Is this wrong? My wife got mad at me..

[mrk305]

Is this wrong? My wife got mad at me because I got mad at my mother in law. After a couple days of fuming about it, she left. She said all I do is brew beer, drink beer and read about making beer on HBT. She grabbed some clothes and and left and went to her mom's and has been there ever since. I figured since I had the house to myself, I would bottle two batches and brew a double batch. Last weekend was my first double header! Is that wrong?

 

[chillHayze]

None of us can judge either you or your wife from a short paragraph. The truth seems to be that women overreact (to just about everything) and men are insensitive (to just about everything). Even with that, we still choose to spend a lifetime together. Wierd.

 

[kebrown]

How did the double batch turn out?

 

[Hopleaf]

Well, it kind of reinforces her argument but I can see myself doing it.

 

[DeathBrewer]

depends why you were mad at your MIL and whether it was unreasonable, i guess. i have yet to meet the chick i can spend a lifetime with

 

[Go Gators]

I wouldn't say wrong, but if you really love her you will need to patch things up at some point. And from my experience this means saying that you were in the wrong... women are crazy. Good luck

 

[Fingers]

Well, she IS getting in the way of brewing... and now that's she's gone.....


Just saying.


But really you kind of should go after her. Don't mention the brew.

 

[Blender]

Well, she IS getting in the way of brewing... and now that's she's gone.....


Just saying.


But really you kind of should go after her. Don't mention the brew.

Cracked me up there Fingers.

Seriously,you might try doing stuff together instead of beer all the time.

 

[Brewing Clamper]

"Comeback baby, I made a special beer just for you!"

Ok, seriously, I hate to be that person to say it but it works for me: Talk! Communicate. SWMBOs fly off the handle every now and then and it's usually not about what they say it is about, it's usually a build up of stuff that went un-addressed. If it's really about the brewing, chances are this isn't the first time it came up and maybe you're just no hearing it... hell I wouldn't want to hear it either... Either way, good luck dude...

 

[MULE]

Hate to say it but it sounds like the two of you need a date night. I don't know your situation, just saying.

You can replace brewing with any other passion/hobbie and the SWMBO's will react the same if that's all you care/talk about. Sounds like she wants to be priority one.... the whole MIL thing is just the straw IMHO.

Not trying to be a d1ck, I am just sayin.

 

[Baldy_Beer_Brewery]

Last weekend was my first double header! Is that wrong?

Yes. You could have gone to a brew pub too.

 

[BigKahuna]

Is this wrong? She said all I do is brew beer, drink beer and read about making beer on HBT.

Your SWMBO...may know my SWMBO.

I feel for ya man.

 

[Laurel]

Try to get her involved? If she doesn't like beer, make wine for her. It's a small price to pay to spend time with the one you love, cooked meals and regular...uh..conversations.

 

[RICLARK]

Try to get her involved? If she doesn't like beer, make wine for her. It's a small price to pay to spend time with the one you love, cooked meals and regular...uh..conversations.

+1 on getting her involved. Have you offered to include her? my Swmbo doesn't like beer but she likes to hang out and help.

 

[BrewBob]

None of us can judge either you or your wife from a short paragraph. The truth seems to be that women overreact (to just about everything) and men are insensitive (to just about everything). Even with that, we still choose to spend a lifetime together. Wierd.

Methinks it's the sex. clouds the mind

 

[Danek]

Can't you tell her to RDWHAHB?

 

[Melana]

Try to get her involved? If she doesn't like beer, make wine for her. It's a small price to pay to spend time with the one you love, cooked meals and regular...uh..conversations.

+1

If she's telling you that you are spending more time with the beer than with her maybe spend some time with her? Bring her something that she likes (just because) and show her some love.

 

[SixFoFalcon]

Keep brewing non-stop 'til she comes back. Then you'll have a nice big stock-pile of beer going when she gets back, and you'll be able to lay low and get some sex for a few weeks 'til you start brewing again.

