Old Timer Sayings

[Tinhorn]

Good judgement comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgement

 

[grasshopperfirestarter]

I don't know where this comes from:
Yep, that's what it will be, the last of the wild horses

 

[gratus fermentatio]

"He couldn't find his own a$$ in the dark with 3 hands & a flashlight."

 

[Mike M]

Up and down more than a whore's nightie

More mouth than a bucket full of catfish

When the weather is hot and sticky
That's no time for dipping dicky
When the frost is on the pumpkin
That's the time for dicky dunkin

 

[Tomcat0304]

*Insert whatever relevant time*

Alright, I'll see you at 9:00 or 8:59, whichever comes first.

 

[collycreekbrewer]

That boys messed up as a football bat. Or ****ed up as a golf helmet.

 

[glenn514]

Sign over toilet tank in my Dad's basement bathroom:

We aim to please; Won't you aim too, please?

glenn514

 

[AlCophile]

Shut da damn door!! Ya think firewood grows on trees?

 

[BigDaddyBeard]

Even a blind squirrel finds a nut sometimes.

The sun don't shine up the same dogs a$$ everyday.

Life is hard, it's even harder when your stupid.
(Think that is John Wayne)

Good enough for who it's for.
Can't see it from my house. Say these when your helping someone with their house

And my favorite from my Nonno (Italian for grandfather) and mind you he would say this in Italian. "You can't bury your **** in the snow and expect no one to step in it one day."

 

[Subsailor]

Clean enough to be healthy, dirty enough to be happy!

 

[littletommy]

That boys messed up as a football bat. Or ****ed up as a golf helmet.

A guy I work with used the football bat saying a few weeks ago, I had never heard it, and I laughed my ass off the rest of the day!

 

[Tinhorn]

Sign over toilet tank in my Dad's basement bathroom:

We aim to please; Won't you aim too, please?

glenn514

I have seen that with this added

Ladies please remain seated for the entire performance

 

[beaksnbeer]

"No man has ever been stabbed helping do the dishes without being asked to" My uncle's advice on living with women

 

[EHV]

"Rome wasn't built overnight"
"If momma ain't happy ain't nobody happy"
Referring to engineers who developed the equipment he had to fix, (he was a maintenance man) "Yesterday I couldn't spell it, today I are one (engineer)"

Heard this from an old fella working for a Tree trimming crew for our utility. "That guy would sh*t in his own kid's sandbox"

 

[Cheesy_Goodness]

If he said "hello" I wouldn't believe him.

 

[daksin]

My grandad taught me many important things in life, but I'm sure you'll all recognize the following construction:

"[Swear word]ing [people with a particular racial background] drive like the [more swear words]."

 

[yeahfairly]

If..... If Grasshoppers had shotguns, Blackbirds wouldn't Fu..... Mess with them!

 

[gratus fermentatio]

A "Lickin'" As in: "Boy, you keep that up & you'll get a lickin'."
Usually means a rather severe spanking & usually with a belt.

Another version of this is "Lick." Used to be a threat between schoolboys on the playground: "I'll lick you!" Meaning "I'll kick your ass!"

 

[Subsailor]

"Like sh!t through a goose!"

meaning quick

 

[BigDaddyBeard]

Forgot about this one

"If? If my aunt had balls, she'd be my uncle."

 

[Diaperload]

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

She is so old, when she was born the Dead Sea was only sick.

 

[plumber_bob]

"Boy,... you make about as much sense as screen doors on a submarine!"

"The best part of you ran down yer daddy's leg!"

And one I know alot of ya'll will remember: "Some day I'm gonna have to have a long talk with that boy!"

"She's being tanning through a sceen door." Freckled girls

pb

 

[Reggie22]

Like trying to stuff 10 pounds of s$it into a 5 pound bag

 

[Brewmasher]

The local tannery would use urine to tan hide, and would pay a penny or 2 for a bucket. If that was your only source of income, you were "Piss Poor".

