Jokes Dirty or otherwise

[betarhoalphadelta]

Ahh, blondes...

"Like OMG guys, I've shotgunned like 12 beers already and I'm not even drunk!"

 

[kingboomer]

Know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?


She kept throwing the W's out

 

[unionrdr]

You know,looking back over my life,whoever said blondes have more fun was not referring to guys as well. What a freakin jip...

 

[kingboomer]

An appache brave walked into his chief's tent, brooding and depressed. "What's the matter son?" the chief asks. "Chief, how do you come up with the names of all the people?"
"Well, I decide the names by what I see when the child is born. For instance, if a young brave is born and I see a wolf running, I name him Running Wolf. If a young squaw is born and I see an eagle flying I name the child Flying Eagle. Now tell me Two Dogs F@#*ing, why does this bother you?"

 

[Mongrel]

A guy walks into a whorehouse and drops his pants, proudly sporting a 3" erection. A couple of the whores laugh and ask him who he thinks he's going to please with that thing. Still smiling, he replies, "Me!"

 

[cruizer8]

"I see", said the blind man to the deaf mute as he is pissing into the wind. "It all comes back to me now. "

 

[gratus fermentatio]

Have you heard the story of Sally Brown? No one could knock her on the ground. Over the hill came Piss-Ball Pete, a hundred pounds of swingin' meat.
He knocked ol' Sally in the grass & stuck his pud right in her ass. Now Sally Brown, she cut a fart, and blew his balls a mile apart.
Over the hill goes Piss-Ball Pete, a hundred pounds of shredded wheat.

 

[MindenMan]

Piss-Ball Pete, that takes me back to 8th grade...
"Mommy, am I a vampire?", "Shut up and drink your blood before it clots."
"Mommy, am I a werewolf?", "Shut up and comb your face".

 

[MindenMan]

"Mommy, I'm tired of going around in circles", "Shut up, or I will nail your other foot to the floor", she said.

 

[MindenMan]

Why are the Ducks like a tampon? They're only good for one period, and they don't have second string. BAM!

 

[cpa4ny]

A young lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. Being his usual obnoxious self, he starts complaining to St Peter about why he had to die so young.

St Peter looks through the guy's file and says: "Well, according to your billable hours, you died at a ripe old age of 96".

 

[gratus fermentatio]

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

 

[Homercidal]

Oh great, now I have a ZZ Top song stuck in my head.

 

[kingboomer]

Suzy asks her mom one day "Mommy, can I take a shower with you?" Seeing no reason not to, her mom allows it. They're showering when Suzy notices her mom's pubic patch."What's that mommy?" "That's my wash cloth dear" her mother replies. Suzy thinks nothing more on it until she asks her mother to shower with her about a week later. She looks up and noticed her mother had shaved. "What happened to your wash cloth mommy?" "Oh I lost it I'm afraid..." her mother replies. Suzy thinks no more on it. After the shower suzy goes out to play. A few minutes later she comes busting thru the door and yells "Hey mommy! I found your wash cloth! Mrs. Johnson has it next door, and she's washing Daddy's face with it!!!"

 

[jmendez29]

One night, a man and his wife were in bed having "marital relations". The woman was on top, riding her husband when their six year old son walked in. Understandably, the couple stopped what they were doing, covered up, and yelled at the boy to get out. The boy, now startled by what had just happened, started crying. The wife put on her robe and went to console the boy.

She left the bedroom and started comforting the boy. After he had calmed a bit, he asked her what they were doing. Slightly flabbergasted, she replied, "Well, your father's tummy has been getting bigger lately so mommy is helping daddy by pushing it back down."

Feeling rather proud of herself for coming up with such a good excuse, the boy wiped away the last of his tears and said, "You're wasting your time. When you go to work, the lady across the street comes over and just blows it back up."

