so am I an Ahole?

[JoshuaWhite5522]

let me start this by saying I've been drinking pretty well tonight while the SWMBO watches True Blood on demand.

So I have been married for 2 years and am in a good marriage, but I have been thinking about throwing in the towel. Sadly I have no "good" reason. The wife and I love each other, are mostly supportive, and we rarely fight. However my only real reason for wanting to leave is that i miss the freedoms of being single. Drink as much as I want, or do nothing on a saturday except sit around in my boxers. I guess that I feel pretty selfish about theses reasons, and i problably should but are they valid ones to act on? I promised to marry myself to this woman forever. I think deep down inside I don't want to have to share my life with anyone anymore, to have to make mutual descisions, and to share income when I work harder for my income (I'm us army infantry and she's a secretary and a medical office).

 

[BeerBudha]

Being a former Infantryman while my ex-wife worked retail I can kinda understand where youre coming from. If you love her I wouldn't do it just because you want your freedom. Maybe just ask her if you could get a saturday once a month to yourself.

 

[jpc]

I don't understand why being married prevents you from sitting around in your skivvies on a Saturday night. Drinking too much? So long as you don't make it a daily habit, why can't she overlook it once in a while?

Also, have you spoken to her about this, or are you assuming on your own that she is against these thing?

In my relationship, we can do what we want so long as it doesn't affect the other one. That means if she wants to go out with her friends, she does it. If I want to go, I can join or not... my choice. Likewise I can do what I want. It's a Friday night and I'm sitting around in my boxers while she's reading in the chair across the room.

Bottom line is that marriage shouldn't change anything, IMO. As much as you are sharing something with someone else, you are still both individuals with your individuals likes and dislikes. There is nothing wrong with doing what you want, so long as the other party isn't affected.

 

[BeerBudha]

Thats a lot more of what I was thinking but couldn't figure out how to write it. I'm going on minimal sleep today.

 

[JoshuaWhite5522]

I just feel like i am in a no win situation, here is an example:

she doesn't like watching me play the x-box, so i have bought my own tv for the bedroom. now she dosen't like me playing it b/c i don't spend the evening with her. So i stop playing all together but i only end up watching john and kate plus 8 or something similar.

 

[jmendez29]

The first thing you gotta do is talk to her about it. I find myself more relaxed when I can get out to my garage to wrench on my snowmobiles or motorcycle or whatnot. My ex-gf used to get pissed when I would spend my time out there, so I would go inside to spend time with her. I would get agitated when all we would do is watch some dum bass show on tv that I have no interest in. One day we got into another argument about it, and I asked her why we have to spend time doing only the things she wants to do. Why can't she come out to the garage to talk to me, I'll even put a chair out there for her.

In the end, it opened up her eyes that I wasn't trying to avoid her, I was just bored and wanted more mental stimulation than the tv could provide. Maybe there's something you can find that interest both of you. Maybe you can just be two individuals living together. This may be a simple case of two people who misunderstand each others wants and needs. I may be two people who are overall incompatible.

Being a divorcee, I wouldn't wish it upon anyone despite the fact that I had an easy divorce. I urge you to try to find a solution to your problems instead of running from them. If its an irreconcilable situation then so be it, but you owe it to yourself and to her to try to find out so you don't ever question whether you made the right decision.

 

[MeatyPortion]

How old are you both? That's one thing to consider since you'll grow out of some of these habits.

I was infantry (now 19D, meh) and just got married last year. We've never had any major issues as far as how to split our time, also I've probably burned myself out on going to the bars (I'm 34), and usually spend some time together each day without getting in arguments. We both like to travel a lot, we both enjoy dining out once in a while, we both like beer, etc. We've found enough common ground that we don't feel insecure when the other goes off to do something by themself.

Talking to her is the best thing you can do right now.

 

[BeerBudha]

19D? I got out all together BP now down in AZ. Did I just hijack this thread?

 

[wolfstar]

+1 to Meaty Portion, especially the part about age and growing out of certain behaviors.

