texts from last night

[Uncle Timmy]

(650): you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
(1-650): noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!

.
I like the pizza flavored ones. Goldfish I mean.
.
.

 

[travestyofnature]

(770): I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.

Done that!

 

[travestyofnature]

(214): he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???



WTF?! I just threw up again.....

 

[travestyofnature]

(416): She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now

 

[GregR]

(401): This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

 

[Bedlam]

(410): guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.

--------------------

.....Welp, stupid should hurt!

 

[bernerbrau]

TFLN is brought to you by The Horniest People On The Internet.

 

[bashe]

(802): I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."

 

[enderwig]

That is classic! I almost stopped breathing I was laughing so hard!

(617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
(508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

 

[cellardoor]

(610): he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.

This one had me going pretty good.

 

[Parker36]

(610): he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.

Marry that girl! Rational and witty

 

[Dwain]

Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England

Man, I love this thread!- Dwain

 

[DeathBrewer]

(907): I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.

lol, I hate that smell.

 

[bernerbrau]

(610): Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love

(937): wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
(1-937): u like it?
(937): NOT THE POINT.

..........

 

[Sanveann]

I haven't seen this site before ... hilarious! I love this one:

(310): Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably ****
(312): Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?

Another good one:

(901): All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.

 

[ZBrewMan]

(269): Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina

and.....??

 

[IrregularPulse]

My wife called me today while browsing the used games at gamestop on lunch break. She said , I finally check out TFLN since you've been bugging me about it. THIS IS HILARIOUS!! No Crap says I!

 

[Ceedubya]

(609): If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says


ouch

 

[user 22118]

(310): Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?

intriguing, intriguing

 

[user 22118]

(508): Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
(781): So you're taking me there this weekend?
(508): oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.

sounds about right in my eyes

 

[ZBrewMan]

(586): we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.

Now that's a party!

 

[ChshreCat]

Now that's a party!

No mention of the cup?

 

[ZBrewMan]

No mention of the cup?

Thankfully, I've never seen that little gem of a video!

 

[bernerbrau]

Thankfully, I've never seen that little gem of a video!

What's with everyone talking about it again? Certain repressed memories need to stay repressed!!

 

[ChshreCat]

What's with everyone talking about it again? Certain repressed memories need to stay repressed!!

Oh, I'm sorry. Please, look right here.

 

[ZBrewMan]

What was this thread about again??

 

[OMJ]

(253): is there any particular reason you took a **** in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?

Obviously to keep it fresh

 

[johnnyc]

(972): I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I phucked her. I dare you to beat that.

1234567890

 

[ZBrewMan]

(714): He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.

Damn fine way to spend an afternoon if you ask me!

 

[MBasile]

Was this anyone on here?

(865): Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.