so am I an Ahole?

[MeatyPortion]

Talk with some of your mutual friends too. As internet buddies we are at a certain disadvantage when it comes to actually knowing you and being able to observe you in the wild. There may be (and I'm quite sure there is) much more to this then we've been privy to and it would benefit immensely from IRL observations. Do you hang out with your squad leader? Talk to him about it. As a squad leader I've already had to deal with 2 or 3 relationship issues during this deployment and I've been brutally honest with my guys.

In short: we're here for you but our advice can only be useful to a certain extent; talk to your friends (talk to your wife too, of course).

 

[Mutilated1]

However my only real reason for wanting to leave is that i miss the freedoms of being single. Drink as much as I want, or do nothing on a saturday except sit around in my boxers.

Hang in there.. You said you'd only been married 2 years ? You're still in the honey moon phase, another year or so and you can sit around in your underwear and drink beer all day long on a Saturday no matter if she likes it or not - hell, go ahead and get started this weekend and get her used to it.

 

[Evan!]

Hang in there.. You said you'd only been married 2 years ? You're still in the honey moon phase, another year or so and you can sit around in your underwear and drink beer all day long on a Saturday no matter if she likes it or not - hell, go ahead and get started this weekend and get her used to it.

that's a good point, though not exactly eloquently expressed. If you keep giving in to her nagging, then she's going to keep making you do what she wants by nagging more. And soon, you're an empty shell of your former self, reduced to spending your nights watching Bravo and TLC and obeying your wife's every order. By consistently giving in to her demands (no video games, no drinking, no laying around in your boxers), you are as much at fault as she is, because you're enabling this situation. Stand up for yourself. Find a happy medium---do what you want, let her do what she wants, but compromise to give what each other wants from the other one. In other words, stand up for yourself, but don't be a dick. There's got to be a happy medium in between the two extremes of total freedom to drink yourself silly while playing xbox in your boxers, and being forced to watch reality crap on TV with your wife.

 

[EvilGnome6]

There's got to be a happy medium in between the two extremes of total freedom to drink yourself silly while playing xbox in your boxers, and being forced to watch reality crap on TV with your wife.

You could drink yourself silly while watching crap TV with your wife as she wears nothing but a pair of your boxers. Now THAT's compromise!

 

[IrregularPulse]

I just feel like i am in a no win situation, here is an example:

she doesn't like watching me play the x-box, so i have bought my own tv for the bedroom. now she dosen't like me playing it b/c i don't spend the evening with her. So i stop playing all together but i only end up watching john and kate plus 8 or something similar.

Get out of my living room! I was in this exact spot 2 years ago. I had no desire to leave my wife over it, but same spot. Bought a seperate monitor for the 360 in the spare room. It worked out great, but I found I don't enjoy it nearly as much any more. I was never a HUGE Gamer. Wife still wants me to sit and watch crap tv with her and complains when I want to go into the garage because I'm not spending time with her. I've expained I'd rather be in the garage getting something done that needs done instead of watching Trash on TV and invited her to the garage with me. She declines and I explain watching tv together is not spending time together. It's gotten better just by talking about it. I now have a monthly brew day to myself and weekly golf day. My biggest problem, and possibly yours, is trying to get her to take time for herself. We have a 1 year old and she doesn't like taking time away from him. It makes it harder to get time for yourself when they won't take time for themselves, but if you give them every opportunity to and encourage them to, then you can't feel bad about taking your time.

I've often thought, "What would life be like if I was single? " I would be living in an apartment, have a new truck, dirtbike, and motorcycle, no savings account and bored most of the time cause all my friends are married with kids. I couldn't imagine my life without my wife and kid, but enjoy a day here and there without them. That is perfectly normal.

Don't give up on the marriage because you want to be a kid again. That is a A-hole move. At the same time, I can see being in the military giving you a completely different outlook on life not wanting to waste a single day on the couch watching crap reality tv!. I'm starting to get like this really bad and I've always been a lazy-ass. I'm trying to pull SWMBO out of it too. I've suggested unsubscribing to cable TV, but it's like suggesting we start worshiping the devil. If you're not happy with her activity level, you need to leave her on the couch and fulfill your needs. It will drive you crazy. But make sure she knows she is welcome and preferred to participate, but she's not going to hold you back and turn you into a couch potato.