Now it would be AWESOME if she happened to be on the rag right now, too. You could make it a permanent arrangement. She goes to her mother whenever she's riding the tide, you get to brew all you want and not hear her bitching about either her hormonal issues or your "vile habit", and when she gets back you have both taken care of those things that tend to drive you apart at times.

BTW, I'm just kidding (sort of.)

 

[Yooper]

women are crazy. Good luck

Oh, really? Hmmmmm.

I'm so glad that we don't have in-laws. Well, my dad is still alive but 800 miles away. I think a mother in law would be a real pain to have to deal with!

Brewing is my obsession, but so is fishing. We don't brew together, but we do fish together. I personally LIKE having my own stuff to do alone.

I guess I'm not helping. I'll shut up now.

 

[DeathBrewer]

lol, yooper. i needz to find a girl like you.

 

[brauhaus]

well, i don't know the situation and i don't know you, but i'd try to involve her in your brewing, or just limit it to weekends or something, give her some time to herself to do what she wants...

i think she should be supportive if you have a passion for something...

anyway, you guys should have a night out to yourselves, no brew, no internet, a night where you guys sit and talk about something other than beer... take her out, go to the movies or cook her a nice meal...

get some flowers, call her, tell her your sorry and make sure to pay a little extra attention to her.

 

[mrk305]

I had told my wife that we could paint the kitchen in a couple weeks when I had the weekend off. I came home from work Saturday around 5 o'clock and saw my MIL's van in the driveway. wtf? Surprise!

They had completely emptied the pantry and all the kitchen cabinets and were finishing the process of removing all 34 cabinet doors and drawers. The house was a complete clusterf*ck! There was stuff everywhere to the point that you couldn't even get out of the kitchen to get to the rest of the house without going outside and coming back in the front door. My dumb*ss FIL was on a ladder using the wrong size screwdriver and a hammer to finish stripping out all the hinge hardware. They had eaten lunch, and the dirty dishes were all over the kitchen counter and the stove and two of my tool boxes were in the kitchen sink! They had not put down any drop cloths either.

I lost my temper. Very rare. I had to leave for a few minutes to calm down. I went to the store and bought stuff to grill hamburgers for every body. They ate and then they left. It took several days to finish and repack everything. My wife went to my MIL's one night after work and she talked her into leaving me because I am an A*hole.

She just now called me while I was typing this. Her cousin got shot. Real sad to hear that, but at least she called me. I think she is calming down.

 

[Yooper]

Her cousin got shot? OMG- is he/she going to be alright?

Of course she called you- she loves you and you are her support. She'll get over this- really. In-laws DO cause some problems because they love her, and their loyalty is to her. And you got mad at them- so she got mad at you.

Tell her you're sorry for losing your temper, and that you'll try to be more understanding of her parents. After all, they were trying to "help" you both. I promise that will go a long way to fixing things. You actually have to say something like that, though, to make it work. something like, "I shouldn't have been so quick to lose my temper and it was so NICE they were willing to help!". You have to try it with a straight face, though, or it won't work.

 

[Nurmey]

Let me see if I get this. Her dad comes over to help you and your wife fix up your home. You feel inconvenienced, get mad, yell and storm out. Her folks think that maybe she shouldn't be with you. Is that what you're saying happened?

 

[mrk305]

Thats the short version. I got mad because of the way they were doing it and with no warning or planning.

 

[mrk305]

Not that it matters, but stepdad. I have helped them move before. They work like idiots. Stack up bunches of heavy boxes in front of a door and then you can't open the door. Put all the dresser drawers where the dresser is going to go, and I am carrying the dresser in. Got the big UHaul truck stuck in the same mud hole twice trying to park close to the door. Two wrecker bills.

I didn't yell and storm out. I said some mean stuff though. Then I went to the store to get stuff to grill out. We all had dinner together and then the inlaws left.

 

[Nurmey]

Just trying to give you a little of her perspective. She probably thought that she was doing something nice for you by getting help so your reaction may have hurt her a lot.

 

[Baldy_Beer_Brewery]

I can see getting upset in that situation. I've been in that situation. Help is great if it is help, but if it makes it worse...

