Stupid Joke Thread!

[BongoYodeler]

Living in a Van Gogh down by the river!!

 

[day_trippr]

I miss that tubby bastid

 

[Closet Fermenter]

Italy's national airline, Alitalia, filed for bankruptcy last week.
I've heard a rumor that General Electric's aircraft division might be bidding to acquire it Supposedly, the new company would be called Gen-Italia.

 

[Rish]

I was called to my boss's office today because of what I was wearing. He said, "You can't wear pajamas to work." I said, "Everybody else does." He said, "That's because they're patients."

 

[Closet Fermenter]

Dolly Parton is quite a businesswoman. She’s branching out beyond her successful singing career and “Dollywood” and is getting into the grocery business.
She plans to buy and combine three existing grocery chains; Big Star, Piggly Wiggly, and Harris Teeter. The new chain will be called “Dolly’s Big Wiggly Teeters”.

 

[balrog]

I'm of an age where "picking up a hottie at the club"


Means buying rotisserie chicken at Costco.

 

[jcav]

Here is an oldie but a goodie:

I bought some batteries today at the store but they weren't included so I had to buy them again!

 

[homebeerbrewer]

I heard that FedEx and UPS are merging. The new name will be FedUP.

 

[BongoYodeler]

 

[balrog]

Seen elsewhere:

-I hate that SEPTember OCTober NOVember and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months. Whoever messed this up should be stabbed.

-Actually, they *USED* to be the corresponding months. It was when Roman leaders Julius Caesar and Augustus came into power, they added July and August, throwing it off. And, FYI, on the ides of March, there was a stabbing.

 

[bruce_the_loon]

Seen elsewhere:

-I hate that SEPTember OCTober NOVember and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months. Whoever messed this up should be stabbed.

-Actually, they *USED* to be the corresponding months. It was when Roman leaders Julius Caesar and Augustus came into power, they added July and August, throwing it off. And, FYI, on the ides of March, there was a stabbing.

Gaius Julius Caesar and Octavian didn't add July and August. Mark Antony renamed Quintilis to Iulius to honour Julius Caesar and a plebiscite (not sure who proposed it, Augustus, the Senate or the plebian tribunes) renamed Sextilis to Augustus during Octavian's rule in 8BC.

The early Roman calendar had 10 months supposedly from the time of Romulus, but probably already existed, and Numa Pompilius (second king of Rome from 715BC to 672BC added the Januarius and Februarius at the beginning of the year (the Roman year started from midwinter) to try and balance the calendar.

 

[homebeerbrewer]

Did you know that dragons don’t explode?


But a dino might.

 

[homebeerbrewer]

What does a janitor say when he jumps out of the closet?


Supplies!

 

[ncbrewer]

Gaius Julius Caesar and Octavian didn't add July and August. Mark Antony renamed Quintilis to Iulius to honour Julius Caesar and a plebiscite (not sure who proposed it, Augustus, the Senate or the plebian tribunes) renamed Sextilis to Augustus during Octavian's rule in 8BC.

The early Roman calendar had 10 months supposedly from the time of Romulus, but probably already existed, and Numa Pompilius (second king of Rome from 715BC to 672BC added the Januarius and Februarius at the beginning of the year (the Roman year started from midwinter) to try and balance the calendar.

Wow

 

[bruce_the_loon]

Wow

Covid lockdowns gave me a lot of time to read about the histories of civilization.

 

[Broothru]

Living in a Van Gogh down by the river!!

View attachment 867621

...On a Starry Night no less.

 

[Closet Fermenter]

You might be a home brewer if:

You see this on Craigslist, and your mind goes directly to BIAB!

 

[Sailingeric]

 

[Erik the Anglophile]

Here's a popular Swedish joke:
Why are women so quiet in the sauna?

Spoiler

they're sitting on their lips.

 

[An Ankoù]

Here's a popular Swedish joke:
Why are women so quiet in the sauna?

Spoiler

they're sitting on their lips.

Love it. Is "sat on your lips" the Swedish equivalent of the English idiom "biting your tongue"?

 

[Erik the Anglophile]

No not really.
It's just based on a bit of (vulgar) word-play that works in both languages.

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

How to make a Physics major laugh…

Did you know that the movie Speed had no director?

If it’d had direction, it would have been called “Velocity”.

 

[homebeerbrewer]

What’s the sexuality when you like men and women but they don’t like you?

Bi yourself.

 

[agentbud]

 

[homebeerbrewer]

 

[BongoYodeler]

My girlfriend complains that I don't smile much anymore...she's the one that wanted a serious relationship.

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

I love it how they are now putting jokes on the back of bacon packages. Listen to this one: “Serving size: 2 slices”

 

[balrog]

An opinion without 3.14 is just an onion.

 

[BongoYodeler]

Two mice proselytizers knock on the door of a mouse's residence.

The occupant answers the door.

Mouse: "Can I help you?"

Mice: "We'd like to talk to you about cheeses."

 

[balrog]

The creation of larger and larger seagoing vessels eventually led to the invention of the Titan 1 C, the world’s first single use submarine. It was a huge success, sailing on her maiden voyage from Southampton to the bottom of the ocean floor where it’s brave explorers could live in the lap of luxury for a few brief moments until they learnt the atmosphere there was non breathable.

#ILovePhilomenaCunk

 

[balrog]

Doc told me after my vasectomy that I wouldn’t have kids anymore.

When I go home however, they were still there.

 

[balrog]

 

[Rish]

My wife has been missing for over a week. Authorities told me I should plan for the worst so I have to go to the thrift store and get all her clothes back.

 

[balrog]

 

[agentbud]

Lady: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes.
Lady: How many per day?
Man: 3.
Lady: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5 each including tip.
Lady: How long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years.
Lady: 3 beers a day equates to $450 per month or $5,400 per year. In 20 years, that's $108,000.
Man: Sounds correct.
Lady: Did you know that if you had put that money in a savings account, including interest, you would've had enough to buy a plane.
Man: Do you drink beer?
Lady: No.
Man: Where's your frickin plane?

 

[No Joy Brews]

Why are milk stouts easier to spill than other beers?

Because they lactose.

 

[homebeerbrewer]

What happens when a microscope crashes into a telescope?

They kaleidoscope.

 

[agentbud]

Cop: I'm writing you a ticket for driving in the carpool lane by yourself.
Me: You're going to feel really stupid when you look in the trunk.