 

[GearBeer]

...reduced to spending your nights watching Lifetime and The Oprah Network and obeying your wife's every order.

Fixed that for ya.

Talk with some of your mutual friends too. As internet buddies we are at a certain disadvantage when it comes to actually knowing you and being able to observe you in the wild. There may be (and I'm quite sure there is) much more to this then we've been privy to and it would benefit immensely from IRL observations. Do you hang out with your squad leader? Talk to him about it. As a squad leader I've already had to deal with 2 or 3 relationship issues during this deployment and I've been brutally honest with my guys.

In short: we're here for you but our advice can only be useful to a certain extent; talk to your friends (talk to your wife too, of course).

MP makes a very, very good point above. My best and first friend is in a bad relationship. We (His half sister, twin sister, brothers, and 6 or 7 of his closes friends) have told him that she's no good for him and he won't be happy. He's not happy but he refuses to do anything about it (reasoning unknown, but I can speculate).

Ok, back to you: ASK your friends. They will give an honest evaluation of your relationship.

 

[beerkrump]

Well we got married b/c we were living together, and figured it was time for the next step before I went on deployment (we had been together almost a year at that point). We enjoyed each other's company and had alot of fun doing things together. Now I enjoy things more when she's not around.

You married a roommate, not a soul mate. I married the woman I love and with whom want to spend the rest of my days. I look forward to seeing her every morning when I awaken and every evening when I get off work. We've had fights and arguments, but always know that we will never be apart.

It really throws me that you didn't mention love in the reason for marriage.

 

[DeathBrewer]

I guess that depends on how you define love. From a scientific standpoint, it is a chemical reaction involving lust and attraction, generally lasting about 2 years.

Companionship is term that better suits a continued relationship. One doesn't need marriage to have companionship.

I have loved and cared for many people in my life, and still deeply care for a few of my ex-girlfriends, friends, even animals. Wouldn't marry them, however, as none of them were suited to be MY lifetime companion.

 

[GregR]

You married a roommate, not a soul mate. I married the woman I love and with whom want to spend the rest of my days. I look forward to seeing her every morning when I awaken and every evening when I get off work. We've had fights and arguments, but always know that we will never be apart.

It really throws me that you didn't mention love in the reason for marriage.

that's why I told him to leave. everyone can say all they want about being mature and owning up to the promise he made, but if he doesn't love her (hell the best he's had to say about her is that they are in a 'good' relationship) it's mean to her to have her think otherwise. let her go find someone who does love her and does want to be with her. don't keep her in a loveless marriage just because you are struggling with wanting to sit in your underwear and play xbox.

 

[beerkrump]

I guess that depends on how you define love. From a scientific standpoint, it is a chemical reaction involving lust and attraction, generally lasting about 2 years.

Companionship is term that better suits a continued relationship. One doesn't need marriage to have companionship.

I have loved and cared for many people in my life, and still deeply care for a few of my ex-girlfriends, friends, even animals. Wouldn't marry them, however, as none of them were suited to be MY lifetime companion.

That's why I had love and lifetime companion there. He had neither.

My "lust and attraction" is going on 17 years now.

FWIW, the OP doesn't even mention lust, attraction, or even if the sex was any good. It sounds like a marriage of convenience.

 

[DeathBrewer]

He actually did say that they love each other in the first post. I'm just saying that depending on your definition of "love", it still may not be a good reason to marry.

I get daily reinforcement that if I ever marry a woman, she will have to be compatible and we should be able to communicate. There's nothing that annoys me more than the constant bickering of couples...they never get across to each other and the bickering will continue for the next 40 years.

TALK to each other. Tell her exactly how you feel. If you can't work it out, if you can't understand each other, than it will never work. And despite previous posts about the priviledges of marriage, I hope you're wearing a condom if you don't want a family.

 

[the bunnay]

I guess that depends on how you define love. From a scientific standpoint, it is a chemical reaction involving lust and attraction, generally lasting about 2 years.

Companionship is term that better suits a continued relationship. One doesn't need marriage to have companionship.

I have loved and cared for many people in my life, and still deeply care for a few of my ex-girlfriends, friends, even animals. Wouldn't marry them, however, as none of them were suited to be MY lifetime companion.

