so am I an Ahole?

[JoshuaWhite5522]

Well we got married b/c we were living together, and figured it was time for the next step before I went on deployment (we had been together almost a year at that point). We enjoyed each other's company and had alot of fun doing things together. Now I enjoy things more when she's not around.

 

[JoshuaWhite5522]

I guess what I'm trying to say is that there was a time then we had to put less into the relationship to get a certian level of enjoyment out of it, now it seems as though the relationship takes more just to get the same amount.

 

[nghtmre4u]

Did you think about what life would be like with out her or only what life was before her.I was in a similar position a few years ago and sat back one day and thought how my life would be with out her.Our 10 yr anniversary is in 18 days best decision i ever made.

 

[bad coffee]

"am I an Ahole?"

Every F'ing time I've ever asked that question, the answer is a resounding 'YES.'

I think it's that way for most people.

You married her, now own up to it. Don't be a ***** and jump because you're both BORED. Make it work.

So what if 'you work harder at work' boo F'ing hoo. You both chose your current careers. If you want a cushy office job, get one.

So what if you don't have the freedoms you used to. Why can't you sit around on a Saturday in your undies? Tell her ahead of time that it's your day, and you're going to watch the tube in your shorts. If she's bringing company over, let them know you're not going to be wearing pants. BUT: be prepared when she claims a day for her. If she wants to have all her girlfriends over to drink cosmos and watch bad TV, be supportive. I don't however suggest you both claim the same day as 'yours.'

Freedom Pt2: How's it feel to 100% of the time NOT use a condom. You haven't mentioned sex, but everyone here in a long term relationship knows you're thinking about it. I know I think about some strange once in a while. But I've committed to one woman, and I intend to keep that commitment. Until we were monogamous, it was condoms all the time. Now we're only with each other we don't worry about it. Do you want to go back to worrying about STD's, pregnancies, or sex with a condom? I'm gonna guess you don't.

I do think you and your lady should sit down and talk. Let it all out, scream and yell if you have to. If you keep it all in, you will end up exploding, and that's not good. I've been there and trashed a couple of really great relationships that way. You say your marriage is "good," so work on it now while you still have the chance.

B

 

[GregR]

f*ck it. you seem to have your mind made up already. If you want out this badly do it now. better now than 10 years and two kids from now. if you aren't committed to the marriage odds are you wont ever be and will just be prolonging the inevitable. from everything you have said here it seems, to me, that you are in a relationship of convenience. I was in a very similar situation recently. I was in the military and engaged to a girl I was dating for the better part of 4 years. things were never bad and anyone would call what we had a 'good' relationship. but I knew something just wasn't right and a marriage would be the worst thing for both of us. being in the military is very hard on a relationship. it turned out that my ex and I, while together for so long, didn't really ever spend much time with each other. I was on deployment or she was on deployment. . . once we both got out and spent all our time with each other I knew it wouldn't work. she was a great friend and I do miss her friendship from time to time but marriage could never have worked. I guess what I'm saying is maybe you guys were more committed to the idea of a relationship with each other rather than the relationship itself. but I could be totally off the mark here. please don't take any of my advice seriously. I am not a counselor, psychiatrist, psychologist, or anyone who is in any way capable of giving sound advice. just throwing out my $0.02

 

[Lil' Sparky]

You asked the question, so here's my honest $0.02

Selfish people have a very hard time making a marriage work. And honestly... almost everything you've posted makes you sound very selfish - everything's about you. If you don't fix that, then you're going to have a miserable marriage, and probably a miserable life regardless. You'll rarely be satisfied, and your wife will resent you for being a selfish SOB.

Happily married people try hard to be considerate of each other and make sure each other's needs are being met. I get a lot of satisfaction out of doing things that make my wife happy, things that "fill her love tank" as she puts it. For example, do I like spending time shopping for clothes? It doesn't even register on my givea****ometer. However, somehow I discovered that she likes it when I go with her and give some input on the things she tries on, knowing I'll like what she wears and all, so I do it. I'll even look around for things that I think she would look cute in. I could die a happy man if I never shop for clothes again, but it makes her happy, and me happy in return. If it was just about me, I'd probably want to just sit around in my undies, drink beer, and watch TV, too.

