Grandfather

[bernerbrau]

To start, this is really just an "off-the-chest" post, dealing with the inevitable.

My grandpa's been battling with melanoma, and we've seen this day coming for well over a year. Last fall they found that it had metastasized and spread to his brain and at the time they were giving him weeks to live. He was always pretty stubborn

I grew up minutes away from my grandparents, but he was always very strict and judgmental and I never got along with him. I lived in their house for a few months after college while I was trying to get on my feet, and he and I were constantly fighting... which eventually led to me moving out. We never really made amends... he sent me a letter of apology but I never responded. Didn't know what to say. Of course we saw each other since, and spoke curtly, but the bridge was never really rebuilt. Water under the bridge now.

After the cancer started affecting his brain, his personality did a complete 180 and he turned into this charming, sweet old man. We got to see this side of him a couple times when we went to visit after we got the news that he didn't have long. His memory was affected to the point that he knew we had had a falling out but couldn't remember why.

Well now he's lost the ability to swallow food, and the hospice cannot install a feeding tube; they can only alleviate symptoms and help him pass peacefully.

He just turned 92 a couple weeks ago. This will be my second grandparent we've lost to cancer. Last time it was my dad's dad, in his 70's.

So as you can imagine I'm experiencing a real mixed bag of sadness, detachment, regret, etc.

Love your relatives, guys. You think they'll be around forever but eventually everyone's number comes up.

I'm not really a "prayers" kind of guy, don't really believe in that stuff, but thoughts and words of encouragement are welcome.

 

[Hugh_Jass]

My father would have been 75 today. There's a whole lot I wish I'd have said and a whole lot I wish I hadn't......Now I focus on the good times and positive memories.

Here's to wishing you get some sort of amicable resolution with your situation.

 

[bernerbrau]

My dad's dad passed at about 75, in 2007. Small cell carcinoma. They found the cancer and he was gone in a couple months.

I never really grieved. Sure I was sad for a while, but eventually it passed. I never really experienced a deep sense of loss.

With this grandfather being so much older, and his passing being so much less sudden, and me never really having gotten along with him... it's weird that my reaction would be so much more deep and personal.

 

[aiptasia]

My respective grandfathers both died before I had much of a chance to get to know them. My father's-father died when I was six months old from a heart attack. My mother's-father died when I was seven from a stroke. I don't remember much of my grandfathers but I wish i'd know them, even if it was perceived as strict, negative and not idyllic.

IMHO, count your blessings and cherish the good memories you have of your grandpa. He wanted to make amends when he still had his faculties, so it sounds like he wanted to mend a few bridges with you. He loves you, and will be around to watch over you and your family long after he passes into the next realm.

 

[bernerbrau]

My one living great grandma (mom's mom's stepmom) died when I was 12. I never met her. She lived out in Fresno and we didn't get out west much. Furthest I made it growing up was Colorado.

Had the opportunity to go visit her once when I was 6, but I chose to stay home instead and play video games. Why my parents gave me that option, I'll never know.

Dunno what the point is. Just getting nostalgic I guess.

 

[bernerbrau]

I think knowing it's inevitable and waiting to hear the news is the hardest part.

 

[Bedlam]

With this grandfather being so much older, and his passing being so much less sudden, and me never really having gotten along with him... it's weird that my reaction would be so much more deep and personal.

That's perfectly natural, actually. It is the relationships that are most conflicted that result in an altered grief reaction. You aren't sure how you are "supposed" to feel and so it goofs stuff up.

It might help to think of it this way: (I know you aren't religious, so i'm not going there...just a framework to work within...): Think of your granddad as a guy who, for whatever reasons, wasn't able to be the person he was meant to be. He never got to be that "higher" self in his younger years, but maybe the cancer has helped him get there somehow...maybe stripped away some of the barriers/fears. Enjoy what you can now and maybe think that this amicable fellow is the person he was supposed to be, inside, the whole while.

If it doesn't help, I'm sorry. Just go have a beer and forget what I said. Meanwhile, I'm thinking about you and sending some postive thoughts your way.

 

[bernerbrau]

That's perfectly natural, actually. It is the relationships that are most conflicted that result in an altered grief reaction. You aren't sure how you are "supposed" to feel and so it goofs stuff up.

It might help to think of it this way: (I know you aren't religious, so i'm not going there...just a framework to work within...): Think of your granddad as a guy who, for whatever reasons, wasn't able to be the person he was meant to be. He never got to be that "higher" self in his younger years, but maybe the cancer has helped him get there somehow...maybe stripped away some of the barriers/fears. Enjoy what you can now and maybe think that this amicable fellow is the person he was supposed to be, inside, the whole while.

If it doesn't help, I'm sorry. Just go have a beer and forget what I said. Meanwhile, I'm thinking about you and sending some postive thoughts your way.

For most of their lives, he and my grandmother worked as full-time physicians, as well as missionaries in the middle east.

I know he had a lot of emotional issues. He was negative for Huntington's, but his father and both his siblings had it. He didn't know he was negative until after he had children, so he lived several years fearing that he had irresponsibly passed a debilitating and painful disorder on to his children.

It really explains a lot of the abrasive behavior, the aloofness, the religious devotion and the pouring himself into his work the way he did.

Honestly I think the cancer in some twisted way helped him out before killing him, attacking his emotional hangups first so his kindness and compassion could finally come through to his family. I still lean on the side of medical coincidence, but it's still lucky that we got to know that side of him before he went.

 

[bernerbrau]

I do appreciate all the comments, btw. Being able to talk about it is helpful.

 

[Homercidal]

Things like that can make a person start to think about who they are and what they've done. It's hard for some people to open up and admit they have feelings.

I wouldn't let the differences get you down too much. No matter how you think o fit, things are better now.

This kind of thing always reminds me of the song, The Living Years, by Mike and the Mechanics. Here is a sample:

Every generation
Blames the one before
And all of their frustrations
Come beating on your door

Crumpled bits of paper
Filled with imperfect thought
Stilted conversations
I'm afraid that's all we've got

So we open up a quarrel
Between the present and the past
We only sacrifice the future
It's the bitterness that lasts

So don't yield to the fortunes
You sometimes see as fate
It may have a new perspective
On a different day

And if you don't give up,
And don't give in
You may just be OK

I wasn't there that morning
When my father passed away
I didn't get to tell him
All the things I had to say.

I think I caught his spirit
Later that same year
I'm sure I heard his echo
In my baby's new born tears

I just wish I could have told him
In the living years

 

[bernerbrau]

Just got word that he's got pneumonia now. When my dad's dad got pneumonia it was a matter of hours.

 

[bob1852]

Best wishes to ya and your family, brownie.

I hope you can cherish the positive memories with your g'pa's, I know I do (lost first in 1983 and second in 1994).

 

[bernerbrau]

He passed away at 11:20 last night. They will be giving him a private burial. The memorial service is in a few weeks when the whole family can be there.

 

[TxBrew]

He passed away at 11:20 last night. They will be giving him a private burial. The memorial service is in a few weeks when the whole family can be there.

I'm very sorry to hear that. My Grandparents were always very special to me and I feel for your loss.

I wish the best for you and your family.

 

[bernerbrau]

Grandpa's Obituary.

Remarkable man.

 

[bernerbrau]

Thanks everyone for your kind thoughts. I'm jumping on a plane to Chicago to be with the family in about 3 hours.

 

[TxBrew]

Wow, he was a busy man.

Thanks for sharing the Obit.

 

[Bithead]

Thanks for sharing his obit. He was quite a man.