Gonna have a baby, is my life over

[MrE_the_Great]

I'm late to the party and don't have anything more valuable to add than what's already been said. But I do have these two pictures from a recent 24-Hour brew day I completed. (YES...24 hours brewing 3:00 am to 3:08 am next day)

I have an understanding SWMBO who should be sainted...but otherwise...

Younger son helping mix grain during conditioning.

Older son opening and sanitizing airlocks.

They both LOVE to help...and I LOVE brewing with them more than before they were around.

 

[mwfripp]

Regarding sex, you and your lady need to make sure that you're making time for each other (and not just sex, though it's equally important). Believe me, there will be days that you will both be exhausted, and all you'll want to do is cuddle in bed and zone out to Netflix. Embrace it. it's YOUR time.

I couldnt've of said it better. I'm a father of a 3 and 6 year old. Shortly after my son was born I got divorced. I attribute a large portion to not staying connected to my ex. One other piece of advice. Don't forget your "me" time. Keep finding pieces of time to take and be you, ask the mrs to help but remember to give her a chance for some time. Force her to because she won't want to, she'll just want to be with the baby. Congrats.

 

[Eichler]

As an expectant father (due in July) I really appreciate the dads and brewers who are taking time out to give thoughtful and helpful responses. Like OP, I'm a little anxious and more than a little excited all knowing our lives are about to go sideways and yet grow in a big big way.

 

[Hello]

You're going to be a dad and you ask if your life is over? Sure, things change, but seriously, having a kid and being a dad has got to be pretty rad. I know a ton of people with kids who do a lot of great things, even brew. I think if someone were to tell me my life were over if I was going to be a parent then I would tell them they're stupid and far from the quality of friend I want to have.

 

[GilaMinumBeer]

How many of your wives raise the kid 80% of the time?

Only the ones getting alimony.

For us there is no percentage. We share the responsibility equally and share all of the load. If she cooks, I clean. If she washes, I fold. She mows the front yard, I mow the back yard. She wrecks the cars, I fix the cars. She washes the dishes, I dry them and put them away. I bathe the kids, she dries them and puts them away.

Tit for tat with everything, everyday. Been married 19 years now. Had a child for the last 9 of them.

 

[MrE_the_Great]

Only the ones getting alimony.

For us there is no percentage. We share the responsibility equally and share all of the load. If she cooks, I clean. If she washes, I fold. She mows the front yard, I mow the back yard. She wrecks the cars, I fix the cars. She washes the dishes, I dry them and put them away. I bathe the kids, she dries them and puts them away.

Tit for tat with everything, everyday. Been married 19 years now. Had a child for the last 9 of them.

Same...my wife is a stay at home mom, but that doesn't mean I'm not involved with the kids. I'm heavily involved from when I get home from work through bath time...then she puts one to bed while I put the other down. We try to listen to each other's needs and step up when the other needs some alone time or time to pursue a hobby. Perhaps the most important thing, however, is that we spend each evening before bed together...netflix or other fun bedtime things...just something each day for us as a couple.

Married 10 years, kids for just shy of 4

 

[GilaMinumBeer]

We did the same when the boys were babys. If she got up in the middle of the night, I got up too. While I was checking the diaper, she was preparing her boob. Or while she was changing the diaper, I was warming the milk. She fed the boy, I'd burp him and swaddle him. Then she'd put him back into the crib.

I can't even begin to explain how immensely important it is to share the load, nor can I even begin to explain the intense impact it has on your relationship.

But I can tell you that if done right, lack of sex will not be an issue.

 

[fatherdan]

"is my life over"?

do you need a hug? be a man and man up!! (sarcasm)

some of the best advice your ever gonna get is on a brewing forum. (still sarcasm)

I convinced my wife after the 7th child that a 50gall Ketttle is an excellent bathtub for newborns. (all sarcasm except the 7th child part)

As long as your thinking is not Neanderthal and you treat the mother as an equal things change but are not 'over'.

 

[GilaMinumBeer]

"is my life over"?

do you need a hug? be a man and man up!! (sarcasm)

some of the best advice your ever gonna get is on a brewing forum. (still sarcasm)

I convinced my wife after the 7th child that a 50gall Ketttle is an excellent bathtub for newborns. (all sarcasm except the 7th child part)

As long as your thinking is not Neanderthal and you treat the mother as an equal things change but are not 'over'.

7?!?

We'll, we know the sex didn't end for you.

And here I thought us going for a third was extreme. But, then again, I am no 30 something anymore either.

 

[Aristotelian]

Only the ones getting alimony.

For us there is no percentage. We share the responsibility equally and share all of the load. If she cooks, I clean. If she washes, I fold. She mows the front yard, I mow the back yard. She wrecks the cars, I fix the cars. She washes the dishes, I dry them and put them away. I bathe the kids, she dries them and puts them away.

Tit for tat with everything, everyday. Been married 19 years now. Had a child for the last 9 of them.

The part about the cars does not seem quite fair.

 

[GilaMinumBeer]

The part about the cars does not seem quite fair.

Where she puts the kids after they are dry is what really concerns me.

 

[betarhoalphadelta]

Well, to be fair, it is a pretty inane question that's been asked a million times. The question you need to answer is, "what type of dad are you going to be?"

A really crappy dad that values his own hobbies and desires over that of his family? Your life won't change that much, other than the child support payments.

A really good dad that values the upbringing of his child over his own desires? Yes, your life will change a lot, mostly for the better. You won't get to do many 100k bike rides, but you won't really miss them that much. But it's easy to get burned out, hanging out with a small dictator that demands constant attention and care. You're going to have to figure out the proper balance between fatherhood and personhood. Just like every other dad has had to figure out for themselves.

I know what you're saying here, that if you put everything else in life ahead of your kids you'll end up losing them, losing the marriage, etc. And it would be deserved for having terrible priorities.

But I do want to point out that it's possible to be a wonderful father and still make child support payments... I'm about to start doing it. I've been a good father to them their entire lives. That's not going to change based on the fact that we'll be sharing custody.

It will mean that I'll only have my kids 40% of the time. But I plan to make that 40% worthwhile. It's not their fault that their parents can't be married. I'm going to try to be better for that 40% than I even was 100% before, because I'm going to miss them the other 60% of the time.

 

[mwfripp]

well said as I sit here with my two kids who I just picked up from their mom's house and am so stoked to be with them. Makes the ****ty day at work seem like forever ago

 

[jrgtr42]

My little guy is 10.5 months old.
Don't expect everything to be exactly the same from day one, but with some modifications, (and deft negotiations with SWMBO) you can still do most things you do now. Don't expect to go out with your friends any old time, just because it's Tuesday, or head out for a century ride, or brew every week.
At first, at least, you'll need to be around most times, yes, she is the one who the little one will be glued to at the chestal region for about half the day, but you'll need to pick up slack. Diapers, cooking, cleaning and so forth, again, at least for the beginning.
As the kid gets older and not eating every couple hours, you can start bringing things back into play.
HEading out for all-day bike rides: not such a good idea. Heading out for a quick hour or 2 ride, not bad. Depending on your brew rig, you may be able to keep going depending on timing and so forth.
Long story short, for the first few months, everything's about the baby. Once s/he starts sleeping through the night (most times) and eating real food, you can once again bring your personality towards the front. Don't get me wrong, until they can actually walk, talk, feed and dress themselves (not to mention going to the bathroom alone) you're going to be beholden to the kid to a greater or lesser degree.