So I say you have a choice. If you want to be selfish and do whatever the hell you want, leave your wife now, though I doubt you'll be happy. If you want to be a happily married couple, quit being selfish - this will require some work on your part and possibly some help from a counselor, mentor, church family, etc.

I wish you the best of luck and hope you find happiness and contentment.

 

[CodeRage]

Since you asked... Yeah, a complete ********.

Any marriage is work, a lot of work. There is a period when the relationship goes from romance, fun, and flirty to best friends. It's usually full of frustration and drudgery. My wife and I have been together since we were 16, we married at 23, and have been married for 7 years. I often asked myself many times if I had wasted my opportunities to play the field and party with my friends. Looking back now, I wouldn't trade my wife in for all the tea in China.

There are plenty of people who are married to absolute ******* and are just miserable. They would give a testicle to be in a good relationship. Should you leave, and should you ever grow up, you are going to kick the hell out of yourself for throwing away such a good thing.

Some one mentioned the condom free sex... Do like a grocery store and double bag that bad boy... If you are too selfish for a marriage you are entirely way too selfish for children.

 

[Bobby_M]

That's a good point about children. If a wife seems to steal all your fun time, a kid would be as fun as chopping your nuts off.

 

[Homercidal]

Here is an example. I'm happily married for 17 years. Never once thought about not being married. I have my play time, and lots of hobbies.

So I'm bringing some bottles out of the basement, which is very wet and nasty, trying to get my bottles cleaned up and out of the kitchen and into the garage. I find a 2 gallon drink cooler down there, from God knows when. Of course, I immediately grab it up to use as an MLT for trial batches.

As I'm cleaning it, I ask my wife where it came from and does she want to use it. She says she thinks it was from way back when we had a pop up, and we might want it for serving drinks to friends. Well, I say we normally just pop some stuff in a cooler, and anyway I was thinking about using it for brewing.

That is when she stops me and says, "You know, I wish you would show the same kind of attention to your family, as you do for your brewing."

So starts a whole conversation about what I do and what she does, and basically it comes down to I have way more interests and hobbies than I can possibly ever take part in. She basically watches TV and plays Bejeweled on the computer.

I have tried many times to get her to understand that I generally don't care for her tv shows, and mostly don't watch tv unless it's hockey or a good movie or something. Sometimes I sit and watch a movie that I normally wouldn't, just to be with her or the family, but watching a movie isn't "Quality Time" in opinion.

Sure, I need to be more conversational, and pay attention to the family. We ended up walking the dogs down the trail, which we all enjoyed (The kids biked it).

Lesson, sometimes you gotta do what you don't really want to do, and you have to be willing to let the other enjoy their life too. Let her watch her tv, while you play Xbox. But unless you both are into it, it's not quality time. Find some things that you both can enjoy doing.

Here's a hint: It likely won't be the same stuff you'd enjoyed when you were single. You guys are still young. Try some sht that you've never done before.

 

[Evan!]

You committed yourself to this woman, and now you want to welch on the deal because you want to lay around in your boxers all day, drinking yourself silly and playing xbox?

Friend, not only are you an a-hole, you're an immature a-hole.

You're 27 years old. It's time to grow up. Now, if she's a complete fun-vacuum, then that's something you need to sit down and discuss with her, like adults. Getting all whiny about not being able to play your x-box and wanting to run away is something that someone half your age would do. Here in Adult Land™, we have honest conversations with those who we have pledged to spend our lives with, rather than running away so that we can be 18 again. You're 27, not 18, and this is how life works. Talk to the woman---you owe her at least that much. If she really loves you and cares about you, then she will understand, and she will work to help make things better for both of you. But bottling it up and smiling politely and sitting there through Jon and Kate plus 8, and then one day she wakes up to find you and your stuff gone, is no good for anyone. However, if she truly makes you unhappy and she is unwilling to compromise for the good of the marriage, then maybe things need to move in another direction...but that is something that is a last resort, after you have tried to work it out. But for chrissake...at least be honest with the woman before you talk about giving up on the marriage that you pledged yourself to.

