Owly055
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Feb 28, 2014
- Messages
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I regret to inform all my friends that I passed from this vale of tears this afternoon....... It was sudden, as it was unexpected..... and contrary to my expectations, I ended up in a much worst place........ Homebrew Hell. I met St Peter at the fabled pearly gates, and he opened the book and found my name and history. I was shocked to learn that money talks... even in the hereafter....Jim Baker, Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, Jimmy Swaggert.... None of them and their peers even knew my name, nor was there record of a single thin dime I'd ever contributed to any of them........Nor had I contributed to any mission societies. I'd never been to confession, and not being a Catholic, I ridiculed it, and all the Email messages I'd written castigating Pope Benedict XVI as a closet Nazi, etc....... had been saved!! The Baptist minister who's daughter I had defiled had stood up as a "character witness"
It was looking pretty bleak until the 99 year 3 month old lady I'd spent 5 years of my life with, making her "golden years" a bit more golden stood up with an impassioned plea for clemency, and was followed by many others for whom I had done good deeds ........Small things, but enough to tip the scales so I wasn't consigned to the deepest hottest realm for eternity....
The verdict was "homebrew hell". Amazingly I was allowed to select one set of equipment...........with a very limited budget...... Most of it had to come from Walmart or Home Depot........We have both of those down here in Homebrew Hell.
There is no refrigeration here, but Hell's Canyon offers the Snake River, and a few springs and such, so it is workable.... And the water flowing out of the Seven Devils is crystal clear and pure........ excellent brewing water........ Yes!! I can make this work....... There is no gas or electricity down here......... But I've lived without those a number of times, and it's pretty doable if you have the right attitude........Guess I'll be using wood fires for brewing......but Oh Well..... I've cooked over wood before.......No matches, bic lighters, etc......... But I can deal with that. Men made fire long before matches.
The real shock to me was that I was to be provided with an unlimited supply of malt and hops.......I didn't have to scale the canyon walls and raid the grain fields of the Camas Prairie, hump the grains down to the bottom and malt them myself......WOW....Hops would have been a far more difficult proposition......... Wilder is as far as I know the closest source.
Here's the kicker.........The reason I wrote all of you..... my former friends at HomeBrewTalk...... (I was granted this single boon of contacting you for advice.)
I'm allowed ONLY ONE VARIETY OF MALT.... and ONLY ONE HOP......... As much as I want, but only one. Thankfully I have an unlimited supply of table sugar....Not intended for brewing, but nobody is monitoring how it is being used...... A serious oversight.
I'm reminded of Candy Kitchen near Ramah, NM. Truck loads of sugar shipped in to make "candy" ....... actually going largely to moonshine. Somebody up there isn't very bright ;-).............If you meet God, please don't tell her I said that!!
Of course I immediately thought of light Munich or Vienna...... heck, (I'm no longer allowed to swear).... I can go anywhere with one of these and sugar.
The hops present much more of a problem........... The first one that popped into my mind was Northern Brewer....... Of course CTZ is a reasonable choice, as are Hallertau or Tettenang......... Noble hops just make sense..........I've got to drink variations of this for eternity....Presumably. Unless perhaps "good behavior" earns me more ingredients........Petey didn't say, I didn't ask, time will tell. I'm NOT known for good behavior. I will likely continue to seek out virgins to deflower, and get drunk and disorderly...... I have a history of poaching, and from what I've seen of the fare down here, it is likely to become a pretty serious pursuit. I'm damned if I'll watch herds of Roosevelt Elk wandering the breaks, while eating disgusting veggie burgers.
The upshot is that I expect to spend eternity in Homebrew Hell, and have to make the best of it.
Please help me.......... YOU too could end up here.....In fact I would welcome your company.
What is your "Eternity SMASH" ??? I have a mere 24 hours to make those decisions...... It's a very tough call!!!
H.W. (writing from beyond the grave)
It was looking pretty bleak until the 99 year 3 month old lady I'd spent 5 years of my life with, making her "golden years" a bit more golden stood up with an impassioned plea for clemency, and was followed by many others for whom I had done good deeds ........Small things, but enough to tip the scales so I wasn't consigned to the deepest hottest realm for eternity....
The verdict was "homebrew hell". Amazingly I was allowed to select one set of equipment...........with a very limited budget...... Most of it had to come from Walmart or Home Depot........We have both of those down here in Homebrew Hell.
There is no refrigeration here, but Hell's Canyon offers the Snake River, and a few springs and such, so it is workable.... And the water flowing out of the Seven Devils is crystal clear and pure........ excellent brewing water........ Yes!! I can make this work....... There is no gas or electricity down here......... But I've lived without those a number of times, and it's pretty doable if you have the right attitude........Guess I'll be using wood fires for brewing......but Oh Well..... I've cooked over wood before.......No matches, bic lighters, etc......... But I can deal with that. Men made fire long before matches.
The real shock to me was that I was to be provided with an unlimited supply of malt and hops.......I didn't have to scale the canyon walls and raid the grain fields of the Camas Prairie, hump the grains down to the bottom and malt them myself......WOW....Hops would have been a far more difficult proposition......... Wilder is as far as I know the closest source.
Here's the kicker.........The reason I wrote all of you..... my former friends at HomeBrewTalk...... (I was granted this single boon of contacting you for advice.)
I'm allowed ONLY ONE VARIETY OF MALT.... and ONLY ONE HOP......... As much as I want, but only one. Thankfully I have an unlimited supply of table sugar....Not intended for brewing, but nobody is monitoring how it is being used...... A serious oversight.
I'm reminded of Candy Kitchen near Ramah, NM. Truck loads of sugar shipped in to make "candy" ....... actually going largely to moonshine. Somebody up there isn't very bright ;-).............If you meet God, please don't tell her I said that!!
Of course I immediately thought of light Munich or Vienna...... heck, (I'm no longer allowed to swear).... I can go anywhere with one of these and sugar.
The hops present much more of a problem........... The first one that popped into my mind was Northern Brewer....... Of course CTZ is a reasonable choice, as are Hallertau or Tettenang......... Noble hops just make sense..........I've got to drink variations of this for eternity....Presumably. Unless perhaps "good behavior" earns me more ingredients........Petey didn't say, I didn't ask, time will tell. I'm NOT known for good behavior. I will likely continue to seek out virgins to deflower, and get drunk and disorderly...... I have a history of poaching, and from what I've seen of the fare down here, it is likely to become a pretty serious pursuit. I'm damned if I'll watch herds of Roosevelt Elk wandering the breaks, while eating disgusting veggie burgers.
The upshot is that I expect to spend eternity in Homebrew Hell, and have to make the best of it.
Please help me.......... YOU too could end up here.....In fact I would welcome your company.
What is your "Eternity SMASH" ??? I have a mere 24 hours to make those decisions...... It's a very tough call!!!
H.W. (writing from beyond the grave)
