Parenting a teenage daughter

[Devin]

We actually homeschooled our kids for a while. I was against it for a long time, but my wife researched and persisted, and I started to see some of the advantages of home schooling. It was actually a pretty cool experience, and I thought that the kids were really doing well. We gave them the choice of whether they wanted to go back to public school or stay at home this year. They all chose to go back because they missed their friends and the atmosphere.

I still don't know if home school is the way to go or not. I think it is very dependent on the people involved. We are lucky in that we live in a place that has excellent public schools.

And Sharona, you bring up a good point. I do my best to instill confidence in all of my children. But it doesn't mean that I still don't worry and try to keep them from getting hurt. But, it is something that I need to remember, though.

 

[The Pol]

Homeschool kids still have friends, and social lives. Thave youth groups at church, and home schools belong to co-ops where the kids go on field trips together, have some classes together etc. My kids are also involved in sports outside the school. I'd rather have my children socialize with 50 kids who have parents who share our values and who are positive influences, than have them socialize with 300 random students who have such poor parents and values, that they undermine our parenting daily.

I'd take quality socialization over quantity any day. To each their own. The funny thing is that my children's friends, even while attending public school, are overwhelmingly from outside their school and classes.

And let's face it, school is about education, it's not a social hour. And the education provided by public schools is sub par. Also, I hate to say it, each time a school is shot up by another kid with terrible upbringing, I will be glad that my kids are home, and alive.

For the record, we live in one of the very best school districts in Indiana. We built a home here for that reason. Still, a great public school is one size fits all, and the government has done well to make the US education system a poor one. For us though, it really isn't all about the quality of the education, it's about the poor quality of peers our children are exposed to.

It's not for everyone. But it will bring us closer together, I will finally get to see my kids when I am off work Mon-Thurs every week. We will have more control over the influences as they mature. We see it as a better way. Some may not. God bless all our kids. Lord knows they need all of the help they can receive in this poisoned world.

 

[corkybstewart]

It can be done without losing your freedom or sanity. Our daughter will be 28 day after tomorrow, and she's a real delight to be with NOW. It wasn't always that way, but when she screwed up and all the yelling was over, we could sit down and explain to her why she had screwed up and what the consequences could have been. Luckily she always has had a responsible streak to her rebellious personality so it could have been worse. And she had an older brother who helped her understand the reality of life. In fact they are both here from out of town hanging out with their aging parents.

 

[jamespz03]

My step daughter just turned 21 and we've been under one roof since she was 2. I think we have a similar family life regrading this and her real dad just not being there which I am assumption on my part. Forgive me if I'm wrong.

I can feel your pain and believe me she knows you are her dad, father, and mentor.

The hardest part was not the dating but the phases she went through during and after junior high. There were times I wanted to throttle her neck with the way she dressed and who she hung out with. We gently nudged her when needed and it was enough that she was able to see things for herself.

I'm sure you did a great job raising her and she will make the right decisions.

 

[DrunkleJon]

How does that saying go.

When you have a boy, you only have one swinging d to worry about.
When you have a girl, you have to worry about all of the rest of them.

I had to laugh, many years ago when my little sister was in high school going to her first dance, my brothers squirrelly redneck friend came by the house with a tall boy of Bud LIght and pulling her date aside said in a deadpan voice "Whatever you do to her tonight, I am doing to you tomorrow."

I do agree though, if you raise your kid well and they respect you and themselves, you should be able to trust them to make the right decisions. Take care of the variables that you can when raising them, and trust your kid to do the right thing.

 

[Tin4]

I have a 13 year old step-daughter. I have come to view her just as my daughter. I have been her "father figure" since she was about 2. It hasn't been the easiest of rides being the "non-biological". But, it really has turned into something awesome. I also have a younger son and a younger daughter.

Anyway, it has been hard for me to see her enter the realm of being a teenager. Discussion of boys, always thinking about boys, wanting to wear make-up, blah, blah, blah. The hard part is that I remember EXACTLY what I was thinking about when I was a teenage boy. And that scares the heck out of me. Because, unfortunately, I wasn't really thinking about girl's feelings when I was a teenager. So, I have sort of taken a fairly strict approach with my step-daughter. She has asked if she can "date" someone. I told her I won't even consider it until high school.