 

[MeatyPortion]

Talk with some of your mutual friends too. As internet buddies we are at a certain disadvantage when it comes to actually knowing you and being able to observe you in the wild. There may be (and I'm quite sure there is) much more to this then we've been privy to and it would benefit immensely from IRL observations. Do you hang out with your squad leader? Talk to him about it. As a squad leader I've already had to deal with 2 or 3 relationship issues during this deployment and I've been brutally honest with my guys.

In short: we're here for you but our advice can only be useful to a certain extent; talk to your friends (talk to your wife too, of course).

 

[Mutilated1]

However my only real reason for wanting to leave is that i miss the freedoms of being single. Drink as much as I want, or do nothing on a saturday except sit around in my boxers.

Hang in there.. You said you'd only been married 2 years ? You're still in the honey moon phase, another year or so and you can sit around in your underwear and drink beer all day long on a Saturday no matter if she likes it or not - hell, go ahead and get started this weekend and get her used to it.

 

[Evan!]

Hang in there.. You said you'd only been married 2 years ? You're still in the honey moon phase, another year or so and you can sit around in your underwear and drink beer all day long on a Saturday no matter if she likes it or not - hell, go ahead and get started this weekend and get her used to it.

that's a good point, though not exactly eloquently expressed. If you keep giving in to her nagging, then she's going to keep making you do what she wants by nagging more. And soon, you're an empty shell of your former self, reduced to spending your nights watching Bravo and TLC and obeying your wife's every order. By consistently giving in to her demands (no video games, no drinking, no laying around in your boxers), you are as much at fault as she is, because you're enabling this situation. Stand up for yourself. Find a happy medium---do what you want, let her do what she wants, but compromise to give what each other wants from the other one. In other words, stand up for yourself, but don't be a dick. There's got to be a happy medium in between the two extremes of total freedom to drink yourself silly while playing xbox in your boxers, and being forced to watch reality crap on TV with your wife.

 

[EvilGnome6]

There's got to be a happy medium in between the two extremes of total freedom to drink yourself silly while playing xbox in your boxers, and being forced to watch reality crap on TV with your wife.

You could drink yourself silly while watching crap TV with your wife as she wears nothing but a pair of your boxers. Now THAT's compromise!

 

[IrregularPulse]

I just feel like i am in a no win situation, here is an example:

she doesn't like watching me play the x-box, so i have bought my own tv for the bedroom. now she dosen't like me playing it b/c i don't spend the evening with her. So i stop playing all together but i only end up watching john and kate plus 8 or something similar.

Get out of my living room! I was in this exact spot 2 years ago. I had no desire to leave my wife over it, but same spot. Bought a seperate monitor for the 360 in the spare room. It worked out great, but I found I don't enjoy it nearly as much any more. I was never a HUGE Gamer. Wife still wants me to sit and watch crap tv with her and complains when I want to go into the garage because I'm not spending time with her. I've expained I'd rather be in the garage getting something done that needs done instead of watching Trash on TV and invited her to the garage with me. She declines and I explain watching tv together is not spending time together. It's gotten better just by talking about it. I now have a monthly brew day to myself and weekly golf day. My biggest problem, and possibly yours, is trying to get her to take time for herself. We have a 1 year old and she doesn't like taking time away from him. It makes it harder to get time for yourself when they won't take time for themselves, but if you give them every opportunity to and encourage them to, then you can't feel bad about taking your time.

I've often thought, "What would life be like if I was single? " I would be living in an apartment, have a new truck, dirtbike, and motorcycle, no savings account and bored most of the time cause all my friends are married with kids. I couldn't imagine my life without my wife and kid, but enjoy a day here and there without them. That is perfectly normal.

