had to have a lump removed from getting, yknow, backed up with milk [I have never before hated talking about the female breast. This is a terrible new awakening]...
Me: "It was sooo nice talking to you, but I really need to get home and make dinner [I'm lying, my wife is cooking tonight... you are a crazy lady]
Her: "Oh, ok then, have a great night! Tell your wife I said hello [I dont know your name and how do you know my wife. I need to go warn her she is in danger]. Bye Bye Baby David!"
Me: "Bye!... wait... I never told you my son's name...."

*sigh* it will pass.

 

[agrazela]

But you've only just scratched the surface of intrusive, holier-than-thou questioning about your family's birthing and child-rearing practices; for example:

Did your wife go all-natural / dula / mid-wife child birthing instead of [eek!] doctors hospitals and drugs?
If you are [gasp!] forcing diapers on your child, they are at least cloth diapers, right?
Did you opt to [shriek!] mutilate your son's penis?
Vaccinations?!? CHILD ABUSER!!!!!

 

[fuzzy2133]

Next person that starts asking about breast feeding just inform them you tried but apparently your milk has not com in yet.
Then share how those people responded and reacted. I got some of the best facial expressions that way.

 

[sweetcell]

we have twins, and its incredible how many people assume we did in vitro or some other fertility treatment to get them (we didn't - our twins are natural, and they're spectacular). folks seem very free to share their assumption with us and ask for the name of our fertility specialist... without ever confirming that we used one. talk about a f*cked up thing to just launch into with a stranger - how did you get our eggs fertilized?!?

 

[b-boy]

I'd just say it's not my kid. I found this stroller a few blocks back.

or

When she starts talking about breast feeding, stare intently at her chest and ask her the same questions.

 

[SharonaZamboni]

Look on the bright side, Creamy. Your wife probably gets all the birthing horror stories.
Or worse.

Me, shortly after returning to work after maternity leave: Hi!
Coworker: So when are you due?
Me: Two months ago. [PKU]
Coworker: Uh...Congratulations!!
Me:[Damn, I only gained sixty pounds with this one. :/] Thanks.

 

[mattd2]

Look on the bright side, Creamy. Your wife probably gets all the birthing horror stories.
Or worse.

Me, shortly after returning to work after maternity leave: Hi!
Coworker: So when are you due?
Me: Two months ago. [PKU]
Coworker: Uh...Congratulations!!
Me:[Damn, I only gained sixty pounds with this one. :/] Thanks.

Sorry but that was hilarious! I don't understand why people don't understand that if you are not 100% sure someone is pregnant (as in they just told you they are pregnant) don't ask them when they are due.

 

[Cyclman]

Understand. Father of twins, now eight. Wife did breastfeed, because I am a cheap ba$tard who refused to pay for expensive formula. But I HATE the evil "la leche" crowd. It's a cult, for sure. My kids had reflux, have terrible allergies, daughter is lactose intolerant. No other apparent benefits to BF, but I saved money which I probably ultimately blew on excessively blingy brewing crap.

The stupid questions, and the invasive questions. Are they identical? (No, jacka$$, they are a boy and a girl- I a few times said "except for the peni$). Did you take fertility drugs or have in vitro? (No, they "roto rootered" my wife's womb with dyed oil for a diagnostic test, preggo with twins three weeks later, just because you're asking). Now, they're older- are their personalities the same? (my son loves killing aliens in video games, my daughter wants the aliens to be her bff forever, so- No).

OTOH, my daughter leaves notes under my iPad "I love you daddy." And my son is the best gaming partner in the universe. Oh crap, now I am crying. It is an adventure, a high stakes adventure, but by far the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.

Oh yeah, I make damned good beer, a distant second blessing. Now, when they're older, we're smoking cigars together drinking a homebrewed Stranahan's barrel RIS, life gets no better. I can't wait, other than it is pretty good right now.

 

[Jaybird]

Next person that starts asking about breast feeding just inform them you tried but apparently your milk has not com in yet.

Or tell them, she is but none of is going to the baby. Your saving it for your morning coffee and cereal.

Cheers
Jay

 

[jhoneycutt]

You dont wanna meet my wife lol. Shell talk about all of that plus car seats, sleeping arrangements (her and I differ on this subject big time), and a bunch of other stuff. Love her anyway though.

 

[gratus fermentatio]

I knew this would be entertaining, so I went & got something to snack on whilst I read. I LOL'd.
I'm waiting for the book: Deep Thoughts by Creamygoodness
Regards, GF.