There are rules for dating my daughter posts that float around the internet. They usually consist of 10 rules that are humorous in some way. Here is my set of rules for dating my daughter:

1. You can't.
2. See rule 1.

But, I know that I can't fight it forever. It sucks, though. She had her first school dance yesterday and it just rocked me. I mean, it really got to me - I was bummed out all last night. It sort of sucks to see your kids grow up - but it is awesome at the same time.

But this teenage girl stuff just doesn't sit well with me. I think I am being too overprotective. You can't stifle things too much without it blowing up big in the end.

Oh well. Thanks for letting me vent.

You said it right there. "what I was thinking about when I was a teenage boy." thinking being the primary word here.

My daughter is 7. My wife and I debate dating all the time. I want her to start as soon as possible so she knows how to interact without the hormones.

 

[Homercidal]

I feel lucky. I have two daughters. One is 20 and doesn't really seem to have any interest in guys or dating (or much socializing, really) and only briefly dated with a younger boy when she was a senior, probably just because he was interested in her and she tried it out.

The other one is 15 and is much more social, but still doesn't show any signs of being interested in boys yet. I am pretty sure at least one boy has indicated that he was interested, to the point where the boys mom was somewhat irked that my daughter didn't go out with him (from what my daughter says, anyway...)

I know a few young girls who are (or were) at the critical age and again, I repeat, I FEEL LUCKY!

Then again, I don't have any boys of my own, so it might be fun to adopt a guy into the family, in a very minor way of course.

So far I have not had the pleasure of being able to clean my guns when a boyfriend has come over to visit.

 

[corkybstewart]

When my daughter was 13 she met a soldier from Ft. Bliss at an El Paso mall. He somehow got her info and started sending her letters. I intercepted one and wrote back to him offering to discuss the situation with his commanding officer. That was the end of that even though my daughter didn't speak to me for a couple of weeks.

 

[kombat]

But raising children is the highest calling on earth.

I just threw up in my mouth.

 

[JohnSand]

How sad.

 

[Hamaki]

When I was young and throughout the decades since I've observed that the kids who seem less likely to end up in the hospital, morgue, jail or with an unwanted/unplanned pregnancy were those who had parents that were there for them - both physically and emotionally. I've had plenty of friends and acquaintances end up in those places and I know what their home life was like. I moved around a lot growing up, more often than not living in bad neighborhoods but this pattern seemed to be pretty consistent whether rich or poor, black or white, etc.

 

[Homercidal]

I spent a couple of hours sitting at the kitchen table with my 15 yo doing her homework with her. Honors Algebra II.

She probably outdid me in high school math in the 7th grade, but she needs some assistance now, so lucky me go to learn how to work with logarithms.

I think we had fun and I think she learned more by teaching me and having me ask questions. Plus, we had a disagreement over the answer on one trick question, and I got it right. I may have been a bit out of line when I yelled out, "Suck it!" But I think we still had fun.

She had a week of catch up to do after being sick with a fever, so it took a long time. Gotta get her smartened up so she can support us in our old age..

 

[Melana]

You all sound concerned, and it's kind of sweet, but you may be thinking about this in the wrong way.

Raise your daughters to be confident, informed, and forthright. Girls are not delicate flowers that need to be protected from boys who would tarnish their souls/ravage their bodies. Don't let your daughters get the idea that they can't take care of themselves. Feeling vulnerable leads to being vulnerable.

Raise your sons to also be confident, informed, and forthright, as well as respectful. Girls like that stuff.

//end feminist rant//

Indeed. OMG if my parents knew half of the stuff that I was up to from ... very early in my teenage years to lets say 25 they would have run away screaming. Now I have a daughter of my own (5) and I keep telling her daddy that he has no idea what he's in for. I'll know and because I am raising her to be a strong, confident, and most of the time kick ass woman she'll be fine. If any of the boys disrespect her they will have to deal with her daddy (6'6" and always grumpy) or her big brother.

