Stupid Joke Thread!

[pvtpublic]

If I climb into bed with you and start snuggling, all you have to do is snuggle back.
It helps me fall asleep.

Don't start asking things, like "how'd you get into my house"

That ruins the moment.

 

[balrog]

A little light LOTR humor

 

[pvtpublic]

A little light LOTR humor

View attachment 853461

*Orcs

 

[balrog]

What's a bigamist?

A thick fog in Italy.

 

[balrog]

I told my wife she should go through Life embracing her mistakes.


She gave me a hug.

 

[balrog]

 

[ncbrewer]

 

[Sailingeric]

View attachment 853853

I would rather lose a few years and have a few good beers than live to hundred and to have had no fun

 

[day_trippr]

Going by my mom, living to 100 appears highly overrated. Her siblings expired long ago as have all of her peers, and now the kids of all those people are leaving, too. And forget about real mobility at that age...

 

[balrog]

Going by my mom, living to 100 appears highly overrated. Her siblings expired long ago as have all of her peers, and now the kids of all those people are leaving, too. And forget about real mobility at that age...

Guess the bright side is you have good genes.

 

[day_trippr]

I've spent a lifetime beating them into submission

 

[balrog]

Every time I plan a solo hike, friends ask if I take protection in case I run into a bear in the woods.

I do not.

I don't find bears even the least bit sexy.

 

[Steveruch]

What's a bigamist?

A thick fog in Italy.

What's the penalty for bigamy?

Two wives.

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

 

[Skeeter686]

View attachment 853927

And on the car forums they say that you can't get an additional 25HP by housing enhancing your exhaust.

Edited - I have no idea why the keyboard on my tablet hates me so much.

 

[Closet Fermenter]

There was once a horny eagle, and he soared around all morning looking for a mate, but he had no luck. Suddenly, he looked down and saw a dove, and decided she would just have to do. So he went into a steep dive, hit her hard and rolled back behind the bushes. The limb’s shook, dust was in the air and the feathers flew. Suddenly, all got quite, and the eagle flew off. Shortly thereafter, the dove came staggering out from behind the bush and said;
“I’m a dove, and I’ve just been loved, and I liked it!”

Well our horny eagle flies on, not quite satisfied by the encounter with the dove, when he happens to look down and spy a lark. Just like before, he swoops down on the lark and the bushes shake, and the dust and feathers fly. After the eagle leaves, the lark stumbles out and says;
“I’m a lark, and I’ve just been sparked, and I liked it!”

Well, our virile eagle soars on, still looking to satisfy his appetite for romance, when he peers down and sees a duck. He thinks to himself; “now here’s the bird that I need to meet my desires!”
So down he dives hitting the duck which never saw him coming. After a prolonged encounter behind the bushes with limbs shaking, dust and feathers flying; the eagle flies off. Soon, a poor beat up duck staggers out from behind the bushes and says;
“I’m a drake, and there’s been a mistake, and I didn’t like it one damn bit!”

 

[balrog]

"Why do I have a hangover?"
"Did you drink water?"
"Yes"
"From a glass?"
"Yes"
"Was it frozen?"
"Yes"
"Was it surrounded by whiskey?"

"It's like you know me"

 

[balrog]

To all the people who said I"d never amount to anything because of my procrastination,

Just you wait.

 

[day_trippr]

 

[day_trippr]

 

[balrog]

Just before sweet potatoes are slaughtered they become very quiet.


This is known as the silence of the yams.

 

[balrog]

Went for a run the other day.

My Apple watch asked if my life was in danger or if tacos were on sale 3 for $1 again.

 

[BongoYodeler]

 

[doug293cz]

View attachment 854339

Should be fun when "Mommy" asks "Daddy" who's "Candy"?

Brew on

 

[lumpher]

I would rather lose a few years and have a few good beers than live to hundred and to have had no fun

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

 

[homebeerbrewer]

A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel hat.
The bartender asks, "What's with the paper towel hat?"
The pirate says, "Arr, there be a Bounty on me head."

 

[balrog]

There are more hydrogen atoms in a single molecule of water than there are stars in the ENTIRE solar system.

 

[balrog]

“Shall I compare thee to a summer day?”

Fine. Thou art a hot sticky nasty interminable mess that goeth on forever.

Art thou happy now?

 

[betarhoalphadelta]

There are more hydrogen atoms in a single molecule of water than there are stars in the ENTIRE solar system.

2>1

 

[balrog]

How to have fun with the tinfoil hat types.

Sweeten the deal and mention it uses 5G.

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

Wife: You’re not gonna believe this, I won the lottery! Pack your bags!
Hubby: OMG What should I pack!
Wife: Doesn’t matter. Just get out.

 

[Hoppy2bmerry]

 

[day_trippr]

 

[balrog]

Did you know they make bikinis out of seashells now?

Did you know that if you pick up someone in a bikini made of seashells and hold her to your ear, all you hear is her screaming?

I thought I'd hear the ocean, but not over all that caterwauling.

 

[ncbrewer]

Did you know they make bikinis out of seashells now?

Did you know that if you pick up someone in a bikini made of seashells and hold her to your ear, all you hear is her screaming?

I thought I'd hear the ocean, but not over all that caterwauling.

Have you thought about seeing a psychiatrist?