 

[Black Island Brewer]

The "born again virgins" decided that although both of them were experienced in the ways of love, that they would refrain from intercourse until they were married. On their wedding night, as they were disrobing, the groom took off his shoes and socks, and revealed a left foot that was deformed, with toes pointing akimbo. "Oh, my love, what happened to your toes?" asked the bride.
"When I was a young boy, I had tolio", he replied.
"Don't you mean 'polio'?" she asked.
"No, tolio. It only affected my toes." he answered.
As he continued to undress, he took off his pants to reveal two deformed knees. "Oh, my love, what happened to your knees?" asked the bride.
"When I was a young boy, I had kneesels", he answered.
"Don't you mean 'measels'?" she asked.
"No, kneesels. It only affected my knees", he answered.
Continuing to undress, he took off his underwear.
The bride exclaimed "Oh, my love, when you were a young boy, did you have smallcox?"

 

[betarhoalphadelta]

LOL... A couple is out for a nice dinner, and both are scared and excited, because that night will be the first night they have sex.

The woman, clearly apprehensive, tells her beau, "Just so you know tonight, I wear false breasts. In reality, I have such tiny breasts. I'm embarrassed, but I wanted you to know before we are in the moment tonight."

The man replies, also apprehensive, "I understand, and I'm glad you told me. In truth, I'm hung like a little baby boy down there, and I was worried about what would happen tonight, but I'm glad to let you know beforehand."

Both clearly relieved, they finish dinner and head home.

As they start to undress, the woman sees her man take his pants off, and faints.

The man revives her, and asks whats wrong. "I thought you said you were hung like a little baby boy!", she screams.
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He says, "Yes, I am. 8 lbs and 23 inches."

 

[hunter_le five]

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard grave. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery when he heard some strange noises coming from the vicinity of the late musician's headstone. Terrified, the drunk ran to fetch the priest.

The priest, while skeptical of the old sot, came to listen, and was alarmed when he too heard faint, unrecognizable music emanating from the grave. Together the drunk and the priest went to fetch the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived with the drunk and the priest in tow, he bent an ear down to the earth and listened intently for several minutes, showing no discernible emotions whatsoever. Finally, he cried "Aha! I recognize that tune! It's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony... but it's playing backwards!"

The drunk and the priest were confused by this revelation, but waited as the magistrate continued to listed with his ear to the ground. Several minutes went by, and the magistrate cried out again, "Aha! I know that one as well! It's Beethoven's Eighth Symphony, but it too is playing backwards. Curious..."

The drunk and the priest, no longer able to contain their fear, made as if to leave, but the magistrate bid them stay to bear witness as he identified each tune in succession. "Beethoven's Seventh Symphony! .... Beethoven's Sixth Symphony... Beethoven's Fifth Symphony... All backwards!" the magistrate exclaimed, marvelling at the unlikely tunes.

"What could it mean?!?!" cried the drunk. "What foul evil is this?!?!" cried the priest.

"Relax," said the magistrate, standing up to face the two frightened men, "I know exactly what's going on here. There is absolutely nothing to fear here; it's just Beethoven decomposing."

 

[gratus fermentatio]

Ole, Lena, and little Ole went to the big City for the first time. They were walking down the street and looking in the windows of the big buildings. Little Ole spotted something that caught his eye and ran into a building. Big Ole and Lena followed him.

There they all stood in front of a shiny metal door that was cut into a wall of black marble. A chubby, elderly, gray haired lady walked up and pushed a button on the wall next to the door. The door opened and she walked into the little room behind the shiny door. The door closed and the numbers above the door counted up and then down again. The shiny doors opened and a beautiful, well built, young lady walked out.

Little Ole said, "What kind of machine is dat, Dad?"

Big Ole replied, "I don't know little Ole, but push dat button and shove your Ma in there."



The Mailman was making a delivery to Ole's house and noticed a Penguin walking around the side yard. After asking Ole where it came from and finding out that it just showed up a couple of days before, he told Ole that Penguins don't normally walk around Minnesota and maybe Ole should take him to the Zoo. Ole agreed with him and said he would do it this afternoon.