 

[Cheesy_Goodness]

I spent a couple of hours sitting at the kitchen table with my 15 yo doing her homework with her. Honors Algebra II.

She probably outdid me in high school math in the 7th grade, but she needs some assistance now, so lucky me go to learn how to work with logarithms.

I think we had fun and I think she learned more by teaching me and having me ask questions. Plus, we had a disagreement over the answer on one trick question, and I got it right. I may have been a bit out of line when I yelled out, "Suck it!" But I think we still had fun.

She had a week of catch up to do after being sick with a fever, so it took a long time. Gotta get her smartened up so she can support us in our old age..

Sounds to me like you're doing parenting right

 

[Homercidal]

Sounds to me like you're doing parenting right

She was starting to get a bit cocky with all of her, "Right Answers" and "Knowledge", so I only thought it fair to enjoy the moment.

 

[Devin]

Indeed. OMG if my parents knew half of the stuff that I was up to from ... very early in my teenage years to lets say 25 they would have run away screaming.

That's sort of a "young" sounding thing to say. I remember my parents always telling me "you forget that I was young once". I never used to think that they were nearly as bold and crazy as I was. Then, the older I got and the more that I learned, I found out just how much of a hellion my father really was. I had nothing on him.

I experience it now with my kids. They do not comprehend that we went through youth once, also. And honestly, you can't expect them to at their age. But eventually, you find out that not only did they go through it and do the crazy things also, but odds are that they do in fact know a lot of the stuff that you are doing.

I remember talking to my dad after I had left the house, and I said something to the effect of what you said in your post. "If you only knew the stuff that I did....". He said "try me". Turns out he pretty much knew everything that I did - at least when I was living at home.

 

[Melana]

That's sort of a "young" sounding thing to say. I remember my parents always telling me "you forget that I was young once". I never used to think that they were nearly as bold and crazy as I was. Then, the older I got and the more that I learned, I found out just how much of a hellion my father really was. I had nothing on him.

I experience it now with my kids. They do not comprehend that we went through youth once, also. And honestly, you can't expect them to at their age. But eventually, you find out that not only did they go through it and do the crazy things also, but odds are that they do in fact know a lot of the stuff that you are doing.

I remember talking to my dad after I had left the house, and I said something to the effect of what you said in your post. "If you only knew the stuff that I did....". He said "try me". Turns out he pretty much knew everything that I did - at least when I was living at home.

Oh, really? I am not young and I do have proof that my parents were in fact naive. *shrugs*

 

[Tin4]

That's sort of a "young" sounding thing to say. I remember my parents always telling me "you forget that I was young once". I never used to think that they were nearly as bold and crazy as I was. Then, the older I got and the more that I learned, I found out just how much of a hellion my father really was. I had nothing on him.

I experience it now with my kids. They do not comprehend that we went through youth once, also. And honestly, you can't expect them to at their age. But eventually, you find out that not only did they go through it and do the crazy things also, but odds are that they do in fact know a lot of the stuff that you are doing.

I remember talking to my dad after I had left the house, and I said something to the effect of what you said in your post. "If you only knew the stuff that I did....". He said "try me". Turns out he pretty much knew everything that I did - at least when I was living at home.

My Dad's stories make me sound lame. He was a cop in 69'. Oh all the stories he tells.

Makes me blush.

 

[Devin]

Oh, really? I am not young and I do have proof that my parents were in fact naive. *shrugs*

I wasn't trying to insult you. I was just making an observation based on what you said. Many kids believe that their parents are completely ignorant and have absolutely no clue what is going on. Perhaps sometimes that is true. In my case, it most definitely wasn't. Like Austin said above, my Dad's stories make mine seem pretty unadventurous.

 

[Melana]

I wasn't trying to insult you. I was just making an observation based on what you said. Many kids believe that their parents are completely ignorant and have absolutely no clue what is going on. Perhaps sometimes that is true. In my case, it most definitely wasn't. Like Austin said above, my Dad's stories make mine seem pretty unadventurous.

