Stupid Joke Thread!

[Broothru]

View attachment 844082

You’re talkin’ to a guy who just got the finger wave from my urologist. Oooph. Too soon!

 

[balrog]

 

[doug293cz]

View attachment 844144

Typo.

Brew on

 

[BongoYodeler]

True? No idea. Funny? Yes!!

Actual writings in Mpumalanga Hospital Register in South Africa
1. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only
11kgs weight gain in the past three days.
5 She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
very hot in bed last night.
6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
7. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it
disappeared.
8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.
9. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
10. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until
she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. The patient refused autopsy.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

 

[balrog]

Typo.

Brew on

Yep. I really gotta proofread my copied memes more.

Or, at all.

 

[Broothru]

Yep. I really gotta proofread my copied memes more.

Or, at all.

Just a rounding error.

 

[scrap iron]

Jokes and such for St. Patrick's Day
Bring them on we Irish can take it.

One Irish village had a new resident move in. He stopped into the local pub and ordered three beers, and subsequently had the same order every time he visited. Finally, the bartender asked him why he kept making that particular order. The man explained that he has two brothers, one of whom moved to America and the other to Australia, and that they agreed that every time they ordered a beer, they would make it three, as a way of keeping up the family bond.



That answer was delightfully received, and he became known throughout town as "the man who orders three beers".



After a few months, he stops into the same pub and orders... two beers. A hush immediately came over the place. The bartender, collecting himself, brought himself to sadly pour the beers, served them to the man, and offered his condolences.



"Condolences?" the man queried.



"Well, when you only ordered two beers, I kind of feared..."



The man takes a sip and replies, "You'll be happy to know that me brothers are alive and well. It's just that I meself have decided to give up drinking for Lent."

 

[homebeerbrewer]

An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. He then pulls a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the counter.

As he’s drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who has had too many drinks says, “Hey, what’s that little green thing down there?”
The green man runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a
raspberry, “SPLBLBLBLT!,” right in the face and runs back to
the Irishman.
The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman,

“Hey, what is that thing, anyway?”
The Irishman replies, “Have some respect. He’s a leprechaun.”

“Oh, all right.” the Englishman says sullenly. They all go
back to drinking beer.
An hour or so later, the Englishman is plastered.
“Boy, that leprechaun sure is an ugly little bastard!” he says.

The leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a
raspberry again, “SPLBLBLBLBT!”
This time the Englishman is really mad!

“Tell that leprechaun that if he does that again, I’ll Chop his
willie right off, I will!” he shouts.
“You can’t do that,” says the Irishman. “Leprechauns don’t
have willies.”

“How do they pee, then?” asks the Englishman.
“They don’t,” says the Irishman. “They go SPLBLBLBLBT.”

 

[homebeerbrewer]

An Englishman, a Welshman, and an Irishman die on Christmas eve.

To get into heaven, St. Peter says, "You must have something on you that represents Christmas to get in”
The English man flicks on his lighter and says, "It's a candle"
St. Peter lets him pass.
The Welshman jingles his keys and says, " They are jingle bells"
St. Peter nods and lets him pass.
Then the Irishman steps up to the door and pulls a bra out of his jacket pocket.
St. Peter asks, "What does that have to do with Christmas?"
The Irishman answered, "They're Carols."

 

[homebeerbrewer]

A 10-year-old girl asked her Irish mother, "Mom, how was I born?"
The mother smiled and replied, "Once upon a time, me and your father decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Dad put it in the earth and I took care of it every single day. After a while the seed started to grow more and more. Lovely leaves started bloom and in a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant.
So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it, and got so high that we forgot to wear a condom."

 

[scrap iron]

“An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a pub in Belfast. Each man orders a pint of Guinness.

After the pints have been poured and placed on the bar, the men notice that each has a fly floating inside.

The Englishman gags and leaves the pub. The Scot reaches in and picks the wasp out.

The Irishman reaches in, picks the fly out, holds it up close to his face and shouts, “Spit it out you thieving bastard.””

 

[Broothru]

Jokes and such for St. Patrick's Day
Bring them on we Irish can take it.

One Irish village had a new resident move in. He stopped into the local pub and ordered three beers, and subsequently had the same order every time he visited. Finally, the bartender asked him why he kept making that particular order. The man explained that he has two brothers, one of whom moved to America and the other to Australia, and that they agreed that every time they ordered a beer, they would make it three, as a way of keeping up the family bond.



That answer was delightfully received, and he became known throughout town as "the man who orders three beers".



After a few months, he stops into the same pub and orders... two beers. A hush immediately came over the place. The bartender, collecting himself, brought himself to sadly pour the beers, served them to the man, and offered his condolences.



"Condolences?" the man queried.



"Well, when you only ordered two beers, I kind of feared..."



The man takes a sip and replies, "You'll be happy to know that me brothers are alive and well. It's just that I meself have decided to give up drinking for Lent."

True story. A decade or two ago, I decided that for the discipline of Lent I would forego the consumption of cereal malt beverages after hearing this humorous story.

Now I grew up in a family of four children, three of which were female. After a few weeks of alcohol abstinence, it occurred to me that somewhere in this universe (or perhaps some parallel one) I too might have a long lost brother. So, remembering this story, I found solace in toasting my missing male sibling. Since that day, it has helped me through the annual forty days of sacrifice.

 

[BongoYodeler]

 

[Broothru]

Can’t get this song outta’ my head today. Seems appropriate for the day. You’ll thank (or like my wife) hate me later.

https://www.google.com/gasearch?q=Irish Rovers The Unicorn Song&source=sh/x/gs/m2/5

 

[balrog]

 

[BongoYodeler]

 

[balrog]

I surveyed 1100 women about what their favorite shampoo was.

I got nearly 100% response of

“Get the *#@$* out of my shower!”

 

[balrog]

The number of bottles of whiskey I purchase is nothing in comparison to the number of bottles of whiskey I do not purchase.

Let’s keep some perspective, mm-kay?

 

[balrog]

I recently did some financial planning, and it turns out that I can retire at age 97 and live comfortably for about 11 minutes.

 

[BongoYodeler]

 

[balrog]

Once you lick the frosting off a cupcake, it becomes a muffin, and muffins are healthy.

Follow me for more health tips.

 

[balrog]

 

[BongoYodeler]

 

[balrog]

My new book "The Clock" has finally been published.

It's about time.

 

[balrog]

 

[Broothru]

View attachment 844969

You’re missing the soundtrack CD to the movie, “Honeysuckle Rose”, with Willie Nelson singing “On the Road Again.”

 

[tracer bullet]

There's a movie that could be incorporated as well. Maybe the books are on a road in a scene from it.

 

[BeerAndTele]

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.

You can't tell me that's just a coincidence.

 

[BeerAndTele]

Over the weekend, I told my wife that I wanted to be cremated.

She made an appointment for Thursday.

 

[balrog]