You know your SCREWED!

[Sir Sudster]

Vice?..Crotch?..I'm having a tender moment right now...

 

[sudsmonkey]

Mwahaha! Don't forget having cramps akin to having your crotch, lower back, and thighs in a vice for five days straight. Ow!

Bet that whole childbirth thing is a real hoot, as well !
Seriously. Why can't women understand that we're just simple creatures. We say what we mean. We're not psychic. We can lift heavy things. Give us sex, beer , food, and sex, and we'll lift heavy things for you. We don't get jealous of other men. If he's better looking than us ( which we don't notice unless you point it out) then he must be gay. If he drives a nicer car, he must be making up for a "shortcoming" that we don't have( unless you point it out). If we do suffer from a shortcoming, it's your fault. We're not small, you're just big. Not our fault.
I'd hate to be a woman and have to put up with us.
Sorry guys, that's my Lesbian trapped in a man's body talking, there.

 

[Chairman Cheyco]

Sorry guys, that's my Lesbian trapped in a man's body talking, there.

I would think that most of the guys here could easily classify themselves as lesbians...

 

[sudsmonkey]

True.. The important part is having the wife's support.

 

[Sir Sudster]

I'd rather have the support of my wife's part.

 

[dancingbarefoot]

We don't get jealous of other men.

Pfffft! Sure...

 

[Pumbaa]

Bet that whole childbirth thing is a real hoot, as well !

I dont get the whole child bearing thing . . . move that little bugger 2 inches further to the postierior and it's just a good health dump . . .

My wife has a BAD habit of not puting her shoes away, and my 1 year old Lab poodle mut has a bad habit of eating her shoes when she leaves them out. One sure way for me to get in trouble (besides mentioning the child bearing/healthy dump thing) is when she starts going ape **** that the dog ate her shoes again is to ask her where the shoes were.

Sometimes pissing her off is almost like a sport for me.

 

[Chairman Cheyco]

On thinking about it, I think the worst question SWMBO asked was "What the hell are you doing in our bed with her!!!"

Just kidding, that would be a bad one though.

Ummm I tripped and my clothes fell off and she caught me....

 

[loopmd]

Sometimes pissing her off is almost like a sport for me.

Ahhhh, the truth to a long, lasting marriage. I am glad I'm not the only one who does this!!!


loop

 

[AllHoppedUp]

Sometimes pissing her off is almost like a sport for me.

One of my favorite past times as well. The funny thing is that sometimes she KNOWS I'm saying something (or not saying something) just to piss her off but she still lets it get to her. Example:

SWMBO: I love you!
AHU: Thanks!
. . . a moment of silence . . .
SWMBO: C'mon, you have to say it back!
AHU: It back.
SWMBO: You know what I mean!
AHU: What were we talking about?
SWMBO: I said . . . and you . . . of just f**king forget it.
AHU: Ha ha ha ha ha! Victory!


Yeah, I'm a dick.

AHU

 

[Denny's Evil Concoctions]

On thinking about it, I think the worst question SWMBO asked was "What the hell are you doing in our bed with her!!!"

Not to bad if she follows that with "I was supposed to go first!"

 

[sudsmonkey]

Pfffft! Sure...

Seriously ! We don't worry about that ! We see ourselves as the owner of the axis that the universe rotates around. If we're not actually the center of the universe, we're just right, like the bowl of porrige that Goldilocks ate. Not too hot, not too cold, not too hard, not too soft,not too bright, but understand trivia.
We're just people, like everybody else. Why can't you just leave us alone ?( Sobbing) :rockin:

 

[Sir Sudster]

Yeah! We're kinda like our dogs you know. We'll pretty much do anything as
long as you give us a treat. We'll even sit on the couch with you but
don't ask us what we're thinking...cause we aren't. Ever ask the dog what
he's thinking..he didn't say anything did he..just looked at you with his
tongue hangin out. I think your going to have to lower your expectations a
bit.

 

[Beer Snob]

Yeah I was just thinking... according to my SWMBO I am thinking real meaningful and deep thoughts a lot.... real deep......so deep I cant even tell you how deep... real deep.

 

[sudsmonkey]

Really deep !

 

[Beer Snob]

Oh here was a great question of the night...

"Does the carpet look like it needs to be vacummed?"

 

[Sir Sudster]

Uh Huh, and like you were going to say "Yes, but I think I need to steam clean it." Watch it Man, you'll be down at your local rent-all before you know it.