Try or not it worked.

My point was... most parents don't want to know what their 'little girls' are up to.

 

[Devin]

My apologies for offending you.

You are correct, I will not want to know what my little girls are up to in some cases. However, if they are getting hurt - I would like to know about it.

 

[GHBWNY]

I'm a father of three daughters, now all grown, married to wonderful husbands, and all hard-working, successful adults. I'm very blessed. I don't take credit for doing everything right, but the one thing my wife and I always strived for was consistency. We agreed upon and set rules and boundaries. If there was a need for amending the rules, we'd discuss it. I became a single parent (widower) when two of my daughters were still teenagers. Thankfully, the stability in the home and confidence in parental authority that had been established remained unshaken by their mother's absence. Not everyone has the advantage of a 2-parent home, which I can only imagine makes parenting that much more of a challenge. Either way, what is important to know is that kids want boundaries. That's right, want. What kid doesn't want to know how far they can safely go doing this or doing that? At the same time, did my kids always like the rules? Of course not. But they knew what they were.

Prior to dating and when they reached the age where they could understand, we sat each of them down and they got the Facts of Life talk. Daughter #1 cried. #2 said, "OK, can I go play now?" #3 just sat there, looked at us and said, "Is that all?" While I suspect they had all had some "hallway tutoring" on the subject long before our talk, we felt it was not only important, but our responsibility, for them to hear it from us.

With the ownership of that understanding tucked away inside, a couple years later they started "liking" a boy enough to want to invite him over to the house (while we were home), or hang around with him along with 3 or 4 other couples of friends that "liked" each other (at ours or someone's else's parents' house). Eventually came the driver's licenses, proms, movies, concerts, etc.. And at that point, all you can do is hope and pray that the groundwork you laid down will mean something.

You want to do everything right in raising your daughter (and/or son) and you try, but you won't do it perfectly. And even when you fail, the times you did the best you could is what they will take with them when they are adults. Besides being loved, of course.

 

[Dixon9717]

I would like to say thanks to my 2 daughters who are veterans, 1
Air force and 1 Navy. Next month my youngest boy will be enlisted in the Marines. That'll make 3 out of 3.

 

[GHBWNY]

I would like to say thanks to my 2 daughters who are veterans, 1
Air force and 1 Navy. Next month my youngest boy will be enlisted in the Marines. That'll make 3 out of 3.

You have to be proud. Congrats and hopefully your son serves safely.

 

[Tin4]

Try or not it worked.

My point was... most parents don't want to know what their 'little girls' are up to.

Mine writes me notes with "I love you" every morning and sets them next to my coffee.

You mean that will change?

 

[Melana]

Mine writes me notes with "I love you" every morning and sets them next to my coffee.

You mean that will change?

It might but it will be back.

 

[Tin4]

I hope so.

I just broke my own heart a little bit there.

 

[Remmy]

Reading this thread scares me to death. I couldn't imagine being a father to a girl, considering what I've done to them. From the time I turned 12-13, the exploring began and didn't stop 'til after I settled down years after college.

Luckily, I have boys and not girls. I, too, like most of the dads here, would worry about the teenage years. I think it's somewhat natural for guys to worry about that time period.

 

[Tin4]

Reading this thread scares me to death. I couldn't imagine being a father to a girl, considering what I've done to them. From the time I turned 12-13, the exploring began and didn't stop 'til after I settled down years after college.

Luckily, I have boys and not girls. I, too, like most of the dads here, would worry about the teenage years. I think it's somewhat natural for guys to worry about that time period.

What we've done to them. You have to have one to make one.

I'm not scared of that. Not at all.

I think my job as a parent is to teach her consequences and let her figure it out.

If she ever needs me she knows where to find me.

Deep in the mountains, hunting mountain lions with my bare hands, sharpening my skills.

 

[MaddBaggins]

Two girls here. My oldest is 22 and married, my baby is 12.

It's mostly fun, sometimes it hurts and it is survivable.