The thing with my mother-in-law is she used to live 1500 miles away. When she and her husband would come to visit, I thought about murder daily. Now she lives here in the same town and I swear I see less of her now than I did then.

 

[brauhaus]

hey man, we all go through crap like this, i'd be in the same boat b/c I'm very particular about planning and how my things are kept.... i always make a plan and when people jump into **** without thinking it through it really drives me mad.

i don't think you did anything wrong, but i'm sure your in-laws are going to paint you like a mad man and try to get your wife against you. Just keep the communication going and see if you all can work it out...


best of luck man.

 

[html034]

Is this wrong? My wife got mad at me because I got mad at my mother in law. After a couple days of fuming about it, she left. She said all I do is brew beer, drink beer and read about making beer on HBT. She grabbed some clothes and and left and went to her mom's and has been there ever since. I figured since I had the house to myself, I would bottle two batches and brew a double batch. Last weekend was my first double header! Is that wrong?

your avatar seems quite apt for this thread

 

[mrfocus]

I know if they put my toolboxes in the sink (and dirty dishes all over) I would have been not too happy. And I completely understand the "don't touch my cabinet doors, fools!" feeling that probably went through you, but as others have said, try and make your wife understand that it wasn't the fact that they were helping you, just that they weren't being careful (hammer and screwdriver to take down a cabinet door?) and it wasn't planned (as I understand those to be the problem major problem).

 

[mrk305]

I changed my avatar back to the original to reflect a happier time. Taken at the end of the best day of the best cruise vacation ever. I call it, beer guy in the sunset.

Yeah. Her cousin was shot last night and is dying. He was a good looking kid in his young twenties. I didn't know him very well, as he didn't attend many family functions, but I knew his mom. Apparently he went to wake up his roommate, and he shot him in the neck with the bullet going into his head.

Things are going to get back to normal I feel in a matter of time. We have talked a few times. I just need to get her away from her butt-in-ski mom!

Back to beer! The double header last weekend was my Honey Razberry Porter in my recipe drop down and a Rye Pale Ale. I liked Terrapins version of that so I added a bit of rye to my regular IPA. Two row with a half pound of crystal and rye, with chinook and cascade hops. They have been in the primary for 8 days now. I will rack the porter to a secondary soon to free up a bucket for my next batch and I will probably not secondary the rye pale.

I am definately going to step up the brewing a notch as long as I have the house to myself.

 

[Schlenkerla]

I think you have to appologize to patch things up with the wife.

I side with you about being pissed about how they went about doing the kitchen. Your wife should know you well enough that you are methodical planner and that this would irritate you. I am the same way and this would piss me off.

The place is yours & your wife's its overstepping even though they good attentions at heart. I think decorating is somewhat personal. People have different tastes. Sounds like they might have been coaxed by a bitching daughter that didn't want to wait until you had time.

I also know about tools. Any man that has a mechanical bone in their body knows that using other guys tools w/o asking is like borrowing your tooth brush to scrub toilets. You don't do it.

You need to try to explain this when it all settles down. You have to be cool about it when you do and not insult her parents in the process.

I'd appologize ASAP. I can't offer advice on the too much brewing I hear that complaint regulary. The wife watches too much crap TV and I can't bear to be in the same room when its on the tube.

Good Luck!!

 

[PeteOz77]

I can't offer advice on the too much brewing I hear that complaint regulary. The wife watches too much crap TV and I can't bear to be in the same room when its on the tube.

I believe that putting up with the bullshirt is half the battle and half the fun of being married or in a relationship with someone. She doesn't have to like everything you do, and you don't have to like everything she does.

That's sort of where love comes in and takes over and you say "I love this person even though they piss me off sometimes. I am willing to put up with the **** because the rest of it is worth it!"

Personally, I wouldn't like it if SWMBO shared all the same likes and dislikes that I have. Knowing that SWMBO hates my RC racing, but still allows me to do it without nagging me, makes me appreciate doing the things she DOES like a LOT more.. And she feels the same way. She knows that I will do something with her that I don't thoroughly enjoy, because I know SHE enjoys it.

