Vasectomy: Male's POV?

[BrewWench]

What would you say if a man got a vasectomy against his wife's wishes? They already have one kid, but she wants more but he went ahead and got snipped without her consent. Opinions?

Oh, and dancing banana is very appropriate for this topic

 

[ohiobrewtus]

Cut him off until he gets it reversed.

I'm heading down that path myself, but I'd never go and get it done without first coming to an agreement about it with my wife.

 

[JMD87]

Considering it's reversible, it's not a completely horrible thing to do.... however going against SWMBO's wishes, no matter what you do, is pretty risky in itself.

Either way, you have some big if you already did this.

 

[mrkristofo]

Just don't perform it yourself.

 

[Evan!]

If you're married, that's a decision that should be made jointly. If she's wanting more kids and he gets snipped without her consent, then he's got the obligation to reverse it if he wants to maintain a healthy relationship.

If he doesn't, well, she's allowed to go find another sperm donor...at the local pub.

 

[the_bird]

It clearly signals a problem in the relationship and is a valid cause for divorce, but fundamentally - his body, his choice. You can't argue that just because she wants a child, he should be obliged to impregate her; if he feels especially strongly that he does not want another, why shouldn't he have the right to make sure that doesn't happen?

Fundamentally, the marraige is f*cked, anyway. Without wanting to make too many assumptions, sounds likely that she was set on getting pregant regardless of his wishes.

 

[Jester369]

Yeah, seems to me the real issue is not the snip, but the 'not making more children' thing. And if both parents don't want a child, then they probably shouldn't have one. Both parents need to want a child, and I personally feel it would be wrong to pressure ones partner into having one.

 

[Damonic]

Yeah, that sounds like trouble in paradise.

 

[david_42]

He's entirely within his rights. No one controls someone else's reproductive capacity.

That said, the relationship is probably headed for the tank.

Knew a couple that had the exact opposite situation: he wanted more kids, she didn't and demanded HE get cut! Divorce.

(As a historical note, when my mother was in the hospital with number 6, she insisted dad get a vasectomy, "Before you leave today." He agreed, since the last three kids all represented failures of other forms of birth control.)

 

[GilaMinumBeer]

The ONLY way I would consider a vasectomy incognito is if I seriously suspected infidelity.

 

[BrewWench]

The ONLY way I would consider a vasectomy incognito is if I seriously suspected infidelity.

...or if you thought she was going to skip a pill or something to get pregnant "on accident," which was my first thought.

 

[EdWort]

I had it done, but only after I convinced my wife to have a second child. I figured she went through labor twice, it was the least I could do. It did take me a few years and two $20 co-pays to get it done though.

The doctor would not do the procedure unless he consulted with BOTH my wife and myself. I find that pretty common.

While within his rights to do so, I predict the marriage will fail. It takes two to tango and such a decision should be made by both husband and wife for either the Big "V" or tubes tying IMHO.

 

[Desert_Sky]

this reminds me, i need to get mine done. Wife is spayed but I want to be more than sure there wont be any more surprises

As for the original question..... Its the man's choice, simple as that.If he doesnt want any more kids, but the wife does then they have more important issues they should have worked out beforehand.

 

[the_bird]

Yeah. In any case, there's a serious trust issue at work. It's got to be something EXTREME before you would even *think* about getting snipped without telling. Either she's cheating and you want to be able to prove it's not you (although I swear I saw a sub-$200 home-paternity kit recently), or you think she's trying to get pregnant intentionally. I can't fathom any circumstance where a guy would do this without thinking his wife was going behind HIS back (and I can't imagine staying *in* a relationship with someone that I couldn't trust like that).

 

[EdWort]

My sister poked holes in her husbands condoms so she could get pregnant against his wishes. They've been divorced for years now.

 

[Jester369]

My sister poked holes in her husbands condoms so she could get pregnant against his wishes. They've been divorced for years now.

That's messed up! Hope she was unsuccessful!!

 

[EdWort]

That's messed up! Hope she was unsuccessful!!

Nope. The Love (not) child just started college last year.

 

[Desert_Sky]

Nope. The Love (not) child just started college last year.

does the kid know that story?

