An overwhelming feeling of suck

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klcramer

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I don't vent much and most of you don't know much about me or my life. I just need to vent for a few. I am 37 years old and my life seems to have hit a point and I don't quite know how to feel. My kids are from my first marriage and I have custody of them. They visit their mother 2 evenings a week and every other weekend. Their mother has a huge cloud of stupid that just hangs over her. My oldest daughter just got her drivers license and is planning on going off to college next year. My kids don't want to visit their mother but according to the courts here in PA I have no choice but to make them go until they are 18. I hate my job. I work as a nurses aide on the psych floor at the hospital near home. My house needs the fence around the back yard replaced and all the windows are crap. My wife who I have been married to for 10 years wants to take one last big family vacation before the oldest leaves for college. She wants to go to California next spring. How am I supposed to fix the fence, replace the windows, pay a vacation, get my daughter a car and keep my sanity? Kayla (my oldest daughter) cannot get a job because she has way to much homework so I am paying for her insurance and gas money. There isn't enough money to go around. I don't think that money is the only issue. I am not ready for my kids to be growing up and leaving home. My wife and I work different shifts. She loves her job, often times I think the job is more important than I am. This is something I have been dealing with for years and will most likely never be resolved. I am afraid when my kids are gone I will just be alone with my dog. He's getting old also so I am afraid I will be alone. How do people deal with these things as I know I am not the only one that has been through this. Is this my midlife crisis?
Thanks for listening.
 
Wow. 37 and already feeling empty nest syndrome?

The good thing is that you're looking at being kid free (at least at home all the time) by 40. That's still an early age to live life. It's not like you're 60 and confined to doing "old people" things like going on cruises and playing shuffleboard.

The good news is you'll have plenty of time for brewing!

The down side - maybe now's the time in your life where you decide to what kind of person you want to be. Do you want to be the kind that is constantly fixing up fences and trying to keep up with the neighbors, or do you want to live happy and do what you want?

I'm single, so it's easier for me, but I'm at a point in life where I'm looking for something small, give up on cable, minimize my costs, and learn to enjoy my life instead of spending all my time working (either at a job, or just trying to keep up with house projects).

My father will be a man who will die because every moment of his life is spent working somehow. Never just sits down on a Sunday to watch football. I will not go out like that.

Of course, your other option is to just get a second job (since the wife is already away at that time anyways) and work your butt off to pay for everything.
 
Well, we're here for you. I would really encourage you to call the EAP number at work, and talk to a professional who can help you sort out all of these issues.

The only advice I can give is pretty small. First, making excuses that your daughter "can't work because she has too much homework" is probably just an excuse. I mean, I had two teenagers and they had very little homework unless they chose to not do it in school. Sure, there is some, but not 6-7 hours a night. Every kid can earn a few bucks for small things, like toiletries if not enough for car insurance. If she's got 8 hours of homework a night, you need to find out what the heck is going on. Otherwise, "homework" can entail internet, chat rooms, cellphones, etc. Not that I think every kid should not have fun things, but I think working is a good thing for kids, even if it's babysitting. Money and time management lessons abound with work, as well as how to get along with people.

As far as your money issues, that's tough. We're really tight with our money so we don't have any unnecessary expenses. We don't have cell phones, satellite TV, etc, so we can always take nice trips if we want. It comes down to priorities. You and your wife have to seriously talk about the money stuff. We do ok because we are both frugal, and don't have any disagreements about money. I do know that it's a huge cause of problems in relationships.
 
I'm a little concerned you're not really venting, but at a serious crossroads and may need someone professional to talk to. My venting is usually a little more angry, short lived, less empathetic, more agressive and sounds like "I'm tired of so and so doing xxXx because he/she is a total ****ing retard that doesn't understand how to run a business...." or something similar :D. I'm kind of in the the same boat as jezter in that I'm single because I do see all the crap by dad and brother go through and I would never do that to myself. Sounds selfish, but I take care of #1 (me) first. I will say however, in my last year of college, I completed 68 credits in 3 quarters, working 25-28 hours a week with all A's and one B (damn accounting II). I guess that's my way of saying kids can work while going to school. The fence, maybe it can wait a year or two, or maybe you can just repair some sections. The windows -doing them yourself can save tons of money, or maybe they can wait. A big vaca? - Maybe stay local and go camping or something with the kids for a few days. My family never had money for vacations when I was a kid, but when we went, what I do remember while being on a one or two day trip with my family is laughing and having a good time with my family more than I do the places we were at. I wish you the best of luck!
 
Sorry you're going through it. I've been feeling about the same about my job lately so at least I know how that feels. I agree that maybe you should push a bit harder for your kids to have a job. My parents didn't make me work much when I was young and now, in retrospect, I wish they had.
 
If your wife and you are on different shifts, then maybe this vacation is for more than a last hurrah for the child. Consider your wife's intentions and see if there is anything more than a family get-together.

That said, unless you have trouble keeping the dog in the yard, the fence is not more important than some quality family time IMO.