 

[Homercidal]

"Is your wife breastfeeding? [...... right out of the gate you're bringing my wife's breasts into the conversation??]

So tell us more about your wife's breasts!

 

[Melana]

My favorite is the harassment about having another. Mostly from older people that insist that you are raising your child all wrong when you opt to only have the one.

 

[backflowtech]

Just wait it gets better and worse, I have a girl {now 18 and in collage} down her in Florida. As she was growing up it wasn't bad. Just a few questions nothing painful. My Ex-wife left when my daughter was 4 years old. A year later got remarried and so far so good. It's easer to tell some one your divorced and remarried and leave it at that. I always told them I don't wont to talk about it and just walked away if I don't know the person. let them draw their one conclusions.

 

[kenoglass]

If you wind up being a stay at home dad like me you get even crazier questions.

Like "so your like the mom???? You take care if them?? You get them ready for school, bathe them and brush their hair??"

Me: yup I do all that only I am their dad.

And we do have twins, it was natural and they did get some breast milk as well.

 

[Auger]

Been there....I think its not so much the difference between parents/nonparents bu more the difference between crazy/non-crazy people (I've met plenty of non-parents who felt quite entitled to share their views of how I should raise my child with me, and vice versa, plenty of normal parents who just want to be left the heck alone by the crazies). Unfortunately there's no visual identifier, usually you find out once into the conversation and by then its too late.

 

[Goofynewfie]

My favorite is the harassment about having another. Mostly from older people that insist that you are raising your child all wrong when you opt to only have the one.

I know what you mean. I have 3 ( boy & 2girls) and I constantly get asked if we are having another so we can have 2 of each. Ummmm..... Hell no

 

[fuzzy2133]

I know what you mean. I have 3 ( boy & 2girls) and I constantly get asked if we are having another so we can have 2 of each. Ummmm..... Hell no

Did you run into the same situation as I did. The third one is the firecracker than convinced you 3 is enough?

Last time we were asked about a 4th the response was "No" and in stereo.

 

[kenoglass]

Did you run into the same situation as I did. The third one is the firecracker than convinced you 3 is enough?

Last time we were asked about a 4th the response was "No" and in stereo.

I got three girls. I always get, gonna have another see if it's a boy. I look like uh we just had twins...it is a positive no!!

 

[CreamyGoodness]

Not offensive, but odd one I got today. "Are you going to give him cod liver oil when he's old enough?"

I think its the first time I have heard those words in that sequence before...

 

[Melana]

Not offensive, but odd one I got today. "Are you going to give him cod liver oil when he's old enough?"

I think its the first time I have heard those words in that sequence before...

Help me out here... what does that mean?

 

[CreamyGoodness]

Help me out here... what does that mean?

According to this lady at work, adding cod-liver oil (literally, the oil extracted from a codfish's liver) to a baby's food or beverages is good for his immune system. I didnt even know that that was a thing.

 

[Ridire]

If you wind up being a stay at home dad like me you get even crazier questions.

Like "so your like the mom???? You take care if them?? You get them ready for school, bathe them and brush their hair??"

Me: yup I do all that only I am their dad.

And we do have twins, it was natural and they did get some breast milk as well.

 

[sweetcell]

According to this lady at work, adding cod-liver oil (literally, the oil extracted from a codfish's liver) to a baby's food or beverages is good for his immune system. I didnt even know that that was a thing.

being force-fed cod-liver oil is something our grandparents endured as kids. who the hell still feeds their kids that stuff??? do they still even sell it?!? i thought the cod fisheries collapsed years ago...

 

[Auger]

[ame]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vyocPX4k4y8[/ame]

 

[Goofynewfie]

Cod liver is still available, but seal oil or salmon is sometimes substituted. One of the reasons for taking it is for the omega 3 acids

 

[mattd2]

My favorite is the harassment about having another. Mostly from older people that insist that you are raising your child all wrong when you opt to only have the one.

Then there is the flips side - the ones who can't believe you would have more than 2 since how will you be able to give them enough love/attention/happiness

If you wind up being a stay at home dad like me you get even crazier questions.

Like "so your like the mom???? You take care if them?? You get them ready for school, bathe them and brush their hair??"

Me: yup I do all that only I am their dad.

And we do have twins, it was natural and they did get some breast milk as well.