 

[ArcaneXor]

My sister poked holes in her husbands condoms so she could get pregnant against his wishes. They've been divorced for years now.

And I thought the reason they kept tearing was because of the size of my ...

 

[the_bird]

Did that come (uh... no pun intended) up in the divorce proceedings? Was he still obligated to pay child support on a child that she basically FORCED him to have?

 

[JustDave]

The "his choice" or "his right" part goes out the window once you say I do ..... it's a team effort from then on.

 

[Donasay]

Here is another one for ya, as I have stated earlier, I hate kids (this is a bit of an understatement, I loathe children). And I have been considering getting a vasectomy for a while. I am not currently in a relationship, but if I do go through with the surgery and then subsequently enter a relationship, under what circumstances and at what stage am I obligated to tell the woman I am dating about it.

Usually, the conversation about wanting to have kids usually doesn't come up until well into the relationship, and if it comes up on the first few dates, I know what is on the woman's mind and push her to the side.

 

[EdWort]

does the kid know that story?

Yep, but he loves her and is paying child support. It's just a sad story.

Kids have to be a joint effort.

 

[ohiobrewtus]

My sister poked holes in her husbands condoms so she could get pregnant against his wishes. They've been divorced for years now.

That is seriously sick and twisted.

 

[EdWort]

That is seriously sick and twisted.

Yep, so don't you go now and try it! BrewMama has had enough at 14 (though she looks like she's adopted all of them)

 

[GilaMinumBeer]

Here is another one for ya, as I have stated earlier, I hate kids (this is a bit of an understatement, I loathe children). And I have been considering getting a vasectomy for a while. I am not currently in a relationship, but if I do go through with the surgery and then subsequently enter a relationship, under what circumstances and at what stage am I obligated to tell the woman I am dating about it.

Usually, the conversation about wanting to have kids usually doesn't come up until well into the relationship, and if it comes up on the first few dates, I know what is on the woman's mind and push her to the side.

Just say you are sterile. And tell the truth later if it proves to be a non-issue. If it is an issue well, then it's an effective screening tool for you now isn't it.

 

[BrewWench]

BrewMama has 14 children?!

 

[EdWort]

BrewMama has 14 children?!

Well, I may have embellished just a little....

 

[EdWort]

Just say you are sterile. And tell the truth later if it proves to be a non-issue. If it is an issue well, then it's an effective screening tool for you now isn't it.

That's still lying and not a good way to build a relationship that is supposed to last a lifetime.

 

[BrewWench]

And I have been considering getting a vasectomy for a while. I am not currently in a relationship, but if I do go through with the surgery and then subsequently enter a relationship, under what circumstances and at what stage am I obligated to tell the woman I am dating about it.

I'm not completely decided about kids yet, but when dating, it was important to me to be with someone who COULD live without kids. Stuff like that can easily come up on the first few dates, IMO. If a guy I dated had baby fever, well, I'd have to peace out.

I would say that you've had a vasectomy though - if you say you are sterile, it would mean two things: either you've tried to get women pregnant and couldn't, or you saw a doctor who told you that you were sterile. So a woman could assume that you DO want kids. A vasectomy pretty much means that door is closed

 

[bethlehembrewer]

My sister poked holes in her husbands condoms so she could get pregnant against his wishes. They've been divorced for years now.

That is messed up.

As for the OP. He having legally married the woman and knowing she wanted kids has no right to do something like that, mostly on a moral level, but Im sure there could be some legal base for it as well. Such as breach of contract. Unless he had reason to think she was doing the lot lizard thang then I can't see any reason or excuse.

I must say the guy has some set of balls to go against a SWMBO with something like that. Maybe he had to do it so that his super-jimmies (which must accompany a set of balls like that) didnt hurt her or make her a mutant :cross:

 

[BrewWench]

That is messed up.

As for the OP. He having legally married the woman and knowing she wanted kids has no right to do something like that, mostly on a moral level, but Im sure there could be some legal base for it as well. Such as breach of contract. Unless he had reason to think she was doing the lot lizard thang then I can't see any reason or excuse.