And I appreciate what you are doing for the oldest by helping her get good grades and focus on getting as much help as possible for college, but IMO you also need to balance that out with learning how to work for what you get (she is earning this by working for her grades to some degree). I agree with Yoop. There is a likelyhood that your daughter can do all of her homework and still have time left over for doing some small part-time jobs. But we can' sit here and say for sure, because everyone has a different degree of aptitude and hence might require more time than others to do their work. And some teachers really like to pour it on.

Case in point, my daughter is working towards all As. She is also in band and participates in those activities after school. And she takes 3 dance classes, which is several hours each week. Frankly, something would probably have to give if and when she starts working a part time job. Which she will have to do when she gets a DL and has to pay for gas and insurance.

Yes there are things that need to get done around the house. Nothing as important as raising the kids and enjoying family time together though. And I could NOT work separate shift from my wife again. (Unless I HAD to).
 
Things change, they have to, just ride the wave and see where it takes you. Worrying about it only compounds the stress, and makes you react poorly.

There's always tomorrow.
 
I'm 23 and have zero input on the subject, but I'd grow my hair out, get my ear pierced and buy a Corvette convertable.....just sayin'.
 
Thanks to everyone for their input. Really thank you. There is much more to this story and I think many of you are correct that I may need a therapist. I'm okay with that. My daughter getting a job is something I am struggeling with simply because she is in all honors classes and has a big work load. I think the biggest thing is that when my first daughter was born I wasn't sure if she was mine. Still not 100 percent sure. I don't really care about DNA because she has called me dad from the beginning and I dont want to hear that is isn't mine. I would be crushed. I knew when she was born that with the kind of family my ex came from without me that kid didn't stand a chance. I put my life on hold to make sure she would be okay. Now I realize my life wasn't on hold but it changed completely. I'm not sure what my life will be like when the kids don't need me to hold their hand.
 
Sounds to me like you're a pretty standup dude that is completely selfless. I think you just need to embrace this time before your Daughter goes away to school, and just really make the most of it. Once she's gone I think you will learn to appreciate more me time and will get used to the idea of not being needed. The least of your worries should be Windows and Fences. I can appreciate the feeling like those things need to be done, and sometimes it seems like they should be the priority. I own a piece of land with Horses on it and I constantly have work to do, but when things get to hectic and Money is tight that all gets put on the back burner, that's just the way it has to be. And your not too old for a Career change either, my wife is in the middle of one now(She's 37 as well), it's not easy but it will be worth it. Your in the right field, sounds like you just need to find something that really sparks your interest. Hope that helps a little.
 
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. The windows and fences can wait as long as they have to. If they aren't costing you money (higher heating bills) then let them go until you have to.

Spend the time with the family. You'll regret it when they're gone if you don't. Help your daughter. You decide what that means. If you think she's a hard worker, then you're probably doing the right thing. If you think she's a little on the lazy side, time to get a job and start standing on your own right now. Only you can decide what the right answer is.

Start getting some "me" time. Take your beloved dog for a walk on a daily basis, watch a favorite TV show that can only be interrupted by an emergency, have a weekly brew session that you get left alone for a few hours. Whatever. You give a lot to your family and you need to get some time back. If for no other reason than to start getting yourself adjusted to the "alone" time that you see as imminent. You already have one hobby (beer), do you have any old hobbies that you might be interested in reviving?

As for work, meh. You don't have to love what you do for a living to have a fulfilling life. I believe there are fewer people who love their job than who don't. Your wife is one of the lucky ones, you and I are not, IMHO. Do what you need to do at work to have a fulfilling life at home. After a lot of frustration and heartbreak, I stopped trying to find fulfillment at work a few years ago and it has been a great decision for me. I rarely get stressed out at work, which means that I don't bring it home to the family any more, and that alone has greatly improved my relationship with my kids.
 
Yooper_Brew said:
The only advice I can give is pretty small. First, making excuses that your daughter "can't work because she has too much homework" is probably just an excuse. I mean, I had two teenagers and they had very little homework unless they chose to not do it in school. Sure, there is some, but not 6-7 hours a night. Every kid can earn a few bucks for small things, like toiletries if not enough for car insurance. If she's got 8 hours of homework a night, you need to find out what the heck is going on. Otherwise, "homework" can entail internet, chat rooms, cellphones, etc. Not that I think every kid should not have fun things, but I think working is a good thing for kids, even if it's babysitting. Money and time management lessons abound with work, as well as how to get along with people.
Click to expand...

+1. I'm 22, and it wasn't long ago that I was in high school. I maintained a steady job from the time I could legally work (and even before, mowing lawns) until I got the full time job I work now.

The only time I didn't have a job was when I couldn't find one. Teenagers have no motivation to work if you give them everything. Stop paying for her cell phone / gas and see how quickly she's able to find time to work.

Just my .02 cents. Also, I would definitely advise seeing someone who might help with your depressed feelings.
 