The scientific picture isn't all That bleak in recent research, DB but your point is well taken.

As to this gentleman's dilemma, spend some time really thinking about what you want from life. Now, in 5 years, in 20 years-- talk to some friends and confidantes for their perspective and think about who you see as successful couples in people you know and what qualities in their relationships you want in yours. When you have a clear idea of what it is you want and what is important to you, then have a long talk with your wife. Not a big screaming and yelling sort of thing, but really sit down and try to find out what it is that she wants out of life (she may need some time to similarly soul search once you bring up the topic) and see if your lives are compatible. Life is full of compromises, and you may find that common ground is easier to get to and more rewarding than you thought.

That being said, if you don't Love her in the way that is meaningful to you or in the way she needs then it is probably better to know that now and strike a different path particularly before you have children and complicate things. Staying with someone out of a sense of obligation does no one any favors, breeds resentment and keeps her from finding someone who actually Will love her in the manner that she deserves.

Take some time to figure out what it is you really want out of life, though. After some soul searching you may find that it isn't all xbox and boxer shorts.

 

[beerkrump]

Amen, DB brother. The ability to be honest and communicate are a big part to any successful relationship.

Big boobs help, too.

 

[DeathBrewer]

The scientific picture isn't all That bleak in recent research, DB but your point is well taken.

Good news. Good to know some people continue with their passion (and I have met people like this), but unfortunately this is not the case with the majority of relationships I've witness.

 

[jgln]

I miss not being able to sleep with any woman I choose but these days the pickin is slim (very slim) anyway so I am happy. Hard for me to fathom being with the same woman since you were a teen. I mean, sure you can love her but something about lack of adventure would be hard to give up at such any early age. I am not young anymore and like I said I can pass on the woman who do want me now, but if I constantly had hot 20-30 something’s banging on my door I would so torn.

Now I didn't read all the posts but if sitting in your underwear and drinking beer is your only issue I would stay put and give it more time for sure.

 

[jerryodom]

Have a few serious conversations and figure it out with her. Who knows she might be tired of your sh*t too. On the other hand you two might just start really communicating and work it out. One thing you can take to the bank is that you've both got to change to make it work.

 

[DeathBrewer]

You don't have to change. People don't change for other people, they only change for themselves (children excepted.) You just need to communicate, decide what YOU want and make up your mind. Communicate, Communicate, Communicate. Friends (especially imaginary internet friends) can only tell you so much. YOU TWO have to decide what you want for yourselves.

 

[IrregularPulse]

You don't have to change. People don't change for other people, they only change for themselves (children excepted.) You just need to communicate, decide what YOU want and make up your mind. Communicate, Communicate, Communicate. Friends (especially imaginary internet friends) can only tell you so much. YOU TWO have to decide what you want for yourselves.

QFT, they shouldn't have to change. They got together being who they are and should be able to be happy with each other the way they are. Don't change yourself for someone, Find someone who digs you for what you currently are.

 

[nutty_gnome]

OP's situation is normal; gut it out. Remember why you got into this mess in the first place.

 

[jerryodom]

You don't have to change. People don't change for other people, they only change for themselves (children excepted.) You just need to communicate, decide what YOU want and make up your mind. Communicate, Communicate, Communicate. Friends (especially imaginary internet friends) can only tell you so much. YOU TWO have to decide what you want for yourselves.

Deciding to communicate when you weren't before is changing behaviour. People who have unresolved issues over what's on TV clearly need to change their communication patterns.

 

[DeathBrewer]

I think you're being to technical (and this may be hypocritical coming from MISTER technical over here) on your definition of communication. Yes, some people don't communicate very well, but without communication, you can't have a relationship at all.

So if someone wants to be an introvert loner that doesn't discuss things, but sits in their room and doesn't talk to anyone, then you CANNOT HAVE a relationship. I'm assuming that since they lived with each other for so long, decided to get married, and NOW they are having problems, that in the past they have at least argued, discussed matters and worked things out.

I may be wrong. But if I'm wrong and there is no communication, then there is no marriage.