Don't give up on the marriage because you want to be a kid again. That is a A-hole move. At the same time, I can see being in the military giving you a completely different outlook on life not wanting to waste a single day on the couch watching crap reality tv!. I'm starting to get like this really bad and I've always been a lazy-ass. I'm trying to pull SWMBO out of it too. I've suggested unsubscribing to cable TV, but it's like suggesting we start worshiping the devil. If you're not happy with her activity level, you need to leave her on the couch and fulfill your needs. It will drive you crazy. But make sure she knows she is welcome and preferred to participate, but she's not going to hold you back and turn you into a couch potato.

 

[GearBeer]

...reduced to spending your nights watching Lifetime and The Oprah Network and obeying your wife's every order.

Fixed that for ya.

Talk with some of your mutual friends too. As internet buddies we are at a certain disadvantage when it comes to actually knowing you and being able to observe you in the wild. There may be (and I'm quite sure there is) much more to this then we've been privy to and it would benefit immensely from IRL observations. Do you hang out with your squad leader? Talk to him about it. As a squad leader I've already had to deal with 2 or 3 relationship issues during this deployment and I've been brutally honest with my guys.

In short: we're here for you but our advice can only be useful to a certain extent; talk to your friends (talk to your wife too, of course).

MP makes a very, very good point above. My best and first friend is in a bad relationship. We (His half sister, twin sister, brothers, and 6 or 7 of his closes friends) have told him that she's no good for him and he won't be happy. He's not happy but he refuses to do anything about it (reasoning unknown, but I can speculate).

Ok, back to you: ASK your friends. They will give an honest evaluation of your relationship.

 

[beerkrump]

Well we got married b/c we were living together, and figured it was time for the next step before I went on deployment (we had been together almost a year at that point). We enjoyed each other's company and had alot of fun doing things together. Now I enjoy things more when she's not around.

You married a roommate, not a soul mate. I married the woman I love and with whom want to spend the rest of my days. I look forward to seeing her every morning when I awaken and every evening when I get off work. We've had fights and arguments, but always know that we will never be apart.

It really throws me that you didn't mention love in the reason for marriage.

 

[DeathBrewer]

I guess that depends on how you define love. From a scientific standpoint, it is a chemical reaction involving lust and attraction, generally lasting about 2 years.

Companionship is term that better suits a continued relationship. One doesn't need marriage to have companionship.

I have loved and cared for many people in my life, and still deeply care for a few of my ex-girlfriends, friends, even animals. Wouldn't marry them, however, as none of them were suited to be MY lifetime companion.

 

[GregR]

You married a roommate, not a soul mate. I married the woman I love and with whom want to spend the rest of my days. I look forward to seeing her every morning when I awaken and every evening when I get off work. We've had fights and arguments, but always know that we will never be apart.

It really throws me that you didn't mention love in the reason for marriage.

that's why I told him to leave. everyone can say all they want about being mature and owning up to the promise he made, but if he doesn't love her (hell the best he's had to say about her is that they are in a 'good' relationship) it's mean to her to have her think otherwise. let her go find someone who does love her and does want to be with her. don't keep her in a loveless marriage just because you are struggling with wanting to sit in your underwear and play xbox.

 

[beerkrump]

I guess that depends on how you define love. From a scientific standpoint, it is a chemical reaction involving lust and attraction, generally lasting about 2 years.

Companionship is term that better suits a continued relationship. One doesn't need marriage to have companionship.

I have loved and cared for many people in my life, and still deeply care for a few of my ex-girlfriends, friends, even animals. Wouldn't marry them, however, as none of them were suited to be MY lifetime companion.

That's why I had love and lifetime companion there. He had neither.

My "lust and attraction" is going on 17 years now.

FWIW, the OP doesn't even mention lust, attraction, or even if the sex was any good. It sounds like a marriage of convenience.

 

[DeathBrewer]

He actually did say that they love each other in the first post. I'm just saying that depending on your definition of "love", it still may not be a good reason to marry.

I get daily reinforcement that if I ever marry a woman, she will have to be compatible and we should be able to communicate. There's nothing that annoys me more than the constant bickering of couples...they never get across to each other and the bickering will continue for the next 40 years.

