texts from last night

[Arneba28]

(402): So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
(1-402): Ahh dude, that ****ing sucks, what'd you do about it?
(402): Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.

(773): So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first

(610): can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
(1-610): who is canola oil?
(610): you're an idiot.

That last one must be from my area. Only wegmans here

 

[Arneba28]

(425): Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.

 

[Lost Pirate]

(713): Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
(713): I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
(832): Texas should really raise its teaching standards.

 

[DeathBrewer]

indeed it should

 

[user 22118]

(707): I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits

(707): My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.

(707): I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.

(214): dude. I'm so drunk.
(972): pete, this is bryce's mom
(214): I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
(972): pete, this is still bryce's mom

Love That One^^^

(310): I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...

(813): I'm ****ing your sister right now.
(1-813): You mother****er
(813): She's next.

(337): I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?

(734): Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.

(412): I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.

(256): You took my girl thats shot the **** out. You better watch your skinny ass.
(1-256): That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
(256): Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
(1-256): Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.

(619): I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
(1-619): You literally just made my flesh crawl.

And to finish it off with something local here

(650): i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
(408): Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...

Classic! More to come

 

[user 22118]

(813): I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.

no way to explain my subdued laughter that I am stiffling so that the other people in the office can't hear me. I am dying here.

 

[user 22118]

last one I promise

(650): So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.

 

[user 22118]

I lied, this has to be someone from here.

(570): She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over

not so much these

(773): Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper

(404): Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys ********.
(1-404): Two?
(404): Two.

(404): FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
(1-404): haha good one..how did you even know?
(404): we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.

 

[Lost Pirate]

(734): I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.

(813): This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.

(215): So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.

 

[user 22118]

(415): I had sex with two girls on two seperate occasions last night
(1-415): Make sure you wrap your weiner up or it will fall off. Herpes is the new aids

hurts me to see this in writing

 

[Uncle Timmy]

(403): found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.

Surprise!...

 

[Clayton]

golden,, this one is from my neck of the woods

(405): Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
(918): You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a ****ing bush.
(405): I wish there were wingman of the year awards.

 

[Clayton]

(818): Jake died.
(310): WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
(818): Oops typo. Jake cried.


(913): So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized


(412): I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission *******


(630): The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.

(401): The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance

(810): Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
(616): What?!?
(810): What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police


damn this **** is funny

 

[M@!]

(734): i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
(1-734): what was she crying about?
(734): i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.

 

[MikeFlynn74]

I have wasted far too much time there

 

[Ceedubya]

when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk

yeah, what a silly question

(972): I'm scared
(337): There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
(972): That's what I'm afraid of

OUCH!

(312): Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job

......must go to Roscoes.......

(801): My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv

Honestly, who hasn't tried that one.

 

[Ceedubya]

(312): I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.

This one makes me laugh

(226): forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.

rock on

 

[Ceedubya]

(813): I'm ****ing your sister right now.
(1-813): You mother****er
(813): She's next.

FTW :rockin:

 

[Lost Pirate]

(757): he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.

(325): wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"

 

[Uncle Timmy]

(540): Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed

This is similar to one of my top rules - Never burp in a snowmobile helmet after eating a bleu cheese burger and onion rings.

 

[Ceedubya]

I'm addicted...

(937): I'll bet she douches with gravy.

eewwwwww

(732): I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.

double eeewwwwww

(918): She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...

and I just threw up...

 

[GearBeer]

(469): Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them

 

[Ceedubya]

Some good ones today....

(530): You screamed, "I am going to **** this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.


(858): that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...


(804): Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men


(484): I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem



And my new all time favorite...

(513): what's Bukake?
(1-513): a bad idea.

 

[Ceedubya]

(909): I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him


(330): I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night


(908): her ****** looked like a handful of raisins.

 

[bashe]

(208): I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome

 

[JohnnyO]

(336): Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll

I lol'd

 

[rbridges01]

740): Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
(631): U should. Its a good ice breaker


(306): and on the seventh day, God created megan fox

(562): omg, he ripped it...he ripped my ******...best. night. ever.

 

[bashe]

(734): I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.

 

[Uncle Timmy]

(734): Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

 

[bashe]

(904): the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.

That is so true.