Worse than that if you "didn't have a pot to piss in"

If you were drunk and fell down in the street in the old west, you came home "sh!t faced"

Before running water it was customary for the entire family to bathe in 1 tub of water. The order would be the oldest first down to the youngest. By that time the water would be pretty dirty, so you had to be careful "not to throw the baby out with the bathwater".

When the rail road needed to scrap a couple of locomotives, they would stage train wrecks at county fairs and such. They would steam them at top speed towards each other for a spectacular crash. Often the spectators would get injured, or even killed, yet they continued to be a popular attraction. So when something is particularly hard to watch, but you do anyway it's "like a trainwreck and had to watch"

I still don't know how "f#ck you and the horse you rode in on" came about.

 

[Brewenstein]

Forgot about this one

"If? If my aunt had balls, she'd be my uncle."

My mother-in-law always says, "If a bullfrog had wings, it wouldn't bump its ass!"

 

[Hoppity]

When faced with something in need of repair, spit and baling wire were traditional solutions, however that was before duct tape was invented, prompting the axiom:

"If you can't Duck it, F*ck it, it's broke!"

 

[Jwin]

Gotta be smarter than the door to open it.(push/pull)

(You) Ain't holdin' yer mouth right. (For when your doing something incorrectly, I now assume it was also personal as Grandmama slapped Papa for sayin that one a couple times)


I once had a dog that sh*t on the porch all the time. One day I started to go out there after he relieved himself and I'd rub his nose in it and boot him off the porch. Kept it up for a few days until I looked out the window one day and the damned mut sh@t, rubbed his nose in it and jumped off the porch.

 

[Jim204]

Old timer at the firehouse, "son, at my age it's like shooting pool with a rope."

 

[lowtones84]

Not to any of you fine gents here, and I'm sure it's been mentioned before, but "Go pound sand" has become a favorite less vulgar way to tell somebody to f*** off.

 

[jsprinceiii]

swymbo: "You can just scratch your ass and get glad again."

 

[nobadays]

Loose as a limp d!ck in a lard bucket.

Tighter than a bull's a$$ in fly time

Love these colloquialisms!


Don
Primary: nothing
Secondary: nothing
Bottled: Oatmeal Stout, APA and Rye IPA
Kegged: Joe IPA Clone

 

[Hoppity]

"More scarce than hen's teeth."
"When God was giving out brains, you thought he said trains and asked for a nice slow one"
"When God was giving out noses, you thought he said roses and asked for a big red one"
"When God was giving out heads, you thought he said beds and asked for a nice soft one"

 

[vanishingpint]

About someone who was scared ..."He was puckered up so tight you couldn't drive a needle up his ass with a sledgehammer "
Someone short..." He'd have to stand on a box to kick a duck in the ass."

 

[JonM]

Old timer at the firehouse, "son, at my age it's like shooting pool with a rope."

George Burns said something about trying to shove a raw oyster into a coin slot.

 

[Shawn3997]

"Sharp as a sack of wet mice" (from Foghorn Leghorn)
"Lower than a snake's belly in a wagon rut"
"Knee high to a grasshopper"

 

[unionrdr]

Dumber than a box of rocks
Perk as a ruttin' buck
" That boy flaps his strap so much, he's gonna get his tongue sunburned!"
A fart is just a miss-guided burp!
Pound sand
pound pavement
hit the bricks
Shoot the S***
Shoot the breeze
Throw the bull around by the tail
Fair day's work for a fair day's pay
" Well, slap my face & call me pappy~!" -Same as,
" I'll be damned!"
Haven't got a pot to piss in, or a window to throw it out of!
About as useful as a left-handed football bat!
The lights are on, but nobody's home-stupid
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink...but you can sure make him wish he had!
Colder than a well-digger's ass! (done this one, it's true!)
Colder than a polar bear's ass! (ditto)
Slicker than greased cat shiz...

 

[landshark]

"Slower than the second coming of Christ."

 

[zefbrew]

twice as thick as pig **** but only half as useful

 

[Redlantern]

That boy is busier than a three legged cat trying to bury a turd in a marble floor

 

[ChelisHubby]

A friends father would say I need to kick a turd out of him long enough to tie him up, that is when his son messed up.