SWMBO HATES pork. She can't even stand to smell it cooking.. but she still buys me pork chops when we BBQ, because she knows I love them.

 

[cd2448]

I had a similar problem with SWMBO and golf. Now, she was all for me getting out and getting some nice healthy exercise. But when she finds out it will have me out of the house for 5 hours on a weekend - not so keen. So I don't golf much these days. Beer, now that's creative (!) so it's ok.

I am definately going to step up the brewing a notch as long as I have the house to myself.

This made me smile. I'm sure it wouldn't go down well if she heard you say it, but it's just practical, isn't it?

 

[Schlenkerla]

Good Points PeteOz77

I always ask my wife if she want to do something to let me know. I will drop being online to do something worth while with her if she asks politely. I flat-out refuse to sit and watch the reality-BS on tv.

I generally try to warn her about planned brew times so she doesn't have different expectations of my time. Its when I forget and she want to go do something that she gets ticked.

I will say if I don't pull my weight like neglecting chores its guaranteed to be thrown in my face. I would have the same to say to her if responsibilities are neglected.

We will be adopting within a year or so. I don't know how that will play out, I enjoy this hobby a lot, I'll have less time for it, but I won't be forced to quit it either.

 

[EdWort]

My wife has her horses, I have my brewing. We both enjoy the beer.

 

[Fingers]

Ripping the house apart while you are not there is no different that you throwing a raging party in the house while she isn't there and expecting her to clean up the mess. Now that they've started, you have no choice but to finish and that takes your free will and participation in the decision making process out of the equation.

Don't back down. She's forcing you do what she wants on her schedule. If you apologize and accept responsibility you give her a new strategy to manipulate you. Stay the course.

 

[CatchinZs]

It's kinda funny but my wife and I went through this years back when we lived together but weren't married yet.

I used to have a particular way I liked to do things and my wife was never quite on the same page.
My wife used to start projects and I had to finish them.

An example of this is our stairs to our second floor. The previous owner had carpeted the oak stair (crazy, I know!) . I hated it and mentioned it to my wife.
We talked it over and I explained to her how carpet was attached and how much work it was going to be.
She convinced me that we could do it and get it done as a "team."
She helped me remove the carpet from the steps to expose the tack strips....maybe 30 mins of work.
She then decided that the strips would be to hard to remove so she left that up to me....hours later I had them removed but the amount of blood that those little bastards can draw is nothing short of amazing.
Now fast forward to me belt sanding the stairs and putting 3 coats of poly on them. Mind you we have two large dogs that don't give a damn about the finish of my stairs so I had to do three alternating steps a night so that they would be dry by the time we went to bed so there were no permanent paw prints in the finish.
I replaced every spindel which required the removal of the end caps for the stair treads...not a fun job when the original installer used some kind of 3 inch log trim nail.
I painted every riser just because if I did all that work I may has well spend and hour and take care of the detail work.

So I spent untold hours working to make the stairs as perfect as possible and she helped for 30 mins.

Now to the important part of the story...I have learned to accept that this is the way she works and she and I understand that I now have the project management responsibility for our projects. We still butt heads but that is to be expected. We just try to be good listeners....that's the hard part when you both have an idea that you want but they just don't match up.

If you said hurtful things to her and her family you should apologize, not because your giving in, but because you know what you said was hurtful and unnecessary.

I personally have always struggled with not taking the cheap shot when it is opened up to me. I'm much better than I used to be but we can always improve our communication.

Sorry for the book...I hope it helped is some way.

 

[stever]

mrk305, I have learned the hard way that there is no quicker way to drive a wedge between you and your wife than to bad mouth or hate the MIL. If you make your wife choose between you and her mother you will end up divorced. I have always had mucho problems with my MIL and she did some stuff I really didn't like so I thought I would start getting more vocal and tell my wife that the MIL can kiss my a$$ and I don't want her coming around any more. Well lets just say sometimes it better to pick your battles and the one with the MIL is not one you want to pick.

I also can relate to you blowing your top when you came home to a clusterf*ck, I would have done the same many years ago but now I just roll with it. It makes life much easier.

good luck.