Stupid Joke Thread!

[ChuckO]

A zookeeper had developed a potion made from baby seagulls that appeared to indefinitely prolong the life of dolphins.

One day he was in the marine aviary collecting new babies for more tests.

As he was leaving the aviary, he discovered that the lion pride has escaped, and were sleeping at the exit of the aviary.

He very quietly stepped over them.

And was arrested for transporting young gulls over staid lions for immortal porpoises...

If you really like classical music, check out Peter Schickele's version,

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[Miraculix]

What is the difference between a duck?









The greener the more swims.

 

[Miraculix]

What is yellow and shoots around the corner?






A Bananon.

 

[Miraculix]

What is sweet and jumps from tree to tree?










Tarzipan.

 

[ancientmariner52]

Many years ago, Washington County, Arkansas, was famous for the quality of apples grown there.

Late in the season, a tourist asked an apple grower for 50 gallons of cider. The farmer said, "Now I don't mind gettin' the wagon out and hitchin' up the mules. I don't even mind dirtyin' up the press after I spent all day cleanin'. But I'll be danged if I'm gonna cut up a whole apple for only 50 gallons of cider!"

 

[jimmayhugh]

A Well-Bred, Cultured older lady was traveling through the countryside when she stopped at the General Store.

The proprietor could tell that the lady was in some distress, so he asked "What seems to be the problem, Ma'am?"

The lady responded "I can't believe what I've just seen! About a mile back, I observed a young boy, about sixteen, reclining on a haystack. It appeared that he had captured a rabbit, and was having carnal relations with it!!!"

The proprietor responded, "Well, Ma'am, boys will be boys, and there aren't many willing young girls around these parts."

The lady continued "But not a half a mile later, I saw a man, must have been 90 years old, reclining in a haystack, pleasuring himself!!"

The proprietor looked the lady up and down, and said: "Ma'am do you really expect a man that old to catch a rabbit???"

 

[Schlenkerla]

Why did Snoop Dogg need an umbrella?

Fo' Drizzle.

 

[Schlenkerla]

Two chickpeas are walking down the street when one chickpea starts to vomit.

The other chickpea asks, "Are you okay?" and the chickpea answers, "No, I falafel."

 

[Schlenkerla]

Why didn't the Mexican archer fire his bow?

He didn't habanero.

 

[Schlenkerla]

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye Matey.

 

[2trout]

Two Penguins are standing on an ice flow......

The first Penguin says to the second Penguin "you look like you're wearing a tuxedo." The second Penguin says....."how do you know I'm not?"

 

[ancientmariner52]

Two mountain settlers are talking.
"Caleb, I want you to keep your boy Sam away from my Sarah Belle for a while."
"Why, Silas, I thought you liked young Sam. What did he
do to bother ya?"
"Well, when I went out to the barn this mornin', I seed Sam's name writ in big yaller letters in the snow!"
"Shucks, Silas, that ain't nothin'. We all did that when we were young'uns."
Says Silas, miserably, "I ain't blamin' young Sam. But don't you think I know my own daughter's handwriting?"

 

[FourSwitch]

Shout out to all the sidewalks out there

...for keeping me off the streets!

 

[FourSwitch]

I'm not addicted to brake fluid....

..I can stop whenever i want

 

[FourSwitch]

I've just been diagnosed as colourblind..

I know, it sure has come out of the purple

 

[Schlenkerla]

Doctor's Visit Doctor: "What seems to be the problem today?"

Patient: "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time," The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient: "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times."

"Hmm," says the Doctor, as he picks up his pad and writes out a prescription. The patient is thrilled "Thank you Doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses, it stinks like a fermented diaper in here. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

 

[Schlenkerla]

Old Lady

An old lady got on an elevator in a very lavish building,when a young woman gets on smelling of perfume. The woman turns to the old woman and arrogantly says "Romance by Ralph Lauren $150.00 an ounce!"

Then another young woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly says "Chanel#5 $200.00 an ounce!"

About 3 floors later,the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator, but before she leaves,she looks at both women in the eye,bends over Farts and says "Broccoli 49 cents a pound!"

 

[Schlenkerla]

Q: Why do farts smell?

A: For the benefit of people who are hearing impaired!

 

[jimmayhugh]

The farmer was out in his field when he discovered his older son reclining on a haystack, pleasuring himself.

"Alright son, it's about time we got you married off," said the farmer "you need a woman to take care of you".

So the son got married, and about 3 months later, the farmer again found his son on the haystack pleasuring himself.

"Boy, ain't that why you got married??" sniped the farmer.

"Aw Paw," the boy said, head hung low "Her little old hand gets so tired so quick..."

 

[Schlenkerla]

Q: What is it called when Queen of England farts?

A: A noble gas.

 

[CoreyD]

Little Johnny had a teacher that would give out a jelly bean for a correct answer. Every time Johnny knew the answer she would call on somebody else. He got tired of missing out on the goodies, so he went to the candy store to get some jelly beans. They were sold out, so he bought some malted milk balls. Now when he is in class, if he knows the answer he just pops one in his mouth. Feeling bored one day he took a handful and rolled them down the isle. The teacher says " Alright. Whose the comedian with the brown balls?" Johnny jumps up and yells " I know, I know. Eddie Murphy. Can I have a jelly bean?"

 

[Schlenkerla]

Why did the Grinch rob the liquor store?

He was desperate for some holiday spirit.

 

[Schlenkerla]

Why does Santa always come through the chimney?

Because he knows better than to try the back door.

 

[Schlenkerla]

Why was the snowman smiling?

He could see the snowblower coming down the street.

 

[Schlenkerla]

Why does Santa go to strip clubs?

To visit all his ho ho ho’s.

 

[Schlenkerla]

What do a train set and your wife’s ****s have in common?

They were both made for kids but dads can’t help playing with them.

 

[MaxStout]

 

[Schlenkerla]

What’s the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa?

Santa was smart enough to stop at three hos.

 

[Schlenkerla]

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?

He sold his soul to Santa.

 

[Schlenkerla]

What do you call a girl who cheats on you during the holidays?

A ho ho ho bag.