The next day while driving by Ole's the Mailman noticed the Penguin was still there. He stopped and said to Ole, " I thought you said you were going to take the Penguin to the Zoo yesterday."

Ole replied, "I did, and we had so much fun that dis afternoon we are going to a Twins game."

 

[TrainSafe]

Q: Why is it unethical for lawyers to have sex with their clients?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.

 

[TrainSafe]

President Obama gets off a helicopter in front of the White House while carrying two piglets. A Marine guard salutes and says, "Nice pigs, sir."
The president replies, "These are not pigs. They're authentic Arkansas razorback hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Clinton and one for Speaker of the House Pelosi."
The marine says, "Excellent trade, sir."

 

[gcdowd]

President Obama gets off a helicopter in front of the White House while carrying two piglets. A Marine guard salutes and says, "Nice pigs, sir."
The president replies, "These are not pigs. They're authentic Arkansas razorback hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Clinton and one for Speaker of the House Pelosi."
The marine says, "Excellent trade, sir."

Ha! Love it

 

[DrunkleJon]

Tried to send this one yesterday and screwed up somehow. Here it is

Penguin is driving through the desert when his car overheats. Luckily a wrecker is driving along the same deserted stretch of road and gives him a tow to the local garage. While the car is being worked on the mechanic points him to the diner next door. Since it is a hot day, the penguin buys a banana split and since he is without fingers to hold the spoon, attacks it face first. Once done, the penguin waddles out to the garage where the mechanic pauses from his work, and says "Looks like you just blew a seal"
Penguin looks at himself and says, "No, that's just ice cream"

 

[ButcherBoy]

Here's an old favorite:
What do UFOs and intelligent women have in common?
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You've heard about them, but never seen one.

 

[chikincoop]

After a long wait, a girl finally gets to meet her boyfriends parents for dinner at their house. 10 minutes into the dinner, she still has some nerves, and lets a small fart escape. A few seconds go by, when her boyfriends dad yells "sparky, go" The girl is relieved that the dog was blamed and continues to eat and exchange small talk. A few minutes later, her stomach acts up again and she lets another rip, this time a bit louder. Again, the dad says "sparky, enough, go". About 30 min go by and she really lets a loud one go. After a few moments of silence, the dad looks over at the dog and says, "dammit sparky, get out of there before she s@*ts on you".

 

[HornetSparky]

Request we use more common household pet names like Rex or Fido. 😉

 

[brewcephus]

What's better than a dozen roses on your piano?

Tulips on your organ

 

[kingboomer]

Little Johnny was visiting his grandparrents one weekend. He and his grandpa are sitting out on the porch watching the sun set when gramps fires up a cigar. "Hey gramps, let me have some of that."
"I don't know Johnny, can you touch your d!ck to your @$$hole?"
"Um, no..."
"Well then, once you're grown up and you can, we'll see."
Johnny seems a bit perturbed at this answer, but lets it go. The next morning Johnny and gramps are out on the lake fishing, when gramps cracks a beer open. "Hey gramps, let me have some of that."
"I don't know Johnny, can you touch your d!ck to your @$$hole?"
"Gramps, you know I can't!"
"Well then, once you can come and see me!"
Johnny's getting mad now, and after they're done fishing he goes into the kitchen to talk to his grandma. A little while later gramps comes in the kitchen and sees Johnny chowing down on a big plate of cookies and milk.
"Hey boy! Give me some of those cookies!"
"I don't know gramps, can you touch your d!ck to your @$$hole?"
"Of course I can, I'm a grown man Johnny, you know that!"
"Good then you can go f#&k yourself! Grandma made these cookies for ME!"

 

[Joos]

A communist, a muslim, and an illegal alien walk into a bar.
The bartender says "hello Mr. president!"


Whats the difference between an american girl, and an Saudi girl?

American girls get stoned BEFORE they commit adultery!

 

[soccerdad]

Penguin is driving through the desert when his car overheats.

LMAO every time the chimps tell that joke ...