Well, it's like once they had one kid, he decided he didn't want any others, when originally he wanted as many kids as she did, I suppose... I mean, maybe reality set in and he doesn't think he can handle another? I can't blame him for that, I guess.

I must say the guy has some set of balls to go against a SWMBO with something like that. Maybe he had to do it so that his super-jimmies (which must accompany a set of balls like that) didnt hurt her or make her a mutant :cross:

LOL!

 

[bethlehembrewer]

Well, it's like once they had one kid, he decided he didn't want any others, when originally he wanted as many kids as she did, I suppose... I mean, maybe reality set in and he doesn't think he can handle another? I can't blame him for that, I guess.



LOL!

Im not saying he didn't have the right to do it at all. If you were to consider marrige a legal contract (which it is) then he would have to give her A) adequate notice, or B) work something out to accomodate his needs/feelings.

 

[the_bird]

I think you're confusing what one might argue would be moral obligations with legal obligations. He's got full legal right to get himself snipped if he wants. His body, regardless of the marraige. Can't see how contract law applies (one is not legally OBLIGATED to provide one's spouse with children, although it's clearly a valid reason for that marraige contract to subsequently be broken if they don't agree on this issue).

 

[findthefish]

I agree with the majority on this one. The guy has a right to do what he wants. It isn't nearly as bad as a woman doing something to purposely get "accidentally" pregnant without the guys knowledge. But of course that relationship obviously has problems.

 

[BierMuncher]

Let us know when they have the garage sale.

 

[the_bird]

Let us know when they have the garage sale.

You know, I just bought a nice Sony TV from a couple, friends of The Wife, that are getting divorced. I call it my marital plunder. I felt guilty buying it for a little while, but it's also really nice having the old TV down in the basement next to the kegerator...

 

[bethlehembrewer]

I think you're confusing what one might argue would be moral obligations with legal obligations. He's got full legal right to get himself snipped if he wants. His body, regardless of the marraige. Can't see how contract law applies (one is not legally OBLIGATED to provide one's spouse with children, although it's clearly a valid reason for that marraige contract to subsequently be broken if they don't agree on this issue).

Yes, I am making the argument by extension. One would have to think they spoke about these things prior to marrige, they then agreed to the marrige (a legal document) based on the prior knowledge of what they spoke about. Therefore by extension if they did speak about it he might be legally obligated, he did agree to it. She having known he didn't want kids might not have married him.

It would be like a contract employee taking a job knowing what the responsibilities are. Then a year into the job thinking he doesn't want to do one of the more important responsibilities. He has every right as a human to not do said task(s). But legally he should provide notice to the employer so they can look into making arrangments so he can stay and won't have that one responsibility. Without notification he has breached the contract, which is grounds for many things.

Im not a lawyer although I have seen my share of case law. Im just drawing the best argument I can which might have some stability.

 

[the_bird]

That's SUCH a slippery slope you're proposing. What if they agreed to NOT have kids when they got married, but she accidentally got pregnant? Or even, she got pregnant intentionally, but without his consent?

Besides, he's not saying "you can't have kids" - he's just saying "NOT WITH ME!"

 

[Evan!]

Yes, I am making the argument by extension. One would have to think they spoke about these things prior to marrige, they then agreed to the marrige (a legal document) based on the prior knowledge of what they spoke about. Therefore by extension if they did speak about it he might be legally obligated, he did agree to it. She having known he didn't want kids might not have married him.

It would be like a contract employee taking a job knowing what the responsibilities are. Then a year into the job thinking he doesn't want to do one of the more important responsibilities. He has every right as a human to not do said task(s). But legallu he should provide notice to the employer so they can look into making arrangments so he can stay and won't have that one responsibility. Without notification he has breached the contract, which is grounds for many things.

Im not a lawyer although I have seen my share of case law. Im just drawing the best argument I can which might have some stability.

Unless those "responsibilities" were laid out in detail the contract prior to the marriage, then that makes no sense. So they talked about having kids. Just because we talk about having kids one day doesn't mean that I'm contractually obligated to provide my spunk for 2+ kids. "Speaking about something" prior to signing a contract doesn't contractually obligate them to anything, unless it was spelled out as a term of that agreement.