Pretty insulting to both sexes to say "so your like the mom?" and (assuming this person has kids and a partner) what the hell is their partner doing. I work but I still get my kids ready for school, bathe them, brush their hair (badly though) when I can.

 

[JonM]

being force-fed cod-liver oil is something our grandparents endured as kids. who the hell still feeds their kids that stuff??? do they still even sell it?!? i thought the cod fisheries collapsed years ago...

That made me think of Grandpa Simpson when he thought Maggie was sick:

"Ohhh, you must be sick! Lets see, what's old doc Washburn prescribe? Do you have dropsy? The grip? Scrofula? The vapors? Jungle rot? Dandy fever? Poor man's gout? Housemaid's knee? Climatic boo bow? The staggers? Dum dum fever?"

 

[b-boy]

My grandmother was pretty old school about everything. She was a widow who's husband died young and she never remarried. Her house looked like a time capsule from the 1920s.

When we stayed with her she'd give my sister and I cod liver oil. Only had it afew times. This would have been late 1960s. Nasty stuff.

 

[betarhoalphadelta]

According to this lady at work, adding cod-liver oil (literally, the oil extracted from a codfish's liver) to a baby's food or beverages is good for his immune system. I didnt even know that that was a thing.

Crazy supplement people be crazy, yo!

Seriously, though, one of my sons is autistic, and my wife has had her ear caught by the "biomed" people. We give him cod liver oil among many other things... He does have a very limited diet (self-limited... he won't tough his non-preferred foods, which is a whole OTHER deal), so in some ways we are using the supplements to provide things he should, but isn't, getting in his diet.

 

[Zuljin]

Not offensive, but odd one I got today. "Are you going to give him cod liver oil when he's old enough?"

I think its the first time I have heard those words in that sequence before...

"No. I don't think that would be good for head retention." Then slap a nipple on a bottle of milk stout.

"We use honey for that." Then slap a nipple on a bottle of mead. But not that damn okra mead. That would be cruel.

 

[JonM]

Not offensive, but odd one I got today. "Are you going to give him cod liver oil when he's old enough?"



I think its the first time I have heard those words in that sequence before...

Ha. The question "Are you going to give him cod liver oil when he's old enough?" really means "I think you should give your kid cod liver oil and there is very little you can say in response to this question that will avoid a lecture on why."

 

[Homercidal]

Just go along with it:

Are you going to give him cod liver oil when he's old enough?

Certainly! And when he gets sick we will use leeches to suck out the poison.

 

[CreamyGoodness]

Cod liver oil lady, who is actually a pleasant person truth be told, had a litany of questions. What brand of formula? Which brand of diapers? Are you going to buy baby food in a jar (answer: probably will wind up doing that, yes, but for the most part I plan on making my own.)

Maybe she was dropping the hint that there is a lot to think of with a new baby... as if I could ever forget.

 

[b-boy]

Cod liver oil lady, who is actually a pleasant person truth be told, had a litany of questions. What brand of formula? Which brand of diapers? Are you going to buy baby food in a jar (answer: probably will wind up doing that, yes, but for the most part I plan on making my own.)

Maybe she was dropping the hint that there is a lot to think of with a new baby... as if I could ever forget.

Keep an eye on here. She might be collecting information so she can call CPS later.

Sounds like she's been watching you.

 

[JonM]

And she's gossiping to the other mommies. "ZOMG! Can you BELIEVE that the CreamyGoodness family uses XYZ brand diapers? Haven't they heard that XYZ brand puts mercury, lead, arsenic, and the tears of abandoned puppies in their diapers, and that XYZ Corp directly funds al Qaeda?"

 

[DrunkleJon]

Next person that starts asking about breast feeding just inform them you tried but apparently your milk has not com in yet.
Then share how those people responded and reacted. I got some of the best facial expressions that way.

I woulda said "we tried, but he kept getting hairs stuck in his throat and he always bruised my nipples. We both agreed to switch to forumla and he is much happier"

 

[evanmars]

Yeah, it's bad enough when they ask all sorts of personal questions after the kid is born, but what really got me was how people would just come up and start touching my wife's belly when she was pregnant. Doesn't matter if we knew them or not.
Then the questions...

 

[JonM]

I saw a funny list of the top ten best responses when someone wants to rub a pregnant woman's belly. It went something like:

10: No.
9: No.
8: Hell no.
7: No.
6: Don't do that please.
5: No.
4: No!

Et cetera.

 

[DrunkleJon]

That 'Et cetera' one gets em every time.