New Joke thread. Let's keep it reasonable
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I have no idea why I laughed at this...
MindenMan
Well-Known Member
This isn't really a joke, but yesterday I was at the local Home Depot and saw a truck with a "Darwin" fish on the back of it. I thought to myself, "I'll bet you five loaves and two fishes you're wrong."
vanishingpint
well- known member
Drunk calls 911 and says I got a problem.911 operator asks what the problem is.He says I got two women fighting over me! Operator says sir that is not a problem . Drunk says hell yes it is .The ugly one is winning. 
mcspanner
Well-Known Member
I've been trying everything to improve the performance of my champion racing snail. Recently someone suggested making him lighter by removing the shell. If anything it's just made him more sluggish.
normonster
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What's the difference between Donald Trump and a bucket of sh!t?
The bucket.
The bucket.
![Craft A Brew - Safale S-04 Dry Yeast - Fermentis - English Ale Dry Yeast - For English and American Ales and Hard Apple Ciders - Ingredients for Home Brewing - Beer Making Supplies - [1 Pack]](https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/41fVGNh6JfL._SL500_.jpg)
Rhumbline
Well-Known Member
A guy decides to have his favorite camel castrated. Goes to Ahab the painless camel castrator.
Ahab takes poker out of the fire, jams it up the camel's @ss, then, when the camel jumps into the air, grabs two large stones and crushes the camel's lads.
"You promised it would be painless!" Screamed the camel owner. "It is, unless you get your fingers pinched between the rocks" responded Ahab.
Ahab takes poker out of the fire, jams it up the camel's @ss, then, when the camel jumps into the air, grabs two large stones and crushes the camel's lads.
"You promised it would be painless!" Screamed the camel owner. "It is, unless you get your fingers pinched between the rocks" responded Ahab.
I dont know why, but these 'Dad-Jokes' popped into my head today and I couldnt help but chuckle. Plus they are clean. They need to be told rather than read though.
What do you call a blind deer?
No-eyed-deer
What do you call a blind deer with no legs?
Still No-eyed-deer
What do you call a one legged woman?
Eileen
What do you call a one legged asian woman?
Irene
What do you call a man with no legs?
Neal.
and last but not least... What is invisible and smells like carrots?
A> Bunny farts.
Thank you, thank you, I am here all night. Don't forget to tip your waiters. Try the Veal.
What do you call a blind deer?
No-eyed-deer
What do you call a blind deer with no legs?
Still No-eyed-deer
What do you call a one legged woman?
Eileen
What do you call a one legged asian woman?
Irene
What do you call a man with no legs?
Neal.
and last but not least... What is invisible and smells like carrots?
A> Bunny farts.
Thank you, thank you, I am here all night. Don't forget to tip your waiters. Try the Veal.
Bill Gates goes to purgatory.
St. Peter says, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".
First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds.
Bill chooses Hell.
About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons.
Bill says to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?"
St. Peter replies, "That was just the screen saver."
St. Peter says, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".
First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds.
Bill chooses Hell.
About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons.
Bill says to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?"
St. Peter replies, "That was just the screen saver."
BrewerBrad82
Well-Known Member
Two flies were arguing on a toilet seat.
One got pissed off.
One got pissed off.
This one is less clean but still PGish.
A philosopher, mathmetition and redneck all meet up at the pearly gates. St Peter tells them that heaven is getting rather full, and that in order to get in they need to ask him a question that he cannot answer.
The Philosopher asks what the meaning of life is, which St Peter answers correctly and he wanders off in purgatory or wherever. The Mathemetition asks what the 4,325th number in the PI sequence is. Without thought St. Peter answers him. Frustrated, he wanders off.
The redneck steps up. St Peter looks at him and waits for him to ask his question. The redneck thinks for a minute and then says "Git me a chair." St. Peter being intrigued, snaps his fingers and an large wooden chair appears in front of the redneck. "Now drill seventy four holes in the seat of the chair." says the redneck. Another finger snap and the chair seat is filled with holes of various sizes.
The redneck then sits down on the chair. Scootches around for a minute, then rips a terribly loud fart. He then gets up and asks "Which hole did I fart through?"
St. Peter looks at the chair thoughtfully for a few minutes, then points toward one of the holes and says "This one."
The redneck, then replies, "Nope, I farted out my butt-hole, now lemme in."
A philosopher, mathmetition and redneck all meet up at the pearly gates. St Peter tells them that heaven is getting rather full, and that in order to get in they need to ask him a question that he cannot answer.
The Philosopher asks what the meaning of life is, which St Peter answers correctly and he wanders off in purgatory or wherever. The Mathemetition asks what the 4,325th number in the PI sequence is. Without thought St. Peter answers him. Frustrated, he wanders off.