TALK to each other. Tell her exactly how you feel. If you can't work it out, if you can't understand each other, than it will never work. And despite previous posts about the priviledges of marriage, I hope you're wearing a condom if you don't want a family.

 

[the bunnay]

I guess that depends on how you define love. From a scientific standpoint, it is a chemical reaction involving lust and attraction, generally lasting about 2 years.

Companionship is term that better suits a continued relationship. One doesn't need marriage to have companionship.

I have loved and cared for many people in my life, and still deeply care for a few of my ex-girlfriends, friends, even animals. Wouldn't marry them, however, as none of them were suited to be MY lifetime companion.

The scientific picture isn't all That bleak in recent research, DB but your point is well taken.

As to this gentleman's dilemma, spend some time really thinking about what you want from life. Now, in 5 years, in 20 years-- talk to some friends and confidantes for their perspective and think about who you see as successful couples in people you know and what qualities in their relationships you want in yours. When you have a clear idea of what it is you want and what is important to you, then have a long talk with your wife. Not a big screaming and yelling sort of thing, but really sit down and try to find out what it is that she wants out of life (she may need some time to similarly soul search once you bring up the topic) and see if your lives are compatible. Life is full of compromises, and you may find that common ground is easier to get to and more rewarding than you thought.

That being said, if you don't Love her in the way that is meaningful to you or in the way she needs then it is probably better to know that now and strike a different path particularly before you have children and complicate things. Staying with someone out of a sense of obligation does no one any favors, breeds resentment and keeps her from finding someone who actually Will love her in the manner that she deserves.

Take some time to figure out what it is you really want out of life, though. After some soul searching you may find that it isn't all xbox and boxer shorts.

 

[beerkrump]

Amen, DB brother. The ability to be honest and communicate are a big part to any successful relationship.

Big ****s help, too.

 

[DeathBrewer]

The scientific picture isn't all That bleak in recent research, DB but your point is well taken.

Good news. Good to know some people continue with their passion (and I have met people like this), but unfortunately this is not the case with the majority of relationships I've witness.

 

[jgln]

I miss not being able to sleep with any woman I choose but these days the pickin is slim (very slim) anyway so I am happy. Hard for me to fathom being with the same woman since you were a teen. I mean, sure you can love her but something about lack of adventure would be hard to give up at such any early age. I am not young anymore and like I said I can pass on the woman who do want me now, but if I constantly had hot 20-30 something’s banging on my door I would so torn.

Now I didn't read all the posts but if sitting in your underwear and drinking beer is your only issue I would stay put and give it more time for sure.

 

[jerryodom]

Have a few serious conversations and figure it out with her. Who knows she might be tired of your sh*t too. On the other hand you two might just start really communicating and work it out. One thing you can take to the bank is that you've both got to change to make it work.

 

[DeathBrewer]

You don't have to change. People don't change for other people, they only change for themselves (children excepted.) You just need to communicate, decide what YOU want and make up your mind. Communicate, Communicate, Communicate. Friends (especially imaginary internet friends) can only tell you so much. YOU TWO have to decide what you want for yourselves.

 

[IrregularPulse]

You don't have to change. People don't change for other people, they only change for themselves (children excepted.) You just need to communicate, decide what YOU want and make up your mind. Communicate, Communicate, Communicate. Friends (especially imaginary internet friends) can only tell you so much. YOU TWO have to decide what you want for yourselves.

QFT, they shouldn't have to change. They got together being who they are and should be able to be happy with each other the way they are. Don't change yourself for someone, Find someone who digs you for what you currently are.

 

[nutty_gnome]

OP's situation is normal; gut it out. Remember why you got into this mess in the first place.

 

[jerryodom]

You don't have to change. People don't change for other people, they only change for themselves (children excepted.) You just need to communicate, decide what YOU want and make up your mind. Communicate, Communicate, Communicate. Friends (especially imaginary internet friends) can only tell you so much. YOU TWO have to decide what you want for yourselves.

Deciding to communicate when you weren't before is changing behaviour. People who have unresolved issues over what's on TV clearly need to change their communication patterns.