IMHO, here's what I would do. First, have a beer. Second, you and your current wife need some couple counseling. My wife and I did it and it helps a lot. Third, wait on the fence and widows and take the family on vacation. With your oldest moving out, spend some time with her. Don't worry if the DNA doesn't match. Remember: any dick and be a father, but it takes someone special to be called "daddy". Finally, take the household chores one day at a time. As you fix one piece of the house, another will appear to keep you busy. But, a broken family is MUCH harder to repair. I've been married 22+ years and I hope this helps.
 
Thanks to everyone. I am listening and your input is appreciated. I'm sure things will get better soon.
 
Stress-induced depression. Brother, you're not the only one.

One thing that can help a lot is a good therapeutic exercise routine. I like to run. There is no better way to dump the stress.

California vacation is a great idea. Fence can wait. San Francisco (and north of there) is absolutely beautiful. Expensive getting there, tho, so you have to weigh that vs. car for kid. Maybe you can hit up a relative somewhere for a used Camry for her.

You are in a rut, so break out. Try something uncharacteristic, like wearing tennis shoes to work, or getting an earing (yech, but whatever). Break out of the rut. Do something spontaneous like taking your family on a picnic, or paint a room red (done that myself). Just get out of the rut.
 
Learn to enjoy the little things in life. There will always be big issues. Always. That is why you need to take pleasure in the small things. A kiss. A hug. A great homebrew. Good luck.
 
Oh yea, I don't know why i didn't think of this, I keep a copy of this in my car and look at it all the time (to the point where I could probably recite it from memory). I don't know why it has helped me, but if anyone else can use it, great. Sorry for the long post.


Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
 
jbrookeiv said:
+1. I'm 22, and it wasn't long ago that I was in high school. I maintained a steady job from the time I could legally work (and even before, mowing lawns) until I got the full time job I work now.

The only time I didn't have a job was when I couldn't find one. Teenagers have no motivation to work if you give them everything. Stop paying for her cell phone / gas and see how quickly she's able to find time to work.

Just my .02 cents. Also, I would definitely advise seeing someone who might help with your depressed feelings.
Click to expand...

+100k

Hope you can get things worked out.
 
I second the thought of calling your EAP and setting up an appointment with a therapist. This sounds like it has been simmering for a while and is unlikely to get better by ignoring it or just hoping it will get better.

It also sounds like you have offspring you can be proud of, so obviously you've been doing something right. You are anticipating a role change, and there really is a good chance you can come around to where you can look forward to the next phase of your life, but you might need a little help.

Good thoughts/prayers headed your way!
 
I also would suggest finding a professional to talk to. Even when I don't "solve" anything in those sessions, it does help me feel better to talk to someone who has absolutely no stake whatsoever in my decisions. She simply listens, and asks questions.

When I was a teenager I was really angry with my parents for making me get a job if I wanted to drive, buy my own clothes, go to concerts with my friends. While my life didn't quite turn out the way I expected it would back then, I am grateful for the work ethic that embedded into my core. I never expected to get anything from anyone, and anything I want in life I understand I'm going to have to work for (or do without).

Don't be afraid to make decisions your kids might not agree with and/or like. I watch my boyfriend struggle with this, with his 14 year old daughter. She doesn't really have a appreciation for how much "stuff" costs. She's lost cell phones, cameras, and I have a sinking feeling she's lost her iPod too. She lives with her mom who is a bit of a dingbat, and has put her old man on the "pay no mind to" list because she'd rather hang out with her friends on the weekends than go stay with her dad. He's a pushover when it comes to her because he despirately wants her to stay "daddy's little girl"- so if there's something she wants he (at least up until recently) was prone to just get it for her. She's a good kid, but it really does mess with my boyfriend's head that his "little girl" is growing up.

Find ways to reconnect with your wife, make time for yourself and your hobbies, and don't keep this stuff bottled inside. It's the psychological bricks you carry around that cause all sorts of health problems.

Hang in there. One thing is certain, life is all about change.
 
I have to give you a lot of respect. I know how crappy a CNA job is and how little you get paid. You sound like a stand up guy with your priorities in order.

I think your biggest problem is your income. Can either of you all switch shifts? Do you pay or receive child support? Is it time for it to be adjusted? Is it time for a career change?

As for your oldest- as a 23y/o, I'm sure she isn't doing homework 24/7. Honestly, as a 2x college grad, high school doesn't mean much at all, unless your looking at elite schools or are lucky enough to be in a competitive running for a scholarship. If she is doing well and you want to establish those hard working school traits, good for you. Personally, I'd have her pick up a few hours a week to cover gas dough. Yea, she'll be making $hit, but hopefully it could help her land a job in college too. In high school, I was able to play on a school sports team that practiced 3 days a week, work out every day, played games on the weekend and work 16ish hours a week plus reff 3-10 games of the sport I was playing (there is great money in that for students!!) and still have time to date and plenty left over for school.

There is no way I would be taking a lavish vacation- that's just a woman being a woman :p Spend spend spend.

I also have a dog that is about to go. It sucks man!
 

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