 

[Clayton]

yes you are a cock bag.
it sounds like you had this girl marry you just because you got deployed.
You were scared and did not want to be alone, wanted someone at home missing you and worrying about you.

now that you are back, you dont need that any more and just want to run wild.

that makes you a huge *******.
but i dont think there is a cure, you should just tell this girl that now you are home you dont need her anymore and let her go.
how ever you should stay single and get a vasectomy asap.

 

[brewthunda]

I think it's totally normal for a married guy to periodically think "man, I wish I was single again so I could do whatever I want whenever I want." Part of a relationship is compromise, and every time you do something that you don't really want to do, or more importantly every time you don't do something that you really want to do, that thought sneaks up.

But then personally I know that I don't really want to be single - I just want to fantasize a bit about having no responsibilities. The freedom to do random irresponsible thing, like buying an Uzi on a whim or rebuilding engine parts on the kitchen counter. I don't really want the other stuff - like being away from my wife or being bored and lonely. I know that as a single guy I'd probably just turn into a really quiet, boring guy with a bunch of oddball hobbies and random toys. 10 years from now I don't want to be a 45 yr old guy in my underwear playing Xbox all day. Overall, marriage is a good thing for me and who I am. The trick is making sure that we do a lot of things together, but then also have our own hobbies that the other supports.

So think about where you want to be 10 years from now and what kind of person you want to be. Think about whether there are any changes you can make at home that will give you what you're looking for - like making sure you have a day every other week or so where you can do your hobbies.

You might just decide that marriage isn't for you and that you really do want to be a professional bachelor. But you might just discover that you are better of making your marriage work.

 

[humann_brewing]

I think it's totally normal for a married guy to periodically think "man, I wish I was single again so I could do whatever I want whenever I want." Part of a relationship is compromise, and every time you do something that you don't really want to do, or more importantly every time you don't do something that you really want to do, that thought sneaks up.

I think we have all had thoughts like that. I enjoy the time when my wife is away but I also look forward to her coming back.

Would I be heart broken if she stayed out of town a week longer? No

Would I be heart broken if she stayed out of town for the rest of my life? Hell Yeah!

 

[malkore]

Yeah I understand that a marriage is all about comunication, compromise, and it takes work. I just look at my life as it was 2.5 years ago. Since I have been married I have noticed that my life has become more work, and that I enjoy the day to day less than I did when I was single.

That's just LIFE man...married or not, we stop doing lots of 'fun stuff' like we did in our youth.
Or it just feels boring now with all our experiences.

I think that's the problem...you seem bored and you want to shake things up for some excitement. But divorcing someone you admit you love isn't the way to do it.

Ya'll need a hobby TOGETHER that doesn't involve a tv set.

 

[HoppyDaze]

yes you are a cock bag.
it sounds like you had this girl marry you just because you got deployed.
You were scared and did not want to be alone, wanted someone at home missing you and worrying about you.

now that you are back, you dont need that any more and just want to run wild.

that makes you a huge *******.
but i dont think there is a cure, you should just tell this girl that now you are home you dont need her anymore and let her go.
how ever you should stay single and get a vasectomy asap.

oh snap....take that

 

[JoshuaWhite5522]

Actually she wanted to get married more than I did, and my initial idea was to wait until after the deployment to tie the knot. I was not scared to be alone and in truth didn't want her to sit at home and miss me. If that was the case I wouldn't be thinking about leaving now that I am about 5 or 6 weeks from deployment #2.

 

[JoshuaWhite5522]

But I do get the point. One cannot give up without a fight, there is a solution it just needs to be found. We do need to get out and do more things together. Find an activity that we can both enjoy. After all there are things we do enjoy. We can both watch Showtimes Weeds without growing tired. We both enjoy thowing dinner parties wth other couples. More of things such as that would definitely help.

 

[Yooper]

But I do get the point. One cannot give up without a fight, there is a solution it just needs to be found. We do need to get out and do more things together. Find an activity that we can both enjoy. After all there are things we do enjoy. We can both watch Showtimes Weeds without growing tired. We both enjoy thowing dinner parties wth other couples. More of things such as that would definitely help.

You got kinda beat up here, but believe me when I say that we can all relate.

