New Joke thread. Let's keep it reasonable

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There was a man named Tim who was tired of living in the big city. One day, he decided he was going to become more in touch with nature and move out to somewhere he could live out on the open land. He decided he would move to Scotland. So he did. He found a beautiful spot and built himself a house. He lived there for a while, and really liked the change.

However, eventually, he started to get lonely. One day, there was a knock on the door. The man was shocked at first, he hadn't seen or heard from a single soul since he first moved. He rushed to the door, opening it he saw an obviously drunk Scotsman. Tim let the man in and then asked him "what brings you out here?" The man responded "I'm holding a party, and I'm inviting everyone I can find." Tim told the man "well I would be glad to go, I haven't seen a single person since I moved here. I must ask, what is your name?" The Scot's name was David.

Tim then asked him "what will be happening at this party?" David responded enthusiastically "there will be ale, and lots of it!" Tim laughed and said "well of course, we are in Scotland. What else?" David puffed out his chest and said "there's gonna be a fight. A good old fashioned brawl." Tim looked up with a grin "well I do love a good fight. What else will be at this get together?" David then told him "there's going to be sex, lots of it." This got Tim in a wonderful mood, he said he had not seen a woman in ages. David said "There's nae women about, it will only be the two of us."
 
With today's focus on exercising, I've been trying to persuade my husband to join me in a 20-minute evening walk.

One evening after reading an article called "Improve Your Sex Life", I presented my new argument. I told my hubby that, according to what I read, if he just walked 20 minutes a day it would improve his sex life.

Hubby gave me that confused look and asked, "Who do I know that lives 20 minutes away"?
 
KayaBrew said:
what do you get when you cross a penis with a potato? a Dicktater.
Click to expand...

One day Princess Potato and her mother, the queen, were talking. "Mother, I've fallen in love, and we are going to get married!"
"Oh good!" Exclaimed the Queen. "Tell me about him"
"He is tall, handsome, beautiful brown skin, and announces at the sports arena"
"Oh no, dear, you can't marry him. He is just a commentator."
 
A lawyer was driving to work one day when he passed a man eating grass in a small field on the side of the road. Intrigued, he pulled over and approached the fellow.

"Excuse me, sir, but an am very curious to know why you are sitting in a field eating grass."

The man replied, "Well, I am very poor and cannot afford to eat anything but grass."

The lawyer said, "Well, I have a proposition for you. Come with me and you eat all you want."

The man said, "I am married with two children. Can I bring them as well?"

"Sure!", said the lawyer.

Another man sitting nearby piped up, "Pardon me, but I am also too poor to eat anything but grass, may I come along as well?"

"Absolutely!", said the lawyer, "There is plenty for everyone!"

So they all piled into his car and off they went. After short distance, the first man, said, "We are very grateful for your generosity in sharing your food with us!"

To which the lawyer replied, "Oh, I am not sharing my food. My grass is getting very tall, and I would like to save money on lawn care!"
 
A young Italian couple get married and go on a honeymoon. Neither one of them know what to do so they call her mother. Mother says just take your cloths off and see what happens. They do that and still don't know so they call his mother. She tells them now to lay in bed. Still they have no clue so they call his father. He tells the boy to put the longest part of his body in the hairiest part of her body. A few minutes later the boy calls back and says I've got my nose in her arm pit what do I do next
 
An attorney is driving along a country road on his way to an important meeting and he has a blowout. He gets out to change the tire, placing the lug nuts in the up turned hubcap on the roadway next to the car. While getting the spare out of the trunk another car passes, clips the hubcap and sends the lug nuts flying into the tall grass.

Running late already, he groans out loud. A guy who had been standing unnoticed inside a chain link fence says, "you could use one nut off each of your other wheels. Not ideal but it'll do in a pinch."

"Jeez, I'd never thought of that. Thanks!", the attorney replied. While finishing with the job they spoke a bit. The man told him that the fence enclosed an insane asylum, that he was no more insane than the next person but he was fairly wealthy and that his wife had him committed so that she could have unlimited control of his assets.

Wrapping up, the attorney said, "Thanks again, I owe you. I really have to go right now but how about I come back next Tuesday so we can meet and I can help you regain your freedom?" The man agreed.

As the attorney turned and walked toward his car, a brick smacked him in the back of the head. Bleeding and barely conscious he turned to face the man who said, "Just realized Tuesday's no good for me. How bout Wednesday?"
 
Night of Drinking
A man and his pet goat walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking.
They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other.
Finally, the bartender says: "Last call."

So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my goat."
The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the goat falls over dead.
The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave.

The bartender, yells: "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."
To which the man replies: "That's not a lion, that's a goat."
 
Hear about the blonde who considered an abortion? She was afraid it wasn't hers. Had it anyway but when it was born it was made out of wood. Turns out she married a Pole.
 
I wrote this joke two weeks ago, and my Pharmacist friends loved it. If Harry Potter were diagnosed with HPV, what would they call it?
"The Curse of the Deadly Swallows."
 
So, an engineer dies and finds himself in hell. He takes one look around and starts making changes. One day God calls up the devil, just to push his buttons.

God: "So, how are things going down there?"
Devil: "Hey things are great. Got air conditioning. Roads are all improved. Lots of improvements."
God: "How did you do all of that?"
Devil: "A while back an engineer showed up and has been making all kinds of improvements."
God: "An engineer. That must be some kind of mistake. Send him back here, or I'll sue."
Devil: "Where are YOU going to find a lawyer up there?"
 
So the fisherman shows up at the pearly golden gates. Peter says you can't come in here, all fishermen are liars. But you where a fisherman too Peter. Why do you think I have to tend this gate?
 
Two blind pilots enter a plane. They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence.

The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the plane lifts, avoiding the fence at the last second. All the passengers calm down, thinking it was a bad joke.

In the pilot cabin, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says : "You know what? One day they're going to scream too late, and we're all going to die"

[Courtesy of some random FB post]
 
A Roman walks into a bar and holds up two fingers and says "5 beers please".
 
My Dad always told me not to hold in my farts because they travel up you spine in to your brain and that's where sh*tty ideas come from...
 

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