 

[Rhoobarb]

Okay, I was gonna refrain from posting this joke, but I just cannot resist any longer. Sorry. Really, I am! But whenever I am involved in a 'battle of the sexes' conversation, I think of this joke. Some of you have heard it before, I'm sure:

A 40’ish man comes home to find his 40’ish wife naked, jumping up and down on the bed and staring at herself in the bedroom mirror with a broad smile on her face.

“What the hell are you doing?!”, he asks.
She replies, “I went to the doctor today and he said I had the breasts of an 18-year-old woman!”
“Oh yeah?”, he says. “Did he say anything about your 40-year-old ass?!”
“No,” she says, “your name never came up.”

 

[The Happy Mug]

"What do you think of her" as you are walking down the street and she points to another lady. I don't think there is an answer that will keep you out of trouble.
Possibly "what lady? I didn't notice her". But that won't even work because she knows you are lying.

Hell, my girlfriend points out the cuties and tells me to "check her out." It's nice having a woman that likes other women.

 

[Chairman Cheyco]

How about "What are you thinking about?" An all-time classic.
"How much I love you, of course. Actually, I was thinking about how much crystal 60 to add to my next porter, how I could really go for chugging five HBs and, having sex with that woman over there in the TV section of Best Buy while her naked friend paints herself with LME. What are you thinking about?"

 

[Pumbaa]

How about "What are you thinking about?" An all-time classic.

My reply to this varies with what I want for the night . . .

If I want to be left alone
"I was just thinking about <insert any Quantum Theroy hypothisys here>
I prefer Schrodinger's Cat, but just about any one of them works
" I was wondering if <what ever you just ate here> has milk in it and if I took my lactaid . . .
100% NO FAIL

If I want to "get some"
"I was thinking about that Arbys comercial (the fishnet stockings one)"
/shrug I dunno but it works for now

If I want to just get some sleep
"I was wondering how long those shoes have been over there and when Dewd is gonna eat them"
pisses her off to the point she wont talk to me

If I want to go to the bar
"<insert random females name here>"
This one usually ends up with me sleeping at the firehouse . . . .

Normal Response . . . and usually the safest
"Huh?"

 

[The Happy Mug]

Man, I love the way Cheyco thinks.

 

[Sir Sudster]

Yeah< it goes back to the "Dog Thang" I was talking about earlier...
Cheyco's a regular Alpha....

 

[Brew chick]

my bloke just sent me this text"bird flu has arrived in the uk and is attacking all wild and rough old birds text me back to let me know your ok?"what do you think IS HE SCREWED?OH YEH!

 

[Chairman Cheyco]

Sounds like my kind of bloke. Gimme his email so we can compare notes!

 

[Brew chick]

Sounds like my kind of bloke. Gimme his email so we can compare notes!

I can do better than that,he's on his way over with a ups stamp on his ass,oh just one favour to ask.If he's still got my stilleto stick'in out of his head,tell him to send it back or he's gona get a bill!

 

[Donthoseme]

My reply to this varies with what I want for the night . . .

If I want to be left alone
"I was just thinking about <insert any Quantum Theroy hypothisys here>
I prefer Schrodinger's Cat, but just about any one of them works
" I was wondering if <what ever you just ate here> has milk in it and if I took my lactaid . . .
100% NO FAIL

If I want to "get some"
"I was thinking about that Arbys comercial (the fishnet stockings one)"
/shrug I dunno but it works for now

If I want to just get some sleep
"I was wondering how long those shoes have been over there and when Dewd is gonna eat them"
pisses her off to the point she wont talk to me

If I want to go to the bar
"<insert random females name here>"
This one usually ends up with me sleeping at the firehouse . . . .

Normal Response . . . and usually the safest
"Huh?"

I went looking through old posts and saw this one. I have to say this men. Am i the only guy who is able to think of nothing. Nothing at all. When my wife asks "what are you thinking about?" I have nothing to offer but a low humming noise.

 

[Ceedubya]

When SWMBO asks me what I'm thinking about I usually tell her that I'm thinking i want to insert my (pick your favorite appendage) into her (pick your favorite orifice)

This either gets me lucky, or makes her leave the room quickly. Either way, I win :rockin:

Most dangerous question?

"What are you doing right now?"

Translation: "I have something that I want you to do right now"

 

[EvilTOJ]

Holy necrothread, batman!!

 

[Donthoseme]

I know i was looking at old threads and some of them were pretty funny but i'm glad i'm where i am......here and now........how bout that!