I think people in long-term relationships forget about the things that brought them together. When my husband and I first met, we often had spur-of-the-moment picnics, and took long walks. It would be very easy now to put on my pajamas early, and veg in front of the TV. Being interesting (and interested) takes some effort. It's easier to not put forth the effort.

Having dinner parties with other couples is a great boredom buster. So is going out and shooting pool with other couples. If your marital relationship revolves around what's on TV, that's a very sad state. So don't do that!

 

[sidewinder02132]

As an infantry man, I'm guessing that you've been through some EPIC stress on deployment. Now, this causes all sorts of interesting changes in brain chemistry that manifest themselves in odd ways. For example, traumatic stress often doesn't reach its emotional maximum until 12-18 months after the event, on average. I'm not saying you've got PTSD, but stress takes its toll in a variety of ways. Another example, you mentioned your feelings about the differences in how you two generate the family income. Don't minimize what she does b/c honestly, who has the strength to put up with the $#*! that people bring into the office? As a classic story, read about Odysseus in the Odyssey. While Odysseus was roaming the Med in battle and trying to get home, and laid along the way, his wife was at home fending off suitors that had more in common with leeches than humanity. Her struggle was a struggle of the mind! An insight we continue to re-learn about how men and women operate. ;-)

I've seen a lot of good feedback from people here. Take the time to build your own views from it all then enjoy where the conversation takes you both. I think you'll be fine in your marriage. The fact that you asked this question means you're looking for a path forward and I'm sure, with a little help from us all, we can find the trail.

When you get back, I'll be happy to send along some grains and hops for your first brew. Come home safe, with honor, and like Odysseus himself, with some excellent stories to share!

 

[HillbillyDeluxe]

Here is a bit of advice from the king of the ********!!!

Ft bragg NC 1990, i got me a band new barracks room and a smelly turd of a roommate that wanted to do nothing but read hustler and jerk off 6 feet from me while i tried to sleep. Went out, met a nice girl, and decided that i was in love and wanted to marry after our long courtship. (Translation: Had to get out of that ****ing barracks and the first buffarilla i found that would marry my sorry ass after dating two weeks is a keeper!)

Got throught the first gulf war alright(It was a joke of a deployment). Then got sent to support the tenth mountain in somalia, came back and nothing was the same. Life was too short to waste with someone who was nothing more than BAQ and VHA with the FSA to boot. (All those things are called something else now i know.) Knocked her up on the way out though, still got that payment for another three years.(Love my kid though).

Several years nd many physical, mental and emotional scars later i retired from the military(PEB), met a girl, got married and am very happy. You do not see the world as most of these idiots on here do. They have not been through an experience that forces you to be cold and unreceptive to the emotions of others(even those we love). They certainly dont realize what it is like to be afraid 24 hours a day 7 days a week for months at a time, and then suddenly your home and every problem they have is a catastrophy to them but a mere annoyance to you.

Listen to MP, go see the chaps, go see the doc's, and if you really love ur wife, take her with you. Its still fixable. If she is just a wa to secure lodging off post then get rid of her, put both of you out of what is certainly to be an escallating bad situation.

 

[CodeRage]

Here is a bit of advice from the king of the ********!!!

Ft bragg NC 1990, i got me a band new barracks room and a smelly turd of a roommate that wanted to do nothing but read hustler and jerk off 6 feet from me while i tried to sleep. Went out, met a nice girl, and decided that i was in love and wanted to marry after our long courtship. (Translation: Had to get out of that ****ing barracks and the first buffarilla i found that would marry my sorry ass after dating two weeks is a keeper!)

Got throught the first gulf war alright(It was a joke of a deployment). Then got sent to support the tenth mountain in somalia, came back and nothing was the same. Life was too short to waste with someone who was nothing more than BAQ and VHA with the FSA to boot. (All those things are called something else now i know.) Knocked her up on the way out though, still got that payment for another three years.(Love my kid though).

Several years nd many physical, mental and emotional scars later i retired from the military(PEB), met a girl, got married and am very happy. You do not see the world as most of these idiots on here do. They have not been through an experience that forces you to be cold and unreceptive to the emotions of others(even those we love). They certainly dont realize what it is like to be afraid 24 hours a day 7 days a week for months at a time, and then suddenly your home and every problem they have is a catastrophy to them but a mere annoyance to you.