Got married at 32, glad as f*ck I waited. Dated quite a bit, had 2 serious relationships with chics that wanted ME to marry THEM but I was not feeling like I wanted to reciprocate. Now?...Couldn't be happier, no question about it. We each have our hobbies, I am an amateur astronomer, brew beer, break sh*t and blow stuff up...her? she loves dogs (I do to) makes jewelry, and reads more books in a week than a lot of folks do in a year. Do we have a lot in common? Some things, the simple things, each others company, but we also give each other space when needed, and find our respective interests to be OK (as long as I don't burn/hurt myself to bad). Why, because we want each other to be HAPPY above all. I focus on her happiness, support her and she does likewise.

About the xBox, we have one to, and actually we play a lot of games together, Halo, PGR 1&2, Burnout(s) etc. Maybe if you can engage your girl in that activity you might be able to bridge the gap. If all she wants to do is have you accompany her doing activities of her choosing, you will, of course, be resentful. When you meet your life partner, there should not have to be major changes in iether ones behavior or personality to make it work. If changes have to happen because one or the other is unhappy, then it is not a good fit.

Ballance, is the key.

 

[wolfstar]

BTW, after this thread i checked out Metalopalypse thread, my wife was diggin that sh*t...

 

[wild]

I promised to marry myself to this woman forever.

How much do you think your word is worth?

+1 on the communicating with her.
Mutual compromise also helps.

Instead of you in your boxers all the time,
maybe change to one weekend of the month
as "Nude Weekend". If anything, it helps to ensure
getting the chores and shopping get done prior to the weekend.

 

[Sawdustguy]

JoshuaWhite5522,

How old were you when you entered the military and how old were you when you got married?

 

[MikeFlynn74]

GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!

that will help

 

[DeathBrewer]

BTW, after this thread i checked out Metalopalypse thread, my wife was diggin that sh*t...

Do you mean Metalocalypse? What thread??

 

[JoshuaWhite5522]

JoshuaWhite5522,

How old were you when you entered the military and how old were you when you got married?

23 when i entered service 25 when i got married

 

[menschmaschine]

To me, marriage isn't just another relationship... another girlfriend. You made the commitment, now live up to it... just like the enlistment oath you took. Life is about responsibility. You have a responsibility to your marriage. Marriage is about compromise. It's also about communication. If you're feeling inhibited, talk to her. Have a heart-to-heart talk (just don't tell her you were thinking of bailing). Find a way to please both you and her.

So, to answer your question... you're not an a-hole for thinking these thoughts. Virtually every married person has these thoughts at some point. But you act on them, you are.

 

[SisterThelonious]

Hey Josh...don't be so hard on yourself. These are very common marital issues and you guys can work it out...but only if you both invest in doing so. Marriage is like a second job, it takes a lot of hard work, communication, and compromise to make it successful and fullfilling for both.
Just take her out somewhere and talk to her about how you are feeling, as hard as that may be...you never know, maybe she is feeling the same way and has some thoughts about how you both can improve your marriage.

 

[Dwain]

I would say talk to her. She might feel exactly the same way as you do and thinks she needs out. Either she will be totally shocked are she will agree with you. Either way, you'll know where you stand. Luck - Dwain

Oh, S.T. beat me to it. Yeah, what S.T. said

 

[MikeFlynn74]

Where you stationed at?

 

[Joos]

I have no advice for you bud cuz I'm in the same boat.In a way it's a good thing because those women keep you in check.I no longer get into bar fights on a weekly basis and all though I have less toys I do have a big bank account.I got married at 27 so again no advice but I can relate.

 

[Yooper]

I think so many people get sucked into being entertained all the time, they forget how to relate to people. What I mean is stuff like the TV. It seems like when some people are home, their TV is on. Nothing wrong with a TV show now and then, but so many people spend HOURS in front of it. Same with Xbox. Nothing wrong with it- but if you're spending 2-3 hours a day on it, it just replaced your marriage. I can guarantee that when you were dating that you didn't just watch TV and play Xbox every night. You walked, talked, went for a drive, etc.

So, what I'm saying is you allowed yourself to drop into a rut. And so did she. TV and Xbox are fine for what they are- a source of entertainment occasionally for hard working people. When 3/4 of your life outside of work is dominated by these silly activities, though, the marriage suffers.

So, my advice is to talk about this. If you're using TV and video games as an escape, at least recognize it.

