Stupid Joke Thread!

[soccerdad]

A Scot and his wife were out for a walk in the city.
As they went past the fancy new restaurant the wife said, "Oh darling, aren't those smells divine?"
So feeling like he really owed her ...
He walked her past again.

 

[DBhomebrew]

Reminds me of the one about Ol' Paddy who really, truly loved his wife of 30yrs of marriage. I mean, really, truly loved her. So much so, he almost told her.

 

[Sailingeric]

John was at the grocery store buying beer for poker night with his buddies​

When he is in the frozen food section a voluptuous redhead approaches him and says:
“Excuse me, I think you are the father of one of my kids”
John replied: “ohhh, were you that redhead hooker I banged in the bathroom stall at Shannon’s a couple of years back while we were both on coke?, you certainly look good”
The redhead replied: “No sir…, I’m a kindergartner teacher and I teach Timmy, your 5 year old son…”

 

[soccerdad]

Paddy had been stranded on a deserted island for nearly two years.
As he sat gazing at the beach looking for his next raw fish meal, he saw a gorgeous woman in a wet suit surface out in the surf and start walking toward him.
He knew it was a hallucination until she unzipped a sleeve pocket, pulled out a flask and asked, "Would you like some fine Irish whisky?"
Then she unzipped a pocket on the other sleeve and offered him a fine Cuban cigar.
As he was thinking that he might have died and gone to heaven, she started to unzip the main zipper and asked, "Would you like to play around?"
"My God woman, he replied, don't tell me you have a set of clubs in there!"

 

[Broothru]

Paddy had been stranded on a deserted island for nearly two years.
As he sat gazing at the beach looking for his next raw fish meal, he saw a gorgeous woman in a wet suit surface out in the surf and start walking toward him.
He knew it was a hallucination until she unzipped a sleeve pocket, pulled out a flask and asked, "Would you like some fine Irish whisky?"
Then she unzipped a pocket on the other sleeve and offered him a fine Cuban cigar.
As he was thinking that he might have died and gone to heaven, she started to unzip the main zipper and asked, "Would you like to play around?"
"My God woman, he replied, don't tell me you have a set of clubs in there!"

Yep. He had died and gone to Heaven.

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

 

[Broothru]

View attachment 827462

Depends on how you define Kung Fu. Some are (or at least were) more, er, energetic?

 

[Rish]

A recent study shows that women who are slightly overweight live longer than men who point it out.

 

[lumpher]

What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows

 

[BongoYodeler]

 

[Rish]

A man was attacked by a guy with an upholstery nail gun. It turned out okay; he's recovered now.

 

[balrog]

 

[Rish]

I was digging a hole in the woods when I unearthed a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run into the house and tell my wife, then I remembered why I was digging the hole.

 

[Sailingeric]

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says ,"I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks, "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"​

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

 

[balrog]

I started this month with a goal to lose 10 pounds.

Only 15 to go.

 

[jcav]

Why does Smokey The Bear and his wife never have sex?

Because every time she gets hot, he hits her with a shovel.

 

[Cheshire Cat]

An old man goes to the doctors and says to the doctor I’ve just married a 20 years old woman and I want to ensure we have children what should I do.

The doctor says get a lodger, then come back in 6 months and give me an update.

The old man returns to the doctors 6 months later.

The doctor asks the old man did it work getting a lodger?

Yes the old man says, my wife is pregnant and so is the lodger.

 

[Rish]

"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing, except at a funeral.

 

[Rish]

It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my good friends would still be alive.

 

[Broothru]

It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my good friends would still be alive.

Two guys were out hiking in the high desert one day and stopped to drain the bladder. While exposed, one of the hikers got bitten by a rattlesnake on his exposed ’appendage.’

His friend called an emergency health information line, and the respondent told him how to cut two incisions into the wounds and then suck the venom out.

The friend hung up the phone, looked sadly at his friend and said, “Sorry man, the Doc said you’re gonna’ die.”

 

[doug293cz]

Two guys were out hiking in the high desert one day and stopped to drain the bladder. While exposed, one of the hikers got bitten by a rattlesnake on his exposed ’appendage.’

His friend called an emergency health information line, and the respondent told him how to cut two incisions into the wounds and then suck the venom out.

The friend hung up the phone, looked sadly at his friend and said, “Sorry man, the Doc said you’re gonna’ die.”

I heard Bob Hope tell this joke back in (about) 1969, at a live performance that was part of the Univ of Wash Homecoming festivities. The friend was Bing, but I think the bite was on the butt (the actual words were "happy fat" with point to the backside.) Of course, cell phones didn't exist back then, so Hope had to walk into town and back before delivering the prognosis.

Brew on

 

[Broothru]

Actually, I told Hope the joke, except I was the hiker and SWMBO’d was the friend. I think her exact words were, “Sorry Honey, Doc says you’re going to die.”

Lucky for me I got a second opinion.

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

 

[Rish]

I had too much to drink at the bar last night so I took a bus home. Not a big deal for some but it's the first time I've ever driven a bus.

 

[Cheshire Cat]

A horse walks into a pub, the barman says why the long face.

 

[Cheshire Cat]

I went to the doctor and said every time I have a cup of tea I get a pain in my eye.

The doctor says try taking the spoon out of the cup.