texts from last night

[Donner]

(608): i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.

At least she made it to the hallway. My college roommate had a girl not make it out of his bed. She left before he woke up and realized what happened. Now that was gross.

Wow, in thinking about your post here i came up with three separate instances involving urination and roommates.

One was a roommates friend who mistook the living room chair for a toilet. The second involved a roommate mistaking his gf's suitcase for a toilet while on spring break (she woke up mid stream).

The third was the time my roommate passed out while spooning his gf, but pissed while sleeping. He realized it, woke up and convinced her to move from the couch to the bedroom. When she walked towards the room he noticed a dried outline on her back from where he had his accident. She still doesn't know.

 

[Lost Pirate]

(508): ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks

(805): My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.

(607): so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.

(518): Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.

 

[Uncle Timmy]

(714): found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.

.
Well there's something you can NEVER un-see
.
.

 

[DeathBrewer]

I found a porno in my friend's house once. It ended up being his parents. It was pretty weird. I think it disturbed him greatly. I was kinda grossed out.

 

[thataintchicken]

I found a porno in my friend's house once. It ended up being his parents. It was pretty weird. I think it disturbed him greatly. I was kinda grossed out.

were they wearing masks?
if so.. can I has a copy?

 

[DeathBrewer]

no. and definitely not. was not a keeper.

 

[ChshreCat]

One of my teachers in high school and his wife liked to rent pornos from the local video store (small town in the late 80's. There was only one video store) and then when they were all worked up from watching the video, they'd get out the VHS camera and make their own.

One night they got the tapes mixed up and returned their homemade tape in the rental box.

It got rented before they got back to the store.

And whoever rented it, made copies.

And copies made it to school.

He learned early that if he is going to play a video in class and he put the tape in sometime before he left the class for any reason, he should double check the VCR to see that the proper tape is still in it.

 

[DeathBrewer]

lol, sex tapes at school are always fun. We once had some sex ed stuff for a few days in high school biology. They had a camera inside and you could see a penis letting out sperm. Don't remember how educational it was but after it played for a while, the teacher just hit rewind without stopping the tape.

I waited for the appropriate moment and made a long, loud "SSLLLLUUUURRRRPPP" sucking sound as it hit that scene in reverse. I even had the teacher laughing out loud before the obligatory "ok, ok...that's enough."

 

[Ceedubya]

(281): What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
(832): I guess God knew he was going to be bald...


I wish God had been so kind to my bald fat ass


(704): You smell like stripper and shame


Well, who of us hasn't been there once or twice. I mean really??

 

[mstev50]

(352): What are you doing?
(352): High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
(352): That guy could sell me cancer.

 

[bashe]

(213): I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'

 

[Uncle Timmy]

(202): also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.

.
Why can't I meet chicks like this?
.
.

(239): I wish I could drop acid with the muppets

.
Except for Elmo....
.
.

 

[dataz722]

Wow, alot of good ones on there tonight

(706): If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore

(678): xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life

(202): I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
(410): I knew I liked you

(413): Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys

(206): got weed?
(425): I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
(206): sorry mom...

(870): This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
(573): You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
(870): I wish that would've worked

(215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

 

[DeathBrewer]

HA! That last one is epic!

 

[dataz722]

HA! That last one is epic!

That makes me want to go an do that.

 

[DeathBrewer]

srsly...wish I had the idea first...

wow...

(415): I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, ****er."

 

[DeathBrewer]

One more before I take off to brew:

(618): here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...

 

[dataz722]

(281): had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.

I usually lick my fingers clean once im done eating doritos..... what did he do?

(212): i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack

 

[Uncle Timmy]

(614): Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall

.
Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Awesome.
.
.

 

[dataz722]

(325): I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder

(551): Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
(201): NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"

They sure didn't waste any time did they?

 

[zman]

(303): Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.

 

[zman]

And for my Right Wing Conservative Brethren.

(402): South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a *****.

 

[c.n.budz]

(717): So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". ****. I love SC.

I went to Cafe Risque for breakfast while driving down to Daytona Beach for spring break in 1999. It was me and 9 of my friends. They cooked our breakfasts on a hotplate, one at a time... And our stripper waitress had big scars on her tits from the crappy implants. Awesome restaurant....

 

[Uncle Timmy]

(704): I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.

.
Isn't that how Cheerios are made?
.
.

 

[Uncle Timmy]

(914): Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts

 

[dontman]

This just made me laugh:

(708): We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.

To Revvy's house maybe??

 

[Ceedubya]

(415): if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?


WTF????

 

[Uncle Timmy]

(919): The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a sh*t and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a f**king fantastic day.
.
WooHoo!!

 

[Uncle Timmy]

(206): genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
.
.
That being said...I'm pretty sure I don't want rubber bands anywhere near the balls.

 

[dontman]

(919): The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a sh*t and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a f**king fantastic day.
.
WooHoo!!

He's eating too much fat if his crap is floating to form that smiley face. I'm just saying.

 

[Uncle Timmy]

(650): you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
(1-650): noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!

.
I like the pizza flavored ones. Goldfish I mean.
.
.

 

[travestyofnature]

(770): I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.

Done that!

 

[travestyofnature]

(214): he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???



WTF?! I just threw up again.....

 

[travestyofnature]

(416): She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now

 

[GregR]

(401): This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

 

[Bedlam]

(410): guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.

--------------------

.....Welp, stupid should hurt!

 

[bernerbrau]

TFLN is brought to you by The Horniest People On The Internet.

 

[bashe]

(802): I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."

 

[enderwig]

That is classic! I almost stopped breathing I was laughing so hard!

(617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
(508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

 

[cellardoor]

(610): he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.

This one had me going pretty good.