That is funny, aj. And spot on.
I bought some a while back, in the range for brewing, and they did NOTHING!
OP I suggest doing a bunch of reading and trying the several spreadsheets that are online. I know there are a couple of great podcasts from basicbrewing.com and thebrewingnetwork.com as well on water chemistry.
While you are filling your mind with all of that, send out for a water report from Ward Labs. With that and a spreadsheet you can get close.
AFTER you get a good feel for how it all works, use the money you have been saving up while learning to buy a good portable pH meter.
ajdelange, mabrungard, Kaiser, and some others, really have a good handle on pH and water chemistry and can really help you understand. Many of them are willing to answer questions directed at them.
Lastly, once you have your report, post it on here and someone will be along to help diagnose it for brewing.