The redneck steps up. St Peter looks at him and waits for him to ask his question. The redneck thinks for a minute and then says "Git me a chair." St. Peter being intrigued, snaps his fingers and an large wooden chair appears in front of the redneck. "Now drill seventy four holes in the seat of the chair." says the redneck. Another finger snap and the chair seat is filled with holes of various sizes.
The redneck then sits down on the chair. Scootches around for a minute, then rips a terribly loud fart. He then gets up and asks "Which hole did I fart through?"
St. Peter looks at the chair thoughtfully for a few minutes, then points toward one of the holes and says "This one."
The redneck, then replies, "Nope, I farted out my butt-hole, now lemme in."
normonster
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Rhumbline
Well-Known Member
Ok, the all time best vanity license plate I have ever personally seen.
Here in Florida at a Lowes...
A home made flatbed pickup truck with the license plate...
4RD8S
Just awesome in a redneck kind of way. We got some large Marges out this way.
I wish I'd stuck around to meet the driver.
You might have run into a large Bubba 
Cheers!
Cheers!
slym2none
"Lazy extract brewer."
A magician finally landed a lucrative deal, a 9-month long stint on a cruise ship. Room & board, meals, even drinks all paid for and he came out with a large chunk of change. So, he figures, not bad!
Every night he does his act, and finds he can repeat the same things after a little while, due to turnover. But, every night he can, the captain comes down to see the act, and the captain has a pet parrot that he carries on his shoulder. After a few weeks, the parrot starts to figure out the magician's act, and one night, starts squawking out "It's in his pocket!" or "His assistant is in on it!" or "There's a mirror on his shoe!" But the magician soldiers on, until one night, during the middle of his act, the boat hits an iceburg and sinks.
The magician wakes up, clinging to a piece of driftwood. He looks around, seeing no one else alive, except for the captain's damn parrot, sitting on the other end of the piece of driftwood. For an hour, they both just stare at each other all mad.
Finally, the parrot breaks the silence, and says "RAWK! Okay, I give up - what'd you do with the boat?"
Every night he does his act, and finds he can repeat the same things after a little while, due to turnover. But, every night he can, the captain comes down to see the act, and the captain has a pet parrot that he carries on his shoulder. After a few weeks, the parrot starts to figure out the magician's act, and one night, starts squawking out "It's in his pocket!" or "His assistant is in on it!" or "There's a mirror on his shoe!" But the magician soldiers on, until one night, during the middle of his act, the boat hits an iceburg and sinks.
The magician wakes up, clinging to a piece of driftwood. He looks around, seeing no one else alive, except for the captain's damn parrot, sitting on the other end of the piece of driftwood. For an hour, they both just stare at each other all mad.
Finally, the parrot breaks the silence, and says "RAWK! Okay, I give up - what'd you do with the boat?"
slym2none
"Lazy extract brewer."
slym2none
"Lazy extract brewer."
What do you call a man with no arms & no legs on your porch?
Matt!
The same guy hanging on your wall?
Art!
The same guy at the beach?
Sandy
Same guy at the pool?
Bob!
Same guy at the lake?
Skip!
Same guy in a ditch?
Phil!
Same guy in a pot of hot water?
Stew!
Same guy on a BBQ?
Frank!
Same guy in a grinder?
Chuck!
Same guy in a gigantic cup of coffee?
Joe!
Same guy at a poker table?
Chip!
Same guy sitting on a rocky ledge?
Cliff!
Same guy in a pile of leaves?
Russel!
normonster
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Slym wins
What wears a burka & flies around at night, moaning yu yuhalamak? Caspers mail-order bride...
Black Island Brewer
An Ode to Beer
Not even Google could help me figure out anything funny about this one...
Fedora
Glorified Janitor
What do you call two guys with no arms and no kegs hanging on either side of a window?
Curt n Rod
vanishingpint
well- known member
Fedora
Glorified Janitor
No kegs is just a bitch.
Dammit. You knew what I meant.
arturo7
Well-Known Member
How do you make a cat sound like a dog?
Well, first you dowse it in kerosene, then throw a match on it...
WOOOOOF
Equal time for sub-humans, aka cat lovers:
How do you make a dog sound like a cat?
Well, first you gotta freeze it, then you take it out to your bandsaw...
MMMMYOWWWWWW
Well, first you dowse it in kerosene, then throw a match on it...
WOOOOOF
Equal time for sub-humans, aka cat lovers:
How do you make a dog sound like a cat?
Well, first you gotta freeze it, then you take it out to your bandsaw...
MMMMYOWWWWWW
This is great, cause at first all the dog people are like "YEAH!" Then they are like "WHOA not cool, man!" And the exact reverse for cat people...and the remaining few hate you or love you entirely. Well played
It's turkish for " Boo!"...
BrewerBrad82
Well-Known Member
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.
vanishingpint
well- known member
Hear about the dyslexic who walks into a bra ?