I have to say this, though, so you can take my advice for FWIW. I don't even know the last time I turned on my TV. I watch some NFL and NHL, and maybe an occasional news program. I don't have it on even weekly, let alone daily. I don't have a TV at my cottage, where I spend Friday-Sunday spring through fall. I don't have satellite or any other premium TV. I'm not interested- it's not real.

 

[Joos]

Well said yooper.It gets to the point were your just coexisting.kinda like having a roommate.When ever my wife and I go out (not that often)we have a blast,but at home shes always either watching tv or reading.Sorry don't mean to thread jack.

 

[Cheeto]

I am a Soldier and a Husband,

I understand your thoughts of not wanting to be "tied down" I have felt that way several times, that is your Soldier speaking. There are a great many things that you can do without having a family! But you are also a Husband and as one, I find nothing more enjoyable that spending an evening with my wife/best friend. I know that her and I don't like the same things nor do we want to watch the same TV show but there are a great many things that we do to keep from getting in to that rut. If I need an afternoon to veg out on the couch I just tell her.

Playing the Xbox on the TV in the front room I do that as well, all it requires is a bit of conversation...

It sounds like your relationship went from that to a being a Chore or even a utility.

Sign up for one of those Marriage retreats the the BN/BDE Chaplain offers, take the time to become friends again instead of being roommates.....


I am still with my Wife after 30 months of being Deployed ( 2 Deployments) ..... it takes some work from both of you.

Try a mariage retreat or a Mini vacation where you two are the only thing to do no TV no Video games NO Heavy Drinking !!!!

-Jason

 

[JoshuaWhite5522]

Yeah I understand that a marriage is all about comunication, compromise, and it takes work. I just look at my life as it was 2.5 years ago. Since I have been married I have noticed that my life has become more work, and that I enjoy the day to day less than I did when I was single.

 

[farmbrewernw]

It really doesn't sound like it's that bad. I have been married for about 3 years now and my wife and I have done the same sorts of things. I've found that it's not really my wife that brought me down it was myself really. We all get stuck in ruts even when we are not in relationships and all you can do is make a decision to get out of it. Talk to your wife and tell her you would like to mix it up a bit I bet if you put down the tv and the x-box life would be more enjoyable. You said you love her, I think that goes a long way, sure it's hard not to get bored but if you make an effort it's really not that hard, and no a marriage should not be a hassle, it's a job yes but it should be a fun one.

 

[homebrewer_99]

Most of the time I like to stay out of other people's personal business, but as an observation based upon your comments I think you already know the answer to your question.

However, what married guy never thought about the same issues? I'm sure all of us have.

 

[Sawdustguy]

Yeah I understand that a marriage is all about comunication, compromise, and it takes work. I just look at my life as it was 2.5 years ago. Since I have been married I have noticed that my life has become more work, and that I enjoy the day to day less than I did when I was single.

That is easily fixable. Man, the world doesn't revolve around you. I guess we all grow up at different rates, some slower than others. Suck it up and see a marriage counsellor. At least give it a try. If it doesn't work out, get out before you bring a child into this world.

 

[peter4jc]

If you pull the plug now, you'll regret it, and be second-guessing yourself for a long time. I like to ask people who are engaged, why? 99% will say, "Because I want a wife," or "Because I want a husband." The truth is a guy should want to get married to become a husband, and a gal should want to get married to become a wife. Well, it's a mix actually, between wanting a wife and becoming a husband. But the fact is, if a guy would go into it wanting to be a husband, he is focused on giving himself to his bride more than he is on getting a wife. Our job is to make our wives a priority by being a 'servant leader'.

If you'll stop looking at what you're getting out of the deal, and start being creative to make your wife feel like the special person she is, I'll guarantee she'll respond well and you'll both be happy. But it's your responsibility to initiate it, and continue, regardless of her response. If things still wind up in the tank, at least you'll be able to say you gave it your all.

 

[cowgo]

Whoa everyone....let's stop being Dr. Phil and get back to the OP's question:



Yes.

 

[Bobby_M]

You say it's a good marriage but you think you don't want to be married anymore. That's a bit of a contradiction. A good marriage is one you want to be in. Why did you get married in the first place?

What activities do you enjoy doing together (not xbox or reality TV watching obviously)? Do more of the things you both enjoy and reconnect.