Listen to MP, go see the chaps, go see the doc's, and if you really love ur wife, take her with you. Its still fixable. If she is just a wa to secure lodging off post then get rid of her, put both of you out of what is certainly to be an escallating bad situation.

Hey it's cool. Come on a board and ask a bunch of civi strangers about whether you think you are doing the right or wrong thing. When in actuality you are approval seeking to support a decision you already made.

Hillybilly, thanks for your service, and no, I don't understand the horrors of war but that makes us no less of an idiot than you for any other given topic. If some one was so cold and hardened to life then why would they be here whining and complaining about something as trivial as playing Xbox in his boxer shorts. give me a break.

 

[MikeFlynn74]

Hey it's cool. Come on a board and ask a bunch of civi strangers about whether you think you are doing the right or wrong thing. When in actuality you are approval seeking to support a decision you already made.

Hillybilly, thanks for your service, and no, I don't understand the horrors of war but that makes us no less of an idiot than you for any other given topic. If some one was so cold and hardened to life then why would they be here whining and complaining about something as trivial as playing Xbox in his boxer shorts. give me a break.

Right but there is a time for xboxin and a time for being together. Neithter should do somethng they both hate.

 

[HillbillyDeluxe]

Hey it's cool. Come on a board and ask a bunch of civi strangers about whether you think you are doing the right or wrong thing. When in actuality you are approval seeking to support a decision you already made.

Hillybilly, thanks for your service, and no, I don't understand the horrors of war but that makes us no less of an idiot than you for any other given topic. If some one was so cold and hardened to life then why would they be here whining and complaining about something as trivial as playing Xbox in his boxer shorts. give me a break.

I apologize for use of the word "Idiot" aformentined in the post, i had a few ant the conversation struck a nerve. However dont even begin to speculate as to what makes a man an ******* or a selfish or childish person until you have had simmilar experiances. So i simply state, butt out.

Meaty, I, and a few others know what this guy is saying. You see: I wanna play my XBOX, we see: I want to be somewhere else.

I'm not going any deeper into this, i ask that those who arent experienced at this sort of thing do either.

I will say to the OP you have brothers all around you, use them. The Chaps help more than you know. (Ihave seen a Doc or 2 also). This is not the place for your pain, and there is no help here. Use the assets in front of you.

If there is more to discuss PM me and i'll guide you where the help is.

 

[DeathBrewer]

C'mon, Hillbilly. One doesn't need to go to war to have traumatizing experiences and not everyone in the military has the same experience.

I think you got a little tunnel vision goin on there from your nerve being struck. No one was ever belittling your experience or anyone else's, but that doesn't mean that you are enterpreting everything correctly, either.

This "you see, we see" stuff is all speculation unless you magically know exactly what the OPs motivation and personal feelings are. And the idea that our opinion is any less meaninful than yours is BS. I for one would encourage opinions from all different areas in situations such as this.

The man asked, we gave our opinions. You telling us to butt out because you feel a brotherhood "we couldn't possibly understand" accomplishes nothing but a perceived disrespect for the majority of the people here. It accomplishes nothing and it's an incorrect assumption regardless.

 

[Yooper]

Very close to bordering on personal attacks here. I suggest any name calling be removed via an edit.

 

[DeathBrewer]

Good point. Edited...better clarification, actually.

 

[HillbillyDeluxe]

Relax Yoop, this aint me and DB's first exchange. And i do respect his opinion. My skin is a little thicker than that, he and i are cool(Edit or not). I like our discussions.

Truthfully, this wasnt a subject i should have waded in to because i think and post more out of emotion than logic.... and i know it. That being said, i guess the message i wanted to relay to the OP was: Dont rely on us Mooks on here for this kind of advice. Boobs, beer, general debauchary, we are here for ya. A GI seeking marital advice after returning from a combat deployment (or in my case spellling)..... Not so much.


And sincirely, my apologies to anyone for getting far to worked up.

 

[CodeRage]

That being said, i guess the message i wanted to relay to the OP was: Dont rely on us Mooks on here for this kind of advice. Boobs, beer, general debauchary, we are here for ya.

I'll drink to that!

 

[Joos]

I'm going out on a limb here.Are you a marine hillbilly?