Stupid Joke Thread!

[Cheshire Cat]

I went to the doctor and I said doctor I feel like I’m a pair of curtains.

The doctor said pull yourself together.

 

[lumpher]

Sometimes I get a little out of sorts. You know what really burns my arse? A fire about 3 feet high.

 

[balrog]

Having too much sex can cause memory loss.

I read it on page 14 in a medical journal, on 14 November 2019 at 3:26pm. It was a Thursday and looked like rain all day but it never did.

 

[lumpher]

Having too much sex can cause memory loss.

I read it on page 14 in a medical journal, on 14 November 2019 at 3:26pm. It was a Thursday and looked like rain all day but it never did.

On that day, at that time, I was working on a particularly difficult networking for a guy named Scott out of an office building exactly 4.3 miles from the center of Cleveland. He was using a Dell 5143 server with 256gb ram and trying to connect it to a Cisco router...

 

[Abrayton]

Having too much sex can cause memory loss.

I read it on page 14 in a medical journal, on 14 November 2019 at 3:26pm. It was a Thursday and looked like rain all day but it never did.

I’m thankful that my wife reminds me of my name every morning.

 

[ncbrewer]

We need a support group.

 

[balrog]

We need a support group.

Um, I believe that’s why God invented the interwebz

 

[balrog]

 

[day_trippr]

Oh yeah?

 

[BongoYodeler]

 

[wepeeler]

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, I'll have a rum...................................................
and coke."

Bartender asks, "What's with the big pause?"

Bear says, "I was born with them."

 

[balrog]

And now, for something completely different - philosophy humor and literature jokes:

 

[Steveruch]

Um, I believe that’s why God invented the interwebz

Al Gore invented the internet.

 

[balrog]

Reminds me of the logic joke,
God is love
Love is blind
Therefore
Ray Stevens Charles Stevie Wonder is God

 

[Broothru]

Reminds me of the logic joke,
God is love
Love is blind
Therefore
Ray Stevens is God

I think you meant Ray Charles, as in:

“Man, that was so obvious even Ray Charles could’ve seen that one coming.”

 

[balrog]

I think you meant Ray Charles, as in:

“Man, that was so obvious even Ray Charles could’ve seen that one coming.”

I didn't realize how awfully bad I'd missed that until the next morning.
We clearly need a Random Drunken Stupid Joke Thread.

 

[BongoYodeler]

My uncle was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.

 

[BongoYodeler]

A man goes to the zoo.

The only animal in the whole zoo was a dog.

It was a shih tzu.

 

[BeerAndTele]

When my grandma turned 65, she started walking 10 miles a day.
Now she's 82 ... and we have no idea where she is.

 

[ba-brewer]

I heard most accidents happen within 10 miles of your home so I moved 20 miles away.

 

[lumpher]

I spent a lot of time and effort childproofing my house. Somehow the kids still keep getting in...

 

[BongoYodeler]

Wasn't sure where else to put this. I just got home from taking my wife to a colonoscopy procedure. It all went well, and while she's sleeping off the effects of the propofol I thought of this old comedy routine by the late Dennis Wolfberg who passed away nearly 30 years ago, far too young. I watched it again today and it still makes me laugh so hard that it brings tears to my eyes. He had such a unique delivery.

 

[day_trippr]

I love Propofol. It almost makes getting 'scoped worth it

Cheers!

 

[lumpher]

I was feeling depressed, so I went to a Psychiatrist. He told me the reason I was feeling that way was I'd gained too much weight. I told the Doc I should start feeling better soon, then, because I was in the process of getting rid of her... I mean "it"....

 

[balrog]

My cell phone accidentally took 10 minutes of video of my shoes.

It was some pretty good footage.

 

[BongoYodeler]

 

[balrog]

 

[BeerAndTele]

I bought a sweater that was picking up way too much static electricity ... so I returned it. They gave me a replacement, free of charge.

 

[BongoYodeler]

Peter Marshall was the host of the TV game show Hollywood Squares from the late 60's until the early 80's. Here's some of the funnier questions and replies.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde : If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver : Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel : Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts : That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie : No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver : My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price : No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel : I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie : You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde : Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver : Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie : Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde : Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie : Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen : Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A Paul Lynde : Make him bark.

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde : Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver : It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde : Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel : Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A Paul Lynde : Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver : I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver : His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde : Point and laugh!

 

[balrog]

I suspect someone's been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.